At this, Lana turns her back to the glass. “Mr. Wright. You are addressing the Chief Prosecutor,” she says to the wall, or maybe the security guard. “Do not forget your place.” Phoenix takes this as a sign that he got to her, but that she’s still not ready to confess everything, including what surfaces in his office she and Mia were naked on. Instead, they agree to discuss Gant in a more general sense. Lana says she respected her former partner, leading Phoenix to ask, “Assuming he is respectable, then tell me something… Why would he try to hide his crimes?” Lana’s all, “DURR, his ‘crimes‘…?” and since her act is starting to get on Phoenix’s and my nerves, let’s just skip ahead to Phoenix establishing that it is very likely Gant was in on the evidence forgery in SL-9. Of course, Lana, who already knows he’s right, asks for proof. I will be generous and assume she wants to be sure Phoenix is prepared to back up his claims in court, not just with her. In theory, the evidence list, the piece of leather (or “strip of cloth” as the game insists on calling it), or THE JAR should all be valid to present here, but the only one that works is THE JAR. It doesn’t really matter, because there are no penalties and Phoenix ends up discussing THE JAR FRAGMENT and the leather. Lana looks genuinely surprised to see these items, but this is finally enough to get her to open up. NOT LIKE THAT.

“Touché, Mr. Wright,” Lana says. Phoenix doesn’t know French and is worried that she’s coming on to him, though he should know better. Lana goes on, “It’s as you surmised. I cannot disobey the Chief’s orders…even if it means being found guilty for murder.” I’m pretty sure she’s disobeying him right now by telling Phoenix this, but do go on. She still refuses to tell him exactly why Gant has her under his thumb–it can’t be because he caught her with Mia or Angel, again, open secret, and I’m also sure she wouldn’t care–but she does tell him what happened in the parking garage. “Three days ago…I had no choice but to cooperate,” she says. “Or perhaps I should say, ‘follow orders.’ Yes, that’s more accurate than ‘cooperate.'” Her order, specifically, was, “I need you to dispose of Bruce [Niceguy]’s body. You’ll find it inside the trunk of Miles Edgeworth’s car.” I assume Gant did not need to provide the make, model, or color, because everyone in the entire Los Angeles metropolitan area knows about the Penismobile. Lana relates that her plan was to remove the body from the trunk. “I discovered that murder weapon while inspecting the body,” she says, but she means the actual murder weapon, not Edgeworth’s fuchsia knife: Joe Darke’s broken switchblade. And this takes us all the way back to the problem with Niceguy’s autopsy report and the depth of the knife wound. I only say this now because nobody else will ever bring it up, and it would have saved Phoenix a lot of footwork if he’d figured this out two days ago.

“I couldn’t just leave that knife in him,” Lana says, reasonably, but adds, unreasonably, “so I took it out and stabbed him with another knife.” If her goal was to move the body–maybe to put it in her own car, drive out of town, and dump Niceguy in the ocean–then why did she have to stab him the second time at all? It’s not like she owed the police the favor of leaving a viable fake murder weapon on the scene. I’d say by that point she knew she’d been spotted by Angel and knew she didn’t have time to move the body as planned, but she didn’t, and even if she did, that wouldn’t change how stupid this is. Why wouldn’t she just leave the body in the trunk and flee with the real murder weapon? Even if she were eventually arrested, she would have still had plenty of time to ditch the knife. I gave this whole problem a bit of a pass during Angel’s testimony, but it becomes even more glaring now. There’s no reason Lana needed to hide the switchblade in the garage and not just fucking leave, and there’s no reason she needed to stab Niceguy’s dead body a second time. These things were only done to fabricate a truly obnoxious witness and to put Edgeworth’s balls under the guillotine. Like Edgeworth and Phoenix with Larry, I am tired of this game jerking me around.

‘Oh, now you’re fucking around with men, too? I’LL KILL YOU!’

Lana’s hands were shaking at the truly necessary and not pointless task of stabbing this dead person, and that’s how she ended up cutting herself. Phoenix asks, also necessarily, “And that is the reason for the bandage on your right hand?” No, she just thought it looked fashionable. Lana notes that blood from her hand must have dripped onto Niceguy’s shoe, and that Angel saw her do the deed. As she said at the beginning, she is not good at this. But Phoenix focuses on the one thing that doesn’t really require an explanation: “Why did you need to hide Darke’s knife so badly?” I mean, yes, there is another reason, but isn’t it being the knife that killed Niceguy enough of a reason to get it away from Niceguy’s body? But Lana explains, “It took a lot of work to finally close the Darke case two years ago. It was over with. I didn’t ever want it to be opened again. My intent was to prevent that by whatever means possible.” Sensing that awkward questions would be asked if the SL-9 murder weapon showed up again, she did the only sensible thing: she left it within five feet of the body, “hidden” in a bright red fucking wrapper, and called her teenage sister to come do what she apparently could not–that is, walk out with the knife and throw it in a dumpster. Genius.

He’s never going to get tired of saying that, either.

