The Apple/Shu (oh, how that hurt to type) mush is apparently over for the scene, as Shu gets down to business. “Yes. Leave it to me,” he replies to Apple’s stammering. “I’m worth more than 100,000 soldiers and I’m on your side now.” Okay, even if he thinks Apple is Aphrodite, he’s still hot and now he’s on the team. The clouds over my cold, black heart are clearing. Shu then wades over to Barry and asks to see the coin. When Barry holds out his hand, Shu is gobsmacked. “Th…that rune on your right hand….” I think it would have been hilarious if Nanami had been holding the coin, and it had looked just like the Bright Shield Rune, and he would have thought Nanami was the big, bad hero. Of course, from this rune, Shu immediately knows who Barry is and who his (grand)father was. Doesn’t that just beat all. Nanami asks Shu how he knows, and like everyone else asked this question, he spouts a bunch of non-answery garbage about Genkaku being important to the City-State. Blah blah, I’ll tell you kids when you’re older, blah blee, look at my snappy outfit. Then, out of absolutely nowhere: “Barry………….I want to thank you for saving Apple.” Er. What? “Between you and that rune on your hand, we might just have a chance to win this war.” It’s all stupid empty praise, but Barry is on Cloud Nine because Shu’s talking to him and he’s so cute and sigh. The Pokéball Go! Music interrupts this scene, letting us know that Shu isn’t yanking Barry’s chain–he’s really joining the group. Hooray!
As the camera pans up away from the group, signaling the end of the scene, Shu wonders, “But….this coin….” On the bridge, Dick is standing with his back to them, and we see him flip a gold coin high into the air. “Ha……. Another job well done…..” he says to himself. Oh, that tricky Dick. I feel like this scene should end on the other four all seeing Dick, laughing jovially at his little prank, with a CHiPs-style freeze-frame. So many games would benefit from cheesy CHiPs freeze-frames.
Loading ...The next morning, the party members establish among themselves that Shu will be following them shortly. Nanami wonders if Shu is trying to get out of his promise, but Apple says moronically that Shu wouldn’t do that. Yeah, just like he didn’t try to trick her before. I mean, he’s not going to get out of it, but Apple is stupid and I hate her. On that note, the party heads back to North Window. They immediately discover that in their absence, Bear, Eilie, and Andre thought of a brilliant plan to defeat Salon Jhee and turn water into ambrosia. See, it’s that “sarcasm” thing that’s all the rage with the kids these days. Thought I’d try it out.
Once the whole North Window gang has been filled in about Shu, Bear immediately shares Nanami’s skepticism about him showing up at all. Right when Bear’s talking shit, Shu walks in and makes it clear that anyone who doesn’t trust him can make like a tree and get out of there. Shu and Bear get all in up in each other’s faces, and despite Shu’s cool factor I’m sure Bear could snap him like a twig, but cooler heads prevail and nothing happens. Lame. It’s been way too long since we’ve had some mindless violence in this game. I miss Prince Adolf.
Down to business. Shu asks Flik, or “blue-boy,” in his words, how many bodies they have at their disposal. Flik doesn’t like the moniker, but he’s older and wiser now and isn’t all, “Hey, sucka, I’m Flik of the Blue Lightning, check yo’self!” He answers that while the Highland Army is twenty thousand strong, our heroes have got about two thousand people waiting to throw themselves on spears, and that’s counting old people and babies and inanimate carbon rods. They are so fucked, it’s not even funny.
Shu has another spin on this horrid mathematical reality staring them in the face. Apparently this castle–yes, this very castle, like, what are the odds–could be the key to their victory, as it’s been strategically important in past wars. He points out, logically enough, that the Highlanders can’t bring all twenty thousand of their men to North Window, since they have to leave soldiers to “man their garrisons.” I think of Mr. Garrison from South Park being “manned” and how well that fits into this game. So this, in fact, cuts down their mobile force to ten thousand. “Furthermore,” Shu adds, “one-third of them are former South Window soldiers. Under the right circumstances, we should be able to get them to join our side.” This, according to Shu, makes it more like Highland’s seven thousand versus their five thousand. “We have a good chance to win,” he finishes, obviously not knowing what a load of fuckups he’s signed on with.
