Edgeworth objects, and in his usual pompous manner asks once again that Phoenix point out the exact contradiction. Sometimes he likes it when Phoenix does all the work, which Phoenix confirms in blue font. Way too many text screens later, the game finally allows Phoenix to do his pointing. As soon as the video starts playing again, I immediately wish I hadn’t been so impatient to get on with this.
Because Phoenix has never before had to deal with moving pictures, Ema must explain the mechanics of video playback to him. Instead of watching this depressing footage on a loop in real time, Phoenix and I have access to basic video controls in order to get to the pertinent part of the video. Now, I know you might be thinking at this point that I have been exaggerating the horribleness of THE VIDEO — after all, I can turn the volume down and I can fast-forward through it, so why all the bitching? Well, let me take you back several years ago to the very first time I played this case. When I got to this part, I knew exactly where the game designers were going with this, and perhaps you’ve figured it out too: the thing that falls out of Niceguy’s locker when his video imposter opens it must have been jamming the lock, and it’s probably the rubber glove that Phoenix found near the locker.
So I rewound and fast-forwarded and paused and pointed at that fucking falling glove at least a dozen times, getting more and more frustrated with this game and that stupid sappy Blue Badger grin and that war crime of a chiptune looping in the background. Since I am still alive and not in prison today, I must have turned off the sound at some point, but my memory of the incident has the music in it, so I don’t know what to believe.
Eventually, I figured out what the game designers really wanted me to point out here, an aspect of THE VIDEO that I deliberately left out in my earlier description. For the entire video leading up to the opening of the locker, the light above the locker is very blatantly lit, indicating that it is open. Plus, the mention of the light in the court record should have been my big tip-off that it would come up at some point. Missing something that obvious and realizing all that frustration was mostly my fault was just salt in the wound back then. Although I could probably blame all of this on Phoenix.
This time, it only takes Phoenix a moment to point at the bright white light above Niceguy’s locker the first time the camera swings over that way. But then he wastes time again mansplaining how the fingerprint locks work — did you know that there’s a sensor that reads the fingerprint data and opens the lock?! — including the part about the light turning on. His tedious explanation is accompanied by a simple animation of Gumshoe’s cramped locker opening while the Blue Badger chiptune continues to play. Murders have been committed over less.
Pot, kettle, Phoenix.
Phoenix concludes that the locker was already open when “Niceguy” showed up to poke around in there. But he can’t just say this while pointing at the spot where I carefully freeze-framed the video. No, he has to replay the footage from the very beginning up to the point where “Niceguy” opens the locker. Then, he pauses the video, and unnecessarily rewinds to the first shot of the lit locker. All of this while the Blue Badger continues to smile and gently sway to his terrible theme. I don’t understand why Phoenix is doing this to me.
The locker light revelation is enough to send the peanut gallery into a tizzy as Meekins asphyxiates himself with his handcuffs. But Edgeworth objects, stating that because the door was closed, the locker would have been automatically locked because electronics. And it’s not enough to just write it off as a malfunction — the Judge tries this and Edgeworth responds that “the sensor would detect and report any malfunction.” Yet this same sensor wouldn’t report that a locker was left open for an inordinate amount of time. Still such a great system. Once again it’s Phoenix’s job to figure out what happened here. Oh my God, who cares why the fucking locker wasn’t locked?
I’m spending way too much time on this when I already shot my wad about the rubber glove stuck in the door. Eventually, Phoenix figures out with the help of Ema that something “jammed the sensor.” He’s the expert on jamming things, so he really should have figured this out himself. Also, as Sam points out, old technology such as copiers from the 80s can detect a jam, but these high tech door locks can’t? Anyway, now is the point where Phoenix has to scan back through THE VIDEO and point at the falling glove — excuse me, falling white unidentified object. By the way, the Blue Badger theme plays even while rewinding and fast-forwarding, not that I should be surprised by that. At least Phoenix doesn’t replay the footage from the very beginning during his explanation this time.
It takes over a dozen screens of text and some more dramatic music to discuss the concept of something being jammed — or “inserted,” as Phoenix words it — into something else, which I would expect most of these characters to be very familiar with. Even with that, we are not done solving this particular mystery. We have to know exactly what was inserted! And how long it was as well as the circumference and angle! Edgeworth determines it must have been a thin insulator (hint: made of rubber), something on which he is quite the expert. Or maybe not. Phoenix must now present this insulator, and I realize now that I should have changed the rubber glove to a condom. After all, this item, even though it was supposedly involved in SL-9, is never really explained. It exists only as a lockblocker. Maybe Sam can come up with a more entertaining use for it.
