The Judge orders a recess, after which we will hear from Edgeworth’s “surprise” witness. Back in the lobby, Mia is somehow even more grim than before. “She’s practically a Grim Reaper!” Phoenix probably thinks to himself. Mia and Phoenix both concede that they have to be wrong about how the crime happened if nobody could have left Studio Two, but Mia read ahead in the script and knows the solution to this puzzle is outside the box. “Only one thing became clear in your cross-examination,” she says. “The people in the trailer could not have gone to Studio One.” Which still means precisely dick, but at least they might still have a chance, and Mia has a never-say-die attitude. She tells Phoenix and WP to get back in there and win this one “for the kids” who believe in the Steel Samurai. I’m pretty sure that was a burn on her sister.
Before calling his witness to the stand, Edgeworth voices his concern that the witness, “a grade schooler of tender years,” will be caused “unnecessary trauma” by the defense attorney. Oh my God, Edgeworth, that is gross. But despite the risk that the boy will be molested in the process, Edgeworth calls Cody Hackins to the stand. The Judge has to get him a box to stand on, which amuses me for no reason.
Everyone likes to sass Edgeworth when he asks for their name (and in this case, school grade), and Cody is no exception. But when Spectral Defense Attorney Juggs Fey asks, he answers quickly and with a grin. The Judge says to Edgeworth and Phoenix, “Please remember that you’re speaking to a child. Try to be gentle.” Your words may bruise his widdle soft spot! Barf.
Be gentle, Phoenix!
After some truly stupid banter regarding the Judge’s beard and Cody’s camera, included purely so our halfwit hero can include the latter in the Court Record (Mia tells him Cody “might” have even had it with him the day of the murder! Wow!), we move on to Cody’s testimony. Cody says he snuck in to see a Steel Samurai rehearsal, and that he went “through the woods, off the path,” to avoid Oldbag. (AUGH.) Unfortunately, daring to brave the wilderness away from the sidewalk got him lost for 30 minutes or so, and that’s how he stumbled upon the Steel Samurai, who totally thrust that spear for all it was worth into the “bad guy.” But Cody didn’t have his camera, oh noes, and missed out on the best thing he could have ever put into his stupid scrapbook.
Hee!
Pressing doesn’t reveal much of importance, but Phoenix does question this “off the path” business. Cody explains, “Yeah, you know how the studios are in a valley there? If you go off the path a little, there’s woods. That’s where I was!” But after this glimmer of hope that Phoenix has any critical thinking skills at all, the idea that someone else could have wandered off this path, rendering the Mr. Monkey obstacle moot, is never brought up again. This fucking game. Anyway, Phoenix objects to the obvious lie, that Cody did not have his camera with him. Like hell–it’s in his fucking avatar, obviously it’s welded to his body. The Judge interrupts, and Phoenix is initially concerned that he’s going to get in trouble for probing too hard at this little boy, but the Judge is okay with that, since his priest buddies do that all the time. No, he needs the concept of a digital camera explained to him, because he last used a camera when dinosaurs roamed the earth. “It’s a new sort of camera,” Phoenix offers lamely. That settled, Phoenix tells Cody he shouldn’t lie in court like certain prosecutors, cough cough, and Edgeworth is all offended and finger snapping.
Cody is allowed to amend his testimony to be more truthy, so this time he says he had the camera but was too busy jacking it watching the action to use it. When Phoenix asks for more details on the actual killing blow, Cody is evasive, using terms like “Samurai Chop” and “Samurai Slap,” which tempts me for five whole minutes into making a lame, dated “You’re gonna love my nuts” joke. I feel terrible about this. Phoenix points out that Cody, for all his rapt attention, seems to have missed out on the bad guy getting spitted on the Samurai Spear. The peanut gallery erupts into murmurs, most of which, I imagine, are along the lines of “Hee hee. Killing blow.”
‘No problem.’
To back up his claim, Phoenix presents Cody’s camera again, and alleges that Cody was so engrossed in figuring out the workings of his fancy new camera that he wasn’t watching at the second the murder occurred. Haven’t we all been there? For every self-important asshole on Tumblr who managed to get his phone out at just the right time, there are a hundred other people who rummaged in their purses for five minutes and missed the helicopter crashing onto the freeway. With that figured out, Phoenix has Cody amend his testimony again, to basically echo Phoenix’s theory. Maybe Phoenix should just testify for him.
