If you’ve been keeping count of Barry’s recruitment progress in all the recaps–and please get a hobby if you have been, Jesus–you’ll note that he has collected 106 of the other 107 Stars of Highland-Fucking Destiny. And he has been told in his sleep by Alpha Troll Leknaat that Jowy will surely come crawling back to him if he can find that elusive 107th person. Of course, I had to engineer things to make sure his final recruit would be, let’s say, thematically appropriate. Barry adds his meilleur(e) ami(e) Simone to his party and returns to the river overlook in Radat.
The final prospective member of the Yaoi Army is standing exactly where Simone was before, and is just fabulously attired. Vincent de Boule, Simone’s other meilleur(e) ami(e), and one last fucked-up Suikoden name-drop from yours truly, has an unfortunate blond page boy haircut, but a delectable crimson half-cape over a forest green doublet and trousers, all tied together with a matching crimson bow around his waist. He looks fresh off the stage of Radat’s Shakespeare in the Park. When Simone spills out of Barry’s rectal cavity, Vincent squeals, “! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Oh Simone!!!!! I was looking for you, Simone!!!” Jesus Christ. He is clearly still coming down from the high of performing the extended-cut scene where Hamlet and Horatio make out and the king’s ghost masturbates in the corner. (I would boot Karen and The Burnt Village Slow Jam Experience off the castle stage in a hot second to see this play.)
Anyway! Simone and Vincent do a little crotch-wiggling dance together, and it’s adorable. “Oh, Vincent my friend!!!” Simone cries, hand theatrically waving in the air. “It makes my heart soar like an eagle to see your face again. I’m overflowing with joy.” And something else! But Simone’s joie de vivre is short-lived, and s/he spills the whole story about losing Vincent’s precious “Rose Broach.” Simone stares at the ground and says, “Even though Lord Barry found it for me, I feel as though I betrayed our friendship…..” Goddamn, honey, he probably got it out of a Cracker Jack box. And Vincent insists, “Simone, the ‘Rose Broach’ is just a trinket, but our friendship is what is truly precious, non?” Telling you. Cracker Jack box. The two of them are overcome with orgasmic waves of emotion, and dance in place some more, holding hands. They are seriously the best.
This game is so committed to translation errors that they’re even in French!
Simone makes with the introductions between Vincent and Barry, and says in code, “Vincent, I’m helping out the Yaoi Army now. Of course, you could also…..” Yes, please, do “help out.” Vincent is all for it, and tells Barry, “We walk on the path of honor.” I have no idea either. The two of them skip off to HoYay Castle, while Flik stares after them, uttering a string of ellipses. Yeah, exactly. They are too awesome for words.
That cape is a delight.
Holy shit! Barry has actually recruited everyone! Well, minus a bunch of squirrels in rainbow capes, but we’ll worry about that later, after Simone and Vincent have had time to knit them each a wardrobe full of tiny cute outfits. For now, Barry returns to the castle and consults Luc’s stone tablets about four times to make sure nobody up and died on him. Max is still alive and kicking, and nobody’s had a mid-coitus heart attack, so we’re good to go!
But before returning to Apple for her perfect, foolproof plan, Barry checks in on High Yo’s kitchen one more time. For once he doesn’t walk in on an impending culinary battle, but as he enters from the door on the left, a mysterious Suikoclone scampers out the door on the right, catching High Yo’s attention just enough to confuse him. “Huh? Huh? Huh?” he asks Barry, channeling Nanami. He’s so discombobulated that he won’t even accept the pizza and curry recipes Barry went out of his way to find for him. Barry leaves in a huff.
But I can’t just leave an obviously looming kitchen slap fight pending, so Barry kills some time by playing the rope climbing game and sitting on top of Yoshino’s washing machine. When he enters the kitchen again, he is unsurprised to find High Yo facing Gyokuran. (The Suikoclone who broke in earlier looks to be her sous chef, in electric blue.) The two of them banter back and forth, Gyokuran surprised that one of the “4 Great Lords” of the Black Dragon Group has become such a lame goody-goody, and High Yo surprised that she, one of the “4 Great Lords” herself, doesn’t know what the Moon Bird Recipe is and how it will leave the entire world in smoking ruins and give all our babies ass cancer. Look, if High Yo isn’t going to explain the thing to me, I’m going to make stuff up. But, says Gyokuran, she knows exactly what it is. “And Lord Jinkai perhaps knows as well.” Not Lord Jinkai! Wait, who the fuck is Lord Jinkai? How many famous chefs has High Yo slept with, anyway?
The Cook-Off, this fall on FOX, after The Happening.
Gyokuran is done with his stalling and melodramatically insists that the battle is “all we have left,” so Barry tells him to get to it. But not so fast! Remember how I’ve been complaining that the cooking battles have gotten too repetitive for my sophisticated recapper sensibilities? Well, High Yo’s chef runs in from the kitchen, sweating bullets. “[High] Yo!!!! Terrible news!!!!” she screams so loud the Highland Army can hear. “The recipe!!!! It’s been stolen!!!” Now, you might think she means the Moon Bird Recipe, but I’m pretty sure this is just yet another typo, and she means High Yo’s collection of recipes has been stolen, because this is in fact what has happened. Gyokuran chuckles, sure she’s got him dead to rights. “The Grand Wazoo of the Black Dragon Group has arrived!!!” she cries. “Face me in the kitchen!!!” Why do the BDG higher-ups all sound like Ku Klux Klan leaders? And why didn’t Gyokuran just steal the damn Moon Bird Recipe? These people.
