Yet another goddamn “HOLD IT!” echoes through the room, and it’s Lana again. “How could you!?” she screams at Phoenix, undoubtedly to Gant’s titillation. “You…you monster!!!” The judge tries to get her to quiet down, but she ignores him and puts Phoenix on blast for giving her false hope. “You knew whose fingerprints those were all along, yet you…you acted like she really didn’t…” This is kind of what she deserves for giving Phoenix any kind of professional benefit of the doubt, but he tells her, “Ms. Skye. It’s not over yet…” She goes, “What!?” like he’s a crazy person, and he repeats, almost Gant-style, “I said this trial isn’t over yet.” How I wish he were wrong. Seriously, throw Lana and Ema into prison, I don’t even care anymore.
Gant, naturally, is of the opinion that the trial is over. “Not only this trial…” he sneers at Phoenix, “but your career too!” Phoenix is silent, so Gant unnecessarily explains, “You purposely concealed this conclusive evidence. That, my friend, is a serious offense.” Phoenix has nothing to offer Gant but non-cathartic ellipses, so he just keeps talking. “I’m looking forward to pressing charges after the defendant is convicted. I’ll have your badge, boy!” More ellipses. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?” Gant asks. That is actually one of his therapy techniques. He makes his patients literally lick pussy until they break down and say they enjoy it. “Aren’t you going to tell us how it feels? How it feels to be the one who single-handedly turned a poor little girl into a murderer?” Come now. Let’s not act like Edgeworth and Lana didn’t also have a hand in this.
After one more annoying pause, Phoenix decides to speak up. “Before I do that…” he says, “there’s just one little thing I have to clear up.” Gant sarcastically asks him what that is, and he responds, “Who really killed Prosecutor Neil Marshall.” Oh shit. It was Edgeworth, wasn’t it? Phoenix goes on, to Gant’s incredulity, “Chief Gant, you are absolutely right. This piece of cloth proves who the real murderer is. Who killed Neil Marshall, you ask?” The judge is all, “It was your little Scooby Doo sidekick, wasn’t it?” But Phoenix has a different answer. “I’m afraid that’s not possible. You see, this piece of cloth contains a critical contradiction!” Which is totally why, at the birth of Phoenix’s plan, he fretted about this evidence making Ema look guilty. Because he knew about the inherent contradiction the whole time! Edgeworth is rolling his eyes so hard right now.
Gant and the judge, a united front again, demand to know what this contradiction is. Phoenix blue-fonts melodramatically, “Chief Gant, your tyrannical reign ends here!” And to illustrate the contradiction, he presents Lana’s photo of the crime scene. And speaking of plans that were in play all along, I’m sure Lana totally knew from the outset that her photo would be deployed this way, and not used to prove her sister guilty of murder. Everyone’s actions make so much sense!
Phoenix points out to the judge where the scrap was cut from the vest. “Yes…his shirt is showing underneath,” the judge says, with a note of distaste. Undershirts showing! Gant has made it clear to him how that kind of slutty comportment leads to society’s moral decay. He adds, “It’s hard to make out with all the blood on his vest, though.” Which is precisely Phoenix’s point: “His chest is soaked with blood. That’s only natural.” It means he was becoming a woman at last! “His lungs were no doubt punctured. Blood poured out of his mouth,” Phoenix goes on. Here, the judge is allowed to realize the truth: “Oh! But that piece of cloth… Wait… There’s no blood on it!” Gant shrieks, “AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” at this error, but Phoenix has no time for his theatrics. “Since Ema Skye’s fingerprints are on this cloth,” he reasons, “there’s no doubt that she shoved the prosecutor aside! However! Mr. Marshall was not impaled on the sword!” Hee. He was impaled on a different kind of sword, though.
‘That would be laughably overstating Joe Darke’s length.’
“He most likely hit his head on the ground and was knocked out,” Edgeworth speculates, tag-teaming with Phoenix again. This game has a really cavalier attitude about how easy it is to be knocked unconscious. Three people in that room all went unconscious, for three completely separate reasons! “If so,” Phoenix says, picking up his boyfriend’s thread and running with it, “then tell me. Who could it have been? Who could have arrived at the scene before Ms. Skye, picked up the unconscious prosecutor, and impaled him on the armor’s sword?” Why, it must have been…DICK GUMSHOE! I will stop. I promise.