This particular testimony is meager enough that there’s not a lot to go on, but luckily pressing every stupid statement until he stumbles upon something happens to work this time. Despite saying five seconds ago that Cody was too busy fucking around with his camera to take a picture, Phoenix now believes that Cody did take a picture, but for some reason he doesn’t want anyone to know about it. Oh, but he erased them. Convenient. Phoenix is like “Oh hell no” to that, since there’s no way Cody wouldn’t keep at least one even shitty shot of his hero for “Path to the Glory Hole.” Phoenix goes “Cody,” and even the kid has noticed at this point that Phoenix saying someone’s name like that means he’s about to ruin their shit. Phoenix points out that “Path to the Glory Hole” was described to him as the “perfect collection” of Steel Samurai victory poses, and it just couldn’t be perfect if he didn’t have a photo of this victory as well. Gradually this line of questioning has gotten to an exceptionally stupid place. Phoenix seems to realize this too, and his jaw drops as he realizes why Cody didn’t include a photo of this battle. The Judge demands to be brought in on this, so he can “be shocked with the rest of the court,” so Phoenix tells him “The Steel Samurai didn’t win.” See, Cody was so ashamed of his hero’s defeat that day at the studio that he deleted the photo of the bad guy’s victory and pretended that it went the other way. And now I’m picturing the Steel Samurai standing on an aircraft carrier in front of a giant “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner. “He couldn’t handle the truth!” Phoenix finishes, no doubt tickled that he actually had the chance to say that in court. Cody starts crying, but by now nobody feels like calling Phoenix an unfeeling monster for terrorizing an innocent child.
Edgeworth is furious that his boyfriend has pulled one over on him, by making his own witness say something that turns the case around. Phoenix is so not going to let him live this one down. It’s gonna be French maid outfits for a month after this. “If you understand what really happened, it’s actually quite simple,” Phoenix smugly announces. “At the end of the fight, the Steel Samurai fell to the ground, and lay still. In other words, the Steel Samurai was the victim, not the killer. Don’t you see? Jack Hammer was the Steel Samurai!” BUT PHOENIX! WILL POWERS IS THE STEEL SAMURAI, BECAUSE THAT’S HIS COSTUME AND STUFF! The Judge mulls this over. “You’re saying the man in this costume was the victim, Mr. Jack Hammer?” Holy crap YES, that is what he’s saying. THE PHOTO IS A LIE! FREEEEEEEDOM!
Is Hammer getting dressed or undressed here?
Since Hammer was at the run-through that morning, Phoenix goes on, he knew about WP’s injured ankle, and thus could pretend to limp like him in front of the security camera. So he drugged WP’s steak, snuck into his dressing room, stole his costume, limped his way to Studio One, and got impaled. Of course, Phoenix has no idea why anyone would do this, because it does sound pretty stupid and overly elaborate.
Cody interrupts Matlock here to tell him that he actually did save one photo on his camera. If this camera were properly seized as evidence at any point, it would make Edgeworth and/or Phoenix unbelievably dumb to have not seen said photo already, but I’m pretty sure Cody still has it, since he keeps whipping it out on the witness stand (not like that). Whatever–the point is there’s a photo showing the Steel Samurai in front of one of the studios from the point of view of Cody from behind the Forbidden Hedges. “I’m afraid it could be anyone in that costume,” the Judge says, like that wasn’t the entire point of Phoenix’s defense on the first day. Fuck me running, what about this is so hard to understand?
While Phoenix and the Judge are in agreement that the photo is less than helpful, Mia sees how it could be useful. Phoenix gets to point out the “inconsistency” in this photo, which is easy enough, given the giant “2” at the top. So our murderer/victim/samurai/whatever was at Studio Two, not Studio One. Edgeworth’s makeup goes completely out of whack at this news.
Since the Judge is not following, Phoenix breaks out the map of the studios. “The body was found here, at Studio One,” he explains. “However, what do we see in this photo taken at the time of the murder? It does NOT say ‘1’ on that gate in the photo.” And with a flourish, he points out the true scene of the crime: Studio Two. And further, it means that Sal and Vasquez’s alibis are bullshit, since the head of Mr. Monkey indicates that the culprit could only have been someone present at Studio Two. I’ve beaten the “Maybe they didn’t use the sidewalk” horse to death already, but it really is killing me.
Edgeworth, now that he’s reapplied his eyeliner, speaks up to lay bare all the shortcomings of Phoenix’s allegations, most importantly that Hammer had no motive to steal the costume. Of course, Phoenix has to take the time to prove that Hammer even did so, by presenting the sleeping pill bottle, and then allowing the Judge to have it examined for fingerprints. Yes, let’s take time out of the trial to do something that should have been done within an hour of the murder’s discovery. Why not. The Judge assigns Phoenix some “homework” in the meantime, namely to discover why Hammer would have stolen the costume only to be murdered in it. “That’s a lot of homework!” Phoenix thinks to himself, since he, like me, is twelve.
