His plot-unrelated chores complete, Barry enters the war room. Tellingly, both Teresa and Shin are present for this meeting, so I think we know where we’re going next. Barry and Sheena–sigh–present themselves to Shu, who tells them he has gotten the paperwork faxed over from Mayor Gustav. “The Tinto forces plus the remains of the Muse Army that Jess organized gives us about 7,000 men,” Apple adds. I have no way of checking her math, but I’m sure it’s wrong. Shu gives Barry some sugar for the excellent work he did. “The Yaoi Army has reached the point where it can compete with Highland on equal terms. Up until now, we’ve just been reacting to the Highland Army, but now we’re going to make our own counterstrike.” Barry is eager to thrust at Highland with all his power, repeatedly. Shu tells the group that Highland has gathered its forces in Muse, and that this provides them an opportunity, duh, to “take back Greenhill.” Teresa has prepared so much shitty poetry for the occasion!
“Greenhill is currently under the command of a new general in the Highland Army, a man named Yuber,” Apple says. “Yuber has appeared from nowhere to play a part in several major wars on this continent, and he disappears just as mysteriously. In fact, there are some that say he is not a man at all.” Yes, obviously, she means that Yuber, unless it’s just a really common name around here. And speaking of not being a man, Sheena speaks up. “What’ll you do, Barry?” she asks. “If we win here, I’ll be able to get any girl I want…all mine for the picking.” I don’t know what to scoff harder at, her thinking she’s got any shot with the ladies around here, or this “we” business. Sheena also begs for a “vice-general” title so she can look more powerful when Eilie, Apple, and every other woman in the castle turn her down. Barry announces that they will go to Greenhill and ignores everything Sheena just said.
If ‘glory’ is his code word for Hump’s penis, then sure.
Shu is pleased as punch, and delegates the battle preparations. “Lord Barry,” he adds, “please get some rest before the battle. I heard that you collapsed in Tinto. Remember your health must always come first.” I thought Shu always had to come first! I just high-fived myself. Barry leaves the room, to get rested up for Shu’s midnight booty call.
‘Turn away and slaaaaaaaaaam the doooooooooor’
Of course, on the way to bed, he simply must check in on poor High Yo. The chef is in the middle of a conversation with his staff, one of whom tells him, “[High] Yo, get a hold of yourself. You’ve got to make a new menu or this restaurant will…..” It will what? It’s not like he’s going to go out of business. He’s not even really in business–he’s running a military mess hall. The other girl tells him they’re counting on him, I guess because they know Barry will replace them with Camus and Miklotov, in French maid outfits, if he is displeased with the restaurant’s direction. But High Yo is inconsolable after driving three men to off themselves on his prep table, and wants to give up the business. Barry stands there, all “Oh, no you are fucking not,” but he is spared the trouble of giving his employee a pep talk when someone else shows up to do it for him. That’s refreshing!
From the kitchen, someone laughs à la Gantetsu, “Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! You give up too easily, [High] Yo!! You need more training!!” The mystery jerk is none other than Chef Antonio, yet another old friend of High Yo. Dude gets around. High Yo insists that he doesn’t think the Moon Bird Recipe is worth all this, and I would have to agree, since people have fucking died, but Antonio responds by punching High Yo in the face. No, really. “What do you mean, [High] Yo!!!” Antonio yells. “You risked your life to steal the ‘Moon Bird Recipe’!! And what about Shun Min? Think about her!!!! Think about why she went to the trouble to get you that recipe!!!” So High Yo risked his life to get it, but Shun Min was the one who actually acquired it for him? Sure. A Shun Min name-drop is just the thing High Yo needs to stop feeling sorry for himself, and Antonio further suggests that having a friendly cookoff, one that probably won’t end in suicide, will get him out of this funk.
Our judges for this contest, per Fukui-san: Long Cock Chan, who has convinced Fukui-san of the tao of eating without paying; Oulan again; Simone, who is a vegetarian out of a “sense of justice,” whatever; and “mountain man” Gijimu, who is “used to hunting for his food.” Barry is kind of turned on by this. Cutting to the chase, because like hell am I changing my tried-and-true menu at this point: Antonio’s appetizer is the truly vomit-inducing “Mayo Rice Omelet,” his main course is a much better-looking bowl of ramen, and coming full vomit-inducing circle, his dessert is a “creamy gratin.” Just…no. Antonio obviously shares recipes with Yu Kum. So even though there are two vegetarians on the judges’ panel and he served ribs, High Yo’s cuisine reigns supreme once more.
