Okay, what about that scenario would have been such a problem that she had to move the body? Would Darke have been acquitted because, though he murdered six people, he also destroyed that ugly piece of shit in Detective Gant’s office? Did the other detectives in criminal affairs dance and sing when they heard of its demise, like the munchkins when Dorothy’s house fell on the Wicked Witch of the East? Like, look, I know Lana is lying, and that that explains a lot of these holes in her testimony, but they are still galling because 1) Phoenix never bothers pointing, like, ANY of this out, and 2) Lana Skye, Super Genius, has had two fucking years to perfect her story and this is the best she can do?

Again, nobody wonders about this. The only voice of doubt is Ema’s, and not because it seems odd to move a body just because there were some pieces of THE JAR surrounding it, but because she is still unclear about when THE JAR ended up broken. Me too, sister, me too. Phoenix blue-fonts that there must be a contradiction somewhere in here, and then just ends up thrusting THE JAR at Lana, without thinking about what the contradiction actually is. No matter. The blind squirrel has found another nut.

I’m just going to cut to the point of Phoenix’s objection, because he and the judge prattle on for what feels like five fucking years without saying anything useful. Phoenix congratulates himself for finally finding a contradiction in Lana’s testimony, after ignoring a billion other contradictions and outright lies. “In order for the victim to be able to write his message on the jar,” Phoenix declares, “it must not yet have been broken before he died!” Lana goes, “Ah…” as Phoenix finishes, “He couldn’t have written Ema’s name on a shattered jar!” Wow, now they’re getting around to figuring that out? This still explains absolutely nothing about Lana moving the body, of course, and gets nowhere near reconciling the thousand problems with THE JAR, but I’ll take one small victory.

That small victory is crushed underneath Edgeworth’s tasteful black shoe heel when he asks of the judge, “It would appear…more information is needed in regard to this jar, and its bloody message! We may be missing something critical here!” And thus, Lana is asked to provide an entirely new testimony, exclusively about THE JAR. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but whatever it was, I am deeply sorry. To Lana, Edgeworth adds, “It seems you’re as in the dark as we are…about the truth towards which we’re headed.” Lana does seem to be surprised by all this, so Edgeworth asks her, “Just tell us exactly what you saw. We’ll piece together the information to arrive at the truth.” Given what the truth ends up being, I am really not feeling Edgeworth’s sudden, unshakable faith in it. The truth is bullshit.

Let’s get this over with. So, re: THE JAR, Lana testifies, “I immediately noticed the blood traces on the jar, but it was dark in the room and I didn’t have time to check it out. To be safe, I wiped away the blood. The fragments were large, so I’m sure I got them all. All I could think about was wiping them clean before they were discovered.” She was terribly afraid of anyone discovering what was written on THE JAR, even though she had no idea what it was, or whether anything was “written” on these broken shards at all. Why the fuck not, Lana. Ema’s like, “Yeah, no,” and Phoenix agrees.

That’s a quality burn.

Lucky for me, there isn’t a lot of new ground covered in Phoenix’s cross-examination, though Lana does say that if she had known THE JAR had Ema’s name on it, “I would have gathered all the pieces and ground them to dust.” Oh, what might have been. At the statement, “The fragments were large, so I’m sure I got them all,” Phoenix presents THE JAR again. This has to be the single most-presented piece of evidence in the series. To my chagrin. “Ms. Skye,” Phoenix says. He’s getting serious! “I believe this jar conceals a truth even you were unaware of.” He tells the court again about his discovery of the final piece of THE JAR, hidden in Chief Gant’s safe. Lana clearly had no idea about this, which is backed up by the fact that the blood on that piece was not wiped away like the others, so obviously Lana never found it. Phoenix jumps to the one conclusion this leaves him: “On the night Prosecutor Marshall was murdered…you were not the first one to show up on the scene! Chief Gant got there before you!” It would be pretty funny if, say, Detective Gumshoe were the first person on the scene, and he just gave a handful of random evidence to Gant and never spoke of it again.

When the judge wonders if Lana perhaps just missed one piece that Gant found later, Phoenix’s counter is very flimsy: “I’m afraid that’s unlikely. The pieces are too big for anyone to miss, let alone an ace detective!” What if this one skidded under Gant’s desk or something? Lana’s not some pottery shard-seeking Terminator. But this is somehow good enough to pass muster. Edgeworth points out the more likely reason that someone else was there first. “When this witness arrived at the scene, the jar was already broken,” he reminds the judge. “There’s no way a name could have been written on a shattered jar. Another person discovered the scene prior to the witness!” And, presumably, wrote Ema’s name on THE UNBROKEN JAR themselves. For fun! “I hope you’re not implying this ‘person’ was Chief Gant,” replies the judge. “At the time, he was looking for Darke downstairs. Besides, even if he was there first, why would he break the jar?” There’s no way he was lying or anything! “The question is,” Phoenix says, “if he did arrive there first, why did he hide that fact for two years!?” Really, Phoenix thinks that’s the question? There are so many better candidates.

The judge, when he cannot come up with even a hypothetical answer to this question, has another witness-style breakdown and starts questioning every moment in his Notebook-esque lifelong romance with Damon Gant. Edgeworth takes this opportunity to narrate the new theory: “Damon Gant arrived at the crime scene prior to the witness. He proceeded to break the jar, and purposefully hid one of the broken pieces.” He finishes, “Question: What is this action called?” Phoenix gets to answer, shattering the judge’s heart just like THE JAR, “Fabrication…” I hope Phoenix is as devoted to Edgeworth when they’re old and wrinkly as the judge is to Gant. Though that’s not sexy to think about.

Hey, he never said he was looking for ‘supplies’ in that broom closet with Mr. Edgeworth. You just assumed it.