Fukui-san introduces the judges: Gordon again (still zzzzzzz), Sasuke, fucking Apple, and Kiba. Of Kiba, he says, “They say that after a battle, he likes to fill his belly with delicious meat.” Well! General Kiba, Barry had no idea. Like father, like son! Fukui-san introduces Gyokuran as “Gyokuran of Suzak!!!!!” I’m guessing that’s Suzaku, champ, but whatever. Everyone takes their places and begins cooking.
But oh no! As I already explained, High Yo is missing most of his recipes. It seems more or less random what he is left with, but I am left scrambling for something different to make than the usual salad/meat/cake combo. Now that I’ve gotten what I wanted, I’ve decided it is total bullshit. Give me back my cake recipe! I mean, if High Yo were a real chef he wouldn’t need to follow recipes anyway, but maybe he’s a giant fraud and that’s why he ran away from the BDG in the first place. Barry settles on a menu of–siiiiigh–tomato juice, soy sauce ramen, and pudding. Is High Yo suddenly working for a nursing home?
Thankfully, it seems like Gyokuran is not that great a cook. Her spinach sauté appetizer falls just as flat as High Yo’s V8, but unlike him, she had a choice in what to make. Dumbass. Her tonkatsu and baked mochi fare a bit better but are no match for High Yo’s offerings. And that’s considering how Kiba likes to stuff himself with meat! I figured he’d be all over that tonkatsu. High Yo ends up winning by his largest margin in a while. Gyokuran laments that Lord Jinkai’s creatively named “Dragon Plan” has fallen apart. Again, you could just try stealing the recipe. Jesus. Confusing me further, Gyokuran is also stunned because High Yo won when he didn’t have “the recipe,” which does make it sound like the Moon Bird Recipe. I don’t know anymore. If she did in fact steal the Moon Bird Recipe, why not just leave? Anyway. High Yo puts on his After School Special toque and tells her, “You’re wrong, Gyokuran! Cooking is about more than just technique!” Barry nods fervently behind him–technique is important but what matters is dick size heart and soul. And dick size. “At first,” High Yo says, “I came here just so I could hide from you. But after I started cooking for these nice people, I realized something. I realized I could help these brave folk by serving them good food…that I could ease their burdens just a little bit. Cooking isn’t about technique! It’s about caring and giving! That’s why I don’t need a recipe to be a great chef!!!” Caring is sharing! This is almost certainly going to end on Barry, High Yo, and Gyokuran laughing into a freeze frame and rolling credits.
Well, Gyokuran at least thinks that sounds like bullshit, and she turns to go. It doesn’t even need explaining at this point, but High Yo is dumb and naïve, so she says, “Now that I’ve lost, I can no longer go back to the group. I’ll wander these lands alone and examine my defeat. Perhaps I will once again discover the joy of cooking that I felt when I was young.” You don’t need to discover it! You can buy it on Amazon! Gyokuran returns High Yo’s recipes, or the Moon Bird Recipe, I give the fuck up on that, and also hands him her recipe for tonkatsu, asking him to think of her when he makes it. He sure will, and then he’ll go back to plowing Antonio in the meat locker.
Barry has several suggestions.
Okay, now it’s finally time to talk to Apple. But who can blame me for putting that off? Apple asks Barry if he’s made up his mind, and Barry consents to the attack on Muse. Apple turns to Shu, like they didn’t have hours to talk about this while Barry was gone, and Shu goes, “………………..Yes….. I think it’s worth a try.” That is so Shu code for “If I don’t let her fuck up once in a while, she will never learn and grow.” Shu dispatches Barry to command, with Hauser, Apple, and Klaus backing him up, while he and Kiba stay in the castle and share a tense silence, neither one blurting out what they think Barry and Klaus have been getting up to in Barbara’s warehouse at night.
Shu addresses Apple directly, barely even looking at Barry. What bug crawled up his ass? “Apple,” he says. “Every lie contains truth, and every truth contains a lie…. Remember that.” If Barry did not specifically know better, he’d think Shu was trying to get into her vagina with the old “zen koan panty drop” trick. He is going to bitch about Shu for every miserable mile of this trip.
‘And also speaking of settling, you and Shu are getting married, right?’
With that, the army leaves for Muse, with Bear and Flik watching as they file out of the castle. The two of them muse–sorry–about The Cold Truth of War™, because they are old men and just want the war to end! I wonder if they’re chowing down on Cialis like Kiba and Ridley. “What kind of an answer is this country going to get from them?” Flik wonders nonsensically. Seriously, I have no idea what that even means. Anyway, Flik mostly wants peace so he can run far away, where Nina can never find him again. Spoiler alert: he will not succeed.
A black screen later, Barry is standing with Nanami, Klaus, Apple, Teresa, and Shin in the New Leaf Academy dormitory, apparently their temporary headquarters for this attack. “Originally Greenhill had almost no military force,” Teresa tells them. “Instead of fighting, we used hidden places like this.” It’s a fucking dormitory, not an underground nuclear facility. Good lord, woman. Apple tells Barry the battle preparations aren’t done yet, but while Apple sees this as an opportunity for Barry to rest in his room, without Klaus to distract him, Nanami decides they should walk around Greenhill and enjoy it more than they did last time. So he, Nanami, and PUGGY!!!, who has miraculously not been removed from my party since my last trip to Gregminster, leave the dormitory for some, in Nanami’s view, long overdue sightseeing. I feel like I’ve seen plenty of Greenhill, personally.
But of fucking course, these poor kids can’t just be kids for five seconds. As soon as they emerge from the dorm, Nanami spots Lucia’s blonde condom hair fleeing into the academy. “Barry, let’s go after her!” she says. “That’s the one! The one that attacked Barry!!!” Never change, Nanami. You are my shining star. For what feels like the thousandth time, Barry pursues a suspicious person through the secret passage of the academy and out into the forests of Greenhill.