But Nanami has the most salient point, which she screams at Jowy: “I thought you joined Highland so you could stop [Adolf Hitler]… Stop this stupid war!!! I thought that was why you left us!!!” Barry says nothing but silently pumps his fist in support of his sister. Jowy lamely answers, “It’s true, Nanami……. But the world is a lot more complicated than I thought….did you know that the King of Highland has an entire room full of ermine stoles and cloaks? What was I supposed to do? Leave the royal ball cradler homeless? He has a family, Nanami!” I may have gotten carried away. Turning to Barry, Jowy pleads, “Barry….please. Right here, right now…surrender to Highland. If you don’t…….” Oh, what? You’ll bring Adolf Hitler back from the dead? You’ll continue to jump all over Barry’s heart with steel-toed boots? You’ll marry another lady? Fuck off, homeboy.
Okay, this is where shit gets weird. As Nanami flails in anger and despair, a team of Highland crossbowmen ratchet their bolts into place behind our heroes, like this is the fucking Red Wedding–a fantasy Barry has lived out in his pettiest dreams, starring himself as Walder Frey. But Teresa says, “I guess I can’t live up to your high opinion of me. Now….. If you refuse, those bows will all sing in unison.” This line was clearly meant for Jowy, not only for the obvious reasons, but because nobody in the room has a high opinion of Teresa. Back to Jowy himself, who apologizes for putting his friends into this position. I don’t believe for one second that Jowy would actually execute them, no matter what Leon fucking Silverberg wants him to do, but the crossbows are loaded and everything. And he insists that their positions make them “enemies” now. Well, that and the constant betrayal. That doesn’t help. Nonetheless, Barry decides if not giving Jowy the fucking satisfaction here means death by crossbow bolt in the spine, so be it.
Jowy is so unwavering in his desire to kill his ex, and totally not chickenshit at all, that Barry has to refuse to surrender three separate times, with Jowy letting more and more desperation seep into his toothless ultimatum, until he’s finally pleading, “I can’t ask for understanding, but I don’t want to lose you.” And just like that, Barry’s heart thumps with longing once more. Why does he have to say that with those puppydog eyes! But he stays strong and doesn’t give in. At this point, Leon can see how these two are looking at each other and realizes the young king he groomed is never going to give the order to fire upon his lover. Also, it’s worth noting here that the crossbowmen are facing both Barry’s group and Jowy and Leon, and would stand a damn good chance of hitting their king and chief strategist if they fired right now. Planning! Anyway, Leon gets tired of waiting for Jowy to grow a pair, so he gets ready to give the order himself.
Of course, just like the war was not going to end here, Barry is not going to die to a random fucking crossbow bolt. Bear bursts into the chamber, shouting at Leon, “You think it will really go like that?” Well, I didn’t, but I feel you, dude. Bear rams aside the Highland soldiers, and oddly, Lassie trails after him. She takes all of one second to hop excitedly and run straight to Jowy, who had probably forgotten about her entirely until this moment. In this brief instant of the archers’ disorganization, Jowy’s distraction, and Leon’s confusion, Bear orders his people to run the fuck out of there. Leon gets his shit together long enough to order the archers to shoot them, but Jowy cries, “W, wait!!! Don’t shoot!!!!!!!!” Oh fuck, I think the entire Blight royal family must be infected with Adolf’s disease. Is it from all the inbreeding? But Jowy can’t bear the idea of shooting Barry and Nanami to death in front of Lassie. Oh, my ass. Because you were totally going to go through with it before! Nobody is buying this shit, Jowy.
Leon lectures Jowy about prolonging the war by not making the hard choice, a lecture Jowy has probably heard nine thousand times by now because he responds, “I know………….” But then, Lassie shuts them both up by forming words for the first time since Prince Adolf went on a murder spree in front of her. “…………Jo, Jowy,” she murmurs. “Jo…Jowy… Uncle…. Uncle Jowy…. Finally…. Finally….you’re back…. I was….. I was so…lonely…. I was so lonely without you….” The scene fades as Leon rolls his eyes until he gives himself an aneurysm.
Back to Barry, who is still being ushered through the hallway by Bear. He halfheartedly suggests they go back for Lassie, but Bear goes, “No way!!!!! I won’t obey that order!!!!!!” I mean, she’ll be fine–better!–with Jowy anyway, and also fuck that stupid kid. So Bear has my full support as he grabs the sprites of Barry and Nanami and bodily drags them outside.
