The momentum so palpably shifts at Richard’s arrival I am inclined to think it was mathematically tilted to this effect, but really, the Yaoi Army is hanging in there despite fighting on three different fronts. But a couple turns after Richard’s wizardry, Apple moans that “at this rate” they’re all screwed. Shu, however, calmly replies, “I anticipated this. Time to give our own signal.” He does so, and two piddly-shit Yaoi Army infantry units appear to the northeast, close to Jowy. The units, mysteriously labeled “Reinforcements,” shout, “It’s time!!! Attack!!!!!!” and “Go!!! Go!!!” Are we sure these aren’t Highland spies who worked very closely with King Adolf? Or is punctuitis enjoying a resurgence in Barry’s own ranks?! Richard is stunned that the Yaoi Army pulled the exact same stunt he did. Jowy just says, “We’ve been outmaneuvered… But we can still save our troops if we order [Richard] to pull back before he’s surrounded. Then we’ll have all our forces retreat.” Fascinating look into the brilliant strategic mind of Jowy Atreides Blight here. He could surpass Apple, one day. For how much of a process Jowy made it sound like, Richard retreats a beat later, at the exact same time all the other Highland and Matilda units do. Why you gotta waste my time like that, Jowy? Clive is mad enough at Barry as it is.

At the Matilda-Greenhill checkpoint, Bear says with relief that the Highlanders are retreating. “But who’s army was that?” he asks. Sigh. Then, as some sappy music plays, Barbara walks up, followed by Leona, Hilda, and Lloyd. Shu assures them all they did very well, even as Leona is complaining about the trouble they were put through. Barry, for his part, is incensed–Barbara is far and away the most valuable person in the Yaoi Army and he put her at risk! Who would have managed his storehouse full of musk and peeing boys in the event of Barbara’s death, Shu? Who, dammit?!

Beyond Shu very callously putting an MVP like Barbara in harm’s way, what exactly just happened here? I have to imagine there were other people in this decoy reinforcement squad beyond these four. Was it an “army” of all the non-combatants from HoYay Castle? Is Fukui-san finally having to earn his keep? Or was it my earlier idea of mops in spare Suikoclone uniforms? Ken Burns needs to get on this.

Shortly, the Yaoi Army leadership has relocated to the dorms at Greenhill Academy for their next move, taking Rockaxe Castle. Shu explains that Ridley, Hauser, and Teresa will take their men and Moleskine notebooks and deploy in an effort to lure Highland away from the castle. “When the enemy takes the bait,” Shu explains, “Lord Barry will covertly lead a small army into Rockaxe Castle.” Shu sure is relying on a lot of decoys lately. Apple adds that they will be able to do this because, in the last battle, some of the Matilda Knights now in the Yaoi Army disguised themselves as current Matilda Knights and retreated with Wart, and are now in position to open the gates. I truly wish we were about to be treated to a montage of Matildaclones carefully swapping their red and blue uniforms for white ones while Miklotov and Camus supervised and made out with each other, but we’re on a schedule, here.

Nanami eagerly prompts Shu for the rest of the plan, which is almost comically simple: Barry and his crew will infiltrate Rockaxe, burn the Highland flag flying atop its ramparts, and replace it with a Yaoi Army flag. By the way, Barry never did get to design a new logo for his army, and is still using the feather iconography of the City-States. Tragique. But Klaus explains why replacing one basic-ass flag with another matters: “The Highland Army has over-extended themselves. They have taken the Knightdom by force, but their control over them is weak. They’ll think the castle has fallen, and the knights will give up. The tide of the battle will then turn in our direction.” So many ifs to this, notably the one where maybe the knights and the Highlanders don’t give a fig if a flag changes, or the one where they don’t even see it because they’re in the middle of a battle. To the hanging question of what happens if they fail in this capture the flag endeavor, Shu notes that Hauser, Ridley, and Teresa will be run down and “slaughtered,” the entire Yaoi Army will shortly follow suit, and Jowy will spend the rest of his life banging Richard and Julia with zero enthusiasm. Cool. Great. Barry is asked to select a party.

