In the ongoing saga of Barry versus his jerky, heart-stomping ex-boyfriend (and the world), Barry just returned from a recruitment trip to the Knightdom of Matilda, where he did not exactly forge a lasting diplomatic relationship with their leader, Wart, but did manage the next best thing: poaching all of Wart’s sexiest knights for the Yaoi Army. Upon their return to HoYay Castle, Shu warned Barry that battle was at their doorstep again, and that’s where we catch up with Barry, as usual: waiting at the save point outside the war room, dreading Shu’s bad news.
Instead of lollygagging like last time, Barry decides to rip the bandaid off, and immediately enters the war room. Inside, he finds Shu, Teresa, Apple, Bear, Flik, and Big Gay Fitcher waiting for him. As soon as Shu starts talking, the Theme of Burnt or Soon-to-Be-Burnt Villages keys up, which is not good. “Lord Barry,” Shu says, “We’ve got a report that the Highland Army seems to have appeared in Radat Town.” Radat! But that’s where Barry and Shu had their awkward first date and watched Apple crawl around on her knees in a drainage ditch! The Cold Truth of War™, indeed. Bear asks what “seems” means, and if Radat is occupied or not. Fitcher answers, “I know not, but if they can occupy it before we receive our next report, they are a formidable enemy indeed.” Like we don’t already know how formidable Prince Adolf Hitler’s Bishounen Squad is. Sure enough, Shu confirms, they are likely facing both Highland’s most intimidating company and the only one Barry has had much success against: Kiba and Klaus’s Third Company.
Bear says out of his ass, “You can’t open a lock unless you know the combination. Hey Barry, Shall we go check things out?” Shu, normally so composed, practically leaps into Bear’s grill and shouts, “What are you saying, [Bear]! You can’t have Lord Barry do such a dangerous thing…..” I don’t see how this is any less dangerous than the Greenhill reconnaissance mission, but Bear insists that they’ll be fine anyway. Barry, for his part, just wants to go catch a glimpse of Klaus again, and Shu’s not going to get in the way of that. But he’ll visit Shu’s office later tonight and show him how much he appreciates that display of protectiveness.
Before leaving for Radat, Barry first suffers through talking with Apple long enough to rearrange his military units, since there are a couple army battles coming up and, now that he has the Matilda Knights and Hump at his disposal, he finally has better options for deployment than librarians and fishermen in bathrobes. Then, with Bear and Nanami in tow, he heads downstairs to ask Viki for a teleport to Radat.
What would I do without you, Teresa?
Viki places them at the northern road into town, where plenty of Highland soldiers are hanging out. Bear quickly observes, “They sure took over quick. There was almost no rioting.” I guess Bear is an expert at figuring out signs of rioting, all of a sudden. He asks Barry if they’ve seen enough or if they should keep looking around. Barry, of course, wants to delve deeper into Klaus town. Bear tells him, “Okay, that’s the spirit. If it gets dangerous, leave it to me.” Please. By now, Barry’s noodly arms are cords of tonfa-slinging steel and he would waste Bear in five seconds, tops. But he knows it makes Bear feel good about himself to be his muscle, so he doesn’t say anything. The three of them walk south.
Down the street a bit, Bear stops and asks, “Huh? What the hell is that?” The camera pans down to reveal Kiba and Klaus addressing what looks to be, well, an unruly, rioting mob. That’s the last time I praise Bear for his observational skills. “Listen,” Klaus tells the crowd. “From today on, this town is under Highland rule. Anyone who steps out of line will be punished by Highland law.” Now, the mob actually seems more terrified than angry, and no wonder, because they heard, “The people of Muse were all devoured by a monster…….” Well, when you put it it that way, living under Highland rule does not sound that awesome. Kiba assures the crowd, “Nothing but silly rumors! I, Kiba, promise in the name of King Agares that no such thing has happened.” Now, it seems we are supposed to believe that Kiba, the honorable veteran, believes this himself, and indeed, that’s how I’ve always interpreted this. But now that I have the benefit of a written record of playing this game, I recall that Kiba and Klaus were there when the Muse refugees were corraled for this exact purpose. Did we see them literally standing there approvingly while the Wolfhead Phantasm ate the people of Muse? No, but I find it hard to believe that they immediately left after helping round up said prisoners, and were so far away by that point that they didn’t see it happen. Prince Adolf put on a murderous laser light show and everything!
Of course, the people of Radat don’t know this, and therefore are grateful to Kiba for his assurances, and one person mutters, “If the war would only end, neither the State Army nor the Highland Army would make a difference.” Well, if awkwardly, put. I mean, Prince Adolf is horrible, and I’m totally cheerleading for the Yaoi Army (though Barry is not interested in seeing me in the uniform), but we know how shitty the City-State government was before the war. Most of these people probably couldn’t give less of a fuck who they’re serfs under. Bear scoffs from his privileged high horse at all this, says they got the information they came for, and the three of them turn to go. But before Barry can take one step out of town, Klaus shouts at his back, “Lord Barry.” Bear worries that they’ve been spotted, like no kidding, dude, but rather than running away, Barry chooses to shout back, “What?” Bear now looks like he’s going to shit his pants, and is not looking forward to whatever punishment Shu will hand him for this. Is he going to have to dress as Flik for a week and get chased around by Nina?
Klaus approaches Barry, alone. “So we meet again, Lord Barry,” he greets him with a purr in my imagination. But if Barry thought Klaus just came over to flirt, he’s in for a disappointment, because Klaus instead drops a bombshell. “It’s too bad, but Lord Jowy isn’t here,” he says nonchalantly. “He’s at our capital, L’Renouille. The wedding between him and Jillia Blight should be taking place right about now…….” WHAT WHAT WHAT?
