Both Phoenix and Maya practically break down in Grossberg’s office before Phoenix uses the Black Screen of Seriously, I Am the Worst Boyfriend Ever to spill the contents of his entire private conversation with Edgeworth as well the contents of the conveniently incriminating letter. I’m kind of surprised they didn’t force me to sit through another flashback. Despite what Edgeworth said in the last scene, Maya still insists that the whole thing was just a dream. Grossberg uses some questionable logic here to refute her claim — if it really was a dream, she and Phoenix wouldn’t look so upset and Yogi wouldn’t have a grudge against Miles Edgeworth. Ergo, the dream is true!

Seriously, look at that fucking outfit.

Ugh, everything in this scene is repeated information. I’ll just skip ahead to Phoenix probing Grossberg (sorry) for more information on Edgeworth’s dad. Like the scene in the records room, he’s clearly trying to be a more informed boyfriend rather than looking for something that will help the case tomorrow. According to Grossberg, Gregory Edgeworth was the best defense attorney in the history of ever, and only Mia Fey was his equal. Except that she had boobs, which, gross. “Gregory Edgeworth was very disapproving of Mr. von Karma’s techniques,” Grossberg randomly brings up, like there exist any defense attorneys who would approve of von Karma acting like a royal dick in court. “von Karma is an extreme man. Forged testimonies and evidence are nothing to him,” Grossberg continues. Apparently they really are nothing to him, since we’ve never seen him do any of these things. Gregory Edgeworth tried to win a case against him by pointing out that von Karma was cheating, but lost anyway, probably because von Karma wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise. “[He] died in despair, as it were,” Grossberg finishes, just to be an asshole.

In case things weren’t depressing enough, Phoenix can also ask about Maya’s mom. Did you guys know that the police hired a spirit medium to help them nail down a suspect? I know! Such new information here. We get a short flashback to the actual channeling where Gregory’s ghost fingers Yanni Yogi (sorry) for his murder, but unfortunately this happens against a black screen instead of showing the hilarious (and horrifying) image of Edgeworth’s dad possessing the body of Maya’s mom. Grossberg and Maya helpfully remind us about the insanely stupid plot point where everyone thought Misty Fey was a fraud and I’ve said my piece on this already. But the game designers just can’t resist making things stupider.

“Yet… now that I think about it. It seems the one who lied was Gregory Edgeworth’s ghost…” Grossberg derps, as if he, too, had considered Misty Fey “the one who lied” all these years. Since we’re now assuming Edgeworth’s dream version of the incident is true, Gregory must have known that his son accidentally shot him, and in a dick move, pinned the blame on the other guy. So even though the police were apparently there to witness the channeling (I doubt Gregory’s spirit was talking to himself in the flashback) and even though ghosts can lie, and even though everyone still believed Yogi was the actual murderer, sure, let’s blame the magic lady! She has boobs and a vagina, ew! I feel like I’ve already gone on for too many paragraphs about all the inconsistencies and other dumb shit, so let’s move on. Even Grossberg admits he may be pulling his lying ghost theory out of his ass.

There are no other dialogue options for now, so Phoenix decides to show the actual conveniently incriminating letter to Grossberg (without thrusting it toward him, I hope). Grossberg is all, “Yeah, you weren’t kidding with this shit.” Maya wonders why Yogi would want to murder Bob Hammond, the guy who got him off. “Hammond was a skilled defense attorney. But… he defended clients not for their own sake, but for his own,” Grossberg “explains.” He goes on some more about how Hammond didn’t have a deep, trusting relationship with his clients and only cared about himself or some shit. As Maya points out, only the end result should matter. “Actually, my dear, it’s quite different. He won that innocent verdict for no one but himself. Yogi was a free man, but socially, he was ruined.” Phoenix doesn’t understand any of this, but that’s okay because it doesn’t really make any sense. “You’ll understand soon enough,” Grossberg lies, so I’ll let it go for now because things are about to get dumber.

‘He said he’d call after our last date, and he never did! That bastard!’

Grossberg pauses for a moment in his lecture about the right way to get not guilty verdicts in order to have a revelation: “Wait! This letter… I’ve seen this handwriting somewhere before… a long time ago!” Naturally he doesn’t remember who the handwriting belongs to, so he asks Phoenix, “Do you have any idea who wrote this?” And this is not rhetorical — he is actually wondering if Phoenix knows. Of course we know Phoenix has no clue because we’ve been inside his pointy head the entire time, so it seems unlikely that he would come across to Grossberg as being in the know. Even so, the game presents me with three possible options as to who the mysterious letter writer could be, and asks me to pick one. The three options are Miles Edgeworth, Yanni Yogi, and Manfred von Karma, and because Miles Edgeworth and Yanni Yogi are the token obviously wrong choices, I end up picking Manfred von Karma by default. Even the first time I played, this part seemed like a total asspull to me. At this point in the game there’s no reason to think von Karma had anything to do with setting up this whole murder plot. Yes, he’s a dick, but he has a 40-year reputation of dickishness, and it’s general dickishness toward everyone, not Miles Edgeworth in particular.

