The Judge asks Edgeworth about the SL-9 evidence. “It’s still missing, Your Honor,” Edgeworth admits, though we never find out which evidence is actually missing — there seems to be plenty still floating around, or getting stuffed into prosecutors’ tailpipes. After some discussion of Jake Marshall’s fate — there will be “serious consequences” according to Edgeworth! — Phoenix finally asks him why he would risk everything to pursue the lingering questions around SL-9. Here is Marshall’s “answer”: “I don’t intend to complain about how it turned out, but there’s something that still bothers me. Something went down at that trial. Something no one will talk about.” Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Only hard evidence will pry open his tight lips, and in this instance, it’s the SL-9 case file.
Edgeworth?
“The name ‘Marshall’ is mentioned in here in a list of murder victims,” Phoenix announces, and I expect the peanut gallery to start flipping their shit that Phoenix can actually read. “Are you related to this man?” Of course he is — Neil Marshall was Jake Marshall’s brother, another fellow afflicted with the need to wear tacky cowboy gear. And it’s not like he was just some random schmo — he was also a gifted prosecutor! In fact, Neil Marshall won the King of Prosecutors award two years ago, somehow beating out Manfred von Karma for the “honor.” I bet there is a story behind that and it’s way more interesting than any of this shit. For a brief moment, we see a shot of Neil Marshall — he’s the guy in the cowboy hat from the earlier still — holding the King of Prosecutors trophy, standing between Lana and Gant.
“Now I remember… Prosecutor Neil Marshall. He handled the SL-9 case before I did,” Edgeworth derps. Marshall adds that Edgeworth only got the case because Neil was murdered during the investigation. Yeah, I can see how all of that unimportant, boring information would slip Edgeworth’s mind. The guy was a victim in his first big case! Jesus.
Continuing the story that everyone here should know — except for maybe Phoenix, but I’m still not giving him a pass — Neil Marshall was investigating the SL-9 case with all the other asshole cast members, the case was at a standstill, and Darke murdered Neil Marshall during a fight. Still pretty nonspecific, but I’m so past giving a shit about any of this. The backdrop switches to a black and white still of Joe Darke. Unsurprisingly, he’s a generic creepy dude in a suit, wielding a knife and staring creepily into the camera. The evidence Darke left during the murder of Neil Marshall was the decisive evidence needed to convict him. Which, let’s be honest, could be that the two men were in the same room at some point in time. Finally, Marshall shares his reasons for doubting the official story of his brother’s death. “My brother couldn’t have been killed by Joe Darke. I knew my brother better than anyone…” he says, unintentionally causing so many terrible fanfics. “No one could have beaten him in a fight.”
Edgeworth openly scoffs at this as actual proof that something shady went down, but Marshall holds firm in his belief that his brother was a world champion wrestler of men. It does sound like pretty flimsy reasoning, but that won’t stop this from becoming a big old shitstorm for Sam to deal with in the next recap. Back to the present trial, Phoenix and Edgeworth feel the need to retell the events that Marshall set in motion during the evidence room incident, which does not need to be recapped in detail. It is pretty cute that Phoenix and Edgeworth take turns presenting the story, though. At the end of it, Edgeworth remarks on the coincidence of the two “murders” happening at the same time, and the Judge brings it back around to the parking lot murder being the actual one. “Which, in turn, means… only one person could have committed the crime: Chief Prosecutor Lana Skye,” Edgeworth finishes right in Phoenix’s face.
So we’re back to this, the same exact point we were at when Phoenix originally called Marshall to the stand. Only Phoenix and the “shit is getting serious here” music act like this has never happened before. I know it seems like forever since all that went down, but it couldn’t have been more than an hour or two for these people. Edgeworth even rubs it in more this time: “Thanks to you, I didn’t need to waste my time disproving the alleged “murder” at the Police Department.” Yes, yes, we get it — Phoenix is a buffoon and Edgeworth is a legal mastermind for tricking him into solving this shit. Big talk for someone who actually thought there was a murder in THE VIDEO until Phoenix proved otherwise.
Sam would beg to differ.
For the second time during this day’s trial, the Judge is about to hand down a guilty verdict, but we haven’t solved the mystery of the big fucking bloodstain or the truth of SL-9. That means someone has to put a halt to the proceedings at the very last second with a non-voice-acted “HOLD IT!” The camera focuses on the various stunned blowjob faces of our primary players until the interrupting party is revealed to be Ema Skye, returned from her angsty breakdown in the records room or whatever. She claims to have a “scientific objection” which is total bullshit, of course. “Mr. Wright. Are you this girl’s guardian?” the Judge wonders cluelessly, like he has never seen Ema at the defense bench before. As an aside, I love how no one even considers that Phoenix’s relationships with his various teenage assistants are the least bit inappropriate — he’s that obviously nonthreatening to them due to his overwhelming love of Edgeworth’s penis. Phoenix is all, “Uh, sort of” like he’s too embarrassed to admit that he can’t do is job without some girl helping him out.
