As has become the norm with this fiasco of a trial, Gant reveals details when pressed that the writers think are fleshing out the story, but are actually plunging it deeper into stupidity. When Phoenix mentions the King of Prosecutors award ceremony that took place before Darke’s questioning, Gant says, “Yes, that’s right. I guess you could say I’m a workaholic… After winning his award, Neil was all fired up too. That’s probably what spooked Darke, and made him run away like that.” So Neil was gripping the broken knife/sword/halberd/penis and had crazy eyes, and that was what made Darke make a break for it? This still doesn’t explain how that happened, by the way, but still. I’m guessing the reality is that Darke got so excited by Marshall’s lust for his new penis trophy that he ran off to find a more private place for them to get it on. Alternately, Gant was dropping heavy hints about wanting them both in his water therapy sessions and he freaked out.
Gant also “clarifies” that he and Marshall split up when Darke took the elevator, with him heading downstairs and Marshall heading upstairs. “I guess you could say…he got ‘lucky,'” he adds, because he is a kind and caring government official. And then he claims he was in the elevator when the power went out, trapping him. He uses this, too, to be a dick about our victim: “I got the shock of my life,” he says. “Well…probably not as shocked as Neil was when that knife went into his heart, though.” Jesus Christ, why not just surround him with a choir of angels singing “I was the real murderer” in D minor?
Yeah they were.
The rest of Phoenix’s cross just establishes how Gant found the crime scene, which lines up with what Lana supposedly did to fudge it. I am not even going to bother picking apart the details in Gant’s testimony, because every bit of it is a lie, even though it’s a lie that somehow passed for truth for two years. Instead, Phoenix zeroes in on Gant saying he had nothing to do with it. He can counter this statement with THE JAR FRAGMENT, the hidden half of the evidence list, or the leather handprint, though the latter gets thrown back in his face by Gant for being a violation of “the second rule of evidence law.” More on why that makes me want to go on a Joe Darke-style killing spree later. Phoenix presents the evidence list and narrates how he broke into Gant’s office and robbed him. Not that I care, but you’d think this would get Phoenix into some hot water. “You see, Chief Gant,” he says. “These articles of evidence uncovered in your office…are both concrete proof…that you also played a part in the illegal investigation!” This sets off the peanut gallery again, though thankfully not enough for yet another recess. If the judge calls for another one, Phoenix and Edgeworth are going to need to at least get hydrated before returning.
Gant’s reaction to this? Well, first he claps and crows, “Here’s a defense attorney who may even rival Worthy!” I enjoy that, aside from his contemptible obsession with de-gayifing the entire justice system, Gant is totally a Phoenix/Edgeworth shipper. But next, since it’s been working like gangbusters on Edgeworth, he tries painting Phoenix as a corrupt lawyer. When Phoenix asks if Gant is admitting his involvement, he replies, “Who, me? Or do you mean…you?” Phoenix doesn’t get it, so Gant walks him through: “Well… You were the one who snuck into my office when you ‘found’ this evidence. Prosecutors aren’t the only ones capable of forging evidence, you know. Defense attorneys can do so too.” Yeah, and they actually get in real trouble for it, unlike prosecutors! Jeanne and I are going to have so fucking much to say about this in like fifty years. But back in the present, Edgeworth counters, “OBJECTION! However! Detective Gumshoe was present during the investigation!” Gant is basically like, “Oh, you mean that guy I fired? So fucking what?” But this detail is enough for the judge to keep this train chugging, and he asks Gant to testify about the items Phoenix found. Wow, Gumshoe really was helpful!
He has a custom penis cilice and everything!