Everyone, including Bear, is now on board with Shu, as he’s clearly the man. But Shu doesn’t like all this credibility, so he ruins it for himself by asking our favorite wimpy butt buddy Waylon S to undertake an important mission. That is, he wants Waylon to sneak into the enemy camp and “spread the rumor that all South Window soldiers will be executed when the war is over.” Waylon jumps in the air exuberantly, no doubt popping a boner at this recognition by Shu. I’m happy, too, since the game designers don’t feel the need to have someone say, “Why would you want that?” and then have Shu explain the concept of spooking the South Window soldiers in excruciating detail. For once, I feel like they think my IQ is higher than 65. Hurrah!
Now for the rest of Shu’s plan, which is this: fuck with Salon Jhee’s pointy head, fuck with all of Highland. The whole notion of numbers goes out the window as Shu explains how he wants a single unit to sneak attack Salon’s unit, shaking Highland and convincing the South Window folk to rebel. “Wait a minute,” Flik says. “This is a peninsula. How are we going to sneak around an enemy that has us surrounded?” Fair point, blue-boy. Shu has already thought of this, though: “The Highland Army has only been in land battles. They have no experience on the water. For [Salon] Jhee, water is just an obstacle.” And boats from the “neighboring village” will help them get around to Salon’s backside. Hee.
‘But…won’t you be arrested?’
The gang gets psyched up for battle, but one thing has yet to be decided: who will head the all-important Poking-Salon-Jhee-in-the-Butt Unit? “Either me or [Bear]……” Flik muses, because he thinks he’s hot shit and he’s about to have his ego checked. Shu’s all, “Nah, you guys are cocks,” and then walks over to his young lover Barry. “I’d like you to do it,” he says, the big flirt. “Okay,” Barry replies, not bothering at all to be coy. Before Nanami can freak out over this decision (and she will), Shu says victory is in Barry’s hands. No pressure or anything. Shu offers to help Waylon figure out what to say to the South Windowites, because Waylon is incapable of doing this one thing on his own. He tells Apple to go pick out the cream of the crop to be Barry’s troops in the sneak attack. And he’s leaving Bear, Flik, and Tsai in charge of protecting the castle. Since they did such a great job protecting their fort. Couldn’t Shu delegate these jobs to, oh, I don’t know, competent people? Wait, do we have any?
Oh, that’s reassuring.
Everyone runs off to prepare for the next day, and the blackout screen sweeps us forward to morning, when Nanami drags Barry out of bed. If you’re playing the Suikoden II Drinking Game at home, I believe you need to take a drink now, because Nanami is expressing concern about Barry fighting in a war they don’t belong in. The long and short of her argument is “Can’t someone else do it?” And you can take another shot, as Nanami lets that go in favor of her patented passive-aggressive “I’ll just grin and bear it even though I hate Shu and I want to stick my head in the sand” attitude. Barry just smiles and nods, since we won’t care for another ten hours or so what Nanami thinks. And even then we won’t really care.
The siblings join up and head into the big meeting room, where Shu and all the others are waiting. Right on Barry’s heels, a City-State Soldier Clone runs in and announces the arrival of the Highland Army. Good thing they slept in this morning, just like Barry! Last-minute declarations of heroism and hope and so on are exchanged, Eilie tries and fails to cop a feel on her crush, and the battle begins.
Out on the green fields of the North Window Peninsula, it is pointed out to Salon Jhee by one of his men that their flanks are exposed. Whoops, Salon forgot his pants again, didn’t he? Predictably, Salon thinks this potential sneak attack business is just silliness and ignores the advice to change formation. Ooh, is he ever going to look smart when they sack North Window Castle and kill off the resistance. Yes, sirree.
The first turn of this battle serves to remind me that I didn’t have the option of rearranging these battle units, and they suck ass for it. Bear, Shu, and Apple are all in one super unit, but poor Gilbert is all on his own. Maybe he smells funny. Richard Gere and his Julia Roberts, Seed (whom I’m just going to call Julia from now on), move closer to the castle. On the second turn, Barry’s unit and one more generic unit appear out of nowhere, right behind Salon. Jeez, a little boat sprite on the map would have been a nice touch. Oh, well. Even though Shu is back at the castle, and Barry is supposed to be sneak attacking a unit in between himself and Shu, the strategist still can advise Barry to ignore every unit but Salon’s. Whoops, game designers. Barry’s unit suffers the most for my lack of control over troop formation: all he has is Nanami and Tuta. They did want to win this battle, right?
