Barry, Apple, Nanami, and those other unimportant people I brought along exit the bar and their feet magically lead them to the south end of town, where the solution to their problem is waiting. That solution is a dumpy man with a bad haircut, wearing a dark gray duster. He knows Barry before our hero even introduces himself. No, not in that way. He spouts off, “You’re Barry, that’s your adopted sister Nanami, and that’s Apple, student of Mathiu. Am I right?” Barry tells him he’s dead wrong, because I control him and I find it funny, but this guy isn’t buying it. He introduces himself as Richmond, ace private detective or some shit. Given his occupation, and given that “Richmond” is close enough to “Richard” for my tastes, he is obviously going to be known as Dick from here on out. Dick knows all about their quest for Shu’s services, and for 1500 Potch, he’ll help out. Barry thinks of that fashionable clothing all over his bedroom floor and hands over the dough. Dick sets up our heroes with a room at the local inn, which, thanks to the wonders of Suikoden save-loading, is named after the castle in the first game. Which means Barry and gang would be staying at the Penis Inn, if I were using Jeanne’s save. We’ll just pretend that I am, okay?

Fast forward to late night at the Penis Inn. Out of nowhere, Dick lights a match in the room and says, “It was a success!” He could be talking about his quest to procure a carton of cigarettes, for all we know. Light fills the room, and we see Barry sitting at the table, wide awake. Nanami jumps out of one of the beds, all up in Dick’s grill for busting into ladies’ quarters at this hour. Apple is still snoring away in the other bed. So poor Barry didn’t even get to sleep because of these two bed hogs? Or he was sitting up and jackin’ it to thoughts of Shu. Jowy? Jowy who?

In addition: ‘Really?‘

Dick has been busy since we saw him last, and has discovered some helpful information. At this point Apple drags herself out of bed and mumbles incoherently at everyone. Everyone wisely ignores her and listens to Dick. “It looks like this Shu person is avoiding you,” he Einsteins. “But there’s an important trade tomorrow night. Shu has to attend.” Dick tells them to wait in ambush for Shu at the port east of town, and then leaves them to their beauty sleep.

He and his buddies are trading Kadabras. Whoops, right wrong game.

The next morning, Barry and Nanami are discussing Dick’s information. Rather, Nanami is talking about it and Barry is standing there mutely. Apple stares at them blankly, because she was groggy at the time and therefore doesn’t remember this happening. Or she’s just an idiot. That works, too. The group sets out for the port, all of five seconds away, and gets ready to wait the entire day. Unless they all slept in until three or something. We get a bit of a time lapse as the gang waits, with Nanami’s sprite occasionally shivering, so we get that it’s cold. Just when they’re sure Shu isn’t going to show, he does. And he’s none to happy to see them. “…..There’s nothing left to talk about,” he says as way of greeting. Apple insists that she won’t give up on recruiting him. I suppose that’s a good thing, because if she gave up, the only way to recruit Shu would be for Barry to desperately confess his feelings, and he’s shy.

Shu decides to level with Apple. “Apple….listen carefully.” No comment. “It’s a war you’re trying to get me involved with. How to kill, that’s what you and I studied. In the last battle, [Bear’s] fort was burned to the ground because your strategy failed. How many people died? Do you even know?” Apple admits for the umpteenth time that she sucks, but adds, “That’s exactly why we need your help.” But Shu isn’t finished. (Can you tell that I love recapping Shu’s lines? In terms of dialogue, he’s like the anti-Nanami.) “And if your strategy had been successful, it would have also meant the loss of life. Can you really bear that burden?” Apple has no idea what “successful strategy” means, as she’s never had one, so she has no answer to this. I get the feeling that this is basically the same speech Mathiu gave in the first game, but Shu himself doesn’t actually give a shit about killing “in front of a children.”

