Some time passes. Barry wakes up in his bedroom, which is mercifully devoid of any Eilies trying to fill the Nanami-sized hole in his heart. (Yeah, that’s weird, but do we really think Eilie cares?) Shu no doubt has not let him linger in bed long, as the business of putting Highland in the ground is not yet complete. But Shu and this dumb fucking war can wait a little while. If Jowy thinks it can’t end until the two of them fight, it stands to reason that the stupid King of stupid Highland is not exactly going anywhere. That gives Barry some time to attend to other matters, and other people who need him. You hear that, Clive, you asshole? We’re going to Muse.

That’s right! Jowy pulling his army out of Matilda also means Muse is liberated at last. It is more than a little strange that, after a couple different visits in which it was either entirely empty or full of runic wolf monsters, Muse does not seem to be missing any of the citizens and shopkeeps who inhabited it before the war. Who exactly were the Musians who were sacrificed to the Beast Rune? Was it only those redheaded clones from the Jowston Hill conference?

Speaking of Jowston Hill, once Barry has done some shopping and finally procured a Fury Rune for Bear, that is Barry and Clive’s destination. I don’t even remember if Clive ever said they should come here, but that might be because Barry and I barely listen to Clive in the first place. Elza is waiting in front of the fateful penis pillar where Genkaku once refused to unleash his poisoned sword on his lover, and now Clive is here to ask why his gun failed to shoot its load earlier. Jowston Hill: A Place to Work out Performance Issues. The gunner is all casual about meeting Clive again, and it comes off a little forced given that she literally shot him the last time they saw each other. Barry hilariously moves behind the penis pillar’s dais as the two talk, just in case they start pointing guns around all willy-nilly again. Clive, though, wants to know, “Will you tell me why you did it?” Elza replies, bizarrely, “Did what? What are you talking about?” Like me, you may be assuming Clive is asking about the murder he’s been chasing her down for, and that Elza therefore sounds like an asshole right now, but Clive actually wants to know, “You couldn’t have….a knight-class gunner couldn’t miss their target.” Good lord. Do you have a question, champ? And if you get around to forming it, is that question really, “Bloo bloo, why didn’t you kill me?” Barry is right there, man. Right there mourning after you’ve been pressuring him for weeks to live life just a little faster and appreciate the company of his loved ones just a little less, just to catch this woman who’s done you wrong so you can ask her why she was a shitty shot? Do I have all that right?

As it turns out, I do not have all that right. God, make up your mind, Clive. When Elza, too, is like, “Really, guy?” he tries again, “No, I….I’ll only ask once more. Why did you kill my brother?” Elza dispenses with the question at my lips right away: “Brother? You grew up in the Guild together, but ‘brother’?” Thanks, Elza! Just wanted to confirm they were hitting it. “You’re a nice man, Clive,” she says, ignoring the eyebrow Barry is putting all his mental energy into arching at this statement. “Maybe if Kelley had been even half as nice to me, I wouldn’t have done what I did. I started to hate the Guild…hate all those people who lusted for power… That place could turn an angel into a devil.” How many lectures either by or about power-hungry fuckboys am I going to be subjected to in this recap? “You guys grew up in that filthy courtyard……” Elza is droning. “You got involved with those guns and those Guild rules… But I put an end to all that, with my friends Moon and Star.” I would like to know more about this filthy courtyard! What an oddly specific bit of imagery. What sort of filthy things were happening in this courtyard? Between Clive and his “brother,” yes? Listen, Barry and I need this.

“So why didn’t you kill me back then too!!!!” shouts Clive. It’s a fair question, except that once we learn the circumstances of Kelley’s death, it will make no sense. But that’s Future Sam’s problem. “Try and see if you can do it now! You witch!!!!” Elza doesn’t rise to this bait–obviously, she’s had ample opportunity to murder a third Star of Destiny for me, and isn’t going to do it. Plainly exasperated with this hot oaf of a man, she starts to walk away, but pauses next to him to murmur in his ear, “Clive, enough already. You don’t owe the Guild anything.” I mean, he probably does, mostly because he still works for them, I assume, but this does seem more personal than professional at this point. And unsurprisingly, he isn’t ready to let it go. “The Guild and my brother were the only important things I had in my life,” he tells her, pointing Storm at the back of her head. “You already took my brother away. I won’t let you destroy the only thing I have left in this world. Now is the time for me to execute your sentence.” Does he not remember that he already had that chance and blew it? And sure enough, as Elza mutters his gun’s name, it once again fails to shoot. Clive sputters at it as the firing mechanism clicks impotently at him. This place is cursed! No penis in the shadow of the Jowston Penis may realize its destructive male potential!

