NOOOOO!

Meanwhile, Barry’s men are panicking and Shu is throwing ellipses into the wind. Kiba senses weakness, and counters Shu’s ellipses with exclamation points: “The enemy is shaken. Now’s our chance!! Follow me!!!!!!!!” At this point, as in the last battle, the Yaoi Army is more than holding its own–admittedly in part because the Prick’s men are hanging back and munching popcorn–but everyone is still acting like all hope is lost. Right when Flik shouts out, “Scatter!!!! Protect Barry!!!!!” in a way that I find inexplicably hilarious, three new Yaoi Army units appear between Kiba’s and the Prick’s formations. Of course, it’s Ridley and his two kobold units. Calmly, he orders, “The time is right. All troops advance. Don’t let any Highland soldiers escape.” Klaus goes, “What the fuck?!” like he’s never heard of pro wrestling kayfabe before. You mean, Ridley and Shu weren’t really fighting? Gasp!

Of course, the battle wasn’t over before Ridley showed up, but it’s hardly over afterward, either. Barry and his Rainbow Warriors have to hold out for several more turns, and only Ridley manages to do any damage to Kiba’s unit with its ungodly high defense. After a while, when Kiba is down to only a couple other units beside his own, he growls, “We’re being slaughtered. What the hell is the 4th Company doing!!” In fact, the faceless Suikoclones of the Fourth Company are agitating to get their commander to help, and slowly the Prick is coming around to folding up his camp chair and marching forward. But another mounted Highland unit, led by Leon Silverberg, appears at that moment to announce, “Orders from Lord [Adolf Hitler], King of Highland. You’d be well advised to follow them immediately.” The Prick reads the orders and goes, “Ooooooh. Awkward. All right. All forces!!! Full retreat!!!! Suck my balls, Kiba!” And just like that, they leave Kiba and Klaus in the lurch. Leon lingers a moment to stare creepily at Shu–name-dropping Mathiu to no one in the process–and then follows the Fourth Company.

And he is SPOKEN FOR, Silverberg.

Kiba, as you might imagine, is mighty pissed off that the Prick left him well and truly fucked like this. Klaus says morosely, “Father, forgive me… My strategy has brought us to ruin.” Well, it might have been fine if not for the Prick, but relying on that guy was stupid in the first place. Apple, left in charge so Shu can go have a cocktail and then change into his red lace victory teddy for Barry, announces, “They’ve lost their will to fight. Offer them terms of surrender. Take Kiba and his son, Klaus, into custody. Don’t hurt them.”

Barry walks alone up the path to the castle, where Nanami, Shu, Apple, Miklotov, the Gypsy Trio, and Lassie are waiting for him. “You look pleased. You must have won,” Eilie says, hoping this will finally be the day Barry is so drunk on victory that he forgets she’s a woman. And Shu and Apple are right there, waiting with the rest of them, so it’s not like Eilie doesn’t already know how it went. Give it up, honey. Lassie dances mutely in a celebratory circle, and Andre announces, “[Lassie] is happy. [Andre] also happy.” Fantastic. That’s obviously what’s important. As Eilie and Nanami fuss over our hero and make sure he’s not injured or suffering from indigestion, Bear and Flik saunter up behind Barry, at the head of the Yaoi Army Suikoclones escorting Kiba and Klaus.

Flik unnecessarily introduces the captives, and Bear tries to make small talk, telling Kiba, “You were good. I was worried up to the end.” But Kiba has no interest in talking shop with his enemy. “You haven’t earned the right to call me by my name, boy,” he snaps at Bear. “Kill me and be done with it.” At this rather definitive request, Shu walks over and takes a look at them. He turns to Barry and says, “General Kiba is a great general, and his son, Klaus, is also a military genius. Lord Barry, I suggest you free them and accept them as our allies.” Now, look, I’m not saying that’s not exactly what’s going to happen. But Kiba just said they should just kill him, and he shows no actual signs of disloyalty to his country. I mean, free them, just like that? Shu is smarter than that. Nonetheless, Barry looks over his two options–“Cut off their heads” and “Your son sure is cute, wanna join my army?”–and, realizing the former probably isn’t an option anyway, asks General Kiba to join them. But Kiba tells him to shove it. “I owe allegiance to Agares Blight, King of Highland,” he maintains. “To join forces with the enemy would dirty my good name.” After a second request, Klaus sadly echoes his father’s sentiment.

After Barry asks them a third time to bring their military expertise and Klaus’s fine little ass into the fold, but before they can tell him to fuck off again, a Yaoi Army Suikoclone runs up the path, shouting in typos about a letter from Highland. Shu asks him to read it, and so he does: “King [Adolf] sends you this present in honor of your bravery. We look forward to the next battle. Signed Leon Silverburg.” Daaaaang.

Sigh.

Shu asks Klaus to translate, even though he probably knows exactly what it means. Klaus reluctantly complies, because he did not like what he heard. “Ugg……………….” he breathes. “K, King Agares has been……murdered by……….Prince [Adolf]………..” I feel like if I made a pie chart of how I spend my time recapping this game, “Counting ellipses and exclamation points” would be a depressingly large slice. Kiba thinks this is a pretty big leap in logic and rebukes his son for being “careless,” but Klaus is sure, telling Kiba, “The engagement of Lady Jillia….the death of Lord Agares……. The changes in the 4th Company…. That’s all I can think about.” Kiba responds with a grief-stricken “………………………..” to round out the worst-punctuated paragraph in this site’s history.

