A whole hell of a lot happened in the last recap–the newly christened Yaoi Army got a sexy new strategist, a new castle, and a new leader…our very own Barry! I don’t know about you guys, but I am still reeling from the shock of that particular plot twist. Anyway, now that Salon Jhee has been defeated and Barry’s the leader, he can just sit around his new digs at HoYay Castle and wait for the naked men to roll in, right?
Not really. Barry’s just getting around to scoping the joint when he sees a slightly unwelcome figure at the castle entrance. Why, it’s Big Gay Fitcher, and he’s looking for the hot studmuffin who’s in charge here. “You see, I heard a rumor that a great hero here defeated the Highland Army,” he gushes creepily. “So I decided to come here and see for myself. Have you ever seen this hero? What’s he like?” Barry, feeling himself swell with pride, possibly in that way, answers, “He is so unbelievably cool.” Big Gay Fitcher would undoubtedly agree with this, since he and Barry do share the same eye for fabulous fashions. Big Gay Fitcher is ever so excited to fellate meet this hero, and runs off, thanking Barry for his help. Barry snickers behind his hand and then trails behind him back to the conference room.
‘And a tiger in the sack, I hear.’
When Barry walks in, Big Gay Fitcher is talking with Shu, Apple, Bear, and Flik. Shu introduces our hero to The Gay One. Big Gay Fitcher realizes his major faux pas in treating Barry like a little boy–because no one else has done that in this game–and immediately falls all over himself apologizing. “I used to work for Lady Anabelle,” he unnecessarily explains, “but that terrible accident happened while I was away.” Yeah, accident my ass. I didn’t think anyone actually thought it was an accident, not even tard monkey Jess. Anyway. The point is, Big Gay Fitcher is now lending his big gay services to Two River City. And that’s why he’s here. He tells Shu, “I heard that you were assembling an army to fight against Highland, so I came to check it out. I was quite surprised to hear that you defeated the force led by General [Salon] Jhee.” Bear modestly says that was just lucky, but gets pissed off when Big Gay Fitcher immediately agrees that it was. Well, I suppose I wouldn’t want a guy like Big Gay Fitcher telling me that I wasn’t good enough to defeat Pointy Head with pure skill and power. His idea of an important victory is probably tousling his hair just right every morning.
So now that Big Gay Fitcher has met our fearless leader, he wants Barry to take a trip to Two River and help the people there fight off Highland. “Is that a formal request from Two River City?” Shu asks. Well, it turns out that it isn’t. Big Gay Fitcher admits that he wasn’t ordered, per se, to come here on behalf of his superiors. Bear and Flik immediately jump the guy’s shit about his lack of authority to do such a thing. Okay, these are the same two guys that were pissed off beyond belief at the bureaucracy in Muse and the inanity of formalities and politics in the City-State in general, right? I’m not crazy, am I?
At any rate, the decision is left up to Barry, and Barry says he’ll go to Two River, if for no other reason than to piss off Bear and Flik, the hypocritical bitches. But Big Gay Fitcher throws another wrench into things: he crossed a bridge to get here from Two River, but Highland has destroyed that bridge, making the city accessible only by boat. “We have a boat,” Shu says, “but we’ll need a talented captain to make it all the way to Two River City.” Barry, naturally, is volunteered by everyone else to find someone who is up to the staggeringly difficult task of steering a boat less than halfway across a lake. For crying out loud, I could do that.
Barry chats up everyone in the room for some expositional nudges in the right direction. Apple suggests going to talk to Nearly Naked Amada, since he fought with a big oar and therefore must be able to navigate a boat. Well, considering that Flik’s suggestion is to find Tai Motherfucking Cheating Dicklick Ho, Apple’s idea sounds positively inspired. To Radat!
