Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Part 1
"Turnabout Butz Buddy"
In this installment, we meet gay defense lawyer Phoenix Wright who is defending his gay boyfriend Larry Butz in a murder trial. Phoenix, as we learn, spent more time in law school fooling around with the other gay students than he did actually studying. Luckily for him, the same people who created the gameplay tutorial in Kingdom Hearts are there to walk him — and us — through this very complicated trial. Will Phoenix be able to get his boyfriend off? Read and find out!
Part 2
"Turnabout Fuchsia Fashions"
Our hero Phoenix Wright is introduced to a number of puzzling things in his second case as a defense attorney: the popularity of pink business suits, the murder of his boss, the introduction of her gangly (and psychic) teenage sister, his sudden and unexpected flair for interior design, and most of all, his (re)acquaintance with his rival and not-so-secret lover, Miles Edgeworth. Will Phoenix be able to save his client and make time for courtroom love? (Yes. According to us, anyway.)
Part 3
"Turnabout Spear Thrusts, Part 1"
The moral of the story is to back up your important data on a regular basis. If you don’t, something terrible might end up happening. Speaking of which, I got to write half of this recap twice! In it, Phoenix takes on a new client, Will Powers, who plays the hero in the Steel Samurai TV show. Supposedly, he murdered the guy who plays his nemesis on the show, and Phoenix must wade through ridiculous numbers of repetitive explanations, completely unbelievable contrivances, and multiple cross-examinations of an extremely annoying witness in order to find the truth. But he doesn’t actually find the truth. Instead, he finds an idiotic plot twist that very nearly ends up with men in white coats coming to take me away.
Part 4
"Turnabout Spear Thrusts, Part 2"
In the second half of the absurdly plotted and nonsensical case against one Will Powers, we meet otaku of all ages (not just Maya), discover even more idiotic plot twists, and learn that it is really important to keep off the grass. Phoenix struggles to save his client as I struggle to come up with new courtroom boudoir scenarios between him and Edgeworth. Oh, and THE PHOTO. They’re still going on about that.
Part 5
"Turnabout Daddy Issues, Part 1"
Phoenix and Edgeworth are in the middle of a lovers’ spat, which results in Edgeworth rendezvousing with another man late at night on a boat. When that man ends up dead and Miles Edgeworth is charged with his murder, Phoenix must use everything in his power (and I mean everything) to convince his estranged lover that they should start doing it again. Oh yeah, and Phoenix wants to defend him in court. That’s the basic plot overview, but there’s so much other shit going on here, such as yet another annoying female witness, a phallic lake monster, a case from Edgeworth’s tragic past, and even Larry Butz in the world’s gayest Santa suit.
Part 6
"Turnabout Daddy Issues, Part 2"
The murder trial of Miles Edgeworth opens much like the murder trial of Will Powers — a female witness uses photographic “evidence” to piss me off. Unlike previous trials, where Phoenix was helped along by his boyfriend on the opposite bench, here he must fight off a very irritating, creepy old prosecutor who never shuts the fuck up. Only one person can save Miles Edgeworth now, and as you might expect, that person is not Phoenix Wright.
Part 7
"Turnabout Daddy Issues, Part 3"
As Phoenix continues to investigate the Case of the Prosecutor Cheating on Him in a Rowboat, he is forced to prove Jesus isn’t real, spend even more time unpacking the horrible lies of his ex-boyfriend, and contend with a massively annoying new witness with rainbow pasta for brains. All of this, just so he can go back to court, be abused by von Karma, and continue to wonder if Edgeworth was out there on the lake to murder his heart.
Part 8
"Turnabout Daddy Issues, Part 4"
In the stunning conclusion to Edgeworth’s murder trial, we learn the answers to many questions. How did Phoenix, Larry, and Edgeworth meet? Why did Phoenix become an attorney? Who is the senile old man, and did he murder Robert Hammond? Who is the true culprit in the DL-6 case from many years ago? How many times can Jeanne recap a reenactment of the DL-6 case before jumping off a building? Will Phoenix and Edgeworth finally be able to do it again? The last one is obviously the most important question, possibly of all time.
Part 9
"(Getting a) Rise from the Asses, Part 1"
You know what always works out well? Re-releases of beloved stories with updated content! The folks at Capcom know this is always a great decision, and so they added a fifth case to our favorite gay lawyer sim. The result is a continuity-wrecking, convoluted, messy, tonally strange, incredibly entertaining dumpster fire of a murder case, featuring a hokey cowboy, a terrifying lunch lady, and more fuchsia than you can shake a fuchsia stick at. And that’s just the first day!
Part 10
"(Getting a) Rise from the Asses, Part 2"
In this continuation of the “bonus” fifth case, we learn that with some snappy editing, this entire investigation and trial could probably have fit into two days. What I am trying to say is filler. Lots and lots of filler. The filler in question involves the incident in the evidence room, where Bruce Niceguy was supposedly being murdered at the exact same time he was murdered in the prosecutors’ office parking garage. Everything about this — literally everything — turns out to be so incredibly stupid and poorly written that it should have been left on the cutting room floor. And yes, I am also bitter about THE VIDEO.
Part 11
"(Getting a) Rise from the Asses, Part 3"
The conclusion of the fifth case is like a Brazilian steakhouse. At first, you are delighted by all the succulent meat, but the quantity is so overwhelming that you end up full of regret and also reeking of rum. In this incredibly long finale, Phoenix and Edgeworth showcase the Power of Buttsex Teamwork and Penetrating Trust and extract THE TRUTH™ from the evil Damon Gant. Afterward they make out, while I curl up into a ball and cry.