And just like in Maya’s case, this is obviously fraudulent as fuck. So Neil Marshall was impaled, standing up, on a fucking suit of armor, and his final thought was to write in his own blood on THE JAR? THE JAR that was, by the by, almost certainly shattered on the floor at the time he theoretically thought to do this? Did it somehow fly all the way up into the air and not break, and land in a place Marshall could reach it? Come the fuck on. And let’s say it happened exactly like that, which beggars belief: FUCKING SERIOUSLY, Neil Marshall had just rushed in to save this girl’s life, and then when she accidentally shoved him to his death, he was suddenly like, “I’m gonna make this little bitch pay.” Good job, team! Nailed it.
I hate THE JAR.
Edgeworth, Phoenix, and the judge consider none of these myriad problems, and instead soberly reflect on Ema–who I’m pretty sure is still passed out on the courtroom floor, guys–snuffing the life out of Neil Marshall. With her giant, freakishly muscular man arms! I mean, really. But look! Just in time for the Ema-incarcerating festivities, Damon Gant shows up with some penis-shaped balloons and communion wine. “See, Worthy?” he says, appearing on the stand. “Can’t say I didn’t warn you.” Of course, Gant doesn’t give two shits that Lana’s little sister is about to be found guilty of murder, which should be a huge clue to what’s really going on here. No, rather, he wants to make Edgeworth feel as guilty as possible about SL-9. “Two years ago, Joe Darke was sentenced to death,” he reminds everybody. I’d forgotten! “He was convicted because of his final murder. I believe you were the prosecutor in the case, were you not?” I’d also forgotten that! Sigh. Gant goes on, while Edgeworth starts making unattractive choking noises, “Because of you…an innocent man was sentenced to death. Not only that…but you used forged evidence to ensure his conviction!” Edgeworth turns into Predator and gasps out, “K-kkckck! KKCKRRAAAAHH!!!”
Quick, Phoenix! The Heimlich!
Phoenix leaps to his lover’s defense and objects. “But Joe Darke really was a serial murderer!” he yells at Gant. “That’s undeniable!” Right? They had all this evidence! And a really compelling narrative of his crimes! Ugh. And anyway, Gant is a fucking creep, but he makes a valid point: “I’m afraid that’s not important. Didn’t you know? We aren’t defenders of justice.” Phoenix is all, “Durr?” because this is somehow lost on him, but Gant explains, “We’re merely keepers of the law.” Gant says that regardless of any forgery done (by Lana! Only by Lana! Clearly!), “ultimately the responsibility falls on the prosecutor in charge.” Gant is not going to rest until Edgeworth is completely broken, weeping and quoting Leviticus in his therapy pool. The peanut gallery latches onto Gant’s words and turns on Edgeworth yet again, and the resulting “RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE” is so cacophonous that, per Phoenix’s black-screen narration, “The gavel’s pounding fell on deaf ears… Unable to settle the crowd, the judge declared a recess. Where this trial is heading, no one knows…” Oh, I know! It’s heading for a perfect resolution where every piece of evidence fits into a sensible narrative and no plotholes are left unfilled! Right? RIGHT?!
Out in the lobby, Phoenix apologizes to Edgeworth for getting him into trouble for the hundredth time since this case began. Edgeworth appropriately responds, “Hmph. Don’t worry about it. This is my problem, not yours.” It really is, and ultimately has zero to do with Phoenix, but he just can’t bear to see his man suffering like this. Since both men are near tears and trying to put on a brave face, this is the perfect awkward moment for Gumshoe to again burst in and say, “Hope I’m not interrupting anything, pals.” I’m betting in this case he really hopes he is interrupting something. When he realizes he is, he slinks off again, probably grinning when he thinks Phoenix can’t see, until Phoenix yells at him to come back. Normally he’d want Gumshoe to butt the fuck out when he and Edgeworth are alone, but he is also not at all equipped at the moment to deal with all of Edgeworth’s SL-9 emotional baggage, and could probably use some reinforcements.