Elza doesn’t seem surprised that this happened a second time, either. Intriguing! “Sorry about that kid………” she says, each tap of that period key making me like her a tiny bit less. “Well the Guild isn’t everything. There’s a small village west of L’Renouille, Highland’s capital. You can find me there…..” Or he could find you right here! This quest made a lot more sense when she was just barely evading his pursuit. Will Clive actually manage to kill her on his third consecutive attempt, with nothing more than a change of scenery? (Spoiler: Yes, he will! That’s stupid.)

Clive, for once, has the grace to apologize for wasting Barry’s time, but he adds, “I came all this way……” I mean, no, you didn’t, you teleported thanks to a girl with allergies, and also poor grieving Barry came all this way too, but Clive is dealing with a malfunctioning phallus, and Barry would never tell a man in that situation that his pain is not valid.

Barry, right back in the role of comforter after a whole five minutes to feel his own loss, tries to take Clive’s mind off things with a mini vacation around the world map, grabbing Old Book volume 12 from a nostalgic grayhair in Leona’s old tavern, Old Book volume 11 from the item shop basement in Rockaxe, and some bunny rabbit torso blueprints from the Highway Village. Who wouldn’t get a lift in their spirits from all these pointless bits of paper? Barry is starting to wonder why he bothers. Nanami never even learned to read!

Speaking of things Nanami never learned to do, Barry figures it’s likely time to do some cooking with High Yo. The man hasn’t had a visit from a mobster chef in, like, days. And after Clive’s utter failure, maybe a thorough thrashing of one of High Yo’s closet skeletons is just the thing Barry needs to cheer himself up. Hopefully Fukui-san doesn’t put his foot in his mouth about Nanami.

When Barry arrives at the restaurant, it is deserted save for one man–dark haired, bearded, and in a bright red cloak–standing in the middle of the two-tops. “Hey! Someone get out here!” he bellows. One of High Yo’s servers, who is apparently named Min Min and that’s not weird at all, ESPECIALLY given who it will turn out this guy is, rushes out and asks him if he’s there to eat. “No, I know the chef here,” he says. Man, who doesn’t. “I want to see him. Tell him Retso is here.” Min Min must be new, because she totally misreads the situation and replies, “Oh? You’re a friend of [High] Yo? Please wait a minute.” High Yo doesn’t have friends, he only has exes and strangers who stick their heads in his oven. Er. That feels like an unfortunate double entendre.

Min Min scurries into the kitchen, runs back out, and impatiently yells at High Yo to move it or lose it. She is really invested in dealing with the restaurant’s one and only customer. “Huff-Huff-Huff…” High Yo says. Yeah. “What is it!? I came running all the way from the field!!” No prizes for guessing what he was up to out there. Retso answers for Min Min: “It’s been a long time, Seiryu. Oh I forgot, you call yourself ‘[High] Yo’ now.” I would love to know how he settled upon that as his pseudonym. “No more will I be known as the Dragon of the East! My new name shall be HIGH YO.” High Yo of course recognizes Retso, and also knows, OF COURSE, why Retso is here: to cross wieners swords knives. “That’s right,” Retso says. “There can be no secrets between us chefs. The only truth for us is what lies on the plate…on the table.” Is there some law that whenever two men are in a room with two tables, one or more judges, and an audience, they have to enter into a high-stakes, deeply self-serious contest for THE TRUTH and also eye-bang each other? If Barry had brought a judge along to Jowston Hill instead of Teresa, would he and Jowy be Reaching Out to the Truth together right now? Naked? And then Rockaxe would have never happened? Or would Jowy have taken that as a too-late and weird marriage ambush and run away? With all this on his mind, Barry just mutters, “He looks strong, [High] Yo,” so they can get in the damn kitchen already and he can lose himself in the mise-en-place.

The judges for this very fraught, sexy chef battle are Millie (holding Bonaparte–does that mean I need to prepare a tiny fifth plate for him?), Lloyd, Andre (nice, easy 5s), and Waylon. I guess the judges had to be boring retreads so they wouldn’t outshine the challenger: “One of the best among the Black Dragon Group, it’s Retso of Byako!!!!” Eh, at least it’s closer than “Gyokuran of Suzak.” Retso has two shining golden cleavers that he spins theatrically in his hands before taking a diving bow, practically touching his nose to the carpet. High Yo, despite his Barry-mandated cheer and special spotlights, seems plain in comparison.

Not only does High Yo have his recipe book, or the Moon Bird Recipe, or whatever the hell, back in his possession after beating Gyokuran, but he has managed to procure a few new recipes since then. His appetizer is still, of course, the island salad, mostly because there are almost no good appetizers available until the very end of the game, but also because eating plenty of leafy green vegetables is important for growing hot guys. For the entrée, he takes his new tonkatsu recipe for a spin, adding salt to very logically create “ginger pork.” Sure! And his dessert is still cheesecake, even though Georg isn’t present to cry if he gets served some other, lesser confection. I wish I had gone in some insane direction with this menu and named the meal “Bracing Tincture” in honor of Nanami, and given how this is about to go, let’s just pretend I did. Like, it’s just ice cream for every meal. She would have liked that.