Bear won’t even let him enjoy his favorite piece of architecture. Tragedy!
Fast-forwarding through some depressingly easy battles against sextets of Highland soldiers, Barry finds himself back at the front gates of the city. There he predictably meets up with Cocko, who on Shu’s orders stole the key to the gates so they wouldn’t be locked in when this whole trap sprung. The guards are all keen to pin Cocko to the ground and do some serious damage–ugh–but when Bear asks them if they’re as eager to fight the leader of the Yaoi Army, they scream and run in the opposite direction. Wow, they really left their best and boldest in charge of this important strategic point. Well done, Leon.
Once they’re safely outside the gates, Nanami has time to ask, “[Bear], what are you doing here? And [Lassie] too???” Bear replies, having the grace to sound a little sorry about this, “Well ya see…… Shu knew that this was going to happen to them. He told me he didn’t want you to have any ill-feeling left.” Now, I can buy that Shu saw the trap coming, because DUUUUUUHHHH, and sent Cocko with that in mind, and even that he would send Bear as a secret backup to get them out of there. But Shu has never met Jowy and has barely even taken notice of Lassie, like she literally is a dog. I mean, how did he know he was deploying this secret FEELINGSBOMB that would disarm Jowy? Did he grill Apple about this? And if he really wanted a distraction, shouldn’t he have sent in Camus in a Hot Cops stripper outfit? That’s what I would have done.
Flik always knows just what to say to make Barry feel better.
Nanami is not remotely happy or satisfied with Bear’s explanation, but they still have Highlanders on their tail and don’t have much time for talking. But a black screen later, when they’re back in the castle, Nanami spots Shu and lets him have it. When she asks why he had Lassie brought along, he tells her in full-on Don’t Give a Fuck mode, “Because it was necessary.” Damn baby, that is cold. “You used that child like a tool!!” Nanami screams at him. “I won’t ever, ever forgive you!!!” He’s goes, “I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” and says to Barry, as Nanami storms off in a fury, that he will continue using all the disposable babies he wants to keep his man safe. Now I think I know what’s going on here. Shu didn’t have a fucking clue about Jowy and Lassie–all he knew was that Barry and Jowy adopted this weird mute child and he was fucking sick of being New Daddy. So he let Barry walk into this trap, to see Jowy betray him one last time and remove any remaining affection, and then he had Bear toss Lassie like a child support grenade into Jowy’s arms, buying them time to get the fuck out of there. Let Barry’s shitty ex take care of her for a while! Shu was sick of her walking in on their midnight “strategy sessions.”
This is beyond Barry’s wildest dreams.
This would be a good opportunity for Barry to take a break to go to his bedroom and cry, have sex with Klaus, or have sex with Klaus while crying, but our hero is just too busy of a boy today. First stop at headquarters is a second visit to the restaurant, because surely High Yo is going to need his ace sous chef for a battle, as it’s been like half a day. And, to my immense relief, when Barry does find yet another enemy chef face to face with High Yo, the man has more to say than “I’m vaguely evil, allez cuisine,” because that shit was getting repetitive. It turns out this chef, a man clad in lime green named Bashok, actually knows High Yo. High Yo seems happy to see him and mentions that it’s been a long time, and that his old buddy seems depressed. Bashok replies in what I imagine is the kind of comically self-serious tone reserved for Yu-Gi-Oh! characters, “[High] Yo………I want to have a cook-off with you…” GASP! That’s only what every other chef who’s visited here has wanted! But why?! High Yo is reluctant since this guy is his long-lost boyfriend or something–maybe Jowy is his sous chef and he and Barry can exchange smoldering glares across the kitchen!–but Bashok steels himself and shouts this time, “[High] Yo!!!!! I challenge you to a cook-off!!!! I want the recipe you stole…the Moon Bird Recipe!!!!” The thing he stole is a fucking recipe? Does High Yo hold the secret formula to Coca Cola?
NOOOOOOOOOO
Seriously, the Moon Bird Recipe? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, and I recapped Xenosaga.
