It’s been a while since we checked in on Barry the Gay and Nanami the Genki, so feel free to refresh yourselves on the events that brought them across the lake to Kuskus Town, including how Barry was betrayed by his ponytailed life partner, and how I was forced to gamble with (and lose a lot to, obviously) that shitfaced hobo Tai Ho. Not only that, but now poor Barry is stuck with a clingy, whimpering toddler, a clingy, mouthy girl who keeps hitting on him, a slutty gypsy, and this game’s answer to Baby Huey. When your hyperactive sister is the least annoying person accompanying you, you know you’re in a bad situation. And worst of all, no HAWT HAWT boy-on-boy action in sight.

It’s the tiara.

With this highly outstanding and not crappy at all battle party, Barry makes the trek south to, uh, South Window. On the way, half the group gets knocked unconscious by the South Windowite cousins of Muku Ranger Red. Yes, at this point they are that bad. Lucky for me, it’s not a long walk, and soon enough the party enters the city gates and runs into a welcome face. Well, in the sense that it’s not a Highlander, Pohl back from the dead, or Tai Ho. It’s Bear, who’s just delighted to see Barry in one homosexual piece. Eilie asks Barry, “Who’s that speaking in such a loud voice over there? Is that a friend of yours Barry?” She’s clearly jealous already, and for once she has correctly identified someone who has a better chance of screwing Barry than her. Barry replies, “That’s Bear,” which Bear overhears, making him all mock pissy. Hee. Okay, I admit it. I named him Bear just for the cheap amusement that line provided. Sue me.

The first thing Bear notices is that Barry’s accompanied by a couple of svelte gypsy women, and he’s all, “You dog, you!” Barry quickly tries to explain that Bear is welcome to pry Eilie out of his spandex, and that he’s only even giving her the time of day because he’s extremely lonely and emotionally adrift at the moment, but he doesn’t get much farther than “……”

…It’s the tiara.

Meanwhile, Nanami wonders if Bear’s exclamation of “OMG TEH SEXAY CHIXXX!!!111” is meant to include her. There’s an awkward pause in which Bear stares at her, as if to say, “Helloooooo, it says right here in the script that no one is allowed to find you attractive, unless they’re gay and don’t know any better, like Camus.” Nanami gets the point. Now that we’re all clear on Nanami being, like, way uglier than Eilie and Rina, we can get down to more important matters. Such as, “Where’s Jowy?” Bear gets the full story–Anabelle’s death, Jowy’s stabby episode–via a handy Black Screen of Exposition. Bear, in his own manner, is shaken by the news. But he predictably recovers five seconds later, which is good–I don’t need him being a mopey bitch over his girlfriend’s death this whole game. There are other people to fill that particular role.

Speaking of that, I wonder where Flik is. Bear informs the group that he and Flik only just arrived, and that so far no one else has shown up. Which means I can’t change party members. Dammit, Leona, move your harlot ass! But the Hairy Man and the Man in Blue have settled into a nice South Window honeymoon suite, which is the party’s next destination.

Barry, of course, chooses to wander around town a bit first, in order to scope out all the sexy beefcakes potential army recruits. None of the Portrait People hanging about will join the mercs just yet, but the outing isn’t completely fruitless. Inside the pot of a bonsai plant Barry discovers a Friendship Rune, which he can forge to his weapon. Obviously, “Friendship” here is a euphemism for something else, just like Barry and Jowy were “friends.” And hey, he’s attaching it to his pointy little wooden planks. Do the math.

This game is doing my job for me.

At the trading post, Barry stares with longing at the naked Peeing Boy statue for sale, but as he doesn’t have the 30,000 potch for it, he reluctantly leaves and heads to the inn. Flik is indeed there. “You did a good job surviving, Barry,” he says. “Nanami and [Lassie] too.” Thank goodness these two have finally dropped the “We were SO worried” act. Though now they should be worried, as dire circumstances indeed led to Barry traveling with all these women. We’re treated to a second Black Screen of Exposition as Bear relates the tale of how he and Flik made it to South Window. All we get of it is that Bear “wanted to take a lot of side trips.” God only knows what that means. Let’s keep it that way. At any rate, now that the gang’s mostly here, Bear wants to go have a chat with the leader of the city, Lord Granmeyer. You’ll remember that he was one of the non-dumbasses at the Jowston Hill snipe-fest.

