Back to the story! That’s almost a relief. In the lobby, Ema is still fucking hangdog for some reason. Her upset expression even halts the cheery victory theme in its tracks. Phoenix thinks it’s because Lana is still totally going to prison, but the reason is so much lamer. “Just now, after the trial ended…” she says, and recalls the scene from, yes, just now, in which Lana thanked Phoenix and Edgeworth for all their sexy teamwork. “You know, I did my best too,” Ema pouts. “But…Lana didn’t say a single word to me.” I HELPED! I’M SPECIAL! MEEEEEEEEEE. Goddamn, Ema. Naturally, Gumshoe picks the exact moment Ema is making an ass of herself to come over and once again say with a grin, “Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” realize he is, and run off with his tail between his legs. “Ah, Detective Gumshoe!” Phoenix cries once more. “What is it?” But this time, Gumshoe’s errand is for Ema’s benefit, not Phoenix’s–he has arranged for Lana to say hi before shuttling back to the detention center. It’s the least he could do after leaving that bloody handprint at a murder scene!
“Ema…” Lana says, conveniently realizing that Ema is down in the dumps, “I owe you an apology.” Over Ema’s half-hearted protests that she needn’t apologize for anything, Lana says, “That day, two years ago, was the first time in my life I ever panicked. It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming. All I could think about was keeping you from getting wrapped up in that mess.” And why not? It totally looked like she was the murderer, according to precisely no one. Lana wastes more of my life recapping stuff we know already about what she did and why, but tells her sister she was scared and kept herself at a distance so Ema wouldn’t silently judge her with “those eyes of yours.” Ema does have a pretty good judgmental stare. “I turned my back on you that day,” she finishes. “In hiding what I believed to be the truth, I was deceiving you!” The truth sets us free! I swear this is a Mormon morality play.
But now there are no secrets between these sisters, and even though they’ll be separated by prison and five metric tons of emotional baggage, they are happy! They both say so, so it must be true! Nobody is going to need a lifetime of therapy for this! Just THE TRUTH! “You know, Sis,” Ema says, abandoning her mopey frown, “I always knew that one day you’d come back. And now you have!” Lana smiles creepily again and cries, “Oh Ema…Ema!” Gross, you guys, they’re sisters.
Braaaaaaains
While the Skye sisters embrace in a heartwarming still image, Lana coming this close to looking like a living, breathing person, Phoenix watches them like a creep and monologues. “No one can change the past,” he says. “The only thing we can do is strive to make up for our mistakes. Why must we make up for our mistakes, you ask?” I don’t know who he’s talking to, but I imagine he’s talking about Edgeworth spending the next three decades atoning for fucking Larry. “Because in so doing…” he goes on, “we can find the way back to our path. And once we’ve found our path, we can move on from our past mistakes toward a brighter future.” You guys. Phoenix is kind of a douchebag.
Lana thanks Phoenix and Gumshoe (he’s included!) for all they’ve done for her. “I’m sure we’ll meet again someday,” she adds. “Isn’t that right, Edgeworth?” Phoenix stutters, “E-Edgeworth…?” and it turns out he was hiding under Lana’s skirt like a shy child. He appears, looking all kinds of put out that he has to, ugh, celebrate with people. This is Phoenix’s couples board game night all over again, except without the awkwardness of Kiyance being “too sick” to attend.
Edgeworth tries to give his congratulations–Lana assumes they’re for her, but come on–and skedaddle to the coat check room, but Lana slows him down. “Mr. Edgeworth. I hope you don’t blame yourself for what happened,” she says. No, lady, he is just in a hurry. And so is Phoenix, suddenly! Byeeee! Lana goes on, “We were the ones who acted corruptly, not you.” But just when Phoenix was 30 seconds away from their real post-trial celebration, Lana fucks it all up by appealing to Edgeworth’s keen sense of self-pity. He skids to a halt in the lobby and turns back to her. “…It’s too late for me,” he says. Phoenix’s boner deflates, probably with a sad trombone sound. Fucking Lana. “No matter what anyone may say,” Edgeworth laments, “I realized today that I can’t change my own mistakes!” He could go a long way toward making up for them if he’d get to that coat check room and strip, but now he probably isn’t in the mood anymore. FUCKING LANA.
“Not only that,” he continues, “but I don’t trust myself anymore. Chief Gant was right…” He relives Gant’s last words to him, and decides he might be up for some “swimming” sessions after all. Edgeworth, no! He admits that he does in fact despise criminals and knows he needs a “weapon” to take them on alone. What, like the sword on the King of Prosecutors trophy? That didn’t work out so well for Neil Marshall. Over Phoenix’s objections, he even wonders, “Who knows? Given enough time, I might have tried to pull something like Chief Gant did. That thought terrifies me. That’s why I can’t continue on as a prosecutor!” I know he means the whole massive corruption part of Gant’s profile, but I can’t help picturing Edgeworth with stigmata holes in his fuchsia suit and silver cross cuff links and earrings, with a Gutenberg Bible tucked under his arm.