Like the last time this happened, Gumshoe has been running around doing errands for Lana in Phoenix’s name. “Here,” Gumshoe says. “She asked me to give this to you if there was a break in today’s trial.” And what if there wasn’t? Given that this is supposed to be helpful, maybe Lana could have ensured that Phoenix would definitely have it before a verdict was reached? But I guess Lana was counting on someone saying something that would nearly incite a riot again. Not the craziest assumption, given that the peanut gallery is apparently stocked with inmates from the local asylum. Anyway, the item Gumshoe fetched is a book entitled Evidence Law. “Edgeworth was talking about this just the other day…” Phoenix blue-fonts, making me hate him a little bit. He even flashes back to Edgeworth bringing it up in court! Oh my God, Phoenix, stop. Just stop. Gumshoe snaps Phoenix out of being a dipshit. “The Chief Prosecutor also wanted me to give you a message,” he says. Jesus, would it have killed Lana to talk to her own lawyer about this? The message is, “If you’re planning to take HIM on, you’re going to need this book.” Handing Phoenix a book is like handing him a naked woman–he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with it. But, mentally insisting he should “give this book a thorough read,” right, he slides it into the court record.
Of course, Gumshoe doesn’t think it’s going to do any good at this stage, even if Phoenix has suddenly acquired the ability to speed-read, since he says, “All that’s left is the Chief Prosecutor’s sentence.” How did anything that just happened in court even affect Lana’s guilt or innocence? All they fucking did was talk about Ema’s gorilla hands and an ugly piece of pottery that might be a TARDIS. But Phoenix and Edgeworth, in unison, tell Gumshoe he doesn’t get it. “Haven’t you figured it out yet?” Edgeworth asks. “Why I’m still sitting in that prosecutor’s seat…despite all these allegations being thrown at me?” I know! Because every other prosecutor in the game is dead, in jail, or Winston Payne? “The real trial today…hasn’t begun yet.” Edgeworth, that is not fucking funny.
‘Wright and I are in love. And I’m Kiyance.’
Gumshoe is all pumped to see Edgeworth’s renewed resolve, assuming it will only strengthen their Penetrating Bond of Trust, but doesn’t know what else can be done. “Your credibility’s been all but ruined with this forged evidence you were unaware of, Ema Skye found out she unwittingly caused a man’s death… And now you’re telling me you want to do more!?” Why not? There have to be some other unsolved murders we can pin on Ema. But Phoenix lets Gumshoe in on the fact that Lana just stabbed a dead body with Edgeworth’s knife, and that he and Edgeworth are going to use their own Penetrating Bond of Trust to finger the real killer, while Gumshoe is only allowed to watch in the corner. Gumshoe is at least excited to get the opportunity to watch, and starts breathing hard in anticipation. “This case has hurt too many people,” Phoenix thinks, though, given that his eyes shift from Gumshoe to Edgeworth, obviously only one person is on his mind. “It’s time to bring it to an end!” I could not agree more.
As soon as court reconvenes, the judge informs Edgeworth, “The inquiry committee is planning to impose harsh penalties for your actions.” He is going to get forcibly motorboated until he has a permanent imprint of a boob on his cheek. Edgeworth just does his fancy bow and thanks the judge for the news. What a brave boy. But the judge is not done: he would ask Edgeworth to call a witness (what is he going to do, have the Blue Badger/THE JAR provide testimony that Ema is a murderer?), but he’s not comfortable with it and stammers, “You see, there is some concern that Mr. Edgeworth may have, ah…” Edgeworth puts it out there. “Struck a bargain?” he asks. “You think I may have manipulated the witnesses.” If he has, he’s done a really fucking poor job of it. The judge backpedals, but it’s clear he still doesn’t want to continue letting Edgeworth run this shitshow. But Edgeworth has an idea. “That being the case,” he suggests, “the prosecution will allow the defense to call forth all further witnesses.” Edgeworth is putting the trial in Phoenix’s hands! Along with his penis!