Gant’s follow-up testimony is basically that Phoenix planted that shit, or alternately, that it may not have been discovered at the crime scene until after Darke’s trial. He’s really covering all his lying bases, here. And hedge his bets further, he adds, “There’s no reason I’d participate in a forgery. Rearranging the crime scene wouldn’t help me out in any way.” So, “Don’t forget, I’m a selfish asshole!” The judge takes all this in and tells Phoenix, “When investigating the crime scene…you should have been more careful to observe protocol.” Oh, great, let’s wait until after he has four major investigations under his belt, during all of which he stuffed random objects from crime scenes into his pockets, before telling him this. Gant piles on, “You do understand that I’m the Chief of Police, right? There will be consequences.” And while Phoenix flop sweats, Gant pledges to press charges, which is as sure a sign as anything that he will shortly be going to prison himself, since it’s too early in the series for Phoenix to face consequences for anything. The judge asks if Gant could maybe delay bringing down the fucking fury on Phoenix until after the trial. “All right, Udgey,” Gant responds. “In return, though…” And the judge goes, “I know! I know! That place, right?” Wow. The judge just agreed to get in Gant’s therapy pool to save Phoenix. That’s love. He didn’t offer to do that for Edgeworth.
They can read Phoenix’s blue font, too?!
The Chief spends more or less the entire cross-examination threatening Phoenix–by the time Phoenix is out of his pool, his wrinkled penis will have disappeared entirely! But he doesn’t really provide any new information until Phoenix digs deeper into the question of Gant’s motive, or supposed lack thereof. Phoenix thinks he has the magic bullet here, and tells Gant that he did gain something from the fallout of SL-9: “That would of course be the position you have–Chief of Police.” He goes on, leveling his pointy finger at Gant, “The resolution of the SL-9 Incident secured your promotion to Chief. That in itself is sufficient motive!” Except Gant starts laughing, which is clearly not the reaction Phoenix wanted. “Even without that case,” he says, “I was already next in line to become the next chief. The resolution of SL-9 merely sped up the inevitable a little.” Phoenix asks his man to confirm or deny, and Edgeworth tells him, yes, in fact, Gant was going to be chief of police regardless. He had already gotten all the requisite commissioners and city councilors into his jacuzzi at least once.
‘–Edgeworth forward over a fence.’
While Phoenix sweats unattractively, Edgeworth takes this setback in stride, switching gears to another possible theory: that Gant fudged the scene for someone else. But Gant takes that in stride, too. “Don’t be silly, Worthy,” he says. “You know me better than that. There are only three people I look out for: Me, Myself and I.” That does seem like a fair assessment of his character, and Phoenix would probably be stymied at this point, but out of nowhere Gant asks to amend his testimony, adding, “I wouldn’t be anyone’s accomplice if there was nothing in it for me,” just so Phoenix can have another whack at the orange Jesus piñata.
By phrasing it this way, I guess, Gant opens up the possibility of an accomplice. It has been taken as a given so far that any forgery Gant did was in concert with Lana, and no one is contesting her guilt, but all of a sudden the game wants me to consider this as some kind of revelation. Whatever. Gant makes it clear once more that he didn’t and doesn’t give a rat fuck about Ema, and that his mantra is to be “tough on crime and tough on people,” making me picture him with a set of whips and chains blessed by a priest who looks like Shore Leave. Eventually, it occurs to Phoenix to point out the person who could have given Gant something in return for his help. Like, I have to actually select Lana from the list of characters. Ooh, maybe he was working with Angel Starr, in exchange for free obento for life from Lunchland! This is dumb.
The judge asks if Phoenix really intends to characterize Gant “as a nice man who likes to lend people a hand,” giving me an oasis of a small chuckle in this desert of shitty writing. Phoenix blue-fonts testily about this not being what he meant, before identifying Lana as the recipient of Gant’s “help.” He explains, “I believe it’s quite obvious in light of the circumstances. Ema Skye fell victim to an unfortunate series of events. Who would want to help her more than her own sister, Lana?” God, why is he even going through this? Did anyone think otherwise? “And as for Chief Gant…” Phoenix says, “he would also have a reason to help Lana if she asked him to. That reason, of course, is…self profit.” Gant may have been already in line to become chief of police, but Lana was certainly not in line to become chief prosecutor. The judge somehow isn’t getting it, so Edgeworth is blunt: “He would be able to use the Chief Prosecutor as his puppet! Essentially…he would acquire unchecked authority over all investigations!” And he could enforce a strict dress code at both offices! And mandatory group prayers around his organ! The judge’s reaction to this serious allegation? “Do you mean to tell me…that despite the Chief’s formidable appearance, he plays with puppets!?” God dammit, your honor.
