We left Phoenix Wright, the world’s dumbest smart man, shortly after he once again narrowly avoided a guilty verdict for his client, rival, and sexy Pink Princess roleplay partner, Miles Edgeworth. It only cost the whole damn day, Maya’s freedom, and several years of poor Edgeworth’s life for Phoenix to accomplish the monumental task of pointing out how terrible and inconclusive Lotta Hart’s testimony was. God help Edgeworth if von Karma can find a competent witness who actually saw something.
Phoenix’s first stop after leaving the courthouse is the detention center to visit Maya, the brave heroine who spoke truth to power and saved his boyfriend’s sweet fuchsia bacon. Maya greets Phoenix cheerfully, and either she’s already heard that Edgeworth lasted the day without being found guilty, or it’s obvious because Phoenix didn’t stagger in weeping floods of tears. “Hey,” Phoenix tersely returns her enthusiastic greeting. “Why’d you do that, anyway?” Uh, you’re welcome, Phoenix? Jesus. It should be incredibly obvious why, but Maya hangs her head in shame and only says, “…I don’t know.” She balls up her fists in frustration, a gesture mostly aimed at Phoenix for still being a dick to her, and adds, “I…just knew I had to do something.” Unlike some people! “I know I’m not the lawyer my sister was… I’m sorry.” Sadly, she’s about as good of a lawyer as Phoenix is, and that’s without going to law school or possibly any school at all.
“Well,” Phoenix finally admits, “you did save the trial… Just behave from now on, okay?” If the glass weren’t there, he’d probably pat her on the head, too. Maya just goes, “O…okay,” because Phoenix has robbed her of all her self-esteem. Then Maya’s relentlessly happy theme music kicks in, undercutting this borderline emotional abuse.
Because you’re kind of a dumbass?
Phoenix asks her if she’s been questioned by the police yet. Questioned for what? She’s in contempt of court–it’s not like the police have to open an investigation to see if she was mouthy. Maya responds that she hasn’t, but that Gumshoe came to tell her, “Seeing as this is your first offense, we’ll let you go after questioning.” She’s also supposed to get bail money together, so Phoenix had better go scrounge between the office couch cushions. None of this really jives with what I know about how contempt of court actually works in practice, but I don’t really care because I’m dying to know what Gumshoe would ask her.
Loading ...Next, Phoenix gets right back on the asshole wagon and asks, “Any luck with Mia…?” One of these times, I hope Mia enters Phoenix’s body, just so he gets to know what it’s like to black out and have his body invaded by a lady who stretches out all his blouses. Plus, Edgeworth would freak out and call an exorcist. Maya, bless her flat-chested little heart, has been trying really hard, but remains unsuccessful. “I don’t know what to do…” she sighs at the floor. “I think I probably shouldn’t have stopped my training.” Remember, she’s only stopped her training to remain in the city and help Phoenix and his floundering law practice. But Phoenix, I’m sure, only thinks of how she keeps inviting herself to the movies when he was going to meet Edgeworth incognito and give him a handjob through a bottomless popcorn bucket. Phoenix blue-fonts as Maya mopes, “Hmm…she sounds like she really did do her best.” Implying, of course, that he suspected otherwise. He adds, “I should check and see if there are any waterfalls in the local area…” I want to believe this is because he cares, and not because he’s looking for the fastest possible way to get back the non-useless Fey sister.
Phoenix presents everything in the court record to Maya, just in case she has anything helpful to say. She doesn’t, really, but when they discuss the bullet that was plucked out of Robert Hammond’s body, Maya brings up the ballistic markings again. “Hey, I’m surprised you remembered that!” Phoenix blurts out, but Maya rightly reasons that she’s not likely to forget after von Karma was a condescending butthole to her about it. But she’s also curious to learn more, and asks Phoenix to show her what the marks look like. “I’m…not really sure,” he replies, to Maya’s shocked, “Oh my God, his dick is hanging out” face. One more lecture Phoenix slept through in law school!
There’s nothing new at the office–just the same old reminders of Phoenix’s sad, desperate professional and personal life. Similarly, there’s not much to find at Grossberg’s office, since he’s “on vacation” today. Even in Japan–I’m sorry, Los Angeles–who would work on Christmas Day and take off December 26? Other than Santa Claus?
