Bear wants to know what any of this has to do with him, giving Khan another opportunity to talk the party’s ears off. The reason he’s here is to have a few words with that oh-so-popular Star Dragon Sword, which is, as we know, the Bane of the Count’s Existence. “[The Count],” Khan blathers, “is using his ‘Doppleganger [sic] Secret’ to make a double of himself. The [Count] that you defeated wasn’t the true [Count].”
…WHAT?
No, seriously, that’s the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard. Is that really the best they can do? For Pete’s sake, they could have told me he had a Clefairy Doll on his person that took the hit for him, and that would make more sense.
Stupid writers.
ANYway, it gets even more stupid from here. Khan blahs, “But if we use the Night Rune [read: the Sword] to cast his spirit out and then seal it, I think we’ll be able to capture his spirit.” God. At this point, I hope the Count kicks all their asses, just to prove that this plan is completely asinine. Bear and Khan bicker back and forth regarding the merits and faults of the Sword, and Bear finally thinks to ask why he’s necessary to this plan, if Khan only needs the Sword. It comes out (heh) that Khan is just a little repulsed by the demeanor and appearance of the Sword. Denial, kids: not just a river in Egypt. Oh, and he says the Sword is destined to be in Bear’s hands. I can’t add to the humor of that particular statement, so let’s move on, shall we?
A few screens later, we see an exit to the cave, in front of which is a hunk of rock with the Star Dragon Sword stuck in it. Bear struts over to it and says hi, eliciting a snippy response from the Phallic One. Eilie is all, “Like ohmigod it’s talking!” I know she’s been in earshot for the five million hints to this very fact, so I guess there’s no denying it anymore: Eilie’s just a fucking idiot. Oh, and her gaydar sucks. The Sword, after taking time to give me a shout-out by calling Eilie stupid, gets right to yelling at Bear for abandoning him in the Cave of the Wind. In the process, we find out that yes, the Sword is indeed the incarnation of the Night Rune, which is good because we hadn’t already heard about it or anything. The two fight like lovers, until the Sword goes into PMS!Mode. Bear backpedals like crazy, but it’s too late for apologies, and I get a boss battle.
Barry thinks this is the best dungeon EVER!
The Star Dragon Sword, for all its phallic power, isn’t that tough an opponent. Barry and Nanami’s unite attack and a few low-level spells take it down quickly enough. More importantly, I get to play around with Khan’s rune in this battle. It’s the highly useful Resurrection Rune, and especially useful a little later, as–guess what?–the Count and his minions don’t care too much for holy magic. After the battle, the Star Dragon Sword calms down enough for Khan and Bear to explain yet again about the Count not being exterminated and stuff. Bear kisses the Sword’s figurative ass and convinces him to help out. I can handle that. Big, bad-ass phallic swords are always good, and this one has a snarky ‘tude! It’s win-win!
With the deus ex machina firmly in hand, it’s time to return to North Window. Waylon says some crap about it being time to “do [his] job,” like he’s going to do anything other than lose hit points and waggle his ass in the front row. FYI, Khan is directly behind him in the battle formation, so feel free to interpret that however you like. Conveniently, the cave opening behind the Sword’s resting place goes back out to the entrance. I have no idea how that works, but I won’t complain because I was tired of fighting those monsters, even if Barry enjoyed the hell out of it. After a quick stop in Kuskus to rejuvenate the party, the group returns to the haunted castle.
Hee. It’s funny ’cause Bear’s stupid.
Compared to the bizarre gay fantasy that was the Cave of the Wind, North Window Castle isn’t much of a dungeon. There are a few puzzles to solve involving moving statues and lighting torches, and the occasional assault by zombies and sheet-wearing ghosts (no, really), and plenty of decent dungeon swag. I’m grateful for that, because my cheap ass didn’t buy anything decent for those hangers-on Waylon and Eilie. Then again, I was kind of hoping the Count would kill them off, so maybe I’ll give their stuff to Nanami and make his job easier.
Eventually, Barry runs his little spandexed teenage ass to the drama queeny room from the CG scene, and sure enough the Count is there, jammin’ on the pipe organ while he waits for his enemies. Abruptly, he stops playing and turns to greet the gang. He recognizes Khan as “the Marley boy,” and clearly that name commands respect from the Count, since they’ve been so successful at kicking his ass. Not. Blah-dee-blah, prepare to die, bloodsucker. The Count implores them to be patient, as he’s got a little surprise for Bear. The surprise turns out to be a brunette girl in a blue dress named Daisy, who the Count summons from the floor. Daisy, for the love of God. How puketastic. There’s this “tense” moment in which Bear hesitates and almost gives the Star Dragon Sword over to The Count, but amazingly his two brain cells rub together at the last moment and remind him that his little girlfriend ain’t coming back from the dead. For some reason, he decides to communicate this by cutting off Not-Daisy’s head. Jeez, a simple “no” would have sufficed.