Here, it is worth noting, Nanami asks, “Of course you’ll take me, right?” In my case it feels like a ridiculous question–the last time Nanami was not in Barry’s party was in the battle against Adolf, and it was only because party balance required her to be in a different group. I’m sure there are people out there who only use Nanami when they have to, because they’re MRA dirtbags and her cup size is too small to be included, but even then you are forced to use her, like, all the time. And this is no exception, as this choice is not a choice and Nanami’s coming whether Barry wants her along or not. So Barry’s all, “Of course!” Nanami replies, “Natch! You know you need your big sister to protect you!” Well, someone has to piggyback his skinny ass out of trouble when his rune inevitably does something without his permission. Again. Barry fills out the party with the burly men he kitted out earlier–Bear, Flik, and Georg–and also Luc, since he has no time to go fetch PUGGY!!! for this. God, I hope Elza kills Clive at the end of their storyline, and takes a really long time to do it.

The iron is still hot, so after one last confirmation from Dear Leader, Shu calls for the strike. The scene shifts to the exterior gate of Rockaxe, which opens to let out Richard and Julia at the head of a company of mixed Highlandclones and Matildaclones. Julia grumbles that Barry et al are “persistent bastards.” Why won’t Barry just give up and leave Jowy to them forever? I’m starting to wonder myself. Richard sighs at him that they’ll just wait for the Yaoi Army to overextend itself, ironically enough. They’re all so alike! They’d be lovers friends if they weren’t enemies!

As soon as the last Matildaclone ass has vanished offscreen, Barry, Nanami, Shu, Klaus, Apple, and a bunch of Yaoiclones emerge from the trees. I’m starting to think punctuitis grants wizard powers as a side effect. Shu calls for the signal, someone else lets out a quick whistle, and the gate reopens. Does Shu not know how to whistle? That’s kind of a turnoff. He tells the clones to go inside and “do your best to avoid detection.” Thanks, Super Genius! This is why Shu makes the big bucks. He turns to Barry now. “Lord Barry, there isn’t much time left. If the enemy returns before the flag is destroyed, the Yaoi Army’s fate is sealed. We’ll follow when it’s safe, Lord Barry, but please find the flag as quickly as possible!” Wouldn’t it be safest to go with Barry and this coterie of brawny studs he’s assembled? Sure, whatever, Shu. Nanami rolls her eyes at him. “We know, we know, already!” she says. “It’ll be fine, okay? After all, Nanami’s on the job, right?” Goddamn right, lady. She folds into Barry and they disappear into the castle, where nothing, absolutely nothing, will go wrong.

Perhaps foreshadowing how insanely not true that is, the second Barry is gone, a Yaoiclone runs up the path to Shu with a message from Kiba. (How this guy didn’t get spotted by the Highlanders is beyond me.) Shu asks that he read it aloud so, y’know, his son who’s standing right here can hear how great his dad is doing. The courier obliges: “Y… Yes sir. After arriving at the fort, General Kiba engaged in combat with Leon Silverburg…” From here, we are treated to this young man’s vivid word picture transforming into a grayscale flashback. Kiba, standing in front of the fort, shouts at his men, “Stand your ground!!! Don’t flinch!!!!! Every minute we hold out brings us closer to a victory for Lord Barry! A victory for the Yaoi Army!!!” Bless his stout old ass and his adorable stanning for my boy, but he spent too long with Adolf and clearly was in the direst late stages of the disease. But the messenger only has that one scenelet in him, as we come back to the present for the end of the message: “…During the battle, both Silverburg and General Kiba were mortally wounded…” Well, fuck. I really thought he was gonna make it! Shu’s all, “I see…” and Klaus is all, “Father…” and it’s the closest either one ever gets to emotion, so let’s just assume they’re about to sob hysterically and make out with each other behind some trees once the scene fades out. Barry will understand.

(Put a pin in that whole “Leon was mortally wounded” bit. We’ll come back to it.)