And with that we are whisked into another episode of Iron Chef HoYay, a minigame I am struggling to keep interesting. The judges are tiny rancher Yuzu, creepy animal “lover” Badeaux, Nanami, and twink mapmaker Templeton. (Shit…Twinkleton! Why didn’t I think of that years ago?!) Fukui-san introduces Nanami thusly: “There must have been some rough meals for Barry growing up. Let’s hear it for Nanami!!!” Hee. Nanami, obviously, responds, as she does, “Huh? What!!!! What do you mean!!!!” That’s right! How dare he assume that domestic duties would be Nanami’s responsibility, when the French maid costume fit Barry way better.
High Yo’s menu is identical to the one he used against Chef Ryuki. If this were an actual episode of Iron Chef, he would be getting absolutely pummeled for his lack of creativity. But it’s not, and fuck those snooty judges anyway. I’m making them ribs. Onward to the judging. Bashok made pasta as an appetizer, the uncultured clod, and is judged accordingly. But he made some very nice, pixelated-looking fried rice as an entrée, and even though he seems bound and determined to stuff as much starch in the judges’ gullets as possible, he gets a 3.5 average score for it. Uh oh! Worse, Badeaux and Yuzu are not keen on the ribs, since they’re the entirety of the HoYay PETA chapter or something. God, get out of Barry’s kitchen with that shit. High Yo is sweating this one out–God forbid he have to give back something so obviously important it was named the Moon Bird Recipe–until Bashok finally remembers to serve a protein and unveils his dessert, tonkatsu. Oh, that’s just embarrassing. Yuzu and Nanami hold up their “1” scorecards, clearly like “What the fuck is this?”
Bashok stole Gremio’s special stew recipe!
If High Yo can’t win a cook-off in which his opponent served tonkatsu for dessert, Barry is burning this whole castle to the fucking ground, so it’s a good thing High Yo wins. Bashok and his sous chef shake their heads upon their loss, and I’m waiting for him to have a talking head where he blames shoddy equipment or complains that Nanami’s palette is too unsophisticated to appreciate his flavor profiles. Klaus or Big Gay Fitcher would have been all about that pork dessert.
After the battle, High Yo wants to know why his former lover would betray him like this, while Barry nods fervently. “I…I’m sorry…[High] Yo…” Bashok sobs. “My daughter…Mei Mi….she’s terribly, terribly ill. I need money for the doctors… It’s way more money than I could ever earn in my life… That’s why….I had to….” The Black Dragon Group, of course, offered to pay for his daughter’s medical expenses if he got them the Moon Bird Recipe. What the hell is in this recipe that they want it back this bad? Does it reveal that they use store-bought onion soup mix in their meat loaf? Why, they’d be ruined!
A voice from the entryway rudely interrupts: “Ha ha ha, what a fool you are. You believe that old sob story?” The voice is attached to a woman in a fetching pink tank blouse and blue trousers. High Yo immediately identifies her as “Gyokuran”–I’m sorry, “Gyokuran!!!!”–and Bashok recognizes her as a member of the BDG. She, for her part, name drops High Yo again for our benefit as “one of the 4 Lords of the Black Dragon Group.” HE WAS?!?!?! She also wastes no time in telling Bashok that his failure means the BDG is perfectly content to let little Mei Mi drop dead of the cancer in her plot glands. Bashok goes, “Y, you swine!” but Gyokuran ignores him entirely. “See you again, [High] Yo!” she openly foreshadows. “Today was just a greeting. But next time you’re mine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!” Oh no, it’s the culinary Adolf Hitler! Shut this restaurant down, it’s contaminated!
Later, High Yo and Bashok are alone–bamp chicka bow bow–and Bashok apologizes for what he did, even if it was for his dying plot device. High Yo’s just concerned for the young lady’s welfare, but Bashok insists, “Don’t worry, [High] Yo. I’ll figure something out. Mei Mi wouldn’t be happy if I used dirty money to help her.” And with that not at all reassuring hand-wave, Bashok hands High Yo his fried rice recipe, plants a long, lingering kiss on his lips, and walks out. Now, spoiler alert, Mei Mi will be fine and we’ll see her a little later on, but High Yo doesn’t know that, and at no point does he suggest that Bashok, I don’t know, bring her to Dr. Huan, who would absolutely treat her free of charge. Maybe, like Shu, he’s bummed out that his man has saddled himself with a kid, but how much ass would he get if he fixed this problem? All the ass.