The Count quickly realizes that Bear’s not going to be fooled for once, but he’s read the script and knows he’s not destined to die here. He vanishes in a flash of light. “#%&#!!!!!” Bear exclaims, and I just fucking GIVE UP on this translation. This game makes me never want to use punctuation again.
Bear will have to save his censored temper tantrum for a later time, though, because the Count has left our heroes a little friend to play with in his stead. It’s called the Abomination, and basically it looks like Gollum mated with Shelob and their baby ended up with four extra heads. Not a terribly friendly-looking creature, but fortunately it’s very weak to Khan’s Resurrection spells. Even better, it mostly concentrates on attacking lamewad Waylon with its claws, leaving Barry and Nanami free to kick its ass rather than wasting time healing. Thanks to these factors, it’s shortly dead. It’s too bad–I didn’t like its Terrorize the Living policy, but I loved its Kill Waylon policy. After the battle, Bear indeed continues his tantrum: “Crap! He got away!!! Crap! Crap! Crap!” Well, it is an improvement on “#%&#!!!!!” I guess. The party returns to the castle’s entrance.
It’s here that Khan says his goodbyes–he’s off to trail the Count, but says he’ll send word to Bear if he finds anything. Since we all know he isn’t going to kill a vampire on his own. Because he sucks. The party of five is about to leave North Window, but they’re greeted at the gate by familiar faces. It’s Flik, with all of my erstwhile Stars of Destiny behind him. Waylon doesn’t understand what’s going on, so Flik spells it out real slow-like: “……….South Window has fallen to Highland…….” Waylon’s mind immediately jumps to his sexy old man, and Flik continues: “Killed…by [Salon] Jhee…….” Wow, that’s really sad. If Granmeyer’s dead, it means I’m stuck with Waylon for the rest of the game. Which I knew already, but still. That hurts. Sniffle-sigh.
The gang relocates to a large meeting room inside the castle, where Waylon pumps Flik for information. And let me say I am so ashamed of those of you who took that last sentence the wrong way. Flik explains that Granmeyer, big pacifist wiener that he was, surrendered unconditionally to Highland “without a blow being struck.” Heh. Salon, ever the diplomat, cut off his head and hung it up on the gate. Ah, so one riddle has been answered. Pity. I still wish it could have been Apple. Flik adds that he got away, being in the company of weak, defenseless women and children. Rina’s all, “Hey baby, you owe me sex now” and Flik’s like, “Yuck! Bear, saaaaave me!”
So now the gang is smaller than ever and stuck in this abandoned castle, South Window is enemy territory, soldiers from South Window are being forced to fight for Highland (according to Apple), and Barry still can’t get any. The situation is truly dire. Everyone considers running away, but in their moment of doubt they all look to Barry for guidance. Hey, he is the smartest guy in the room. Barry says, “There must be a way,” but morale in the room is down, and no one’s really buying it. But leave it to Eilie to jump on the Barry Bandwagon and yell at everyone for being so defeatist. This prompts a skeptical remark from Tsai of the Suddenly Inadequate Spear: “But to fight a war we have no chance of winning is stupid…..” Apple counters: “We do have a chance!!!”
As the Let’s Go Team! music drums up, all eyes are on Apple, who admits that she herself doesn’t have the strategic know-how to help them defeat Highland. Finally, someone comes out and says it. Well, I’ve been saying it all along, but the sprites can’t hear me, obviously. However, Apple says, “In Radat Town there is a man named Shu. He and I were both students under Master Mathiu. Mathiu expelled him, but he’s brilliant…a first class strategist.” This Shu person, even though he was deemed an unworthy strategist by Apple’s dead hero and object of obsession, definitely can help them win. Well, shit, it’s not like the alternative of sitting around and waiting to die is that much better. Bear and Flik decide to send Barry to find Shu. Nanami and–despite my screaming “NOOO!!!!” at the screen–Apple are accompanying him. Nanami randomly asks Apple if this Shu is a handsome fella. Apple insists she wouldn’t know, because those humongous glasses obviously blind her, rather than help her see. Stupid Apple.
And we’ll end this recap here, before I drop dead of Apple!Wank. In part 8 Barry and gang will travel to Radat and meet Shu. Purely by coincidence, I assure you, I will be turning into a warm blob of fangirl jello. And also by coincidence, I will be telling Apple to shut up roughly every 3.2 seconds. See you next time!