Even more genius, Lana made one other phone call that day. “The truth is, after I received those orders from Chief Gant. The first thing I did was make a phone call. A phone call to Patrolman Jake Marshall.” Why in the fuck did she call his stupid ass, Phoenix wants to know? And why, WHY, I ASK YOU, does that mean Marshall’s heehaw hopalong music has to make a comeback? Well. “The lead investigator for the SL-9 Incident had been murdered,” Lana says. “I wanted that fact to be kept hidden, and I needed help. He was the only other person I could trust. Or, at least, I thought I could trust him at the time.” While I’m still wondering what possible help Marshall could have provided her, Lana goes off on another tangent, sighing that her Deep and Penetrating Bond of Trust was misplaced since Marshall “went off on an escapade of his own.” Yup: he went through with his plan of raiding Niceguy’s locker after finding out Niceguy was dead. In fact, per Lana, “He had already stolen the ID card…but it seems he still hadn’t made up his mind to break into the evidence room. After my phone call, any remaining doubts must have disappeared.” I feel like I need to reiterate this: Marshall only committed to his plan of physically impersonating Bruce Niceguy and stealing the SL-9 evidence after he found out that the person he would be impersonating on fucking camera had died about ten minutes prior. This makes the fact that he incorporated cosplay into the proceedings even more hilarious. What if Gant had seen this? He probably would have shit his pants, or taken a leaf from Ema’s book and slapped Niceguy’s ghost.

Lana turns her back to Phoenix again. “I’m afraid that’s all I can tell you,” she says. “You’ve earned my respect, Mr. Wright. Both as a defense attorney and an investigator.” Let’s not go crazy, here, Lana. Turning around again, she asks, “Now please… Don’t pursue this any further in court tomorrow!” It would be helpful of her at this juncture to come clean and tell Phoenix why pursuing this is something he shouldn’t do, instead of going, “Well, Gant’s enlisted me in some crazy cover-up shit and he probably killed a cop. But drop it, okay? I’m totally fine.” If she’d been paying attention these last few days, she would know there’s no fucking way Phoenix is going to honor her request. In fact, she should have refused to let him represent her if that’s what she really wanted. But I guess she’s had too much fun being passive-aggressive and coyly acting like she doesn’t want Phoenix’s help when she really does. So here we are. Phoenix blue-fonts to himself, “Tomorrow’s trial… There’s only one way to drive off Lana’s demons… I’ve got to get to the bottom of everything!” Edgeworth has a bottom he can get to in court tomorrow, but it’ll have to wait until recess.

As if the game is trying to indulge my sad fantasies, when Phoenix arrives in the courtroom lobby the next morning, not only is Ema still nowhere to be found, but neither is Lana. The only other person in the room is Edgeworth. Awesome. Edgeworth finishes Phoenix’s half-formed thought out loud: “Something’s been happening behind the scenes…” Yeah, all the other characters are conspiring to give these two some alone time so they’ll stop making a mess in the broom closet. A noble, if futile, endeavor. “Knowing you,” Edgeworth says, putting as much admiration and sarcasm into that comment as he can, “you’ve already figured it out… Who the owner of the ‘7777777’ ID number is.” Phoenix replies he has a “pretty strong hunch,” and I can’t figure out if he means that and has realized what he discovered yesterday was circumstantial at best, or if he’s just trying to play it cool in front of his man.

Obviously Edgeworth has put it together, but he reminds Phoenix of how dog-fuckingly stupid the surrounding legal issues are: “You know, the only reason this trial didn’t reach a verdict yesterday…is because there was still room for doubt on this ID record.” Actually, it was because Lana nearly caused a peanut gallery riot, but please, continue. “If that number does belong to whom you suspect, then no doubt will remain. After all, he hasn’t been officially charged with anything.” He goes on that once “all doubt has been removed,” he can call a verdict and Lana will be found guilty. Okay. So Gant’s ID number cannot be looked up in whatever database Edgeworth has access to because of Gant’s executive privilege, and the only exception is if he has already been charged with a crime. But if Phoenix walks into court and announces, “That ID number belongs to Damon Gant,” Edgeworth and the judge can decide this leaves “no doubt” as to the ID record, regardless of that putting Gant at the scene of Niceguy’s murder, because Gant has not been charged with that murder and Lana has? And Lana would be found guilty after this, so even if it were possible to charge Gant later, as Phoenix wonders, the case would be thrown out because Lana was already found guilty? Why? Why is this game doing this to Phoenix and me?

‘And then we can adjourn to someplace more private.’

In the face of this idiotic legal contrivance, Phoenix instinctively sticks to what he knows: that Lana didn’t do it. “I figured you’d say as much,” Edgeworth responds. “That’s why I came here…to hear what you have to say.” Phoenix is all titillated that they are, for the first time, talking like adults about their shared case, and possibly sharing a Deep and Penetrating Bond of Trust. He tells Edgeworth, “Lana’s hiding something, and the only way we’ll ever know the truth…is to draw it out of her.” Edgeworth comes over here for sexy banter and Phoenix talks about pulling something out of a woman? When they get married one day, Edgeworth will have to write Phoenix’s vows for him. Edgeworth is skeptical about spending their final day in court more or less retrying SL-9, but Phoenix appeals to Edgeworth’s psychological need for closure: “If she’s found guilty,” he says, “you’ll lose your only chance to find out what really happened.” Edgeworth promises to think about it, which is totally a yes in Phoenix’s experience, and they head into the courtroom.

The judge opens the proceedings by bulldozing right over Edgeworth’s traditional opening statement and opening the floor to Chief Gant, who has a “proposal.” It’s probably about Lana, but it could also be a request to distribute evangelical literature in the courtroom lobby. Chief Gant appears on the stand, all smiles and claps and inquiries about everyone’s swimming regimen. Edgeworth impatiently asks what the hell the proposal is, so Chief Gant gets to the point: “Lana…that is to say, the defendant, has asked me if she could speak directly to the court.” Why does she need to ask Gant for permission? He’s neither her boss, nor her attorney, nor the judge. But she did, so moving on: “Having heard what she intends to say,” Gant adds, “I feel she should be granted her request. In the end, it should save everyone a lot of time and trouble.” If Lana wanted to speak directly to the court–and presumably cop to the murder charge, so Phoenix will butt the fuck out–she could have maybe done this two days ago and actually saved everyone the time and trouble.