After the battle, Antonio asks if High Yo still intends to give up cooking and then be hung as a deserter by the Yaoi Army. “Antonio,” High Yo answers, “that was the most fun cook-off I’ve ever had!!! I was wrong!!! No matter how hard it gets, I’ll defend the ‘Moon Bird Recipe’!” So he needed to have fun to realize that he would stick with it when it’s not fun? Again, sure. Antonio expresses his pride via more exclamation marks, but High Yo has another visitor who is less than thrilled with this. It’s Gyokuran, still wearing her sassy pink-and-blue ensemble. “I can’t believe it!” she cries. “I was sure that I could beat you!!! I didn’t expect you’d regain your old skills so quickly!” I’m not sure how he would lose these skills, unless he’s been working as a paralegal, or at an Olive Garden, since leaving the Black Dragon Group. Whatever you say, lady. High Yo, in the name of two of the three suicide victims, vows to take her down personally. She accepts his challenge, but adds, “But I’m not quite prepared today, so I’ll see you next time. Until then, you had best study your cookbooks carefully.” As we will see later, this is no mere idle threat. Once she’s sauntered out, Antonio hands over his ramen recipe, and a black screen cuts in before they can start making out. This game is no fun sometimes.
Barry will pass, thanks.
Drained from his exhausting full-time job in High Yo’s kitchen, Barry finally heads for bed. Sheena thankfully pulls out of his butt at this point and takes her leave, adding, “Well, I’m gonna go take a walk. Maybe I’ll stop in on Eilie’s place or Leona’s place, or maybe Nan… Ummm.” Well, Barry won’t be sleeping ever again, thanks, Sheena. And does Nanami even have her own place? Doesn’t she just sleep in the other bed in here, only to be kicked out and made to sleep in the hallway every night around 2 a.m.?
Following a Black Screen of Barry’s Dark Thoughts about Nanami’s Sex Life, it’s nighttime and Barry’s wide awake. For obvious reasons. In the stairwell between the first and second floors, Barry finds Cocko staring out a window. Hopefully not at a full moon, because he is aggressively uninterested in Cocko in that way. Or any way. Cocko asks Barry if he’s too paralyzed with despair and panic to sleep, and then goes on, “Hey, Barry. You’re incredible.” Whoa. There must be a full moon tonight. He continues, while Barry fumbles for his pepper spray, “At first I worried that a small fry like you couldn’t protect us.” Please–the only guy in the whole fucking army who’s scrawnier than Barry is Cocko. I ain’t hearing this. “But you’ve become a great leader, Barry. We know that fighting alongside you means protecting our city. I know it’s not easy, Barry, but please, we’re all counting on you.” If he was too worried to sleep, how is that going to help anything? Jesus, Cocko, use your fucking head.
Nanami, no!
From the fresh hell that was that Cocko scene, Barry emerges into the entrance hall on the first floor, where he spots the Gypsy Trio having a powwow. There I go, mixing vaguely offensive ethnic terminology. Eilie is trying to tell Rina about her post-war life plans, but Rina cuts her off before she can outline everything she learned on WebMD about hysterical pregnancies. “I know, I know,” Rina says, oblivious. “You want to go back to our life of travelling. Gypsies like us can’t stay in one spot for long, eh.” Eilie turns her back to her siblings, deciding to not let them in on how Barry will be hers forever once she “miscarries” their quintuplets, and just says, “Yeah, that’s right……” I’m sure. But Andre has great news for his sisters, fresh out of his delusional imagination: “Barry could become a gypsy and travel with us too. We’ll do the knife-throwing act. We’ll all be happy together!” Everyone but Barry, anyway. Steam comes out of Eilie’s ears as she hears her brother describe her exact fantasy, once she’s sprung the imaginary baby trap. Barry watches this entire exchange and wonders if he should have flown the coop back in Tinto like Nanami wanted.