Now, to Lana’s credit, she dug Edgeworth into this pity party hole, and she does at least try to dig him out. She reminds Edgeworth that his mentor, von Karma, was every bit as shitty as Gant–that will make him feel better!–and then tells him, “But they both made the same mistake. You said, ‘in order to fight crime alone, one needs a weapon.’ That may be right, but think back to today’s trial. You weren’t alone.” Lana has taken up Gant’s mantle of chief in-game Phoenix/Edgeworth shipper! I approve. “You were working together with Mr. Wright. And because of that partnership,” she says, “you were able to present evidence that otherwise would have gone undiscovered. Isn’t that right, Mr. Wright?” Phoenix, still too horny to handle being put on the spot, stammers for a moment until Ema tells him to present the item she’s referring to. He blue-fonts about it while Edgeworth frowns at him uncertainly, as if wondering if their love is really true if Phoenix can’t even figure this shit out. Finally, he pulls out the evidence list. (That is, by the way, the only item still in his court record other than his badge. So challenging!)
“Our counterattack began with this,” Phoenix tells Edgeworth, and there’s more passionate hand-grasping going on in my imagination. I am sad. “You had one half of the evidence list, and I had the other. Apart, we wouldn’t have been able to completely restore Ema’s picture.” Lana basically goes, “Yeah, so kiss him, already.”
Edgeworth takes all this in, still with that uncertain expression, and then says he has to go. Yeah, he does. God, these people are all ruining the good ending. He says goodbye to Lana, but Phoenix, even though they’re going to be ripping each other’s suits off any minute now, asks, “Edgeworth! What will you do now?” I think we already know, Phoenix, you don’t have to gloat. Phoenix issues him some “inspirational” words of “wisdom” and forces Edgeworth to be gracious and reply, “It seems I owe you my thanks too, Wright.” Well, you know how you can thank him! “But what I face now…is my problem.” I do not care about Edgeworth’s interminable career-related angst. As far as I’m concerned, the only problem he’s facing is unbuckling Phoenix’s belt. Phoenix replies, “Edgeworth…I’ll be waiting for you in court.” Yeah, they should totally do it in there, it should be empty now. “Farewell,” Edgeworth says, racing him there.
And Phoenix will be happy to break him. In half.
But no, Phoenix is still stuck talking to Lana, Ema, and Gumshoe. Lana has to get going, but she hands Ema a present: a book called Scientific Investigation that must be from the same series as The Big Book of Contrived Evidence Law, because the same yellow chick is on the cover with a comically large magnifying glass. “It’s the first book I ever bought,” Lana tells her. What, in second grade? “Study it well.” I’m sure it has a lot of helpful techniques and tips, like “Put that shit in your pocket, nobody’s looking” and “Luminol: It doesn’t work on semen, right? Right?”
The screen goes black and Phoenix starts monologuing again, usually a good sign that the case has come to a close. He wastes some breath on the Skye sisters, and then says, “And as for me…I think it’s time I started on a new journey of my own.” Images of his closest friends and allies, with Edgeworth’s beautiful face saved for last as before, fly before his eyes. “A journey to rediscover myself.” He wants to backpack in Europe and have a lesbian experience.
But because this case is so fucking long it can’t even end on Phoenix’s monologue like it’s supposed to, Gumshoe snaps him out of his reverie by reminding him that he technically shouldn’t have let Lana hang around when she’s under arrest, and that he had to bribe a guard “in order to sneak her out for 30 minutes.” A bribe, naturally, that he cannot pay out himself. God dammit, Gumshoe, it’s not like Ema couldn’t have visited her at the detention center. Phoenix should really have pity on him, given that it’s not set in stone that he’ll get his job back, and it’ll probably be at reduced pay, but Phoenix just spent most of his savings on a garnet-encrusted cock ring for Valentine’s Day! He screams at Ema and Gumshoe, “OBJECTION!”
Bad, Phoenix! Bad!
Just as an extra kick to my ovaries, the game makes me watch the credits again, with more lame check-ins on all the characters from this case. Relevant details: Lana arranges for Ema to live with a coroner in Europe, possibly Dr. Frankenstein; Mike Meekins has a psychotic episode and is now living in sin with Jake Marshall’s cactus, Billy; the Blue Badger’s batteries finally, mercifully die; in a surprise cameo, Maya, in a location we’ll get familiar with in the next game, misses Nick but can’t go back to mooching off him until she finishes her training; and, oh boy, the Bellboy shows up to Edgeworth’s office with his afternoon tea, but finds a letter, probably a newly penned letter of resignation, that indicates Edgeworth has DISAPPEARED. To the back seat of the Penismobile, with Phoenix.
Saved for last is Ema, whom he sees off at the train station like he did Maya. She thanks him for everything, and says, “I’m a little sad, but I’ll be all right! Whenever I want to see Lana, all I have to do is open this book…” I’m worried that the detective chick is actually a cartoon version of Lana, but it turns out the elder Skye tucked a photo into this book just like she did for The Big Book of Contrived Evidence Law. This one is much less horrifying, and shows Ema, as a child, posing with her sister, fresh out of the police academy. It’s pretty goddamn adorable, and manages to thaw my frozen heart out just enough for it to start pumping black bile again.
Holy shit, you guys, that’s it! Are you as sick of this case as I am? No, you can’t be. That’s impossible. But now that I’m at the end of this tortuously long and winding road, I can say I had a blast recapping this game with Jeanne and talking about it with all of you! And we can’t wait to get started on Phoenix Wright: Anal Attorney: Justice for All: With Extra Colons. It’s going to be great, and also stupid! Thanks so much for reading.