Kiba is holding it together and not rending his clothing or anything, so Shu picks this totally appropriate moment to remind the father and son, “[Adolf Hitler] doesn’t want a victory for the Kingdom, he wants to take the life of every citizen of the City-State. But it’s not just the State that has reason to fear. [Adolf]’s ambition could destroy Highland as well!” Kiba and Klaus exchange some ellipses and extremely few words, until Kiba breaks their apparent mind meld, a mutual decision reached. “Lord Barry,” he says. “It is a warrior’s shame to change masters, but I’ll take that shame. Please let me fight alongside you.” Fucking nice. Even better, Klaus chimes in, “Lord Barry. It seems I was no match for you. My genius alone was not enough to defeat you and your impressive[ly well endowed] collection of warriors. But from this day forward, I am yours to command. Please use my humble skills as you see best.” I will ignore that he referred to his skills as “genius” and “humble” in consecutive sentences, just like Barry is conveniently ignoring how mad he was at Klaus earlier. He knows exactly what his first command to Klaus will be.

‘Klaus, Lord Barry will show you to your room.’

Before the fade out on this unexpectedly awesome day, Shu wonders aloud if it was his presence that drove Leon Silverberg into Jowy and Adolf’s arms. Apple just goes, “Shu…………..” but leaves off the “…dude, no. Get over yourself.”

‘Fucking amazing, thanks to you.’

The next morning, Barry wakes, though he’s alone and there are no signs of his amazing three-way with Shu and Klaus. Not even one tasteful ascot was left crumpled on the floor. Whistling to himself, he heads downstairs for some juice and toast, stopping next door to give Shu a quick good morning peck. And once he’s helped himself to the continental breakfast at Leona’s, he grabs Clive and together they teleport to Radat. Once there, they head straight to the tavern, since Clive has had a bug up his ass about going there for quite a while now.

Inside, Clive addresses the owner of the establishment and asks about Elza, his white whale. The owner responds, “Umm……I…….err……..Well ya see……” Clive snaps, “Do you know her!!!” and he looks as irritated as I feel after typing all those ellipses. The owner hems and haws some more, but finally indicates a woman to their left, who’s been sitting at a table this whole time, presumably enjoying some dim sum. The woman, who actually is Elza and not just some hick in a white cloak, purrs at Clive, “So, boy, you finally came. But I was thinking about going to another city soon.” Who are you, Carmen Sandiego? Well, Carmen Sandiego wasn’t playing coy and hoping to be caught, so no. Clive wants to end this right now, but Elza reminds him that he can’t, or he might hit the sleeping drunk at table four. “The Guild won’t like their reputation being damaged like that, y’know,” she adds. Of course, if she thought this would be a deterrent, that kind of backfires, because everyone except Barry and Clive hightails it out of there.

Well, if you insist.

“………………….Listen up, you criminal….” Clive says. I hate Clive so much right now. “For the murder of my fellow Gunner and Guild member, Kelley…. In the name of my gun, Storm, I sentence you to death.” Okay, now at least we know that Clive has spent half his life hunting her for a real crime, and not for stealing a couple of pistols. Because that was getting to be sad. But what’s even sadder is Elza trying to appeal to Clive’s, ugh, libido: “Hey Clive…….” she purrs again. “We used to be more than friends… Couldn’t you just let me go?” Barry doesn’t say anything but I bet his jaw just dropped. “Don’t say it…..” Clive pleads for her to shut up about that, because even if the man has a one-track mind, he knows Barry is nicer to him when he thinks they’ll get busy. “Murdering a Guild Gunner, stealing a gun and fleeing….” Clive recites. “According to Harmonia law, both crimes are punishable by death.” Elza basically tells him where he can shove his laws, and adds, “Do you believe in anything besides the weight of your guns?” I’m sure he does. What about length? And girth? And explosive power? Clive simply replies, “Maybe I can believe again…. Once I kill you, that is…..” This directly implies that, since he began his hunt, Clive has not had the energy for anything else except the occasional tedious masturbating session. His dick just feels like lead in his hands.

Elza realizes she’s not going to talk him out of this, and asks with yet more ellipses for a “duel between Gunners.” Clive doesn’t think so, though. “Wrong!!!!” he screams, showing some emotion for once. Barry rolls his eyes, like “Finally.” Anyway, Clive is still yelling, “You’re a criminal and I’m an executioner!!!!!!!” Elza just goes “Whatever,” they both whip out their guns, and Clive’s gun backfires. But Elza’s guns are just fine, and she plants two in Clive. Clive talks to his gun (no, really), asking, “Storm……why……” His gun not backfiring would not have made Elza not shoot him, of course, but I’m willing to believe Clive doesn’t give a shit about that as long as he completes his mission. It makes sense that the one guy who is all “CHICKS!” in this game only wants to find one so he can kill her.

Uh, he’s still here.

After a fade, Clive wakes up in Dr. Huan’s infirmary with Barry hovering over him. Aww. They don’t have the Blinking Mirror yet, so that means our hero dragged Clive’s sorry ass on foot all the way back to the castle. At the head of the bed, Dr. Huan informs him, “You’re a lucky one, Clive. What’d you call e’m, ‘bullets’? They only hit you in the shoulder and leg and it nearly killed you.” Oh, that punctuation. I can’t even with this. Clive groans, but not because of that horrible misplaced apostrophe–he realizes that Elza missed, and murmurs, “A knight-class gunner missed?….. That can’t be……” How many fucking knights are there in this series? Even the guys with guns are knights! Jesus. Dr. Huan tells Barry, “Just a few inches more and… If she was really aiming, then she’s an incredible shot….” Barry tuned out after that first part, doc.