“The time for talk is over,” Jowy announces, after he’s done 90 percent of the talking. “Now we have to settle this…” He advances on them, as Nanami backs up with an “Ooooooh……” But for a fight that Jowy keeps insisting is destined to happen, it sure does keep getting interrupted a lot. Just as Jowy is getting closer to totally stabbing his friends, Wart enters stage left, accompanied by two Matilda crossbowmen. Our three main characters are looking increasingly dumb for coming up here alone. “Ha ha ha!” Wart bellows. “What good fortune to walk in and find the two of you fighting. Now I can kill you both and take this land for Matilda!” This is a surprising amount of drive for a man who has sat on his ass for the entire game up to this point. But I guess Barry and Jowy are giving him a good opportunity here. “I can take everything! Okay men, aim carefully…FIRE!!!”
Nanami, ever the boss, doesn’t hesitate. While Barry and Jowy are still staring at each other like no one else exists, she leaps between the Matildans and her boys and assumes a battle position. But I quickly–as there’s a rare timed dialogue choice box–make Barry shout, “Nanami!!!” and he leaps to defense with her. It now looks like Barry and Nanami are both defending Jowy, the man who was just about to attack them, while he just stands in the back and derps in echo, “Nanami!!!” Thanks, buddy. You’re helping! Nanami seems to be in her zone, though. To herself, she mutters, “Just like Grandpa Genkaku showed me!!! His secret technique…” Again, in less serious circumstances I’d have some comments about that. But the bolts fly across the screen too soon for me to giggle about anything Genkaku and Han might have practiced on each other in their youth, and…is the saying “Almost only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and deflecting projectiles”? Sadly, it is not. Nanami knocks away three bolts. The fourth…well.
I mean, Jowy looks like a real asshole here, right?
WARNING! WARNING! THIS IS ABOUT TO BE SUPER NOT-FUNNY FOR A WHILE!
The fourth bolt hits Nanami square in the chest, and she flies backward onto her back, as Barry and Jowy can do nothing but stare. “Ah…I…I missed…” Nanami breathes. Between the change in her avatar to “Wan, Dying Nanami” and her sudden onset of ellipses, WE SHOULD ALL BE CONCERNED. “But…I’m…okay…” You goddamn little liar. Barry is visibly trembling just as much as Nanami is on the ground, and as Wart advances on them, Jowy begins to vibrate with rage too. Thanks for joining us, ponytail. Glad it only took Nanami taking a fucking bullet for you. Wart just complains that his men “missed,” like I didn’t already hate him more than most people hate Walder Frey and Ramsay Bolton combined. (This is my Red Wedding. Leave me alone.) Wart adds that he’ll finish the job himself, but Barry and Jowy are gonna have something to say about that.
The game, right after giving me this gigantic middle finger, at least does me the favor in this battle of surrounding Wart with five Matilda Knights, so I have an excuse to use Barry and Jowy’s Best Friends Who Are Platonic Very Good Buddies Attack. I missed it terribly, and Barry’s mechanically identical Tenkai Boyfriends Attack with PUGGY!!! just isn’t the same. (Jowy now holds up his sword with a ting! and a metallic glint, as if it had to be different just as a reminder to Barry and me of how Things Have Changed. Also he has very obvious shoulder pads in his jacket, and it’s distracting.) The game also provides a special boss theme that sounds like Samoa Joe’s theme music as the soundtrack to our boys just beating the everloving shit out of this battletoad-looking piece of garbage. Wart, using a Mother Earth Rune, does his best to take out these two enemy leaders and this entire balcony with an Earthquake spell, but Barry and Jowy have multiple level 4 spell slots and zero fucks remaining. Jowy uses Hungry Friend, which feels like a typo, to pierce him with something like 30 long black swords. Barry doesn’t even need to pile on–Jowy has the offense handled, really–but he uses Forgiver Sign anyway, noting mentally that he forgives neither of the assholes in this battle with him.
Did they really have to thrust through tiny purple portals? Is this the time?
Not only does Barry gain a level from this spontaneous act of murderous revenge, but he notes that Jowy is still three levels higher than him. Has he been working out? Are those not shoulder pads? This is too much. Everything is too much.