Rina asks Bear if he’s going to make Granmeyer his “client.” Oh, sweet Jesus, I do not want to know. Bear, to my absolute horror, affirms this, but then elaborates: “I’m going around trying to collect friends that have scattered all over the place. After I’ve collected them, we’ll need a place to keep them. We’ll also need money to feed ’em all.” Save the feeding bit, one would think Bear was referring to his Beanie Baby collection, not to a mercenary army. And besides that, I’m not quite following what Granmeyer would do to help Bear’s predicament. Military barracks? Piles of money and/or food? Haven’t seen any of that around town. So now we’re left with the other explanation of “client.” Kill me.

You’ve captured FLIK! Would you like to give FLIK a nickname?

Bear wants Barry to accompany him to meet Granmeyer. Nanami and Flik tag along too, and it’s at this point that Bear and Flik officially join the group, with the “Pokéball GO!” sound effect and everything. Nevermind that they’ve been more or less around since the beginning of the game–listen to the sound effect!

City Hall. The foursome is led into the main chamber, where Lord Granmeyer is waiting with his assistant. He graciously welcomes Bear, relieved that his favorite mercenary lived up to his inflated reputation and survived the Muse coup. Bear is also happy that his elderly sugar daddy didn’t die either, since, hey, that would tip the City-State political balance in favor of those evil right-wingers. Or something. Right now, the Doomed Character Mallet is hovering ominously above my head. Rather unnerving.

Meanwhile, Bear is repeating his feed-and-house-my-colleagues spiel to Granmeyer. The mayor kind of smiles and nods through this, before quickly changing the subject: “By the way, you were born in North Window, weren’t you?” Bear is still worried about finding and gathering all of his Pokémon, so this sidestepping on Granmeyer’s part throws him off. Bear reluctantly admits that he is a North Window man, which is all Granmeyer needed to hear. “Freed,” he says, beckoning his assistant forward.

 Loading ...

Freed, who goes by Freed Y (because “Y” not, get it, get it–oh, you people are no fun), launches straight into the Mission!Exposition. “Recently there have been several incidents involving young girls disappearing near North Window. Troops we’ve sent to investigate report that some type of monster is living in North Window.” Well, gee, if it isn’t puppy-killing princes wanting to cleanse the world of filth, it’s monsters abducting young girls. Never a moment’s peace for defenders of Truth, Justice, and the Jowstonian Gay. Granmeyer, of course, wants Bear to check out his hometown, even though “it will be hard for [him].” Yeah, sometimes I hate going home, too. Too many asshats from high school. From the subtly trepid tone of Bear’s “…………………….” I’m guessing he doesn’t really want to comply. But in the end he agrees, presumably in exchange for some geriatric lovin’.

The bad news–other than having to go kill a monster and Bear tappin’ Granmeyer’s ass–is that Freed is coming along for the trip. Suffice it to say he’s not all that great, battle-wise. “I’m Freed,” he says, like we hadn’t noticed the name “Freed Y” at the top of the speech box for the last three minutes. “[Bear], thank you for agreeing to help the city of South Window.” Well, that’s nice, but he has to go and add, “Let’s fight together. I’m at your service.” Just…no. Freed joins the group, sound effect and all. But hey, won’t he be shortly returning to the service of Lord Gran–oh. It’s funny how you can forget about a mallet near your cranium until it actually whacks you.

Once the meeting is over, Barry returns to the hallway, where Nanami sees fit to pry into Bear’s past. “Hey hey hey,” she begins, because she’s spunky and immature, GET IT YET?! “I don’t get it. [Heh.] If you’re from North Window, why is it going to be ‘hard for you’?” Hehe. Nanami said “hard.” Bear basically tells her she’ll see when they get there. So I’m guessing it’s not because he was run out of town for being a Wham! fan.

As for the question burning in our minds as to what’s creeping around North Window, we get a short CG cutscene. There’s needlessly dramatic organ music swelling up in the background as we pan down on a large stained glass window in an otherwise dark chamber with a vaulted ceiling. Underneath the window there’s someone playing the…sousaphone. Just kidding, it’s an organ. The music reaches its crescendo, and we see the outline of a darkened face. Its eyes glow red as he bares his pointy fangs. Hey, I wonder if this fanged fellow can tell us what the monster is! We did get a video of him, so he could be an important character in the know.