Phoenix doesn’t find anyone of note to talk to at the criminal affairs department either, as Gumshoe is back at the crime scene, scouring the entire area for anything fuchsia or lacy that he can throw into the incinerator for Mr. Edgeworth. “He’s a live wire that one,” one of the other officers tells Phoenix. “Got into a fight with the chief for not following protocol…” Phoenix thinks to himself that Gumshoe must have refused to help von Karma pin the murder on Edgeworth. Apparently he only has that deep, trusting bond with the prosecutors he’s in love with, and not the ones who threaten to use a custom, penis-sized iron maiden on him.
Since Phoenix is here anyway, he checks in with the cops sitting at their desks. The guy who was probably watching a police-themed gay porno last time is now rehearsing his speech for talking a man down from the ledge of a building, using hackneyed sayings like, “You have every reason to live!” He’ll probably need to put these new skills to use on Gumshoe if Edgeworth is found guilty. The chief of detectives, meanwhile, is losing at chess to his computer. Phoenix wisely keeps his mouth shut about this instead of getting all judgmental again, since he regularly loses at checkers to Charley the houseplant.
Down at Gourd Lake, Larry is also missing from his wiener stand. “Probably off paying through the nose on a date with the lovely Kiyance…” he bitches out loud, since nobody is around to hear his obvious bitterness. I’m sure paying through the nose in Larry terms means Kiyance can upgrade “her” combo meal to a large. The combo meal being, of course, Larry’s wiener.
But Phoenix practiced that striptease for weeks!
The boat rental shop is still closed, but Phoenix finally finds Gumshoe at Lotta’s campsite in the woods. Gumshoe tries to congratulate Phoenix on staying Edgeworth’s execution for one more day, but admits his performance “wasn’t really all that.” Ouch. But Dick seems to realize how mean this is, and adds, “I just wasn’t sure how to thank you…you know?” Not that Phoenix should mind the lack of accolades–if he wins this case, Edgeworth’s free, unencumbered penis will be all the thanks he requires.
Phoenix empties out his pockets for Gumshoe to look at as well. While they’re talking about Lotta’s camera, which Gumshoe clearly wants to smash to tiny pieces as much as Jeanne does, Phoenix takes the ridiculously diplomatic position that, “Still, if it weren’t for her photograph, Mr. Edgeworth wouldn’t have made it today.” I mean, I guess that’s kind of true. But Lotta and her camera can still jump in the fucking lake. Gumshoe is also the first person to look at the enlarged version of the photo and come to the crazy conclusion that Edgeworth is the other guy in the boat, the one being shot at. The figure on the left certainly looks more handsome. But Phoenix points out, since he got a good look at him in the coat closet before the trial and didn’t find any bullet wounds, “He seemed fine in court today.” Gumshoe shouts at him, “Whose side are you on, anyway?” Phoenix thinks to himself that he just wants to “respect the evidence.” After the fucking circus he just went through with Lotta’s stupid goddamn blurry bullshit photo, you’d think respecting evidence would be the last thing on his mind.
He’s not talking about the badge!
When Phoenix presents Lotta’s deposition, which must just be a mess of White Out, Gumshoe wonders again about those two gunshots she said she heard. “But wait…” Phoenix replies, coming to a conclusion no one else spoonfed him for once in his life. “Look at the Court Record! According to this, the murder weapon was fired three times!” Both of them wonder about that third shot, which is funny, because nobody even seems to know anything about the second.
Getting down to more urgent business, Phoenix asks, “Any idea what strategy von Karma is planning for tomorrow?” Gumshoe says he’s bringing in another witness. That’s not really a strategy, but as Jeanne pointed out, von Karma’s only real strategy is to object to everything and be a dick to the judge. Phoenix panics at the idea of a second witness seeing Edgeworth humping some other man in a boat, but after a moment he flashes back to von Karma saying in court that he had two witnesses to the crime. So Phoenix already knew about this, but we already knew he has the memory of a goldfish. He asks Gumshoe who this other witness is, but Gumshoe slumps his shoulders and mumbles, “S…Sorry, pal. As much as I’d like to, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information.” This is clearly tearing Gumshoe up inside: as much as he wants to go full rogue here, he is also living in fear for Little Gumshoe.
