Lepant considers this with some ellipses, and then tells him, “When this land was ruled by the Scarlet Moon Empire, we fought constantly with the City-State. Even after the Toran Republic was established, we battled the armies of Tinto and South Window, who invaded in an attempt to take advantage of our internal discord. And despite all this, you see to form an State among such long-standing enemies?” Did he repeat Barry’s horribly embarrassing “an State” gaffe just to irk him? He so would. Anyway, Waylon decides that Barry can’t answer this himself, or wants to make this all about his own fucking issues, so he tells Lepant that King Adolf will surely be on his way through that tiny mountain pass and up all those fucking ladders as soon as the Yaoi Army falls. And then he adds, “As a citizen of South Window, I fought against you with Lord Granmeyer. Naturally it’s hard to ask for your help. But [Adolf Hitler] seeks nothing less than the destruction of all citizens in the City-State. I will do anything for the people of the South Window. [Sigh.] So please, I beg of you, please consider our request.”

Once Waylon has backed away, Lepant considers this and realizes he’d like to hear it from Barry himself and not some fucking lickspittle. He asks, “Lord Barry, why do you continue to fight?” I’m not even sure there is a right or wrong answer here, but Barry picks the one that sounds the most reasonable: “To put an end to this war.” To this, Lepant says, “You are much like him. I may be the president of the Toran Republic, but there’s a young man who should be sitting on this throne. He led tens of thousands of soldiers into battle and finally brought peace to our land. I see the same glimmer in your eyes that I did in his. You too represent the hopes and desires of all those who follow you.” That was an awfully long-winded way to say, “Your name is at the top of Leknaat’s stone tablets, and so was his,” but I guess Lepant is also trying to show a little remorse for being a total dick to PUGGY!!! all the time.

Of course, this means that Lepant will grant Barry his alliance, and he asks Tesla, who’s in the throne room for some reason, how many men they can lend to the Yaoi Army’s cause. Tesla replies that they have 5000 men available, which sounds pretty great. “Then there’s the matter of who will lead them…” Lepant murmurs, and Barry tries as hard as he can not to blurt out, “Those babes behind you look like they’re free,” because he doesn’t want to look desperate. Unfortunately, this was the wrong tactic. Alen says General Valeria is in town “to report from Pannu Yakuta Castle,” and Grenseal adds that “Kasumi, the Vice-Chancellor of [Bukkake], is also in town for military training exercises. Either would make a trustworthy leader for our army.” No. Nooooo! Barry does not need any more fucking ladies!

After a Black Screen of Unnecessarily Upping the Estrogen in the Room, Valeria and Kasumi walk in and greet Lepant. Lepant introduces Valeria as one of his six generals, whose “skill with a sword is unrivaled.” He knows Barry has zero interest in this, but Barry nods politely to Valeria anyway. Likewise, he introduces Kasumi, Bukkake’s representative in their toddler government. “It’s nice to meet you,” Kasumi says. “Please call me Kasumi.” I’m guessing she has to say this because PUGGY!!! always addressed her as “Not Interested.” And now, Lepant reveals his ultimate troll move: Barry has to choose one of these ladies to accompany him and those 5000 sorely needed men. I bet he’s gonna be laughing his ugly ginger ass off tonight as he has a candlelight dinner with Alen and Grenseal.

Sheena, ever so helpful, enthuses, “Damn, they’re both hot! So what’s it gonna be? Which one do you want?” The implication that Sheena will take the other one is left unsaid, but Barry glares at her anyway. So Sheena has notes on these two women, which I don’t bother consulting because I know what they’re about. Both of them take up a front-row spot in battle, but Valeria can use shields and heavier armor and is therefore a little better at taking a beating. Kasumi commands an archery unit in army battles, while Valeria commands calvalry. And while Valeria isn’t nearly as clingy and probably won’t try to claim Barry as her boyfriend, Kasumi will allow Barry to return to Bukkake immediately to recruit those two attractive male ninjas, instead of having to wait until way later. But ultimately, Barry decides if he has to choose a lady, he’d like the one least likely to spy on him and his boyfriends in the bath. Valeria it is. “[Adolf Hitler]’s presence is a serious threat to the Toran Republic,” Lepant says to her. “I’m counting on you, Valeria.” Valeria joins up, and Barry pretends to be super-jazzed about collecting this female Pokémon just to stick it to Lepant, who probably wants to see him break down in tears.

Now, let’s watch Lepant continue to sandwich his bad news between his good news. He’s pretty masterful at it. “Now, please accept this, Lord Barry, as a symbol of the friendship between the Yaoi Army and the Toran Republic.” And from Tesla he grabs the Blinking Mirror, the most amazing artifact in the Suikoden universe. Kick ass. He implies that this should be PUGGY!!!’s, but he’ll happily loan it to his doe-eyed successor. But here comes that bad news slice of bread: Sheena congratulates Barry on his hot new lady companion and his bitchin’ new wardrobe accessory, wishes him luck, and assures him she is going to stay in Gregminster to suck off her daddy’s fat government teat. But too bad for her, and for Barry! Lepant grabs his daughter by her sleeveless turtleneck and says, “I have a request for you, Lord Barry. Take my idiot [daughter] with you. [She’s] not worth much, but maybe you can make a [woman] out of [her].” Eww, NO THANKS, Lepant. But as with Valeria, Barry has no choice if he wants to keep his 5000 buff dudes and Blinking Mirror, so after Barry listens to Lepant berate her for being immature and lazy, Sheena joins the Yaoi Army as well. He’s starting to feel like the name is false advertising.

At least Sheena is getting into the Yaoi Army spirit.