Retso’s appetizer is a baffling, entirely too-large arrangement of three dishes per taster called “[Bukkake] Course.” Yes, after the ninja village, so I have NO CHOICE but to carry on that name. It’s not my fault! It turns out this is a variant of the Full Course recipe that in theory Barry can find in Muse now, but had no such luck when he and Clive checked, probably because Retso fucking bought it first. And that really sucks for High Yo, because the judges give it a goddamn perfect score. It must be really good! Or the name is just that enticing! But High Yo isn’t out of the running yet, as his salad gets a 17 out of 20.

Keeping up the full-court press of fancy-ass food High Yo has never dreamed of preparing for this castle of trash people, Retso serves a “Sashimi Combo” as his entrée. This is going to sound crazy, but it also receives a perfect score! Well, maybe it is also really good! That shouldn’t matter, because Barry has made it clear to anyone conscripted into the judges panel what their fucking job is here, but could it be so delicious that they don’t mind risking the boss’s wrath? And again, High Yo keeps himself alive with his salty, gingery pork getting another 17.

Okay, this is where things are going to turn around, right? These mob chefs have, to a man and lady, all fucked the dog on dessert. And it seems like that’s going to happen again, as Retso lifts his cloches to reveal a dessert of “Mayo Rice Omelet.” OH MY GOD, NO THANK YOU. It has a decorative line of ketchup down the omelet and everything! Jesus, how embarrassing. But wait–could it be? WHY, IT’S YET ANOTHER PERFECT FUCKING SCORE. What the hell is going on here? They know they just ate a fucking omelet, right?

So obviously, High Yo is well and truly screwed here, but that’s not enough for today, is it? In one more twist of Retso’s golden cleaver to Barry’s guts, High Yo’s cheesecake also gets a perfect score, the first time he has managed this for any dish in this competition. Of course it does! Why wouldn’t this massive failure be punctuated with a too-late display of perfection? Fail! Fail! Fail! Fucking Nanami, and Clive, and now this! That’s all Barry does, and he can’t even fail well! He has to fail with a perfect goddamn cheesecake Georg will probably love so much he’ll eat the entire thing and then have a heart attack and die mid-thrust like Mr. Pamuk! WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?!

The final score, then, is obviously 60 to 54, which is far and away the best showing High Yo has ever had in this kitchen, and all for naught. He puts his be-toqued head in his hands. Barry falls to the floor in defeat. And somehow, the winking cheer of Retso’s sous chef is the worst insult of all. What’s there to be so happy about, huh? Donald Trump is president Nanami is dead! Everything is terrible!

Retso declares High Yo “no match” for his cooking skills and finally pries the Moon Bird Recipe from the defeated man’s pork fat-slick hands. But High Yo isn’t so easily defeated! I guess because he hasn’t been taking one L after another like his sous chef. “W, wait a minute, Retso!” he cries. “You can’t give the ‘Moon Bird Recipe’ to Jinkai! Listen to what I have to say!” Retso doesn’t seem all that inclined, though, and I guess he has good reason: “Why should I? You killed my daughter Shun Min and stole the secrets of the Black Dragon Group! I don’t need to listen to you!!!” Oof. Yeah, that’d do it. High Yo insists he didn’t kill Shun Min–though I’m guessing he probably blames himself anyway–but Retso calls him a liar and walks toward the exit. But not so fast! Cocko, Waylon, and sweet new employee Min Min block his path. Cocko calls him “you old fart” and demands he hear High Yo out. “Yeah, that’s just plain rude!!” Min Min yells, steam coming out of her ears. “[High] Yo is asking from the bottom of his heart!!!” Do any of these people know whether he really did murder Shun Min? Just saying this might not be the hill to die on. Especially when there are, apparently, many hills to die on around here.

But Retso doesn’t have any other urgent cooking battle appointments, so he agrees to listen. “R, Retso……” High Yo starts out super well. “Jinkai is planning to use that recipe to carry out an evil plan!! Shun Min…Shun Min knew that and tried to stop him… She gave the recipe to me to hold onto. She gave her life to stop him… That, that’s why you mustn’t…” How many people have died for this recipe? It has a higher body count than Shu. Retso says he doesn’t think this Jinkai dude “is that type of person,” which means he almost certainly is, and likely worse, but he also no longer thinks High Yo is lying. I don’t know how he could believe both of those things at once, but I’ll take it, I suppose. “I’ll give you a chance [High] Yo,” Retso says. “Before I go back to Lord Jinkai, I’ll come back here once more. Until then, [High] Yo, try and see if you can become a better chef than me!!!!” All High Yo can say to this is, “A better chef than Retso…. That’s impossible.” Okay buddy, then hand over the fucking recipe and let’s move on with our lives, yeah? Barry is quickly becoming too busy and depressed for this.