Phoenix is up for this.
After some more endless discussion and increasingly dramatic music, Phoenix proves to the Judge’s satisfaction (ew) that the rubber glove was in Niceguy’s locker and it was responsible for the locker remaining unlocked. “On the day of the crime, even I could have opened that locker!” Phoenix announces, hoping that Edgeworth is turned on by him right now. And he probably is, but first Edgeworth has another firm objection. He’s all, “Yeah, but that doesn’t prove it was not Niceguy in the video.” And just to be a dick, he forces everyone to listen to another round of testimony from Meekins as to why it couldn’t have been anyone else. Is this ever going to end?
The testimony is four screens of Meekins going, “But Niceguy’s ID was used to access the evidence room!” I’ve already mentioned the piece of evidence that will get around this claim, but before Phoenix can cross-examine Meekins for a third time, the Judge has a question about the ID card record after taking a closer look at it. “Several hundred cases should have been due for transferal. Why were so few people using this room?” he wonders. And this is where things get even dumber. No joke.
Edgeworth explains, “This particular evidence room is only used for storing certain special cases. Extremely violent cases involving police staff.” And due to the specialized nature of the room, there were only a small number of cases to transfer, and most of these were done by noon, according to Edgeworth. The first issue with this information is the fact that the ID card record starts at 4:20 PM even though people accessed the room in the morning, not that a reason is ever given for this. And that’s not even the biggest problem here.
So the police department has a special, high-security room set aside just to store evidence from violent cop killings that were solved. Each locker can be accessed by a single detective (or prosecutor) and the evidence for each case is stored in the locker of the lead investigator. So if, say, Edgeworth needed to examine the SL-9 evidence sometime before today, he would have had to contact Niceguy to take it out for him. And what if the lead investigator is out sick or murdered when someone needs to check on some evidence? Also, why would evidence from Mia’s murder be stored in this room? Do defense attorneys count as “police staff” now? Why would this evidence be in Edgeworth’s locker when Gumshoe was the lead investigator on that case? Why does evidence from solved murders get stored in this room, with its fancy fingerprint locks and security monitors, but evidence from Gregory Edgeworth’s unsolved murder gets stored in a dusty shithole of a records room with no cameras?
Yes, Phoenix, and you are one.
Furthermore, if Niceguy had more than one case due to transfer that day, and some of them were not from violent cop killer cases, did he have to go to multiple evidence rooms to do this? And if so, where are these other rooms? I covered this before, but there was only one door in the saloon-themed security office with a card reader. Does that door lead to a hallway with multiple rooms? If so, no one ever mentions this, and the ID card record lists only people who accessed the cop killer room. Is there a separate security entrance for each one of the evidence rooms? Then why are there multiple monitors at this entrance when the room has only one camera? There are no options that make sense here. Everything about this room, from its purpose to its security systems, not to mention the whole evidence transferal process, is completely ludicrous. And I wish I could tell you that we’ve hit rock bottom, but there’s so much nonsensical shit to get through, and it’ll take more than just this recap.
Ugh. Okay, I just need to get Meekins off the stand. I wish I had not phrased it that way. Phoenix is tired of acting like the default lawyer for this guy — and shouldn’t Meekins really have an actual lawyer to deal with this? He certainly does not qualify for Phoenix’s client list, which consists of personal friends, hotties, and bigwigs. Edgeworth, being all three of these, was really Phoenix’s ideal client. In the words of Sam, defending Edgeworth was like Phoenix’s first heroin high and now he’s going to spend the rest of his career chasing the fuchsia dragon. That sort of explains why Phoenix kept “joking” about Edgeworth being the true culprit in this case — he’s secretly hoping Edgeworth will get arrested again. These two.