Phoenix demands that Gant admit to his crime, through which he hoped to install a figurative puppet in the prosecutors’ office. And don’t get me wrong, he is guilty of exactly this, but I do hope he had a better plan in place than waiting for a serial killer to escape custody and get into a deadly naked wrestling match with a prosecutor in the vicinity of Lana’s sister. Given how it actually went down, let’s not make Gant out to be some incredible scheming genius for having all this shit just happen to fall his way. Of course, Gant isn’t admitting it anyway, since he figures Phoenix has no proof. “For example,” he says, straightening his blood-red crucifix tie, “is Lana testifying that I’ve done such a thing?” She isn’t, obviously, thanks to his hold over her. Convenient!
I need a moratorium on Gant referring to any of Edgeworth’s body parts.
But leave it to Edgeworth to look at the bigger picture and provide a break for Phoenix yet again. Phoenix will have to take over Gumshoe’s dusting duties for months to make up for this, and he’ll need to wear the French maid outfit. “Unless…” Edgeworth muses, almost to himself, “that is also what happened in this incident…” The judge is all, “Er…which one would that be?” which is a fair question. “Of course I’m talking about…the murder of Detective Bruce [Niceguy],” Edgeworth replies. “The Chief Prosecutor has been acting strange throughout this entire trial. Almost as if…someone has been ‘controlling’ her!” Given the judge’s earlier misunderstanding about puppets, I expect him to ask if Chief Gant has had his hand up Lana’s ass this whole time. The courtroom goes completely silent as Gant warns Edgeworth not to carry this thought through to its logical conclusion, but it’s too late. When the judge asks what Edgeworth means, Phoenix answers for him, their synchronized truth-grinding at a fever pitch now, “What he means, Your Honor, is that Chief Gant is involved in the murder of Detective [Niceguy]. Not only that…but the Chief is now making Lana take the rap to cover up his involvement!”
Though anybody should have been able to see this coming, the judge did not, and joins in the fun of having a witness stand-style meltdown at the news that his “swimming” buddy Damon Gant might be a criminal. “Wha…wha…wha…WWWHHHAAAAAATTT!!!?” he screams. The peanut gallery takes its cue from him and starts making a ruckus again, only for the judge to include gavel-banging in his tantrum and shriek for order. “Mr. Wright! You… You can’t be serious!” the judge cries. “This… This is an affront to the highest ranking officer in our law enforcement agency! To accuse the Chief of Police of blackmail…and murder!!!? That’s….i…i-i-i-i-i-i-i-IMPOSSIBLE!!!” I don’t remember the judge getting his panties in such a wad over Phoenix’s exposure–sorry–of Manfred von Karma, but I guess Gant must have kept the two of them in separate below-water groping sessions, and they therefore weren’t close chums.
Phoenix attempts to backpedal and claim he was just clarifying what Edgeworth had already said–classy, Phoenix–but Edgeworth tells him, “It’s too late, Mr. Wright. There’s no turning back for us now.” They’re going down together! This is so sweet. They’re going over a cliff in the Penismobile, holding each other’s wieners! The judge asks for proof of their claims, which prompts Phoenix to consider for the first time–Jesus–whether he has proof of Gant murdering Niceguy. This possibility cannot have been a surprise to him. I refuse to believe it. Edgeworth, I suppose, encourages Phoenix by saying, “Regardless of his rank or title, Chief Gant is just a man. The question is, is he a criminal? I believe the evidence will tell.” Gant himself is stone-faced throughout this exchange, but he’s probably in his mental happy place, imagining Edgeworth’s flaccid dong undulating underwater.