Suikoden II
Part 1
"Attack of the Puppy Killer."
Meet the hero and his “best friend” as they, before the opening credits even begin, become fugitives from their homeland. The “best friend” doesn’t mind the fugitive part, though–he saw a movie once where criminals were handcuffed together. Also, witness Hitler’s second coming.
Part 2
"Come back here! We’re not done killing you!"
Barry and Jowy managed to escape the clutches of the evil mercenaries and their stupid chores. But they’re not out of the woods yet–they still have to contend with sentai squirrels, annoying beggars, and their own raging hormones. Oh yeah, and those guys who want them dead. Can’t forget them.
Part 3
"Die pig!!!!"
Prince Adolf’s homicidal pyromania continues unabated as Barry, Jowy, Nanami, and the Randomly Recruited Crusaders struggle to do anything but watch in terror or run away. We can only assume that Jowy uses this time of confusion to get some quality time with his man. And there are probably many fanfictions to prove me correct. Oh yeah, and there are new Runes of Terrible Power. That’s important, right?
Part 4
"Ten million yaoi fangirls can’t be wrong!"
So Barry and Jowy have escaped execution, witnessed horrible destruction at the hands of Prince Adolf, received True Runes, and even managed to be forever rid of Pohl. Does this mean that they can finally get together? The answer is …probably not. But we do get a “romantic” scene, and Jowy gets molested by a little girl. That’s almost the same thing!
Part 5
"……………………….."
Barry, Jowy, and Nanami explore the biggest city in Jowston, meet random people, do random things, and kill random monsters. It’s a recap full of fashion disasters, effeminate men (what else is new?), and the most heinous abuse of punctuation to date. My inner grammar Nazi is screaming.
Part 6
"I also hate Chinchirorin."
Barry, Jowy, and Nanami see for themselves the corrupt, petty politics of the City-State, and find that they don’t care very much. Oh, wait, that’s me. Things don’t get any better when Jowy decides he’s a bad guy and murders Anabelle. Barry is forced to flee again, and this time without his man-toy. Weak! But the worst news of all is the return of The Game That Shall Not Be Named. I’ll be in the corner, crying.
Part 7
"Tonight I’m going to suck! …Your blood!"
For this hour we’re taking a little break from The Cold Truth of War™ and going on a sidequest to kill a vampire. But he’s immune to wooden stakes, crosses, holy water, garlic, and sunlight. In fact, he only has two weaknesses: a mystical, long-lost phallic object (which talks), and…teenage girls. Well, someone’s confused.
Part 8
"What a difference a gay makes!"
Barry meets Shu, it’s love at first sight, and because of Barry’s cute ass our hero’s obvious hero potential, Shu agrees to fight with the good guys. And again, not due at all to their raging lust for one another, more to do with some True Rune and Barry’s (grand)father, Shu suggests that Barry become the leader of the forces against Highland. Barry, of course, flatly refuses. I kid.
Part 9
"Join the Yaoi Army! We have T-shirts!"
It’s finally happened: Barry and I spend an entire fucking recap recruiting people for Barry’s glorified gay pride march. There are hints of ongoing story, but mostly it’s just a lot of Pokéball action. Also: I win at The Game That Shall Not Be Named. Without losing any of my hair.
Part 10
"Headin’ for a heart head buttache"
In the sequel’s version of “Why Can’t All the Races Get Along?!” Barry encounters tension among the three racial groups of Two River City. I know that sounds like it might be kind of interesting, but I’ll tell you right now that it’s not. Unless you think playing go-between for the enemy girls on the playground is a good time. On the plus side, Barry meets a couple more hotties. Score!
Part 11
"Excruciatingly Slow Times at New Leaf Academy"
Barry and a picked-out-of-a-hat select group of school-aged kids and animals set off for Greenhill City, on an undercover mission to rescue the city’s exiled mayor. What do they learn while infiltrating this college town? Barry learns that his ex-boyfriend has found new and creative ways to rip out and stomp on his heart. Nanami learns that she loves cafeteria food, because she’s lived on stale bread and porridge her whole life. And Flik learns what Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction would have looked like as a teenager.