Out of the battle, Wart flops forward with an “Ahhhh……..” and his sprite disappears in a small cloud of dust. Good, fuck him eternally. Barry and Jowy kneel down to check on Nanami, and Jowy asks, “Nanami… Are you okay…” It’s a dumb question, but he’s acting like a fucking person and not a Cold Truth of War™ brandbot for the first time in ages, which is something to cherish. And Nanami sees this too, gasping, “I’m…I’m so happy…to finally see..the gentle face..of…the old Jowy…again…” She begs, “I’m…okay…I’ll be okay… So… So don’t…fight…” Jesus. I can’t take this. I’m not even gonna say some dumb shit about dust in my eyes, I’m bawling. And even though this might be Nanami’s dying wish, for the love of God, it’s also the wrong thing to say, since bravely lying that she’s okay gives Jowy cover to get the fuck out of here. He apologizes to Nanami, at least, and adds before walking like a craven butthole out of their lives again, “Barry… Take care of Nanami…” WELL SOMEONE HAS TO, JOWSEPH.
Barry could be bitter and angry about Jowy’s behavior, and I’m sure he’ll get to it later, but right now isn’t the time. He barely spares Jowy’s backside a glance, lifts Nanami up into his arms, and takes her hand. Did I do something to deserve this? I’m just trying to have a nice time shipping hot fictional men and pointing out the ways Apple is bad at her job, and here comes this emotionally gutting scene that turns me into a fucking firehose. I’m naked out here. Nanami lies yet again that she’ll be okay, but asks, “But please… Just…once… Call me…’Big Sister’…” Barry would be the third-biggest dickhead on the planet behind Wart and Jowy if he didn’t reply, “Big Sister…” so this is basically a choice that’s not a choice situation. Who picks staying silent? I need to meet that person and kick them in the shins. Nanami replies, “Th… Thank you… I feel…better…” What would make me feel better is if she’d stop lying to me, and also if one of those burly dudes with shields that Barry literally hired for this exact purpose would have accompanied them to this balcony. HEY FLIK, COULD HAVE USED YOU, PAL.
“Hey…Barry…” Nanami gets out. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for all the times I compared Nanami to fucking Naggy for saying this exact thing but with more gusto, and laughed at her creative approach to the English language. I’m a shithead! “You…and me… And Genkaku… We’re not… Related… But… We… Really… Were… A family… Weren’t we… I’m glad… I got to be… Genkaku’s child… And I’m glad… I got to be… Your big sister… And… I’m glad… I was… Jowy’s friend… And I’m glad… We… Were all… Together…” And I’m sorry I made fun of all the fucking ellipses, too! What do you assholes want from me?! Her last words and last ellipses having run their course, Nanami’s head drops and she’s still. Barry blinks at her in disbelief for several moments before dropping his head over her, and that’s how Shu finds them three seconds later. I swear to God, it’s like he was waiting for his entrance to be less awkward. “Ooh, she’s still talking, I don’t want to interrupt.”
Do you need him to draw you a diagram?
I’m just being a jerk. Shu leaps to action as soon as he sees the situation. He barks an order for one group of Suikoclones to “Destroy the flag!!!” and for the other group to get a doctor, in that order. Look, this dying teen girl who regularly stands in the way of both his strategic and romantic goals is not going to die on his watch, but she’s not going to upend his priorities, either. We knew this.
As Nanami is dead/dying, a decreasingly rare FMV shows the white wolf banner of Highland being engulfed in flames, and three merry red City-State flags flapping in the sun above Rockaxe as soldiers cheer. It is, of course, incongruously sunny, both in weather and tone. And just as Shu hoped, out on the battlefield, the Matilda Knights see what’s happened. Hauser shouts, “Look! Rockaxe has fallen!!!” Before they can think too hard about it, Ridley adds, “Knights of Matilda!!! Shake the yoke of Highland oppression and reclaim your Knight’s honor!” Uh…yeah! Definitely do that. Richard is sweating this situation, and for good reason: Jowy drops back in on the battlefield to tell him and Julia to pull out. (How many times can I make the “But that doesn’t work!” joke? Well, at least one more, I guess.) Julia doesn’t understand what’s going on, but Jowy is not in the mood to explain himself, and just repeats that they have to bail. A blink later, the Highland Army is gone. Since I’ve got it on the brain, does Jowy also have some version of the Blinking Mirror? Since there are–barely a spoiler–going to be two Vikis running around later, it’s at least possible!
