Phoenix puts on his Concerned Boyfriend hat (not a real hat, that would mess up his hair) and wonders if Edgeworth is going to be “okay” for tomorrow’s trial. He could also be wondering if Edgeworth will have the stamina for their usual pre-, mid-, and post-trial activities. The good news is that Edgeworth has not been replaced as prosecutor by the gross Winston Payne, but unfortunately he has been taken off the investigation. “They gave control of the investigation over to the Police Department,” he explains. I might be the dumb one here, but how is it weird that the investigation is being handled by actual investigators? Even Edgeworth didn’t know until this morning that he was in charge of the investigation. Regardless of how little sense this whole setup makes, the point is that we’re supposed to feel shocked and saddened on Edgeworth’s behalf over it. In fact, Chief Gant himself has taken over the investigation personally, which I’m sure will cause no conflict of interest since he is so very not involved in any of this shit. All perfectly legitimate!
Except for screwing Larry Butz.
Edgeworth is all, “WHY GOD WHY” over this, adding in his characteristically drama queeny fashion, “All along, I’ve done only what I believe is right. I have nothing to be ashamed of! But still…” No, Edgeworth, don’t let Gant make you doubt yourself! It’s okay to be gay! Phoenix blue-fonts in worry over Edgeworth’s mental state. What if Gant tricks him into some kind of “pray away the gay” therapy? And then Edgeworth ends up marrying Maya and having six kids?!
In spite of Edgeworth’s turbulent emotional state, Phoenix still sees fit to thrust various pieces of disturbing evidence toward him to get him to open up. He wants to know about this evidence room business, so he shows Edgeworth his neatly printed name in the ID card record. The jaunty porno theme goes silent as Phoenix asks him, in a rather suspicious tone, why he was in the evidence room right before the “murder.” Now Edgeworth’s office playlist switches to the driving porno bass of sinister implications. “Please don’t look at me like that,” he says to his doubting boyfriend and his boyfriend’s heartbroken teenage assistant. He explains that Gant asked him to go into the evidence room to retrieve a piece of evidence from a case that was closed six months ago. The evidence in question, a blue-handled screwdriver, appears next to Edgeworth’s head. This is quite possibly the same screwdriver that April May used to tap Mia’s phone — the appearance and time frame are both right for that. Not that it really matters, since it’s completely unrelated to the current case, as Edgeworth makes sure to note. Gant just randomly wanted him to bring this screwdriver back to the prosecutors’ office at that exact moment and continue to store it there for what is, I’m sure, a completely innocent reason. Edgeworth has apparently learned nothing from the dickboat incident — he is still depressingly gullible.
No means no, Phoenix.
The screwdriver is added to the court record, so Phoenix has a tool that is color coded to his suit now. Presenting the SL-9 knife that was wrapped and stuffed into Edgeworth’s exhaust pipe causes our favorite fuchsia prosecutor to get all quiet and mopey again. “I know you. You’ve probably got a hold of some information already, right?” he demands like Phoenix would have to be a talented sleuth to gather intel on the case that no one will shut the fuck up about. Phoenix confirms that he knows about the SL-9 case and some “dark suspicion” relating to Edgeworth. Yeah, because you just talked to Edgeworth about that shit two seconds ago. “You are the man who revived the worst memory of my life, as I recall,” Edgeworth snits at his boyfriend. Cripes. Yeah, Phoenix is a dolt, but that is just cold — how about, “Thanks for helping [along with the rest of the cast, dead and alive] to solve the murder of my father that I thought I might have committed,” ass?
With the double kick in the nuts — the bellboy plus Edgeworth’s increased buttholishness — Phoenix wants to flee to his office and cry over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Maybe he can do that after he listens to Edgeworth gripe about the accusations of forged evidence in SL-9. Man, am I sick of hearing about this case in bits and pieces. For this third? fourth? retelling, I will once again skip the info we already know. “The head of investigation was the Deputy Chief of Police at the time…Damon Gant,” he reports. Why did no one bother to mention this before? According to Edgeworth, he was “the best” — at investigating, hopefully — and Edgeworth was sooooooo nervous around him. I can understand why — that dude is creepy. Phoenix finds it odd that a deputy chief was involved — and I’m not sure if that is actually odd, or why Phoenix would notice if it was — but it doesn’t matter because it’s not as if Phoenix actually asks this out loud. Because of the brutal nature of the case, Edgeworth admits that he used “slightly more extreme methods,” but he claims that he didn’t cross the line into actual evidence forgery. “I do have a code, and I follow it faithfully,” Edgeworth insists. This applies to his personal grooming as well. The writers didn’t see fit to elaborate on Edgeworth’s code or how far he went for a guilty verdict in SL-9. But the main point here is that this case has retconned Edgeworth into a completely ethical prosecutor, regardless of all the years von Karma mentored him.