Once his party, plus Sheena and Valeria, has been folded back into his robe, Barry is automatically teleported back to the gate, where Varkas implores Valeria to be careful, since if she dies, “it will hurt the Republic’s reputation.” Man, he is such a bitch now. Valeria says they should hurry back to HoYay Castle, but nuts to that! Barry wants to explore Gregminster, the Historic Gay Capital of Suikoland! He talks to Varkas again to get an escort back.

First things first, Barry returns to the palace, so he can slide around on Lepant’s shiny floors and maybe take a dump in a dark corner. On the first floor, he finds a tiny room with a really sad little shrine to PUGGY!!!. It looks like Lepant spared every expense in honoring that man he just talked up to Barry like he’s fucking Obama. A maid dusting the exhibit explains, “This room is devoted to the hero of the [Lubrication] War, Lord [PUGGY!!!]. After the war was won, Lord [PUGGY!!!] departed for parts unknown…” Maybe he found out they wanted Lepant to be his vice-president and he just could not bear the thought of it. Anyway, the room has a bust of PUGGY!!!. It’s unpainted so it doesn’t provide a good sense of his garish fabulousness, but hilariously, a replica of his yellow Hammer pants and bright red tunic are hanging on a dressmaker’s dummy against the wall, under replicas of PUGGY!!!’s staff and Gremio’s axe, crossed together to symbolize how PUGGY!!! and Gremio used to touch wieners. And on the bookshelf, he finds Old Book Vol. 7, or “The Birth of the Toran Republic.” I hope this is a really graphic yaoi doujinshi.

After receiving a Copper Hammer from a man guarding one of their storage rooms, Barry learns from a geezer in robes, “A guy named Kanaan was just arrested for fraud, right here in the capital city.” It’s kind of amazing nothing happened to that tubby asshole until just now. Awesome justice system here in the Toran Republic.

‘This outfit is SO AWESOME.’

Barry gets bored of the orange palace and heads into the city, where there are still plenty of strange hexagonal houses with no doors, and plenty of Suikoclones who think Gregminster is just the coolest city ever, even though everything looks a little moldy and dingy. Outside one house, Barry finds Lorelai, the mulleted woman who is obsessed with finding the Sindar. Lorelai is a big ol’ government insider now, and therefore knows who Barry is and what he’s doing there, so Barry cuts right to the chase and asks her to join the increasingly lady-filled Yaoi Army. “I’m afraid I can’t…” Lorelai replies. “I have no intention of fighting a losing battle.” Ouch! What a bitch! She adds that she’s searching for the Sindar, which has nothing to do with ignorant little Barry, obviously. Barry is hardly going to beg some lady to join his army, so he moves on.

Barry has never been more disappointed in his life.

After buying a tomato seedling from some asshole outside, Barry enters the inn. It’s called Marie’s Inn, and–wait for it–Marie is hanging out there, dusting or whatever, but there’s another lady behind the desk actually running things. She tells Barry, “Lord [PUGGY!!!] has spent the night here…we’re quite the historical hotel.” Historical is totally a code word for shitty, you guys. Always. Sarah the laundry lady is also hanging out in the inn, and she too has enough of an in with the government to know who Barry is. Sarah is apparently all philosophical now, and tells him, “So another child leads an army into battle… It’s ironic, isn’t it…?” No, not really. But she goes on, “Here, take this. It used to belong to a fool…” She hands him a Cyclone Rune, which is going on Luc the second Barry gets to a runemaster. I don’t know which fool Sarah is referencing–there are so many–but I can’t say I care, either.

West of Marie’s Inn, Barry finds a trading post, run by yet another Portrait Person. The proprietor, named Gordon, wears a brick-red beret, charcoal shawl, and permanently smarmy, beady-eyed expression. “Welcome!!” he sneers at Barry, probably rubbing his hands together. “We have tons of unique, exotic wares from as far north as Harmonia and the Nameless Lands, and as far south as Kanakan!!” Barry takes a quick moment to peruse these wares before moving on.

Once he’s had his fill of shopping and checking in with random douchebags from the last game (update: Lotte lost her fucking cat again!), Barry checks out one of the bigger houses in the northeast part of town, which is of course PUGGY!!!’s old house. I’m a little surprised Lepant didn’t have the place torn down so he could erect a bronze statue of himself buttfucking PUGGY!!!’s dead dad, since he had to suffer the indignity of having that PUGGY!!! bust made. Anyway, inside the house, there is a familiar pot of stew simmering away, but the only person hanging out inside is Cleo, who has absolutely nothing of importance to say. Well, that was fascinating. Barry is totally glad he spent 20 minutes of his life here. He buys a souvenir Gregminster magnet for High Yo’s refrigerator and talks to Varkas to get his escort back to Banner Pass.

Of course, there is no overworld map available until Barry gets back on the boat at Banner Village, which means he has to run all the way back through the pass, and must make that round trip anytime he wishes to visit Gregminster. Which would be never, except for those jerks Barry pointedly failed to recruit just now. Fucking Lorelai. So, let’s skip ahead to Banner Village, where Barry is greeted by Apple and Ridley. I feel like their trip over here to fetch him was probably filled with a lot of awkward silences. Anyway, Apple greets Valeria enthusiastically, like they exchanged two words as members of the Lubrication Army. Ridley says that Adolf is back on the front lines and ready to attack, so they came to hasten his return. And even though he finally has an item that could make this easy, the game conveniently automatically returns the party to HoYay Castle anyway. Apple, with Sheena and Valeria, says, “We’ll be in the great hall. I’m sure you’re exhausted, Lord Barry, but please go to the great hall first.” Or he’ll do what the fuck he wants, lady. After that vagina-filled trip, about the last thing in the universe he needs is getting bossed around by fucking Apple. Nonetheless, he reluctantly does as she asks and trudges up to the war room. We’ll catch up with him and find out the big news from Shu in the next recap…right now!