The city streets are strangely deserted when Barry exits New Leaf Academy. Other than the Highland soldiers that still feel like throwing their bodies in his path, the only people Barry encounters are a City-State Suikoclone who allows him to save, and one of Nina’s ex-classmates who heals the party. In the extended-cut version of the game, she heals Flik by lightly touching his shoulder before Nina rips her head off, Mortal Kombat-style.

Beyond the confines of the school, the music switches gears from “Idyllic, overpriced institution of learning” to “Gird your loins for a boss battle.” When they approach the other side of the city gates, Teresa says, “Lord Barry, please take care,” and presumably disappears back into his asshole to eat popcorn with Shin. On cue, Yuber’s sprite appears before Barry, forming out of black mist. Wait! Teresa has a poem for this!

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And saved Greenhill from a horned demon,
Which from black smoke did condense.

“You are Barry…” Yuber says, thanks to the stripes on his pauldrons that mark a Caption of Obvious. “Bearer of a True Rune… An accursed child…” Yeah, that all feels super true to Barry right now. Oh, Yuber is still talking, and it seems like important stuff. “Ruler of hatred… Master of nightmares… My servant… I call you forth from your dark realm to wreak havoc and destroy this boy!” Oh, no need, Yuber. Barry has already been destroyed emotionally. Unless Barry is summoning Jowy in his wedding finery, he’s not that scared of what’s coming.

New job posting at HoYay Castle: fashioning artisanal dildos out of this boss’s remains.

And what’s coming is…a dragon? Yawn. Wait…it’s a dragon made of BONES! Now we’re cooking with gas. The Boner Dragon is still easier to reckon with than Jowy’s betrayal and matrimony, but it’s a difficult boss all the same. Upside: it’s weak to holy magic, which Barry has in the form of a Resurrection Rune. Downside: it’s immune to lightning, which makes Flik practically useless. But at least he can heal, and save Nina from her romantic fainting spells. The Boner Dragon can also call down a meteor shower, like the one that killed its fellow dinosaurs, doing 300-plus damage to the entire party; or it can breathe blue fire from the lungs it doesn’t have, doing 200-plus to everyone. Well, shit. But despite my shitty planning, the party is sufficiently badass to get through it. Barry collects 100,000 potch from the money clip in the Boner Dragon’s ribcage. Once upon a time that felt like a lot of money.

Kiba and Ridley need to clue Yuber in on Cialis.

Yuber peaces out after telling Barry he will not find it easy to “extinguish the flames of war.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure he stopped having an interest in that after Jowy went Tywin Lannister on his ass. Just as he teleports away, Kiba and Klaus emerge through the city gate Barry never bothered to open, so maybe they figured that out on their own? Weirder still, Shin, who has been at HoYay Castle since the fall of Greenhill, says, “Lady Teresa, you’ve finally come back to us…” I guess he’s speaking for the people of Greenhill, the voice of the masses who can’t express themselves. Except that now they’re all shouting things like, “Hey, look!! Lady Teresa kept her promise, just like I said she would!!” and, even more sadly, “Lady Teresa is back!! Greenhill is back to normal!!” So shut up, Shin.

I wait, dismissive wanking motions at the ready, for Teresa to deliver a grandly milquetoast speech about her love for Greenhill blossoming like a lily in the spring rain, but Teresa hasn’t even opened her mouth when Big Gay Fitcher runs up the path, looking panicky. “Lord Barry, a message from Shu,” he pants. “He requests you return to HoYay Castle as soon as possible.” Trust me, Barry was already counting the minutes until his exeunt from this dippy town. Kiba deduces that this is important enough for both of them to leave right away, so he leaves a unit to protect Greenhill, hops into Barry’s convoy, and the two of them teleport home without Teresa uttering a single tedious syllable. Santa! You got me just what I wanted!

Barry and Kiba return directly to the war room, where the castle music quickly dies away. That usually means bad news. And probably bad news involving Matilda, because Miklotov and Camus are here, and they’re not naked. Klaus, who somehow got here ahead of Barry and his dad, rips the bandaid off: “Lord Barry, bad news! The Matilda Knights have surrendered to Highland.” Oh no, not those guys with whom Barry burned his bridges ages ago! Apple confirms Kiba’s fears: the Greenhill forces were a distraction, and Highland took two-thirds of its army to Matilda. Again, it’s not like there would have been Yaoi Army forces in Matilda otherwise, but I guess Barry might have been moved to help them out if he’d known. Further, Bear confirms that Jowy, Richard, and Julia were all at the Greenhill-Muse checkpoint, cementing Barry’s feeling that he picked the right battlefield to march on. But the generals were a decoy, and the force that took Matilda was led directly by Leon Silverberg. I love the idea that generals could be a decoy. Like it would be impossible to notice that the army was smaller by degrees of magnitude than it should have been, because of the blinding glory of King Jowy Atreides Blight and his polyamory circle. And Apple wasn’t there, so that means somebody else is bad at math. Looking at Bear here.

“Officially the Knights will stay independent in return for helping Highland,” Klaus says, “but in effect they’ve become puppets of Highland.” Kind of sounds like they’re puppets on paper too. Whatever. Miklotov is, of course, outraged and spewing exclamation points like spittle, while Camus is silent and calm. Barry considers dressing up as Wart later tonight for some high-stakes roleplay, but he doesn’t know if he can make himself realistically ugly enough.

