Mairie is completely unconvinced by Pico’s attempts to placate her, though it’s notable that he never actually says he’s into her; rather, he just keeps insisting that he’s not into Annallee. Barry is encouraged. When Pico says, “Look, I’m telling you, Annallee is like a sister to me…” Mairie snaps, having watched too much Game of Thrones, “You’re sick! Sick! Sick!! You love her like a ‘sister,’ huh?!” Nice. Barry chooses this moment to ask from behind them, knowing it will get Pico to look at him with those gorgeous eyes, “Um, did you say ‘Annallee?'” Just as planned, Pico whips around and forgets Mairie even exists. When Barry confirms that Annallee is fine, Pico goes, “I see, thank the gods! She’s okay! I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about her being alone.” I mean, if he’s been saying shit like that, I can understand why Mairie is upset, because wow. Not that she has a shot with him anyway. And Barry will be sure to help Pico sleep soundly from now on. Pico unceremoniously dumps Mairie, telling her she is strong enough to live without the penis he’s not giving her anyway, and gets the directions from Barry to HoYay Castle. Mairie, of course, now hates both of them forever, so hopefully she’s not a True Rune bearer who can parley a grudge into a rebel army. Assuming she isn’t, Barry pats her on the shoulder as he follows Pico out the door.

‘She’s, um, trapped in a dungeon, and…the only key is in my butt!’

Since he’s here anyway, Barry does some shopping in Greenhill, picking up a new recipe and window set, neither of which he’ll ever use, before heading to the academy. Jeanne’s replacement rune professor hands him a Rage Rune, a pretty decent reward for saving their city, and a boy in the blacksmith classroom gives him the silver hammer, a portent of even more wasted money at Tessai’s. Wonderful. But Barry really came to see the teacher in the blacksmithing classroom, who weirdly enough is not a blacksmith, but a sculptor. Don’t look at me. Greenhill apparently has a surplus of handsome dudes, because the teacher, a cheerful man named Jude in a gray bandanna and teal peasant blouse, is almost as knee-weakening as Pico. Jude is about to tell Barry about the great idea for a sculpture he had, but he’s out of clay, and I guess he’s too hands-on a teacher to show Barry this idea without it. But Barry will happily go get him some clay, and within seconds he and Jude are starring in the scene from Ghost in his imagination.

For whatever reason, the only place in all of creation Barry can find clay is in Forest Village. Whatever, it’s a small price to pay for rubbing thighs with Jude on a tiny stool. Barry heads all the way to the back of the village, near where he encountered the fake Elza, and finds a silver-haired man who tells him, “Wha? You want some of my clay? Well, there’s plenty of it over at my secret spot…” I don’t know why, but I cannot stop typing “clap” instead of “clay,” so maybe my subconscious is trying to tell Barry something about this “secret spot.” But Barry is brave, and a Black Screen of Sucking Something out of This Hose later, he has plenty of “clay” for Jude. It’s kind of watery and pale, though. No matter!

Back at the academy, Jude thanks Barry for the clay, but in a tempered way that suggests he is creeped out by Barry seizing on one casual remark about clay and making a special trip just for him. “Wow, that’s really thoughtful. Thanks,” he says, possibly concerned that Barry is going to propose, or ask for some fingernail clippings. Barry instead asks Jude to join up, and maybe I’ve just lost objectivity on Barry’s mission, because that is absolutely as creepy a request as the fingernail clippings. “Here’s some clay–join my band of revolutionaries!” I don’t know. And even if he were a blacksmith, and therefore of some obvious use to an army, Barry just recruited a blacksmith. He’s not PUGGY!!!–he doesn’t need a baker’s dozen of the motherfuckers. But Jude is a hot man with a neck destined for hickeys, so why am I complaining?

‘I’m so excited to uproot my entire life for someone I met five minutes ago!’

Once Jude is stationed at HoYay Castle, it becomes apparent that he is the intended recipient of all those plans for turtle tails and dragon dongs, as he is going to be sculpting a chimera-like monstrosity to be the castle’s, in his words, “Guardian Deity.” Naturally it should have penises sprouting from every angle. Jude has also picked out a spot for this tour de force of marble penises, judging by the hunk of marble positioned directly above Luc and the stone tablets.

With Jude hard at work on making that unicorn pecker dangle just so above Luc’s head, Barry heads next for Tinto. Inside the armorer’s shop, he spots a bespectacled redhead with a goofy ponytail, working as the armorer’s assistant. This man, named Alberto, has for years been my mental image of Bill Weasley, thanks to my vivid, not-at-all-derivative imagination. But Alberto is not into the idea of becoming a werewolf and nailing a blonde succubus, because he’s pining for his lost bandmates, Annallee and Pico. Notably Pico. Like that. As with Pico, Barry mentioning offhand that he knows the mute lead singer of The Burnt Village Slow Jam Experience is enough to get Alberto onboard. He tells Barry gratefully, “So those two were safe. Thanks. What a coincidence that we met.” Coincidence my white ass, Bill. With that, he makes his way to HoYay Castle to finally get the band back together. Barry needs to look into whether Pico has his own dressing room backstage at the castle.