Not that this has any bearing on the task at hand, except when it totally will, but Phoenix decides to ask about Edgeworth, “Is he afraid of earthquakes? I never heard anything about that before.” Gumshoe answers, staring moodily into the distance, “…Mr. Edgeworth doesn’t talk about himself too much, see.” And you know Gumshoe has tried everything to get his crush to open up to him. So to speak. “But there’s one thing that’s clear as day… Him hating crime the way he does… And him becoming a lawyer… And him being scared of earthquakes… It all started with that incident.” Phoenix assumes he means the DL-6 Incident, because obviously only one event in Edgeworth’s entire life could have shaped every single element of his adult personality and behavior, and it has to be the thing we’ve heard about already.
“Yep, that’s the one,” Gumshoe confirms. “Fifteen years ago…when he saw his father shot before his very eyes! He still feels the pain now, you can see it in his eyes.” Phoenix doesn’t respond, as he’d rather not admit in front of Gumshoe that this palpable pain in Edgeworth’s stormy gray eyes was something he had no clue about until yesterday. He’s reluctantly coming to understand why Edgeworth was cruising for someone else’s penis that night.
Desperate to change the subject, because Gumshoe looks like he’s about to hug him and start sobbing into his suit jacket, Phoenix asks about Maya. Gumshoe replies, “Huh? She’s not out on bail yet?” If she were, wouldn’t she be here, fucking around with Lotta’s camera and eating her s’mores supplies? “That’s strange. I told ’em to let her go as soon as they had their report written up.” And this isn’t Gumshoe just being lenient–he, unlike Phoenix, is immensely grateful to her for what she did in court. “Seeing her getting dragged out by the bailiff… I’ll be honest with you, pal. I shed a tear or two. Edgeworth, he was so moved I saw his lip trembling.” Phoenix exclaims, “Really!?” and adds in his head, “Cold-as-ice Edgeworth!?” Maya nearly made him cry, after Phoenix made him that “Together Forever” photo collage for their two-month anniversary and all he got was a deadpan “That’s nice”? This relationship is in so much trouble, you guys.
I’m sure someone wants to use this as Phoenix/Maya evidence, but only because you can’t see Phoenix vomiting off-camera.
Gumshoe tells Phoenix he’s going to head back to the station to get Maya’s paperwork cleared up. But when Phoenix asks what amount he should rob from a bank for her bail, Gumshoe responds, “Don’t worry about that. Mr. Edgeworth is posting the whole amount.” He unnecessarily points out that this is due to Edgeworth’s gratitude for Maya, and tells him not to forget to pick her up, because obviously he might do just that. That Phoenix has thus far shown no gratitude toward Maya, and that Gumshoe and Edgeworth went the extra mile to show theirs, should be a wake-up call to Phoenix that he hasn’t been a very good friend to Maya in the past couple of days and that he should–PLATONICALLY–let her know she’s appreciated. Instead, he thinks, “Maybe I can get Edgeworth to pay this month’s rent, too…” Stay classy, Phoenix!
That makes one of us.
Since Gumshoe made sure to remind him, and he doesn’t want to look like more of an oaf than he does already, Phoenix immediately returns to the detention center to collect Maya. “Hey, Nick, you finally came!” she says with a sad amount of enthusiasm. I mean, I guess it’s warranted, since Phoenix hasn’t been coming much lately. Anyway, Maya is free to go, now that she’s been interrogated and Gumshoe cut through the red tape. “Those interrogators were really mean!” she tells Phoenix. “They were like, ‘okay, what did you do THIS time?’ Like I was some kind of criminal! Can you believe it?” Phoenix responds, “Well, they let you out in the end, didn’t they?” Because he’s never huffily complained about something relatively trivial. Ever. Maya mutters, “Mmm…” back at him, which could mean anything from “You’re right,” to “Suck my balls, Nick.” But she does thank him for posting her bail. When Phoenix is forced to admit that, no, even that kindness was not his doing, Maya is shocked. “Mr. Edgeworth did that…?” she asks. “…I have to make it up to him! We’ve got to win this case, Nick!” But Edgeworth did it as repayment for what Maya…you know what? Forget it. Maybe Maya and Edgeworth will enter into an endless cycle of indebtedness, neither remembering why, and Maya will eventually suffocate under the weight of all Edgeworth’s lacy, bedazzled, jasmine-scented, fuchsia thank-you cards.