At this point, Shu pulls a shiny gold coin out of his pocket and holds it in his outstretched palm for everyone to see. “I’ve got a cold coin here,” he says, rendering my description of the scene useless. “It’s the kind I use when I’m trading with the island countries south of the Toran Republic.” Now that we’re all versed on the origin of this piece of currency, Shu chucks it into the river. “If you can find that coin, I’ll join your side,” he says. Nanami, for reasons we don’t know yet, is very much against this idea. “What! But it’s freezing out here!” Barry adds, because he doesn’t like the idea of wading around waist-high in freezing water with Shu around. That’s not the way to impress the man of his dreams. But Apple, assured that Shu is a man of his word, agrees to look for it. Shu and his cronies exit stage left. Nanami spastically runs over to Apple and Barry, then to the bridge railing, where she looks down into the water. “Hey, it’s impossible. We’ll never find that little coin. Let’s go home,” she whines, adding, “Maybe [Bear] and the others will have come up with a good plan. Okay? Okay?” Ha. Gasp. WHEEZE. Silly, naïve Nanami.

Of course, no one’s going anywhere, because we all know giving up hope in an RPG is akin to killing babies. Apple, crazed beyond all rational thought at this point (even more so than usual), figures that the only way they’ll be able to find the coin is if they can lower the level of the water. And since they happen to be standing on a sluice gate, they can do just that. Hey, what’s that over at the dock? Why, it’s the H.M.S Convenience!

Oh boy, I can? Hooray!

Apple leads the way over to the guy controlling the sluice. Barry, Nanami, Apple, and the sluice guy argue back and forth for a while, before a nearly naked guy comes over to see what the commotion is. He’s sporting a tiny, tiny woman’s robe, cloth around his package, and a tanned bare chest. And a big paddle. No, really. He also carries on the fine Suikoden tradition of people with gigantic ass-chins. Sluice Guy, who actually has a name (Gin), addresses Nearly Naked Guy as Amada, who quickly gets the gist of the argument. “The sluice gate, you mean that thing over there?” Nearly Naked Amada is the boss around here, but he doesn’t know what the gate is? I’m confused. At any rate, he initially refuses. Apple really helps their case, except not, by blurting out, “Many people’s lives depend on it. We must stop the Highland Army.” I realize that fully explaining their reasons for needing the gate closed would take time they don’t have, but coming off as a raving nutcase isn’t exactly speeding up the process. Nearly Naked Amada balks at her, until Barry steps forward and asks pretty please with sex sugar on top.

Nearly Naked Amada strokes his ample ass-chin as he appraises our hero. “Wow. You’re really serious,” he decides out of nowhere. “I’ve got a weak spot in my heart for hard working kids like you.” Seriously, where is he getting this? Is he high? He must be on some kind of drug, because he decides the best way to settle this is a battle. “If you win, that means you’re for real and I’ll close the gate,” he says. So they could be totally lying, but if Barry defeats him, he’ll grant their request anyway? The Radat Sluice Gate Commission really needs to hire a new shift supervisor.

If by ‘tough’ you mean ‘poncy.’

Barry agrees to this insane idea, and Nearly Naked Amada says the two of them will “fight like men,” making me wonder if he’s really a woman. He’s in good company if that’s the case. Time for the first duel battle we’ve had in quite some time. Nearly Naked Amada’s shouts in battle are a dead giveaway to his actions, and are also a dead giveaway that he likes Barry in that way. Following his first attack, he yells, “If ya liked that, I’ll give ya some more.” The twelve-year-old perv in me–you know, the part of me who writes all these recaps–can’t help giggling at this. After three or four turns, since Barry’s awesome and all, Nearly Naked Amada goes down, clutching the long pole of his paddle. Heh. Barry stands triumphant and flips his tonfa in a showy little gesture. There’s a “ting!” sound effect and everything. My memory is bad, so enlighten me: have we seen any straight guys in this game? Any at all?

Yes, he’s talking about his ‘paddle.’

Nearly Naked Amada, true to his nearly naked word, agrees to close the sluice gate just for the night. As it closes, Apple wonders if Barry’s okay. You’d think she would be more concerned with the guy who lost, but I guess Barry’s spindly girl body makes people think he’s frail. Go figure. Nanami assures Apple that he’s fine, as Barry saying “I’m fine” is just out of the question.