So going back all the way to Phoenix reading that accusatory newspaper article about Miles Edgeworth, Demon Prosecutor, I suppose this means that Edgeworth is actually innocent of all those allegations, and he’s just misunderstood thanks to some rumors from two years ago. If so, I bet Phoenix feels like a big dumbass now for going to law school in order to save Edgeworth from himself. Just kidding, he still probably thinks that was a fantastic plan.
And Phoenix knows exactly which hard evidence to use.
Edgeworth, strangely, has a message to pass along from Lana to Ema. I guess even though Edgeworth isn’t allowed to investigate, he still gets to chat with the defendant. During this discussion, Lana wondered if Ema was still scientifically investigating shit. “Of course! Why, just today Mr. Wright and I were using this…” Ema chirps innocently, waving the luminol bottle in Edgeworth’s face while Phoenix looks on like a deer in the headlights. Now Edgeworth is going to think Phoenix is checking up on him. Well, maybe Phoenix should, considering that Edgeworth is inviting strange men to his office. Since Edgeworth isn’t a dumbass like Phoenix — well, a little less of one, anyway — he just smirks at him and goes, “Well then… You might have use for this.” The “this” in question is none other than a sexy fingerprinting kit. Actually, there’s nothing overtly sexy about it, but you just know that fluffy brush is going to be tickling Phoenix’s wiener at some point in the future.
Awkwardly, Ema thinks this gift is for her. “Are you sure? We are the “enemy” you know,” she reminds her idol. Edgeworth is basically all, “Fuck the police.” Phoenix, taking this as an apology for Edgeworth’s earlier behavior and the bellboy incident, cannot find the words to express his gratitude. As much as it pains me to say so, this is not the time for that, not in front of Ema. So Edgeworth quickly hands over the fingerprint powder and the fingerprint files without even saying, “You just sprinkle some powder and then blow.” If Ema was not here, he totally would say this. And then powder would end up everywhere.
Ema, armed with this new scientific tool, forcibly pulls Phoenix away from his troubled boyfriend and back to the investigation. “I do remember seeing a suspicious handprint somewhere…” Phoenix blue-fonts. Gold star for Phoenix! Back at the evidence room, where they actually found two suspicious handprints, Phoenix mentions a second time that they found a suspicious handprint. Nice try, but you don’t get another gold star for saying the same thing.
The specific handprint that they’re about to examine is the visible bloody one on Gumshoe’s locker. The screen zooms in on the smeary print, and Ema prompts Phoenix to pick which finger to test first. Wow, this would have worked so much better as foreplay with Edgeworth. After some waffling, Phoenix chooses the pointer finger, his favorite multi-purpose finger. Meanwhile, in this zoomed-in view, there appear to be a couple of grayish fingerprints over to the side. But we’ll get back to those later, of course. The screen switches to a green grid on a green background, and tapping on the iPad screen spreads the white fingerprinting powder. Wait, what are they actually dusting here? Is this some kind of magical digitized fingerprinting machine? How did they get something like this when the rest of the world still uses CRT monitors and portable radios? Cripes, this game. Anyway, I spread the powder in a line just so it looks like Phoenix is about to snort some coke. When I’ve covered the correct area, the game instructs me to “remove the excess powder.” In the original DS version, this — no kidding — required blowing on the DS screen. Now, I just have to swipe up on the iPad screen which is a lot less weird and erotic.
I choose my middle finger.
With the excess cocaine cleared away, the print is just a white oval on the green background. “But…this looks nothing like a fingerprint,” Phoenix DURRs. Eventually, Ema realizes the handprint culprit must have worn gloves. NO FUCKING WAY. No wonder Edgeworth wasn’t worried about these two dipsticks investigating. Phoenix throws a bit of a hissy over not finding the perfect fingerprint of the murderer on his first try, but Ema has a better outlook since she’s not an entitled dick. She also suggests looking for other prints in the area. Jesus, how much powder does she think they have? But I already gave it away by mentioning the faint prints on the same locker. I get to repeat the same violent tapping process (as opposed to the kind of tapping Phoenix does of Edgeworth’s ass, which I suppose is a bit violent at times) and powder blowing (as opposed to the kind of blowing Phoenix does of Edgeworth’s wiener). This time the print is perfect!