Phoenix asks a snarky question about Meekins’s testimony being “rock solid” this time, just to get Edgeworth going. When he presses about the ID card record, the Judge takes another look at it, and the music suddenly stops. Without urgent porno music blasting, Phoenix knows something must be wrong. “A-according to this… Mr. Edgeworth! Your name is on here!” the Judge sputters. Yes, and it was there two minutes ago when you looked at it, too. Jesus, there are only three separate names in that list! The peanut gallery erupts in paranoid pearl clutching over Edgeworth’s possible involvement in this case, which probably arouses Phoenix a bit. The same kid (I hope) from yesterday’s trial goes, “Mommy! Is that man in blue a murderer?” Phoenix just blue-fonts, sweating, “You’ve got the wrong color, kid.” Yes, the main problem here is that someone thinks prosecutors wear blue suits! Actually, this probably does offend Edgeworth.
The porno music starts up again as the Judge informs Edgeworth he’s in for another round with the unsexy inquiry committee. Wait, how is he in trouble for accessing his fucking locker in this fucking evidence room? Oh my god, this is out of control. Edgeworth, for his part, just rolls his eyes and gives his stock response about not being ashamed of his actions. That’s right, Edgeworth, loud and proud!
Back to the cross-examination, Phoenix asks Meekins why the real Niceguy would pull a knife on him if he had his ID with him. Before Phoenix presents the victim’s ID which is in his possession, he blue-fonts to himself how odd it is that Edgeworth missed the glaring problem with this testimony. Setting aside the fact that Edgeworth has allowed his witnesses to present many a problematic testimony, this should be where Phoenix finally catches on that something is up with Edgeworth. Well, apart from what is usually “up” with him. In fact, from the very first testimony where the prosecution asserted that Niceguy was the guy on the security camera in the evidence room, Phoenix should have agreed and asked if his client — remember her? — could go now. Leave it to Meekins’s frumpy, incompetent lawyer to clean up this mess.
Phoenix, still oblivious, whips out Niceguy’s ID card. He mentions that he found the ID card miles away (no pun intended) from the evidence room, in the prosecutors’ office parking garage. Furthermore, he displays the lost item report, claiming — with Edgeworth’s help, which should be another red flag — that it’s semi-hard evidence that Niceguy lost his ID card. “It can only mean one thing. It doesn’t require much thought! The man Officer Meekins encountered in the evidence room…was not Detective [Niceguy], but rather the man who stole his ID card!” Phoenix declares triumphantly. On cue, the peanut gallery erupts.
Edgeworth likes it when Phoenix goes to such lengths.
Once things are under control again — except for Phoenix’s raging victory boner — the Judge asks Edgeworth for a response to all this. “I have only one thing to say to the defense. Bravo, Mr. Wright,” Edgeworth answers with his trademark smirk. Phoenix’s erection is now warring with his confusion and dread. Actually, that’s pretty common for him. As I’ve been foreshadowing all along, and as Phoenix should have known, Edgeworth has just been using him to clear up the evidence room incident. Due to a combination of Phoenix’s inability to understand his job, as well as his desire to show off and impress Edgeworth, he has proven that Bruce Niceguy could not have been murdered in the evidence room at 5:15 PM. Therefore, as Edgeworth concludes after another tedious summary of the actual events, “[T]he real crime could only take place at one location: the underground parking lot at the Prosecutor’s Office! The murderer being Ms. Lana Skye, the defendant!” True to form, Edgeworth gloats some more about the firmness of his case, leaving Phoenix limp and defeated at the defense bench.
So it looks like Edgeworth will be on top tonight unless Phoenix can bluff his way out of this mess. Ignoring the crackling sexual tension between the two lawyers, the Judge wonders about the unanswered questions such as the identity of the Niceguy cosplayer, but concedes that this trial is about Niceguy’s murder, not some stupid break-in and knife attack in the evidence room which is surely unrelated. Ema urges Phoenix to “do something,” and as in most situations when he has nothing left to lose, he randomly yells, “Objection!” Edgeworth taunts him a bit, but Phoenix plasters on his own smug grin and says that he “almost walked right into the prosecution’s trap!” No, I’m pretty sure he did do that. He also does that on a nightly basis with his penis. While Phoenix painstakingly proved that Niceguy’s murder wasn’t shown in this footage — THE VIDEO is replayed again, just to hammer this point home — he still believes the evidence room is connected to the murder of Niceguy. “Specifically, large amounts of blood traces were found in the evidence room!” he says, backed up by shots of the evidence room floor and the bloody handprint on Gumshoe’s locker.