Speaking of Barry, he is now on the empty streets of Rockaxe, with no idea that his future father-in-law has died defending his good name. A red and a blue Matildaclone stand guard on either side of a previously hidden door into the castle proper. And everybody in town has locked their doors tight against the invading Yaoi menace, keeping Barry from hitting the trading post, so he proceeds straight into the bowels of Rockaxe.

Rockaxe Castle seems to be about 90 percent hallways and ladders. Ladders! Not even stairs! Very convenient for a bunch of men in plate armor. And a bunch of the hallways have provisions piled up in crates at their ends, since the only architect in Matilda had never heard of a storage room. (I will fanwank my own criticism to note that in war time you stack supplies wherever you have room, but seriously, so many hallways in this place.) At the junction of the first hallway and tower, Barry finds a Stone of Speed, which seems like a natural thing to keep in a treasure chest near your back door. I want to believe that was some Matildaclone’s Adderall stash.

By my count, Barry traverses 10 hallways and six towers with ladders before he comes across a real room, and that leaves out his run across the outer ramparts between ladders, i.e. an outdoor hallway. And even that room is a small foyer that exits to the castle’s grassy inner courtyard. These hallways are also patrolled not only by packs of Matilda Knights and Highland soldiers, but by charcoal-gray griffins, a totally logical thing to see in a dark castle corridor with low ceilings and tiny windows. A castle, also, that is a regular place of business for a military organization. Barry would be absolutely mortified if a coterie of hot guys invaded his castle and got attacked by random gangs of flying squirrels and all his best loot was lying around in piles in corners. Does Wart have no standards at all?

The courtyard provides access to the castle’s inner gate, and finally to some real rooms, in this case another foyer, an entrance hall connected to the knights’ training area, and some bedrooms. I guess this all makes sense, then, since that last bit was all in the outer castle, which is probably nothing but walls with hallways in them, and this is the real castle. But I already wrote all that nitpicking before this occurred to me, and it would be dishonest to change it now. In this inner sanctum, the Matilda Knights finally start accosting Barry non-randomly and trying to bar his passage. This is the point where I remember that four of the people in this party don’t need to conserve their strength for a boss and just have Luc start blasting their faces clean off with The Shredding. It’s amazing how regularly I bring this dude and just have him do nothing in the back row because I think I’m actually going to need all 20 of his spell slots for one boss.

Up some stairs and past some zealously protective White Knights, Barry finds a room with two chests, one containing Dragon Plans #4 and the other containing Unicorn Plans #4. I believe each of these correspond to the animals’ dongs tails, and I’m concerned that Wart has coopted these innocent schematics for a well hung animal sculpture in his plans to fill his castle with biological abominations.

Up another set of stairs, Barry finds a save point. I was about to comment on how curious that is, but Barry’s castle has a save point next to a flight of stairs, so I can just stow it. The door past the save point leads back outside, across the inner ramparts, where Barry is confronted one more time by some White Knights eager to sprout tonfa and swords from their backs.

On the other side the party finds another door leading in, and another set of stairs. Here, they pause and file out of their leader. Bear announces that they’re almost there, just as a White Knight shouts from outside, “Don’t let them get away!!!” It will take maybe seven seconds to dispatch these men, but everyone is concerned that’s seven seconds they don’t have, I guess. Georg says, “They’re still coming, eh? I’ll handle things here!!! Barry, Nanami, you guys go get the flag!!!” O…kay? How strange, to specifically single out these two, and to not send any muscle with THE LEADER OF THE GODDAMN ARMY. Luc and one meat shield could basically hold this door indefinitely, but this also seems like a solid plan! But Nanami also knows she don’t need no man to protect her brother, and agrees. “Okay, good, let’s go!” she says. “Come on, Barry! Be careful, everyone!!!” Flik tells them to be careful right back, and the group separates.

Upstairs, Nanami is concerned that “It’s a bit…too quiet…” If it weren’t quiet, they’d now be outnumbered by a bunch of knights, so I don’t know what she even wants here. But Barry heeds Nanami’s bid to hurry it up, and they head north through the door.