Part 12
"High time for a sausage party."
Barry travels to the Matilda Knightdom to see if the Yaoi Army can finally live up to its name. Along the way, because he is a fickle creature, he travels up a mountain with two name-drops from Suikoden to look for a dragon. It’s a tale of mystery, adventure, magic, and heroism, but mostly of Barry being horny and having a short attention span. It’s also a tale of punctuation. A cautionary tale.
Part 13
"Something old, something new, something borrowed from Lepant, and someone blue balled."
Barry finds out that Jowy is getting married, to a lady, and to spite his ex, he takes a gay cruise to the Toran Republic, fabled land of hot, available dudes. Once there, a bad man denies him access to these beefcakes of legend and instead offers him one of two clingy girls for his army. Oh, and the war against Highland reaches a boiling point. Whooooo caaaaares.
Part 14
"Death of the Puppy Killer."
It is finally time for Barry to face his nemesis, the murdering, village-burning, man-stealing violation of Godwin’s Law lovingly known as Adolf Hitler. Barry puts his men through their paces and works them out hard. And once he’s too tired to continue, he prepares them for fighting the boss.
Part 15
"Zoinks! It’s our friends, the famous PUGGY!!! and Gremio!"
The war is finally over! OR IS IT? No, of course it isn’t, don’t be dumb. Barry and Teresa travel to Muse for peace negotiations that are predictably non-peaceful. And since the war’s back on, Barry makes sure to keep up his recruitment efforts, including making a very special new friend in pointy-toed shoes.
Part 16
"Barry gets shafted."
It’s time for the final showdown with the Count, and what better location for a spooky battle with a vampire than a desert mining town in broad daylight? And not only does Barry have to deal with the enormous hassle of saving two redheaded ladies from this weird straight vampire, but he winds up in an uncomfortable reunion with Jess, Acting Butthole of Muse. And Jess also has red hair! Red hair is trouble, people. Don’t let all those cute Weasleys fool you.
Part 17
"Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last! Not you guys, though."
The Yaoi Army has finally acquired enough strength to go on the offensive, and does so with two attempted city liberations. The brainwashed, Teresa-loving masses of Greenhill are freed from the yoke of Highland oppression without a hitch; the city of Muse, eh, not so much. Barry also finally recruits all 107 sorry assholes who will have him, but gets no closer to recruiting JOWY’S HEART.
Part 18
"Ting! Ting! Ting! Thunk."
The Yaoi Army enacts a daring plan to take back Rockaxe Castle and Muse City, and turn the tide of the war. But somehow, Shu the brilliant strategist doesn’t think to factor in the seemingly boundless capacity of some men to be unfathomably selfish dickheads. Barry may yet win this war, but he…he loses some battles. And Jowy is still fucking married, which is not helping matters.
Part 19
"The real Moon Bird Recipe is the friends we made along the way."
It is almost time for the final showdown against the Highland Army, and as is my, I mean Barry’s, usual MO, that means it’s time to cross everything else off the to-do list, so he doesn’t die with unfinished business. As Barry helps High Yo and Clive get their, uh, happy-ish endings, he realizes the true value of friendship: moving heaven and earth to help your friends and having them do absolutely nothing for you in return. Listen, he’s understandably sour on the whole concept.
Part 20
"The Warm, Wet Truth of War™"
With nothing left in front of him but Jowy and the wreckage of their relationship, Barry infiltrates the Highland capital, L’Renouille, to end the war the only way all the men around him seem to think is possible: by eradicating the entire kingdom from existence and salting the earth beneath it. This means, of course, a lot more murder, of both Jowy’s remaining generals and the embodiment of the True Genocide Rune. But there is one thing Barry cannot kill, and that’s the flame of true love in his impassioned, horny heart.