The judge isn’t exactly comfortable with this either, because God forbid a lowly defense attorney get to wield such terrific power, but he goes with it. “Mr. Wright,” Edgeworth says once the judge is on board. “You do realize this is your last chance? If you call the wrong witness…this trial is as good as over.” Since he is putting it that way, I am sorely tempted to have Phoenix call Angel Starr just so I can be done with this nightmare, but Phoenix knows it’s time to get the real murderer on the stand, and thus calls Damon Gant.
‘I agree to conduct the trial naked.’
This is preposterous, but the judge has the temerity to ask what Gant has to do with this case. Yeah, I can’t think of how he’s connected! God. “As the defendant’s partner two years ago, Mr. Gant has first-hand knowledge of the crime,” Phoenix understates. “I feel we should hear what he has to say about it.” Like, is the judge new around here? Since when does Phoenix want to cross-examine anyone but the true murderer at this stage? Edgeworth also adds, to get the judge on their side, “He would also be the least likely to have been manipulated by me in any way.” Quite the opposite, apparently. This is enough for the judge, and he sends the bailiff to track down Chief Gant.
Obviously, Gant is less than pleased to be standing here, being asked by Worthy for his name and occupation. “I was just on my way to lunch!” he complains. No doubt he was on his way to a sausage smokehouse that used to be a church. He asks if Edgeworth wants to play “hardball.” Um, not with you, sir. But he finally coughs up the ol’ bio and Phoenix gets to asking him for testimony on SL-9. “Oh, you mean that time when Lana’s sister murdered that prosecutor?” he asks. Dang. That’s just cold. “Personally, I think it’s been made pretty clear already.” Phoenix and I do not agree, though for totally different reasons. Phoenix specifically asks about what role Gant may have played in the whole thing, and Gant replies, “…Son… Either you’re very brave…or very foolish.” It can be both! Gant explains for Phoenix’s benefit, or just to drag this shit out as long as possible, “You are aware of course that a police chief has all kinds of weapons at his disposal?” Phoenix blanches and asks, “‘Weapons’…?” like he is worried Gant has a manila envelope full of photos of Edgeworth in Kiyance drag. “Sure,” Gant replies. “Take my testimony, for example. I don’t have to give it if I don’t want to.” The judge confirms that Gant has the right to refuse to testify. I mean, so does anyone, if they would incriminate themselves, but the picture we’re supposed to be forming is that Gant is bulletproof. Edgeworth couldn’t even look up his fucking ID number, and now he can just peace out and leave Lana and Ema to the wolves if he doesn’t feel like answering Phoenix’s questions. These sure do feel like real and necessary rules for a just system of law and order, and not artificial story cockblocks for Phoenix!
Gant finally gets to his testimony about the night of Joe Darke’s escapades in the police department. “As I recall, Neil and I were questioning him that day,” he says. “To make a long story short, we slipped up. That power outage didn’t help either.” No, please do not make a long story short. For one thing, nobody in this series is capable of that anyway, and for another, I require details on this “slipping up.” Also, the power didn’t go out until Darke had already gotten away, so save it. Gant goes on that he went to his office and found Lana with Ema, after Lana had “arranged” the crime scene. “As you can see,” he adds, clapping with glee, “I had nothing to do with the ‘forgery.'” He had so little to do with it that he’s pre-emptively putting it in scare quotes! That’s how uninvolved he was. After his testimony is over, the judge asks if that was when Darke was arrested, and Gant clarifies that Darke was unconscious when he arrived. “When Ema sent Neil flying…it seems Darke bumped his head.” I’m choosing to believe Darke was given a jolt when Marshall’s penis was violently yanked out of his mouth. Phoenix thinks to himself that he had better go “hard and fast” in cross-examination if Gant can choose to not testify anytime he wants. I can’t see how anything Phoenix could do would help with that. But, hee: “hard and fast.” Gant would be secretly delighted.