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The three characters turn their attention to the river, the level of which is steadily going down, but according to all involved, is still fucking freezing. Nanami is still really down on the idea of looking for the coin at all, but all three of them go down to the water level. Barry and Nanami stand there for a while and watch Apple do all the work–ha!–but eventually I have to let Barry get dirty too. With his sister and another girl? What’s that about? Happily, though, the water’s only knee-deep, so Barry’s shrinkage concerns are a thing of the past.

Trudge, trudge, root, root, complain, complain. No one is finding the stupid coin. After a while, Nanami lets us all know what’s on her mind. “Hey hey hey, enough already!” I should start a “hey hey hey” count for her, I honestly should. She continues, “We’ll never find it I tell you!” Apple and Barry don’t care and continue looking. This just pisses her off more, and finally she spills. “Hey, hey. We’ll never be able to find it!!! I saw the whole thing!!!!” Now Apple’s interested. Nanami elaborates, “When Shu threw the coin, I saw it. That man replaced it with a stone just before he threw it. It happened so fast, I wasn’t sure what I saw but…..” She needn’t go on, but this is Nanami. “That’s why….that’s why…..we’ll never be able to find it…” Thanks, Nanami, you’re a real lifesaver with your ability to cut through the bullshit and tell me what’s really going on.

Also: I like how she let them look for hours and hours before saying anything about this. They could all have hypothermia right now, but Nanami needed to build up the tension. Jesus. Apple, though, either doesn’t believe Nanami or is choosing not to think about it, because she continues to search, insisting that the coin is really there. I think she takes Shu for a much nicer guy than he really is. It’s all that hotness, it softens the brain. That must be it, because Barry’s still looking, too. Nanami confuses me by giving up and starting her search again as well. I suppose this is the game’s way of showing us that Nanami goes along with shit she doesn’t like, as if we won’t see fifty million examples of this. But, hell: she knows the coin isn’t there.

Once it’s really, really late and they’ve already been out there for God knows how long, Apple tells Barry and Nanami to return to the inn. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy…. Shu wasn’t even willing to give me a fair chance…. ..” No, that’s not me stuttering on the space key. The punctuation actually looks like that. This. Fucking. Game. Apple goes on, “But…I didn’t want to believe it. That’s why…..” Well, there’s one mystery solved. She tells them again to go to bed. Yeah, right, lady. If they were going to give up it would and should have been hours ago, so stow it. And right then, Barry jumps up and down gaily as he sees a sparkly in the water. He bends over in the water, nothing X-rated happens because he’s the only guy around, and sure enough, he picks up a shiny gold coin. Nanami’s all, “……………………!!!!!!” making me seriously question my reasons for liking her as much as I do.

For the last time, yes. Barry is gay.

Everyone gathers around Barry, and we establish that yes, it is a fucking gold coin. Nanami jumps for joy and hugs her brother. Apple just stands there, stunned to a happy silence (happy for me, anyway). I muse that if they had brought along Gengen or a duck for this little excursion, they’d be back at the castle by now. But never underestimate Barry’s ability to spot shiny things he could fashion into jewelry. Apple puts two and two together, gets five, tries again, and realizes Shu will be joining them now. At the mention of his name, we pan left and see Shu standing on the river bank. “Apple………” he breathes, and I swear, I will kill something furry and adorable if we get any romance between these two. Shu joins our group in the water. Couldn’t they have all gotten out of the water? Oh, but wait, then they wouldn’t have the pretty full moon reflection to add to the “moment.” Pneumonia be damned!

Shu and Apple agree in as few words as possible about their little promise. Then Shu throws in, “You were so cold to me…. Why did you have to….” Apple cuts him off with, “It was necessary.” Barry sees that these two had some sort of thing and runs off crying, probably to write in his diary about how his heart just broke into thousands of emo pieces. Oh, wait, that’s me. Barry’s still standing there with the coin in his hand, holding his angry, bitter tears for later. Shu must hate both of us, because he adds, “You’re a strong woman.” PUKE! “I may have inherited Master Mathiu’s brain, but you inherited his heart……” DOUBLE PUKE. It’s like everything I know and love is a lie.