Barry and Nanami walk side by side across a columned stone balcony overlooking Rockaxe’s great hall. It’s sterile and empty, but it looks way more grandiose than anything HoYay Castle’s got going and Barry is trying not to seethe about it. “Heh… Heh… We made it…” Nanami pants. They didn’t exactly run this whole way so I don’t know what her deal is. “But it wasn’t easy. Well, let’s get this over with!!!” …Yeah, let’s. On cue, from the other end of the balcony, Jowy asks, “What are you looking for, Barry?” Oh, just this flag, have you seen it?

The Theme of Exes Who Keep Running into Each Other immediately begins playing as soon as the three teens walk toward each other, so I’m guessing this isn’t going to be the scene where Jowy pulls his head out of his ass. Accordingly, he says, “Barry, Nanami… I don’t know what you’re doing here, but I won’t let you pass…” He whips out his sword, causing Nanami to freak out and put her balled-up fists to her face. “J…Jowy!!! No!!! Don’t do this!!!” I want to say something about Nanami not wanting to watch her brother and best friend just ravage each other right here on the granite tile, but for once I will read the room. Barry, also, does not feel like whipping out his dick, symbolic or otherwise, and says so.

Nanami, once more for posterity, demands to know why they have to fight. “Because it’s fate…” Jowy says, incredibly lamely. His sprite even sighs, like he doesn’t really believe any of this. “That’s got to be the answer… Barry, there are many people counting on you… To the Yaoi Army, you represent hope itself… But I too…I too have people who need me. People who believe in me.” I have wondered for some time if Jowy has been collecting his own 107 other Stars of Destiny and whichever of the pair assembled a better (yes, meaning hotter, obviously) group would get Leknaat’s seal of approval. Which brings me to the clear conclusion that The Prick singlehandedly (singlefacedly) tanked Jowy’s average beyond redemption.

“No, no way!” Nanami shouts. She’s very much hoping she can overcome this problem with volume. “That’s not true!!! I don’t believe in destiny! And Genkaku didn’t either!!! It’s all just a load of crap!!!” As much as I want to side with Nanami here, she did just watch Leknaat bestow extra magic powers on her brother as a specific reward for fulfilling his destiny. I mean, she was six inches away. “If that’s… If that’s the reason the Yaoi Army must fight Highland… If that’s the reason why Barry and Jowy have to fight…” Nanami is a kind soul and also loves Jowy too much to level with him, so I’ll do it for her: even if fate is playing a role here, and even if Barry has kind of passively floated along on its wave as other people asked him to do stuff and he said “Okay,” Barry isn’t the one who chose to murder the mayor of Muse, and chose to betray his man, and chose to murder a king, and chose to orchestrate the death of the next king, and chose to marry their heir and become king himself. Maybe Leon talked him into all of those things, but he’s been pretty active for someone who is trapped by a cruel destiny. Here’s an alternative theory: cheating on Barry with Richard and Julia wouldn’t be his worst crime if he also committed espionage and murdered a bunch of people! He got away with it!

Jowy doesn’t like my theory. He wouldn’t. “This land… Our home… It’s not big enough for both Highland and the City-State… That fact is what led to all this fighting, all this sadness,” Jowy says. Oh, horseshit. The world map is an endless rolling green plain with like five tiny cities on it. It’s less populated than fucking Wyoming, and we will soon see that Highland looks no different. “I began to realize that the day of the State meeting in Jowston. I saw the State, established so its members could co-exist in peace, was itself a maelstrom of discord, jealousy, and antagonism.” Jowy is every dipshit 18 year old after five weeks of a history survey course–“Durr! Politicians are, like, stupid and petty! DURRRRRR!!!”–and he and his Rune of Male Opinions are in charge of an entire country. Great. “I will establish one mighty nation in this land,” he goes on, sounding crazier by the syllable, “one with nothing to do with Highland or the State. A single powerful nation, born of force and wielding force… That’s the one and only way of freeing this land from war…” Barry is at a loss for words. Is this the bullet he dodged by getting the shield instead of the pointy sword? Is Jowy about to recommend some literature that really opened his eyes to the Deep State?