Speaking of teleportation, Huan has now joined Shu and Barry. “…She’s still breathing,” Huan says of Nanami. “We have to get her to HoYay Castle. If we can treat her quickly enough… But there are too many enemy soldiers outside…” Blinking! Mirror! Dude! But not to worry: a Suikoclone is here to announce that Highland has retreated, leaving the way clear back to headquarters. I can’t believe they’re about to hoof it home. They could not be farther away! Huan’s all, “Cool, let’s hurry!” but Shu first tells the soldier, “…Prepare a message. Send the armies of Two River and Tinto back home. We can’t leave those areas empty any longer.” I feel like that order could’ve waited! At least pedeconference or something!
Back at the castle, a crowd has assembled outside Huan’s office. Bear and Flik are posted up so tight on the door that Barry can barely even see it. “Goddamnit!!!” Flik cries. “Please… Save her…” Bear just sputters ellipses, so he might also need medical attention. Eilie, who both thinks she’s helping and clearly wants to use this as an opportunity to get into Barry’s leggings, inches closer to him and says, “It’ll be okay… She’s not going to die…” Rina’s like, “Dipshit!” and it says a lot that she, the castle’s foremost and near only Barry/Eilie shipper, gives Eilie the business for this. Maybe pump the brakes for a minute, lady. Eilie immediately backpedals, “I’m sorry, Barry… I didn’t mean…” Wait, now you mean she will die? This floor is flagstone, Eilie, and yet you are shoveling through it like a champion.
Barry is briefly freed up to talk to the other people clustered around the door. Apple says, “All we can do is wait….” like Barry was about to storm in there with a pair of forceps and rip that damn arrow out himself. No shit, Apple. Andre goes, “Ohh………” which is basically how Barry feels at the moment, too. Tsai says nothing at all, forgoing an opportunity to explain why he of all people is here. Barry wonders if Tsai and Nanami are close and he just never knew. Who are Nanami’s close friends in the Yaoi Army, anyway? Shouldn’t Nina be here, crying into Flik’s bandana and making this about herself?
I can’t believe I have to say this right now, but HE’S NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU.
A few moments later, Huan emerges and gets swarmed by everyone but Shu. Everyone just starts in on him, assuming Nanami’s okay and waiting for Huan’s confirmation, which somehow makes it worse when Huan says after an agonizing pause, “…I’m sorry… I was not strong enough…” FUCKING EXCUSE ME?! Exclamation points erupt from everyone, again, except Shu. He’s still a dime piece and all, but damn, his sangfroid is keeping this entire castle at 68 degrees right now.
“What!?” Flik shouts, practically nailing Huan to the door. “But…!!! How could you fail!!?” Why did Barry even recruit a fucking doctor if he can’t save the first person in need of medical attention for a combat wound? (Second, sure, but who cares about Clive! Not me, at the moment!) Bear, who has been WAY more chill this entire time than Flik–counter to my expectations–tries to calm down his man. “Quit it, Flik! He did all he could, don’t take your anger out on him…” This is fair, but Barry is also the only person present who got to take out his anger on the person who actually deserved it. If I could give everybody here the chance to stomp a mudhole in Wart, I would. Flik, bless his suddenly emotional heart, sobs, “I know that! I know!!! But… But… What about Barry… Damn it! Kiba… And Nanami… They’ve fought along with us!!! And even though we won… Even though we’ve come so far…” Shu is REALLY CONSPICUOUSLY SILENT about the fact that Kiba walked into that whole situation with his wily old eyes wide open, at his command. And about the fact that it was his idea to send Barry basically alone into Rockaxe. Shu has a body count.
It is possible, then, that Huan is thinking this as he asks, “Lord Shu… Can I speak with you…inside?” Perhaps Huan is looking for a heads-up about any future plans Shu has to throw more lives at his strategic problems. That pesky Hippocratic oath, right? But as the screen fades to black with Shu following Huan into his office, Barry is only dimly aware of the noise around him. If he confronts how preventable all of this was, he has to confront his number-one man being at least partly responsible for it, when he’s already dealing with his number-two man walking out on him and his dying sister, and when his number-three man is mourning just as much as he is. It’s a lot. And he is, after all, Just a Kid.