This is an incredible accusation, not just because Phoenix is finally letting the thrill of finding contradictions with his lover carry him to new heights of deduction, but because that is an insane thing to do. Gant picked up an unconscious, adult man, dragged his dead weight to the suit of armor, and impaled him on the sword like a memo on a spike? But upright? Without Marshall ever coming to or struggling? That is both metal as fuck and totally impossible. The perfect crime for Damon Gant. His reaction to this? “Hnnngngghgghh…” He’s got a hairball after an emergency cat-got-your-tongue session.
“Then,” Edgeworth continues, the grinding yin to Phoenix’s thrusting yang, “to make it look like Ema was responsible for the prosecutor’s death, said person proceeded to write her name on the jar with the victim’s blood. Then he broke the jar on purpose, to leave behind a clue, and make Lana believe her sister did it!” Well, that was spectacularly unnecessary, since Lana came to this conclusion without ever seeing the name on THE JAR. Gant is still shaking his fist, like he also just realized what a giant waste of time that was. Phoenix finishes, “Remember what you admitted only moments ago? That you personally cut out this bloodless piece of the victim’s vest? Ironic, isn’t it? Through the very act of creating ‘insurance,’ you proved that you were the actual murderer!” It’s worth noting that, in this scenario, Gant took the time to hunt for the scissors in his desk and cut off the handprint before he killed Marshall, which means not only could someone have walked in at any time, but Marshall, or Ema, or Darke, could have woken up at any time. THE PERFECT CRIME.
Gant turns into Thor again and screams, “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” That is 47 Os–one for every gray hair this recap has given me. Phoenix thinks, “It’s finished,” just to fuck with me, because it so fucking isn’t.
Obviously, Gant shouts out, “OBJECTION!” He has lost his swagger entirely–he’s sweating profusely, his hair is now limp and flaccid, and he’s got a tic going in his right eye. But he has not given up. “Heh… Heh heh heh!” he giggles, though he doesn’t look amused at all. “That was close, Wrighto! You almost had me!” Phoenix goes, “!” even though, as we’ll see, this was all supposedly part of his grand plan. Gant refutes Phoenix’s allegations, not because they’re not true, but because, “You see, that piece of cloth…is illegal evidence!” Gant explains that because Phoenix refused to present the scrap of leather earlier in the trial, it became illegal to present it at any point, a premise I do not remotely accept, but let’s go with it for now, since Phoenix’s way out of it will be dumber still. The long and short of this, past Gant gloating and Ema whining about it being unfair, is that the judge thinks Gant is on firm legal footing here. But he asks for Edgeworth’s opinion, and his response makes me wonder if Phoenix let him in on his trap after all: “True… Illegal evidence cannot be used to convict a person…” Edgeworth says, “assuming, of course, that the evidence is indeed illegal.” Phoenix takes Edgeworth’s cue, blue-fonting, “It seems…at last… The time for me to reveal my plan has finally arrived.” He also said this in the men’s room, since it was written on his ass. Edgeworth approved it enthusiastically.
The judge asks Phoenix, “Mr. Wright. Do you admit to it? That you purposefully and illegally concealed this piece of cloth?” I don’t even know why this is being left up to me, but I have Phoenix reply, “I did not.” He elaborates, “Certainly, I refused to present evidence at one point.” But he cuts off Gant’s celebration with an “OBJECTION!” and clarifies, “It’s not that I ‘didn’t’ present evidence then…it’s that I ‘couldn’t.'” Edgeworth is very turned on right now, so much so that he’ll ignore Phoenix’s idiotic scare quotes. Phoenix goes on, “There are certain procedures involved when presenting evidence!” Procedures Phoenix is educated on and meticulous in carrying out! Just kidding, here’s some shit from his pockets. Gant begs the judge to ignore Phoenix, but as Edgeworth reminds everyone, the only thing that matters here is whether the scrap is illegal evidence, and asks Phoenix to prove it isn’t. It’s like this is a beach volleyball court, and shirtless Edgeworth just set it up for shirtless Phoenix to spike it. And then they high-five and chest bump and make out.
‘We’ve come so far in your therapy!’