As to motive, Edgeworth asks, “In light of what happened afterwards, isn’t it clear?” The judge is confused and upset, and is probably this close to asking the bailiff to find him a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, so Edgeworth delicately walks him through it. “Discovering the scene, Lana Skye believed her sister Ema killed the victim. Determined to help her sister, she sought Gant’s aid. Lending her his ‘aid,’ Gant helped her create evidence that incriminated Darke, sparing Ema. And here is the reason! The reason why Ms. Skye became the Chief’s puppet!” This truth Edgeworth and Phoenix have discovered is so virile and potent that Lana bites her thumb in agitation or arousal, blood spraying out of her mouth. Even she can’t resist the allure these two are exuding. “…!!” she, uh, says. “N-no…I…I did it on my own…” Ema yells at her to stop protecting Gant, but Lana will not give up this insanely pointless lie. “No, you didn’t! It wasn’t you, Ema!” she shouts, pounding the witness stand with her palm. “You didn’t kill anyone! Don’t believe anything Mr. Wright says! Defense attorneys make up the most foul lies to defend their clients!” Phoenix blue-fonts, basically, “Nice, bitch, real nice,” and in Dead Mentor Heaven, Mia is probably nodding in agreement. Maybe Mia is the one who cheated on Lana, with Angel, her client in a salmonella-related wrongful death suit! The plot thickens.

But Lana slagging him in front of the entire courtroom gives Phoenix an idea of sorts. “Wait a minute…” he thinks. “What if…we’re still smack dab in the middle of Gant’s trap!?” Out loud, he says, “Lana…may be right after all.” I thought Edgeworth had already hinted at the possibility that Ema is in fact innocent, given that he alleged Gant was the one who broke THE JAR, but I guess he did not say Gant was the one who wrote on it. So in the current court narrative, does everybody still believe that THE JAR landed near Marshall without breaking, he wrote Ema’s name on it, and then dropped it, but that it still did not break? I mean, that is obviously not how it went, but it seems like that is the lie that just got shattered in Phoenix’s head. Whaaaaaatever. Phoenix asks Lana to testify one more time. “If evidence was ‘fabricated’ behind your back…” he says, “then Ema’s accidental killing of Prosecutor Marshall…might also be a lie!” Ema still remembers windmilling into him with her She-Hulk arms, but that doesn’t really mean anything. Lana is still hesitant–if she displeases him, Gant could still ensure that her execution is done by a firing squad using penis-shaped rifles, and she could not even deal with that. But Edgeworth tries to put her mind at ease: “There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore,” he tells her. “This cross-examination may not change a thing. However, there is a possibility that it will, if you tell the truth!”

Finally, this is enough for Lana to relent and tell the truth. And since Gant is still happily chowing down on early bird special bratwurst, she can hopefully do so without blatant witness intimidation stopping her. “When I arrived, I found Mr. Marshall’s body impaled on that suit of armor’s sword,” Lana says. Duh. “Ema and Darke were lying unconscious on the floor nearby. When I saw what had happened, I thought she…did it. That’s why I erased all the evidence that linked her to the murder.” Including, somehow, the blood that had to be all over the floor and the suit of armor. Lana’s a wizard! “I had Chief Gant help me remove the body from the sword and carry it…” she goes on. “But if it all really was a fabrication,” she finishes, slapping the witness stand again, “Ema might be innocent!” Of course Ema is innocent. Just like with Edgeworth, our protagonists are so pure and true they can’t have even accidentally killed someone.

Come now, you can’t expect anyone to believe that.

I’m surprised the suit of armor isn’t smoking a cigarette.

Edgeworth is sorry indeed that Lana cannot provide any evidence to back up her claim, but she replies, “Actually, I do have proof. I gave it to Mr. Wright just this morning.” This is, obviously, news to Phoenix, but news to me as well. “It’s a picture I took of the crime scene as I encountered it,” Lana tells him. Phoenix does not remember receiving any such thing–the only thing he got from Lana today was The Big Book of Contrived Evidence Law. And checking that book in the court record, up to this moment, only showed Phoenix and me a screen of text outlining those two asinine laws. But when he checks it now, he is magically allowed to scientifically examine–i.e., open–the book. For the record, the cover of The Big Book of Contrived Evidence Law features a yellow baby bird wearing a Sherlock Holmes-style deerstalker hat, holding a pipe, and reclining at a desk. Don’t look at me. Phoenix opens the book–a new and exciting experience for him–and tucked into the dust jacket on the back cover is a black-and-white photo.

Just as Lana said, it’s a photo of how she found Neil Marshall: dead, held up by the inscrutable but no-doubt satisfied and spent suit of armor, head lolling down, blood from his punctured lung dripping from his mouth and saturating his clothing. It’s probably the most macabre scene in the whole series. There’s also a conspicuous piece of his fringed leather vest missing. Ema recognizes the missing section of vest as the scrap from Gant’s safe, which leads Ema to say, “That cloth… It had fingerprints on it! Whosever fingerprints those are must be the real murderer!” But as before, Ema doesn’t hear Phoenix think, “What!? But those fingerprints… They’re yours, Ema!” I like how even the matter of Ema’s telepathy has become an inconsistency.

A quick aside: why would Lana take this photo? According to her, she was so afraid of Ema being implicated that she falsified evidence, but she chose to take this photo of the crime scene as it was before she changed it? And had it developed and printed? And then, I guess, kept it in a book in her office? Also, regardless of the fact that I was unable to see it until now, the fact is that Phoenix received this photo at recess–that is, while Lana was still maintaining the lie that this had nothing to do with covering up for Ema. What the fuck is Lana’s game here? “Here’s a photo of the actual crime scene as I found it, but please don’t look at it until the plot-appointed time!”