This has been a horrible evening sojourn so far. What could make it worse? Barry walks down into the storeroom area to find–oh, perfect!–Gengen addressing Gabocha and a regiment of kobolds. Is Barry going to run into anyone he actually likes tonight? “Everybody stay close to Gengen!!!” Gengen shouts. “If you get in trouble, Gengen will protect you!!!” Barry is fine with all the kobolds running toward Gengen and not coming to him, or bothering Ridley, so he lets this pass. Gabocha and the kobold Suikoclones yell affirmations at Captain Gengen that involve a lot of caps and exclamation points, and then they are dismissed to beg for cut-up hot dogs from Leona.
Barry can’t even get out of this room without spying on more members of his army. Directly south of Gengen and the kobolds, he spots Tsai of the Happily Divorced Spear and Tomo of the Seeking Therapy Spear. “Daddy, when are you going to go back to mother?” Tomo is asking. Tomo seems mature enough to understand that this is a futile exercise, so I’m choosing to believe she is just trying to annoy her dad as much as possible, possibly on her mother’s orders. Tsai equally futilely attempts to put her off, saying they’ll discuss it after the war is over. When she’s like, “But you could die, and then who am I going to bug about this?” Tsai decides to be blunt with her. “Listen, honey, all I ever did was make your mother sad,” he says. “Don’t pretend it’s not true.” Mrs. Tsai’s subsequent string of partners are all nodding along. If they never again hear about Tsai of the Three-Pump Spear, it’ll be too soon. Anyway, Tsai tells his daughter that, should he die in battle, she should tell her mom that she couldn’t find him. I’d say that is a big, horrible lie to put on her, but Tomo is the one who conscripted herself into the Yaoi Army, and around here people make the tough choices, kid. Tomo goes, “Daddy…………. That’s…that’s not fair…..” and runs off to sob into her Justin Bieber body pillow.
In need of something hard and powerful to take his mind off all the obnoxious people who live in his house, Barry walks into Leona’s tavern. Well, he was looking for Bear, but he’s not here, so tequila will have to do. Leona looks into his sad doe eyes and says, “Ho ho, wait a minute. I’ll make you something good. No booze for you though.” Woman, I don’t care what the law is, if Lord Barry wants to do shots, LORD BARRY IS DOING SHOTS. Leona returns from a black screen with her “famous” hot lemon tea, to help him sleep. Jesus, at least it isn’t warm milk and his binkie. Barry can simply thank her for the drink or admit, “I….I’m so worried……” He decides to open up to her, since that might get the shots rolling around here. After a string of ellipses that I will take as her thoughtfully sipping tea, Leona replies, “Barry, you’ve been so strong up to this point….everybody knows how hard it’s been for you.” Everybody had better know. “That’s why you mustn’t give up, Barry. But if you’re still sad, tell me your troubles.” I would say Leona is being a very nice friend to our Barry, but then she goes on, “I’ll comfort you just a little. I understand how it is. I’ll make you feel better…” Abort! Abort!
Barry runs away from Leona, and her suddenly suspect tea, so quickly that he isn’t looking where he’s going. He finds himself in Hilda’s inn, spying on yet another intimate moment, this time between Waylon and Yoshino. Okay, so not that intimate. “My lord, is there going to be a big battle tomorrow?” Yoshino asks, no doubt breathily, bosoms heaving. Poor Yoshino. Waylon obviously doesn’t realize why she’s asking, so he starts talking about their chances in the battle and how they’re totally going to win because Lord Barry is amazing! Hearing Waylon be this complimentary toward him when he thinks he’s alone is unnerving. Yoshino agrees, replying, “When I first saw him, he looked just like a little boy, but look at the great leader he’s become.” Waylon cries, “Yes!!!” in ecstasy at their shared opinion of Barry. Poor, poor Yoshino. She steps closer to him and murmurs, “My lord, I hope that we have a strong healthy son who is just like you.” Do you? Do you really? Waylon panics as she advances on him, in the mood to make a baby that will turn out to be a daughter. Barry is entirely too terrified to open that door, no matter how uncomfortable it would make Waylon.