It is, however, easy to see why Barry’s followers would take him for a man that has infinite time and patience on his hands, given what he gets up to when left to his own devices. What they don’t know is that Barry’s only goal at this moment is to do anything to avoid talking to Shu in the war room. This includes rearranging the army units, which involves both a physical reminder of Kiba and Nanami’s deaths and talking to Apple. Like I said, anything. But this only takes up a few minutes of his time, and he still is not in the mood to face his problems head-on. What to do?

Then it hits him as he wanders down the steps from the elevator: Jude! He can do Jude! …Or he could finally help Jude with that marble statue. (Not that that first idea doesn’t sound good, but he can’t afford to waste too much time, and he has a sneaking suspicion Jude might be into tantrism. Sculpting it is!) Barry’s already handed over all the schematics he’s collected, so now all he has to do is help Jude brainstorm. He has managed to procure everything but three of the four turtle plans, which I guess means that particular guardian animal is out. Which on one hand is fine, as it is not an animal renowned for phallic protuberances, but on the other hand, it is definitely the hardest of the four, which is a quality Barry would like to project to the world. Alas. All Barry knows for sure is that he wants this thing to have the head of a unicorn, for obvious reasons. And with that as his starting point, he carefully thinks on what best represents both himself and his carefully curated army, meaning that I consult a guardian deity FAQ and search the possible resulting rewards from all the unicorn-headed statues. Barry is struck by a bolt of inspiration. He knows what his Patronus will look like if he ever finds a happy enough memory to summon it.

Jude excitedly assembles the castle residents to gaze upon his masterpiece. At first, people don’t even understand why they’re there, and Jude has to explain what he even means by “Guardian Deity.” This implies that people have been wondering for some time now who this dude even is and why Barry hired him. And he still doesn’t really explain what the thing is, just that Barry found some plans and he used them. Instead, he invites everyone to take in the majesty of his work. The head of a unicorn. The body of a rabbit. The legs of a rabbit. The tail of a rabbit. A sweet, innocent creature, with a big ol’ erect wang on its head. Truly, this is Barry’s soul in marble form. For the first time since Rockaxe, he feels some inner peace.

“What kind of animal is it?” Flik asks, predictably missing the point. It’s art, man. “I’m not sure I agree with Barry’s taste…” Apple adds. If Apple agreed with it, it would cease to be taste, so that’s acceptable. A few more people murmur with polite puzzlement, with Viki saying she thinks it’s “cute,” until Luc finally blurts out, “It’s horrible…..” And if you talk shit about it one more time, skinny, it’ll come to life and bite your stupid head off right in front of your stupid tablets with two fucking names crossed off! Eat shit! Luc’s assessment would be bad enough on its own, but then Cocko and Waylon–what is with these two being in every fucking scene today?–try to spare Barry’s feelings. “He went to all that trouble…” Waylon pleads, like this is the worst piece on display at the elementary school art show and he’s about to pin Barry with a “YOU TRIED, BUDDY” ribbon. You all just don’t understand creativity! You’re not supposed to like it! SHUT UP, YOU’RE CRYING!

Barry is totally ready to flee the room before Shu can give his opinion–or worse, before Teresa can recite a fucking poem about how actually this guardian deity came to her in a dream–when the statue begins to glow. After making some weird bwong noises for a few moments, a blue dot of light emerges from the unibunny’s furry torso and floats over to Barry, revealing itself to be a Fortune Rune, which doubles experience gains for the wearer. Fucking nice. Jude, amazingly, shows no surprise at all that his statue just came to life and gave his boss a gift. And he got nothing! Suck it, Jude. “A present to young Barry from the Guardian Deity,” he declares, like this is totally normal. “Don’t worry, take it. It won’t hurt you.” Unlike everything else in the world! Shu adds, like he even knows what the fuck is going on here, “The Guardian Deity who protects HoYay Castle has honored you, Lord Barry. It is a good sign.” Barry is starting to think maybe he should have built this statue a week ago and searched the FAQ for the chimera that grants two free resurrections for army members. That one probably needed the turtle parts.

Barry pops on over to the shopping district to staple on his new rune, give Bear his new rune, and sell some random stuff from the warehouse, because he’s still not ready to deal with Shu. In fact, it’s going to take him until the next recap to face that particular music. In part 19, Barry will march his army to L’Renouille, where he’s hoping no one else will die, except maybe Cocko. Until then!