This launches Ema into an explanation of how to match up fingerprints. From what I understand of forensics in the real world, this process takes actual training and time. And from what I understand of forensics in the TV world, this process is completely computerized and amazing to watch, but still takes time. Either way, we’re dealing with some bullshit here. Speaking of bullshit, Phoenix comes across as even more of an ignorant doofus — for example, he is surprised that they need to figure out who left the print — and I don’t have the energy to deal with him right now. The short version is that Phoenix and Ema have to compare the print to one of the files that Edgeworth gave to them. After some more derping on the part of Phoenix, I have to choose whose fingerprints are likely to be on Gumshoe’s locker. This sort of task cannot be left to Phoenix.
No it fucking didn’t.
After I choose Dick Gumshoe as the donor, a computerized comparison of the fingerprints is shown. Is this part of the same magical powder-spreading device? Did Edgeworth give it to them along with the old-school powder jar? Has Ema been carrying this around with her but mysteriously had no fingerprinting powder to go with it until now? This is odd. Skipping ahead, because this tutorial is way too long already, the prints are, unsurprisingly, a match to Gumshoe. This also causes Phoenix to whine because it’s so boring to find fingerprints that don’t belong to a murderer. But he suddenly remembers the one other handprint they discovered earlier. I don’t think this warrants a separate gold star, but it’s a welcome change from his moronic behavior during the fingerprinting tutorial.
Okay, let’s get this last one over with because that’s all that is standing between Phoenix and tomorrow’s trial. Phoenix and Ema head over to the locker with the white cloth sticking out of it. Ema tells Phoenix ahead of time, in order to ward off any tantrums, that the fingerprints from the invisible bloody handprint were wiped away when the blood was. She still thinks it’s worth a try, though. Because I’m just skimming over the dialogue by now, I completely miss the part where they pretty much go, “Check the area outside the bloodstain, idiot.” So I end up tapping around the screen for several minutes, getting increasingly angry over the shittiness of the port, until John manages to figure out that they want me to examine the spot outside the bloodstain where the pointer finger would be. I can’t remember things about games I’ve played before! Jesus, I’m turning into Phoenix.
After that humiliating incident, I have to do a little bit of critical thinking to choose which member of the cast left this fingerprint. The little fingerprint preview next to each character is a good starting point, so let’s skip ahead to the part where it turns out to be Marshall. What?! The security guard in charge of the evidence room left a fingerprint on a locker in the evidence room?! And it technically wasn’t overlapping any part of the invisible bloodstain, so I’m not sure why this fucking matters. But no, the driving porno beat indicates that this is a BIG DEAL. This information is added to the court record, with the misleading comment that the fingerprint was “found on a bloody handprint.”
Ema flips out a bit, and Phoenix lies that “the blood and the fingerprints are in the same place.” I can’t even with this. He goes so far as to call this “decisive evidence.” Fuck this shit. Don’t get me wrong — I would like to see Marshall be put away for his crimes against good taste and characterization — but this is just weak.
Phoenix does not need to hear this.
At this point I’m going to cut right to the trial, because that took way too many pages already and there is nothing new to discover. After spending his afternoon and evening doing God knows what, Phoenix arrives at Defendant Lobby 1 bright and early for today’s shitshow. Over the rockin’ bass of the courtroom prep theme, Phoenix and Ema discuss the current situation which we are well aware of by now. Phoenix does say that both he and the prosecution are “confused” which probably refers more to where they stand in their relationship than to today’s trial. Although that, too, is confusing.
Lana appears just in time to join in the conversation about the “two murders at the same time” nonsense, to Ema’s surprise. I guess she just figured Lana would take the day off. This is the first time Phoenix has seen her since yesterday’s trial, which might make this the first time he’s gone a whole day without talking to his client. Lana addresses this, apologizing for being “indisposed” the day before. She adds that her questioning just finished — so nice of the police to let her have a break in order to attend her own trial.