Edgeworth agrees to let Ema talk for three minutes, which is three minutes more than I want to deal with this trial, and which will naturally turn out to be more than three minutes. Over the SL-9 Wrist Slitting Lament, Ema explains that after she had the shock of her life finding out that SL-9 is really the Joe Darke case, she magically realized exactly what Jake Marshall was doing in the evidence room. “So I knew his fingerprint had nothing to do with the crime,” she declares. Oh, bullshit. I mean, sure, let’s say she never believed Marshall murdered anyone because he was Lana’s special beard once upon a time, but no way did she figure out Marshall’s entire plan from a random fingerprint that could have been left there at any time. “That left only one thing… the other handprint!” she claims. Or the big fucking bloodstain. That’s still in play, remember. But sure, let’s go back to the bloody handprint on Gumshoe’s locker, because it actually is suspicious as hell and we know it wasn’t left by any of the dillholes that testified today.
Unfortunately, Ema wasn’t able to find anything new about the handprint, not even after “examin[ing] it scientifically.” She doesn’t elaborate what exactly she did beyond fingerprinting, which she and Phoenix already tried. “Sorry. I guess I’m not much of a scientific investigator after all,” she sighs, only just now realizing this. That could not have been any more a waste of my time. Jesus.
He prefers his ends to be nice and tight.
Oh my God, you guys, I am so tired of recapping this God damn case. I hate being such a whiny bitch when I know Sam has so much worse to deal with — not to mention twice the number of recaps! But fuck it, this is just never-fucking-ending. I’m sure I will change my mind when I get there, but the next game sounds like such a relief to me right now.
Moving along from my tired and admittedly somewhat drunken whining, the entire case suddenly rests on this one bloody handprint, which Edgeworth helpfully points out on the floor plans. Phoenix still has no clue what is wrong with it, so he stalls with another objection, hoping his “figuring things out as he says them” disease will suddenly kick in. “You’ve been staring pretty intently at those floor plans,” the Judge lies, as if Phoenix has been staring at anything other than Edgeworth’s firm body and soft, supple lips. “Tell me… is there a problem with them?” And that random question does the trick. Phoenix notices that something very obvious is missing from the floor plans as they’re currently shown. He explains that the missing object is “something that, when drawn, will completely change the meaning of the blood mark!” Despite Phoenix’s big talk, I’m actually the one who has to pull out the correct evidence.
At this point in the recap, when I have no fucking patience left, the very last thing I want to revisit from this shitty piece of shit case is the Blue Fucking Badger. But fuck me if that isn’t exactly the piece of the puzzle that is missing in relation to that handprint. Everyone acts like Phoenix is off his rocker for presenting that glorified kindling as evidence, meaning they have all somehow forgotten the Blue Badger on THE VIDEO, rocking back and forth right in front of Gumshoe’s locker with that horrible vacant stare. To my eternal gratitude, Phoenix does not use THE VIDEO to demonstrate his point. He simply uses the floor plans to show that while the Blue Badger was creeping people out in front of the locker, no one could leave a handprint on it. Well, not easily and naturally, anyway.
The pumping organ music, such a welcome change from the ear-murdering Blue Badger theme, serves as a backdrop for Phoenix arguing with the Judge over the presence of the handprint. Phoenix can’t quite figure out how the print was left given the presence of the Blue Badger, but he just needs another trigger for his disease. This time, a remark from Ema makes prompts him to realize what everyone playing the game has realized a long time ago: “So that must mean this blood mark… was left there before the Blue Badger was brought in…?” DING DING DING.
At this suggestion that the evidence room existed at points in time not recorded on THE VIDEO, the Judge freaks the fuck out. “I will not allow such farfetched balderdash in my courtroom!” he sputters, which is so rich. But Phoenix isn’t backing down from his totally ludicrous assertion that someone was murdered at a time other than 5:15 PM. He’s super dramatic about it too: “On February 21st… in the Police Department’s evidence room… blood was spilled not once, but twice!” The other time was prior to Marshall’s idiotic break-in attempt, when Phoenix claims that Bruce Niceguy was murdered for real. Disco porn closeup!
Loading ...“OBJECTION!” Edgeworth shrieks. “That’s ridiculous! I refute you!” I’m sure he refutes Phoenix on a nightly basis. He demands proof that the murder occurred earlier, and while it would be totally convenient and logical to have a security camera video of the actual murder…well, I’m not really sure how to follow that up because no one else ever brings up its existence or lack thereof.