Somehow, this will never stop being funny.
Once Barry gets into range and attacks, he manages to do fuck-all damage to Salon’s unit. Even though we all know Tuta is a bad-ass in battle, what with that sling and all. Nevertheless, Salon whips around following the attack, all “Wha-huh?” One of the dumbasses in his unit says they’ve been “surrounded,” as if three teenagers and a bunch of clones are going to keep their entire army trapped. Salon agrees with me, and resolves to eliminate Barry. Ho-ho, but wait, there’s more! At this point all the South Window guys on the field notice what Barry did. Without Waylon’s help they all misinterpret this failed attack as a huge success, but he plays it up anyway: “Everyone look!!!! Barry is attacking [Salon] Jhee’s personal unit!! That’s a brave young man!” Yes, going after Salon’s personal unit does take bravery, but there’s no unit too large or too intimidating for Barry to handle. Hee hee. Waylon continues, “Lord Barry! He’s a man that could lead us to victory. It’s our chance to fight back.” Spurred on by Barry’s courage, all the South Windowites’ sprites change their orientation from left to right, indicating they’re on our side now. There’s a bunch of garbage about avenging Lord Granmeyer and taking back their city, too, but who cares? Cannon fodder!
Following this little sequence, Shu magically informs Barry that his task for the battle is completed, and he should get out of harm’s way. Barry doesn’t listen and continues to attack, because selecting “Wait” every turn is boooooooring. After a few turns Salon decides to retreat and the battle automatically ends in victory for the City-State. Barry enters North Window to thousands of City-State Soldier Clones cheering, and a rousing chorus (in my head) of “We Are the Champions.” Because we all know if this game had a classic rock soundtrack, it would be all about the Queen. Lassie, Eilie, Andre, and Tsai of the Severely Overstated Spear are also there to welcome him back. Barry runs away from them as fast as his smooth little legs can manage. Fade out.
In the big meeting hall, everyone else is waiting to kiss Barry’s ass. Flik and Bear in particular have done a total 180, referring to Barry as a “hero” instead of a fragile widdle baby boy. “Everyone’s talking about you,” Eilie says, so she can remind Barry that she’s there. “They’re calling you the ‘herald of victory.'” He’s not going to fuck you, Eilie. Fortunately, Shu’s there to dampen everyone’s enthusiasm. “We’ve managed to win this battle,” he duhs. “But we’ve already lost Lady Anabelle and Muse has fallen under the control of Highland.” In short, the City-State is a divided mess and they’re all going to die unless they unite right now and fight back. Shu suggests 1) making North Window Castle their headquarters and 2) picking a leader everyone in the City-State could get behind. Bear blurts out, “Shu, are you saying you’re going to be that leader?” God, Bear has been in this situation before, you’d think he’d know the formula. Idiot. Flik, another guy who should know better, asks if they’re going to “appeal to the remaining city mayors.” Yeah, we know they’re all assholes, so no. Pay attention, you two.
NO!!!
Out of the blue, without any precedent or anvil-shaped foreshadowing, Shu asks Barry to lead their army. “Barry, no, I mean Lord Barry,” Shu coos to his cute young boyfriend, “You are the one who should become leader of the New State Army. We need you to show us the way to victory.” Now it’s time for another installment of Nanami Loses Her Shit. “Wait a minute here. Why? Why Barry? That’s not right. Can you explain why?” Wow, that was surprisingly devoid of spastic punctuation. I’m almost impressed, Nanami. Shu, everyone else in the room, the entire populace of the City-State, God, Darth Vader, and the cocker spaniels of the world all scream out, “He’s Genkaku’s son!” Furthermore, he holds the same True Rune that Genkaku once did. DUN DUN DUN, but not, since we already sorta knew. And as the cherry on top, Barry just “defeated” Salon Jhee. Bitch, please, he didn’t do anything of the sort.