To prove he doesn’t need to be slapped in the face with the boobs of the inquiry committee, Phoenix presents The Big Book of Contrived Evidence Law. Apparently Lana’s brilliant plan was two-fold: she made sure he had a photo of the original crime scene and a copy of a legal procedures book, neither of which she could have possibly known he would use or how. This plan is coming together so well that Phoenix, Edgeworth, Lana, and Gumshoe could practically form the A-Team. Anyway. “I’ve done my homework too, Chief,” Phoenix says. Ha! No, he hasn’t. “Indeed, Ema Skye’s fingerprints were on this piece of cloth. However! At that point in time, this was merely a piece of cloth, nothing more.” To Gant’s fist-shaking rage, he cites the second rule of evidence law. But for some reason, Edgeworth jumps in to read both rules to Gant in turn so Phoenix can show how it was in violation of both. Sexy teamwork! To review–because some of you have probably developed Alzheimer’s while reading this recap–evidence has to be 1) approved by the police and 2) proven to be relevant to the case. Phoenix rejects the first by saying he did not have police approval for the evidence, given that he stole it from Gant. He rejects the second by saying, “You see, at the time it was impossible for me to prove the relevance…between the cloth and the SL-9 Incident.” Gant tries to object that it’s obvious from Lana’s photo that it’s relevant, but Phoenix bowls right over him. “Sorry, but can you recall…when was that picture presented?” The actual, correct answer is “Right before Gant asked Phoenix to present the scrap of leather,” but never mind, Phoenix is on a roll! Let’s not let facts interfere! The judge derps, “That was shown only a few moments ago!” Nope. NOPE.
“He’s right,” Edgeworth lies. FOR LOVE. “At the beginning of today’s trial, that piece of cloth was still meaningless.” Phoenix finishes his lover’s thought, “The person who gave it value as evidence…was you, Damon Gant.” Edgeworth reminds Gant of his confession that he personally did a little avant-garde tailoring to Marshall’s vest, as if that’s a signed murder confession. Gant shrieks, and Edgeworth keeps on going. “It was then that you approved this cloth…” he says, “as conclusive evidence. Yes! You, the Chief of Police, personally approved this cloth!”
I have to stop, loath as I am to interrupt the flow of Phoenix and Edgeworth wordfucking each other, because this is all patently fucking false. Again, Lana’s photo was presented before Gant showed up to force Phoenix’s hand on the scrap of leather. And though the court at large did not realize its significance at the time, Phoenix and Ema both instantly recognized why there was a hole in Neil Marshall’s ridiculous cowboy vest. That alone should have been enough to make the scrap relevant enough to present. As for the first rule, let’s remember that Angel Starr presented Niceguy’s shoe as evidence and that it was legal according to the first rule of evidence law because she had some probably imaginary boyfriend in forensics examine it. So even aside from how dumb and inconsistently applied these rules are, there is still an actual example from this case that sets precedent for the leather scrap to be legal evidence–the one, in fact, that was specifically used to demonstrate this fucking rule. And not only did Phoenix have Detective Gumshoe’s approval when he took it–approval he had to earn by linking it to the case!–but he also had Gant’s tacit approval when Gant more or less demanded Phoenix present it to the court. If Phoenix had presented it then, would Gant have said it wasn’t allowed? Fuck and no. The ONE AND ONLY reason Phoenix did not present it at the time was because he was afraid it would make Ema look guilty, and then Lana would have cut his dick off. This plan is smoke and mirrors.
‘Udgey, I’ll take the Penis Mightier for $200.’
Totally ignoring my bellyaching, Phoenix levels the brunt of his accusation at Gant: “The only person who could have cut this from the victim’s vest…is the one who stood before Prosecutor Marshall in his final moments. In other words, the real murderer! And there’s only one person who that could be…Damon Gant, the killer you!” That’s not even a typo from the iPad version–it says that in all versions. Phoenix know how talk good! Edgeworth very horny!
MOTHERFUCKING FINALLY, Gant gives in. He begins clapping, first in his normal jovial way, but with increasing speed and hysteria until he is slamming his hands together with incredible force, as if he’s putting on a burlesque show with Phoenix and Edgeworth finger puppets. I’m surprised his hands are not reduced to two bloody stumps. All the while, he’s shouting–and I simply must quote this in its entirety, because it transforms Gant into an unholy combination of Prince Adolf and Sean Connery–“WA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO UH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!” Jesus Christ. I’m kind of surprised my hands are not two bloody stumps.