But Phoenix has the ID card record, which doesn’t prove the murder happened, it only proves the two possible times the murder could have taken place under this new line of reasoning, assuming that none of the people who visited the evidence room prior to 4:20 PM did the deed. This is so unnecessarily full of holes. To refresh your memory, those two times are 4:20 PM when ID number 7777777 entered, and 4:40 PM when Edgeworth retrieved the screwdriver that had no business being stored in that room. Since Meekins dragged in the Blue Badger at 4:50 PM, it should go without saying that Edgeworth isn’t the culprit. He’s not that fast. Of course that means the Judge flips out again, literally screaming, “Just what have you done!?” at Edgeworth. He must really want to see Phoenix defending Edgeworth in court a second time, too. Even Marshall gets in on the action, so to speak. It’s an addiction with these people.
Did he just cast a spell in court?
Edgeworth and Phoenix both use up valuable time remaining in my life to explain what I just said about Edgeworth not having enough time to commit the murder and clean up the crime scene, which had clearly been done before Meekins arrived at 4:50 PM. “That would mean the crime must have taken place before Mr. Edgeworth entered Phoenix Wright the evidence room,” the Judge derps, meaning we are back at that unidentified 7777777 number. This person would have had at most twenty minutes to commit the murder and cleanup, which everyone must think is totally feasible. Sam will have more to say on this, I’m sure.
Phoenix has to explain to the Judge that Mr. or Ms. 7777777 must have let Niceguy into the evidence room due to his stolen ID card, and chose to murder him there on camera for some reason. The Judge orders Edgeworth to look up the owner of this number, which Edgeworth tells him is impossible because it’s off limits. Does this mean Edgeworth already tried researching the numbers on this list? I thought he sat this investigation out. “The ID number “7777777” belongs to someone with a rank of Captain or higher… Someone who is a so-called “executive officer.” We don’t have the authority to inquire into such a person’s identity,” Edgeworth explains. Like the two rules of evidence, the evidence transferal system, the evidence room security systems — shit, everything about this case — this smacks of such bullshit. Even Phoenix thinks this is totally stupid. But there’s an exception to this shitty, made-up rule, which the Judge describes for him: “If an official charge against an executive is accepted.” This doesn’t clear up anything and is still dumb.
Now Marshall joins the group of people who finds this shitty: “You’re all alike, aren’t you? With your “cover-ups” and your “forgeries”… That’s how the Prosecutor’s Office operates!” Edgeworth objects, all, “Stay tuned for my starring role in a couple of games where I am on the side of truth and justice.” Marshall leaves him be for now, and addresses his next question to Lana. Edgeworth misinterprets his intentions and assumes he’s asking about her ID number, which has already been checked and is not the one with all the sevens. But who could this mysterious bigwig be if it’s not Lana?! This will take weeks to determine!
‘I have never once had sexual intercourse involving a woman’s vagina.’
In this case with all the weird rules, it’s still totally kosher for witnesses to interrogate the defendant. “Answer me this, Chief Prosecutor!” Marshall says, pointing his phallic finger gun to no effect. “In that trial two years ago… Did you really only use legitimate evidence!?” Lana takes the stand as Marshall…goes somewhere else, I guess. Edgeworth is all, “Answer the question, lady,” because he’s still mad about his poor, violated car. And then he totally starts talking over her, like he’s going to answer the question himself and claim everything was aboveboard, which, to be fair, seems to be what he really thinks. But surprise! Lana, having already confessed to murder, decides she might as well admit to evidence forgery as well. This part gets dragged out way too long because it’s apparently a huge fucking deal, but this game acts like that about everything. In short, Lana claims that she “occasionally felt the powerlessness of the law.” After Marshall asks the question again and the Judge has to go “No! Girlfriend, you didn’t!” every time Lana completes a sentence, she finally finishes with, “Drastic crimes require drastic measures… That’s just the way it is. We did what we had to… in order for him to get the verdict he deserved. Even if it involved “forging” evidence.”
After a long moment of silence and a camera trip around the courtrrom, chaos erupts! Edgeworth screams, “NNNNOOOOOOO!!!” like someone just told him fuchsia is so last season. Ema is wildly disappointed in her sister’s disrespect of the honorable and pure justice system. Marshall basically goes “TOLD YOU SO! IN YOUR FACE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!” And the peanut gallery members all strip naked and run shrieking and babbling through the courthouse. This is the most shocking thing that has ever happened in court!
Things are so out of control that Phoenix has to resort to Wankese to explain how the trial got extended for another day due to everyone losing their shit. And thanks to everyone acting like a mental patient, this recap is now at an end! I made it! Suck it, game designers!
Well, that’s my last recap for this game. Despite my endless complaining, I enjoyed the hell out of pointing out all the sexual innuendo as well as describing steamy buttsex scenarios between Phoenix and Edgeworth. I hope I have presented enough hard evidence to convince many of you as well. There’s only one more recap left to go in this game, and I am so sorry for Sam that she has to deal with it. But it’s going to be awesome. Later, bitches!