Hee hee.

Shu, too, remains silent, but Apple has a plan. Naturally, though, she trips over herself before she can even begin to explain it. “Barry, Jowy,” she says, “let’s attack Muse immediately.” Oh girl. That is some pretty epic foot in mouth. Barry glares at her silently, but she plows forward, oblivious. “Most of the Highland Army is still in Matilda and even if they make it back, they’ll be tired from the march.” This is probably a stupid idea, both because it’s coming from Apple and because she’s being awfully presumptuous about being able to catch Highland with its pants down. (Barry smiles briefly at this visual, then comes to his senses.) She also seems to be forgetting how close to each other Matilda and Muse are, but again, this game is playing it pretty fast and loose with geography lately. Barry tells her he needs time to think about it, gaining a brief window to do some recruiting.

‘That sounds perfect. Be sure to BCC everyone else in the castle. – Barry’

We begin in Kuskus. Barry has been giving his patronage to the apprentice blacksmith in this town ever since he fled from Muse, and had long since assumed that the “master” the boy always referred to was a figment of his imagination, a mental crutch that helped him justify his lack of growth in his profession. And now he feels like a dick, because the apprentice’s master has returned from wherever the fuck it is he’s been all this time. The master blacksmith is a man named Tessai, and he’s got way too much beard for Barry’s tastes, but he’s otherwise handsome and if there’s one thing Barry hates more than a scratchy beard, it’s having to travel here constantly to upgrade his goddamn weapons. But Tessai is not all that interested in working for Barry. As if Barry’s not even there, he muses, “Isn’t there a sword out there somewhere that would inspire me? A sword that would make me say ‘Boy I’d like to sharpen that!’ Something like the Star Dragon Sword or the Dragon King Sword…” A little on the nose, writers. I probably would have figured this out without having it spelled out for me. Barry sighs and teleports back to the castle to pick up Bear.

*unzips pants*

Let’s try this again. With Bear in the party, Barry speaks to Tessai once more. Tessai repeats himself, but as soon as he’s done talking, he starts when he realizes he is in the company of one of the legendary swords he just name-dropped. He rushes over to Bear’s sprite and stares directly at his ass. “Y, you!….that sword!!!!” he blurts out. Bear, startled, turns to face Tessai, interrupting the old man’s rapturous gaze at his pelvic region. Tessai asks if the sword he’s looking at is indeed the SDS, and the SDS is all, “Sup, human.” Being acknowledged by his new god gives Tessai further courage, and he steps closer, making poor Bear back away. “Lord Star Dragon Sword,” Tessai begs, “please allow me to sharpen you. It would bring joy back to my work. I beg of you.” Now, slow down, Romeo. You’ve barely exchanged pleasantries and already you want to progress to something as intimate as sharpening? At least get to know each other first over coffee, or some light crossguard polishing.

Flik is mortified that Bear is bringing up their favorite sex game.

SDS waffles over whether to indulge the blacksmith’s adoration or to get a restraining order, but Bear has some concrete opinions. “Cut it out old man,” he tells Tessai. “It’s just a junky old sword. What are you doing, fawning all over it like that.” Someone is jealous! Negging his sword like that in front of everybody. So petty, Bear. SDS predictably flips out, while Barry watches them and wonders if he should make a giant public scene and scream at Jowy in an item shop. “What did you say, [Bear]!!!” SDS screams. “You dare to call me a junky, old sword!!!” That comma implies that “old” is the one that really got SDS’s hackles up. WRINKLES HAPPEN, BEAR! I’M NOT SOME MAGAZINE MODEL!!! They squabble at each other until SDS has had enough and flies out of Bear’s belt loop, floating over them all and radiating embarrassed fury and also magical sword-rune power. Tessai begs his all-powerful master to not blow up his workshop, while his apprentice stands by the forge as if nothing is happening. The SDS calms down–though not without more lovers’ quarreling between it and Bear–and Tessai asks if he may join the Yaoi Army. You know, to sharpen weapons, and certainly not to perch in a tree outside Bear’s window and watch him take the SDS out of its scabbard. Barry is fine with it, obviously, and Tessai replies, “Thank you very much. I will repay you, I promise.” But if you think that repayment comes in the form of free or discounted smithing, well, fuck you very much.

After a trip home to make use of Tessai’s new smithy–that was fast!–and spend all his money yet again, Barry next warps to Greenhill. You will remember that, when Barry met Annallee, she mentioned her bandmates Pico and Alberto. You may also recall that a young lady named Mairie, in the Greenhill inn, was sobbing about some cad named Pico. I’m sure they’re two different guys, though! It’s such a common name. But shockingly, when Barry enters the inn, he finds Mairie again, in the middle of telling off a dark-haired man in a white blouse, black slacks, and a red sash belt. Hot. “So who’s this ‘Annallee,’ huh?!” she screams at him. Pico protests that she’s got it wrong, but admits that Annallee is “very important” to him. Uh huh. Beyond his dashing pirate paramour outfit, Pico’s face also turns out to be devastatingly handsome. Barry isn’t thrilled that his introduction to his newest boyfriend is in the form of him trying to win over a woman, but he’s willing to deal with it if it means getting this man pinned in the stream of his peeing boy.