In the lobby, WP is less than thrilled to hear just how much his “confident” lawyer was winging it out there with his life on the line. Phoenix promises to find the true killer by tomorrow, and he means it, too–how else is he going to get paid?
Our heroes return to Phoenix’s office, where Phoenix is dismayed to discover that Mia has since fled the mortal plane and left her flat little sister in her place. Phoenix catches Maya up on events, including some exposition on this universe’s silly court system. Introduced “two or three years ago,” it was done to provide the courts some expedience with hearing and judging cases, by only allowing them to run for three days. Maya somehow did not know any of this, but I guess that makes sense when she’s been sitting up on a mountaintop pretending to be a psychic. The two of them decide to talk to Powers again–for Christ’s sake, again?–in case he’s thought of anything new in the past half hour.
Even WP is like “What could I possibly help you with at this point?” but Phoenix is trying to be thorough and shit. We learn from WP that Dee Vasquez is a “genius,” and has wracked up hit after hit for the studio since she came there five years prior. Sal Manella is her lap dog. And Jack Hammer just happened to stop doing anything but shitty roles as villains on kids’ shows at the same point that Vasquez joined their studio. Five years ago was a busy year, apparently.
At Global Studios, Oldbag is unusually calm, and only casually threatens to kill Maya if she eats her donuts. Phoenix goes over his suspect list with her like he did with WP, and gets more or less the same information, only Oldbag is considerably more bitter about it, and seems to think Vasquez has some dirt on somebody. Hence her ability to eat steak in front of executives and not offer them anything. On the subject of Hammer, Oldbag finally loses it again, calling Phoenix a “whippersnapper” for daring to smear Hammer’s good name with his lies in court. She’s so pissed that Phoenix can’t get anything else out of her, so it’s on to the Employee Area.
Clearly Maya doesn’t watch ‘The Pickup Artist.’
Just when Maya is wondering if they can find any other evidence by snooping around and doing the cops’ job for them, Gumshoe bursts in to tell them they can keep their hands off, well, everything. Turns out, he’s there to inspect that probably rancid-smelling T-bone plate to check for traces of sleeping pills. He does so with a “testing solution” in front of Phoenix and Maya, which does in fact show traces of sleeping pills. Phoenix gets the horrifying, three-day-old steak plate added to his Court Record, something I’m sure Gumshoe was instructed by Edgeworth not to let happen. Gumshoe even tells him, gratis, that Hammer’s prints were on the bottle. He can just forget about that promised three-way court role play session where he dresses up as the Sexy Judge.
NO TOUCHING!
Gumshoe goes on that the prosecution’s case is a mess, that he personally doesn’t believe WP is the killer anymore, and that Edgeworth is in such a state that he “crushed this paper cup with hot, hot coffee in it.” Oh no! After the fortune he spent on hand creams at the day spa! Phoenix is less impressed than Gumshoe and Maya that Edgeworth is apparently capable of crushing paper cups when he’s mad, because he knows what Edgeworth’s hands are really capable of.
Thanks to Gumshoe lacking the ability to keep his mouth shut, Phoenix now knows he’s on the right track, and now only has to determine why Hammer did what he did. With that in mind he returns to WP’s dressing room for more clues, only to find Penny “cleaning up.” Isn’t that room still part of a crime scene? And there’s a detective in the next room still examining things? Whatever. But Penny tells them that next week is the final episode of The Steel Samurai, so WP won’t be needing the room anymore. Maya acts worse than she did when she found her dead sister. According to Penny, the show is doomed because Hammer is dead, either because of bad PR or because they just can’t find anybody else to wear that Evil Magistrate costume. And not only that, but they’re not going to do kids’ programming at all anymore, since they don’t want to deal with anybody asking questions about the Steel Samurai and his murdering ways. Maya’s life is ruined.
She gets over it soon enough, though, once they’ve filled in Penny on the new details of the case re: Hammer and the costume. “The rumor must be true, then,” she says, and adds after prompting, “Ms. Vasquez, that producer, had some kind of hold on Hammer. She had some dirt on him… He’d do anything she said, apparently.” That doesn’t answer why Hammer would, for himself or anyone else, drug someone and steal their costume. But Penny goes on, “About five years ago, they were filming a movie starring Mr. Hammer. They were using Studio Two. Some sort of accident happened during filming. After that, they never used Studio Two again. They left the film set the way it was, too.” Phoenix shares my thoughts: that means the trailer that’s there was part of a film set? Wow, fancy production values here at Global Studios. Their sets use real double-wides.