A minute later, Barry has hauled ass all the way across the map to visit Nearly Naked Amada. He’s right where the party last left him, standing in front of the sluice gate controls in eastern Radat. When Barry explains the whole sitch to him, Nearly Naked Amada and his ass chin are overcome with emotion. “Eh? You’re fighting against the Highland Army?” he asks. “Great!! I am impressed!!! You’re gonna make me cry.” Barry is not keen to have this baboon blubbering all over him, since he’s had it with weepy guys who don’t put out, Jowy, but fortunately Amada is just being facetious. Actually, what he’d rather do is fight Barry again to vent his surplus of emotion, and to see if Barry has what it takes to earn the use of his paddle in battle. To make a tiny understatement, I think Nearly Naked Amada is aggrandizing the scope of his future role in the Yaoi Army. Because basically, he gets to sit on the boat and tan while everyone else goes and fights the bad guys. Of course, Barry bests him easily–Amada chooses “Wild Attack” every time, and merely by defending Barry smacks him down in three rounds. I guess it’s a good thing I’m never going to put him in my party, since he can’t even win against a skinny teenager in a tiara and biking shorts.
“Okay, that’s more like it,” Nearly Naked Amada says after Barry makes him his ass-chinned bitch. “A leader must be decisive. Okay, let’s go!!!!” Um…yeah. I guess it makes sense, if by “decisive” he means that Barry decisively pounded his ass into the dirt. Not like that.
With his new nearly naked navigator in tow, Barry returns to HoYay Castle and introduces Amada to the HoYay Gang. Shu asks him to please take care of Barry, and to keep his grabby hands off Shu’s teenage Koolaid, thankyouverymuch. “Sir Amada,” Big Gay Fitcher exposits, “first head west on the lake, and you’ll see Lakewest after a short while.” Wait. If we go west on the lake, we’ll get to Lakewest? This is a little much for me to take in. But our hero does manage to mentally plow through these boggling instructions by the time he, Big Gay Fitcher, and Nearly-Naked Amada make it to the basement and the castle’s docks.
Nearly Naked Amada just about jizzes in happiness at the sight of his new long wooden vessel. Though he does refer to it as “she,” which is just flat-out confusing. He promises Barry that they can now go anywhere on the lake that he feels like going. Which is, like, three places outside this castle. Don’t overextend yourself there, Amada.
‘Are you coming on to me?’
Out on the world map, the boat pulls out of HoYay Castle and makes its ever-so-confusing trip west on the lake to Lakewest. Once there, Big Gay Fitcher struggles with directions again: “Lessee, Two River City is just West of here… No, wait, I think it’s South… No, wait, it IS West. Yeah, I’m sure it’s west.” I think there’s a joke buried in here somewhere about women not having a sense of direction and men not asking for directions, but I’ll let you guys work that one out. Anyway, Big Gay Fitcher is going to go on ahead of Barry, but gives him a letter of introduction so the officials in Two River will believe this prepubescent gay kid with a small penis is actually the leader of the Yaoi Army. With that, Big Gay Fitcher bails, flouncing offscreen to get a manicure and a facial.
NO!!!
Nearly Naked Amada, for his part, is just gonna hang out on the ship and check out all the hot specimens of manbeef on the beach. But no sooner does he get out his suntan lotion and his leopard-print thong than Barry jumps right back on the boat and orders him out on the water. Jeez, what a jerk!
But Barry is a man on a mission, and the name of that mission is “Recruit as many random assholes as humanly possible for his shitty army.” First stop on the list is South Window, where a familiar person is brooding near the city gates. It’s Clive! Apparently Elza has given him the slip by running off to Lakewest, but instead of trying to improve his situation, he’s hanging around in land-locked South Window and stroking his Rifle of Angst while waiting for some wonderful human being to show up with a free boat ride. Is it any wonder at all that he hasn’t caught this broad yet? Seriously. Barry casually mentions to Clive that he’s got a boat that can get him to Lakewest, and that he and his long, hard rifle are welcome on the S.S. Manhandler anytime. Clive’s demeanor completely changes, and he practically throws himself into Barry’s lap, ready to ride the HoYay Army’s vessel for as long as it takes. Yeehaw.