Of course, we already knew about Jowy’s baffling plan to marry into the Blight family, even if the why of it is not yet apparent. But even after what he went through in Greenhill, that’s an especially cruel twist of the knife. “Lord Barry,” Klaus says. “You defeated me at Two River, but next time I’ll be ready.” I have to say, I underestimated Klaus. With one statement, he ensured that the leader of the enemy army would be busy mentally checking “No” on the RSVP so hard it pushes through the card stock, and not remotely concentrating on the battle at hand. Klaus adds, like they just had a pleasant chat, “Well, excuse me for now. We’re also busy preparing for a battle you know.” Just…man, Klaus, that was ice fucking cold.
Bear knows that Barry must be close to snapping, but tries to keep him focused on defeating Kiba and Klaus. “Those guys mean business,” he tells poor, silent Barry. “We’ve got to be ready for them.” Well, Barry knows one thing: he’s probably not going to be fantasizing much about Klaus anymore. He won’t be able to look at his face without picturing Jowy slow dancing with some broad to their song. But he does have to walk all the way back to HoYay Castle from Radat, so by the time they return, he’s taken his rage out on enough Dark Bunnies and members of Muku Ranger Red’s family that he’s managed to internalize his suffering.
Back at the castle, Eilie and Lassie are waiting for Barry in the main hall. Just what Barry needs right now: girls. Eilie tells him the principals are gathered in the war room to hear his report, so he stomps upstairs to tell Shu what they found. I thought the intel of note was that Radat was, in fact, occupied, rather than burnt to the ground, or empty because its citizens were killed by Highland’s wolf-shaped Ark of the Covenant. But Bear tells Shu that they “learned” they are facing Kiba and Klaus, which Shu more or less knew anyway. Sigh. “It’s the 3rd Company of the Highland Army,” Apple adds. “But from their numbers, it looks like part of the 4th Company is with them too.” It seems like the people who didn’t go to Radat know more than the people who did.
But what about from behind?
Shu, despite hearing this news, seems to have a chip on his shoulder and insists they’ll crush them in battle. “We’ll show them that the number of generals as well as the quality of the soldiers has changed from before,” he announces, getting Barry all amped up to get out there and impress Shu with the quality of his penis leadership. Shu adds that he doesn’t have a strategy, because they’re going to go out there and smack Kiba’s forces with their dicks. “Troops! Deploy!” Barry shouts in response to this. Klaus can just run back to L’Renouille and show Jowy and his fucking bride the imprint of Barry’s wiener on his cheek.
The bolstered Yaoi Army rushes east to the fields outside Radat, where Kiba’s forces are waiting for them. “Hmm,” Kiba says. “I thought you’d be hiding in your castle, but you were brave to show your face. Good man!” Damn right he’s a good man! Too good for certain other men who shall remain nameless! Klaus warns, “Father, don’t underestimate him. He came out because he too has confidence in his strength.” Hee. Came out. Barry did that a long time ago, Klaus. Kiba tells his son he “wouldn’t have it any other way.” Any second someone in the Yaoi Army is going to point out how Kiba could be their friend if he weren’t their enemy. Speaking of enemies, the Prick arrives, leading the creepy, unattractive remnants of the Fourth Company that weren’t invited to Jowy’s wedding. The Prick is clearly unhappy about being among them, and yells at his men, “Listen. Just cause I’m a substitute, don’t think you can mess around. Understand?”
NICE.
Bear and Flik banter meaninglessly a little, and then the battle begins. The Yaoi Army has eight units at its disposal, which includes two generic kobold units. On the second turn, Ridley, who is oddly the leader of one of the human units, asks, “Lord Shu, I have a question regarding our troop deployment. May I speak freely?” Shu’s all, “Oh, indeed.” So Ridley asks, pointedly, why the kobolds are on the front lines, serving as furry, dimwitted meat shields for all the real people. Shu, who just said Ridley could ask all the questions he likes, replies, “Decisions about troop deployment are mine to make and I expect you to follow them, General.” Ridley just growls at him, which is what I’ve decided ellipses are for kobolds.
Two turns later, one of the units Shu put up front in Operation Get Behind the Kobolds takes damage from a Highland cavalry unit, and suddenly for Ridley, this is too much racist indignity to bear. Too loudly, he declares, “I knew we shouldn’t have joined forces with the humans. We don’t need to waste our precious few lives in this meaningless war. Order all forces to retreat!” And just like that, the kobolds cut bait, one of them obeying with a perplexed “Arf.”
Miklotov reacts with a typical-for-him “What’s this!!!” He says that when he sees the sun every morning. Meanwhile, the Prick giggles with delight about this “rift among friends” and orders his troops to advance. He is largely unsuccessful, mostly because he goes after Barry’s unit and Barry’s unit is appropriately fucking boss. After a couple of Ridley-less turns, the battle is still going almost entirely in the Yaoi Army’s favor. But the moral of this battle, put in Bear’s mouth, is “It’s no good!!! Without Ridley’s help, we don’t have a chance!!!” Shu flew too close to the sun! It’s all over without the fucking kobolds! U-N-I-T-Y! In the face of this supposedly insurmountable problem, Shu therefore asks Barry to order a full withdrawal. Barry sighs and pulls out, as requested. Flik, though, is a little more vocal about his frustration, shouting, “What happened!!!! Damn it!!!! We could have won this battle!!!!” Calm down, Flik. You’d think he’d lost his bandanna or something.