Before his next recruitment drive stop, Barry hands the silver hammer over to Tessai, along with most of his potch. Again. With a very sharp pair of tonfa–they’re like two chef’s knives, but made of wood!–he commissions the Manhandler for a trip across the lake to Coronet Town. Now that the fake peace talks are over, the Highland Army is back to blocking the entrance to the town from the docks, but Barry walks right in front of them to the opposite dock, where a silver-haired swordsman is staring moodily at the water. No, Sephiroth didn’t make the jump to yet another non-FFVII game–this man is named Genshu, and he does not come with his own overwrought theme music. Though he does have some bare chest on display under his kimono. Barry is on a good run of hot men today! Genshu doesn’t seem all that enthusiastic about joining the Yaoi Army at first, because, in his words, “I live by the way of the sword…I know no other path.” That doesn’t sound like a problem! But he’s only saying this because he wants to see Barry’s “weapon,” snerk, snicker, tee hee hee. Barry offers it up, and Genshu, taken aback by its ridiculous proportions, goes, “Well, pardon me……….” I picture him bodily stepping out of the way of its girth. “Hmm…..” Genshu goes on, “it is a sharp weapon. I see you are serious about war.” No, just about spending money. He also says Barry’s strength has been forged “through hard battle,” making me titter like a middle schooler some more. Viewing the physical manifestation of Barry’s sexual and economic prowess–and martial prowess, I GUESS–is enough for Genshu to join the team.

Every person Barry has added to the ranks of the Yaoi Army in this recap has been at least passably attractive, or has at least come with free anal beads, but is Barry satisfied with the castle’s beefcake level? Fuck and no. Knowing where he can get even more prime cut loins, he travels through Banner Pass and returns to Bukkake Hamlet, home of Hanzo and his assortment of hot ninjas. Oh, and Kasumi. Like the first time he came here, as soon as he enters the village, Alpha Cute Ninja Sasuke shouts, “A SPY!!!” and takes Barry captive, which Barry not only does not mind, but was looking forward to all the way here. And once again, Hanzo refuses to believe that Barry “accidentally” found this perfectly hidden ghost village. But this time, Hanzo doesn’t automatically dismiss Barry as a silly child, and asks what he wants. Why, to make out with Sasuke, of course! Or for the ninjas’ help against Highland. Whatever.

C’mon, ‘legendary’?

Hanzo looks Barry up and down before admitting that Bukkake’s “outside informants” have told him all about the Yaoi Army leader. Guessing he means Kasumi, who hid under PUGGY!!!’s dining room table during the Tenkai Star orgy. Hanzo orders Mondo and Sasuke to accompany Barry, and though he’s only getting two ninjas, and not a company of Bukkake Suikoclones to add to his army, Barry still feels better about this arrangement than what he got out of that dick Lepant. Mondo and Sasuke use their Foot Clan trickery to disappear from the room, after Mondo promises they’ll head for HoYay Castle straight away. Finally, Hanzo joins the ranks of people who have to tell Barry how great he is. “Lord Barry,” he says, “Highland is strong. But I sense the power of a heart that will not give up within you.” It’s the heart that believes! The Rune of Beginning is LIGHT!

Barry is sure to check out the rest of Bukkake as well, and finds that the residents are so happy to see anybody with an uncovered face and no desire to hang upside-down from a ceiling that they shower this handsome outsider with gifts and praise. Barry walks away with a Blinking Rune, a piglet to make more hot spareribs out of, another sound set, and a warm glow from every resident telling him only a gifted genius with a 12-inch penis could find this hidden enclave.

Acquiring those attractive ninjas felt awfully easy, so naturally Barry must follow that up with an absurd amount of labor for his next recruits. First, Barry and friends traverse the entire goddamn Cave of the Wind and find a man in black plate armor and a horned helmet standing where the Star Dragon Sword once rested. This man, named Pesmerga, looks nearly identical to Yuber, and is in fact standing in this cave ranting to himself about looking for his brother/lover. God only knows why he thinks Yuber would be in this pit, but maybe this is their special spot for secret Lannister-style twincest. “Yuber, you bastard……” he mutters. “But he must be close…..” He is not, in fact! Dude, you’re bad at this.

Pesmerga either reads the silent hero implicit dialogue cards or intuits with psychic powers that he is standing before the leader of the Yaoi Army. Barry can either straight-up ask him to join or go, “Did you say Yuber?” Clearly there is a right answer here. Prompted to gush about his man, Pesmerga replies, “Hmmmm……. A devil, a shadow, my arch-nemesis…… Something like that…. I can’t describe him exactly.” Let me try: they complete each other! They square each other’s circles! They make each other whole! Buttsex, is what I’m getting at. Barry understands this man’s deep longing for the foe-yay, and asks him to continue his search from a tangled mess of bedsheets on the fifth floor of HoYay Castle. “Hmm, let me think….” he responds. “My true goal is to find Yuber….. But while I’m searching, I think I can help you. Okay, I’ll do it.” NICE. Finally, this fucking army is living up to its name.

Unfortunately, his next recruit is not up to Barry’s current stud standards, but he is a good pickup nonetheless. Barry gets Viki to warp him to Tinto and walks from there alllll the way to the middle of the Tinto mines, to the location of maple bacon bar enthusiast Mazus. Mazus is still acting like he’s down here on purpose, and he’s still trying to substitute a beard for a jawline. But now that Barry has an arbitrary number of people back at this castle Mazus has never been to, things are different. “Hmm… The Yaoi Army…” he muses. “I hear that my arch rival, Crowley, is out in the world. Maybe the time has come.” Look at me, fucking up the Suikoden name drops left and right! Not that anybody gives a shit about Crowley. Finally, Mazus bellows, scaring Barry half to death, “OK, Barry. The great sorcerer Mazus will be your ally!!!!! You should be thankful!!!” Thankful he never has to come to these fucking mines again, maybe. Mazus teleports out of there, straight to High Yo’s kitchen, no doubt, leaving Barry standing there staring at the goddamn wall. What an asshole.