So as the player, there’s no satisfaction in figuring out the writer’s identity because it’s just a matter of choosing the least stupid of three options, but if you look at this in terms of Phoenix’s point of view, it becomes even dumber. Presumably, Phoenix is not presented with three names to pick from — he is coming up with a name out of thin air, when we already know he has no idea who wrote the letter. “Hmm… could it be Manfred von Karma?” Phoenix randomly wonders, most likely because he heard von Karma’s name a few minutes ago. I picture him saying this kind of sarcastically, like he’s just naming the person he likes the least at the moment. Grossberg is all, “You dumbass, why would von Karma do this? Oh wait, yeah, it totally is von Karma’s handwriting.” Which Edgeworth didn’t recognize, even though he should be extremely familiar with it. I can’t even with this scene. But yes, Manfred von Karma is the true mastermind behind this whole shitty case. He is responsible for the crime of inflicting Yanni Yogi’s snot bubble animation on Sam, as well as an accessory after the fact in making Lotta a “witness” and inflicting her on me. I guess the crime of ordering a hit on someone is pretty bad too, as well as trying to prevent Phoenix and Edgeworth from having buttsex with each other by sending Edgeworth to prison. “Why would von Karma want to frame Edgeworth…?” Phoenix asks the million-dollar question. If Edgeworth was von Karma’s former student, something really bad must have happened between them…and what if that something involved a sexual relationship gone wrong? Things are looking dire indeed.

This opens up a new option to discuss Prosecutor von Karma some more. Jesus, do I have to? Grossberg points out what Phoenix probably missed when he was imagining von Karma grinning and violating Edgeworth’s alabaster ass: if von Karma wrote the letter, he somehow knows about Edgeworth’s dream version of events. And that just sinks Phoenix further into despair — does this mean Edgeworth confessed the story to von Karma first, during some kind of pillow talk or bondage roleplay? While Phoenix panics over this, Grossberg twists the knife by pointing out that von Karma will definitely bring up Edgeworth’s accidental murder of his father in court tomorrow, and Edgeworth will be found guilty of that murder even if he’s not guilty of murdering Robert Hammond. Hey, if the defendant can change mid-trial, why not the victim as well? And that’s all leaving aside the fact that it was an accidental shooting by a nine year old who, like Yogi, was oxygen-deprived at the time, and shouldn’t even be tried for the “crime” in court anyway.

On top of all that idiocy, Phoenix doesn’t consider for a single moment that he could discredit everything von Karma has to say by showing up to court with the fucking letter. I mean, in this universe, an incriminating letter found in a criminal’s safe is the most erect of hard evidence — no one would be able to dispute it! I would also say that he could bring the letter to the attention of the police, but that’s not the safest proposition with this group of Keystone Kops.

Phoenix is slightly relieved when Grossberg brings up a different possible motive for von Karma. He’s all, “I forgot to mention this earlier when I randomly brought up von Karma’s name, but he totally had a grudge against Edgeworth’s dad.” And now that Edgeworth Sr. is dead, von Karma is taking out his anger on the man’s son. That seems like a stretch, even for epic asshole Manfred von Karma, but Phoenix is clinging to it like a lifeboat in an ocean of tears and lube.

Hee…’blow.’

Grossberg launches into yet more exposition, in a recap that has so far been nothing but exposition. Fifteen years ago, when everything happened, there was something else that also happened. Namely, a courtroom battle with Manfred and Gregory on opposite sides, which Grossberg alluded to earlier. I would be remiss if I didn’t point out the possibility of sizzling sexual tension between them. Yeah, that’s pretty gross to imagine, but maybe von Karma was hotter back then. Probably not. Anyway, von Karma obviously won the trial. “But Gregory Edgeworth accused von Karma of faulty evidence. And although he lost the trial, Mr. Edgeworth’s accusation stood,” Grossberg recalls. Wait, hold the phone. So the prosecutor got in trouble for using shitty evidence, but he wasn’t disbarred, or at the very least, the verdict wasn’t overturned? I don’t know why that should even surprise me in this game. I guess his boss must have drawn a frowny face on his performance review or something. This penalty on von Karma’s record, which didn’t even count against his perfect win record, so enraged the pathological perfectionist that he…went on vacation for several months! The horror! But this was apparently unusual behavior for the uptight prosecutor, and he never took another vacation in his entire life. It shows. “Odd… If he wanted to keep a perfect record so badly… why would he take such a long vacation?” Phoenix blue-and-red-fonts. I don’t know how a vacation would count against a perfect record — it’s not like the number of courtroom victories resets when someone takes a break. At least Phoenix hopes not — he wants to visit Fire Island with Edgeworth for a week when this horrible trial is over, and he doesn’t want to start his career from scratch again.

Now that they’ve exhausted Grossberg’s immense font of DL-6 knowledge and exposition, Phoenix and Maya try to figure out how to salvage tomorrow’s trial. Phoenix insists he’ll do whatever he can to prevent Edgeworth from confessing to his dad’s murder, and I’m sure Phoenix has all sorts of ways to bend Edgeworth — possibly literally — to his will. “Mr. Wright… I hate to say this… But even accidental murder is murder, you know,” Grossberg points out, answering the question of whether or not Edgeworth can be convicted for this, and it’s still ridiculous. Phoenix doesn’t give a shit about legal definitions of murder — he doesn’t think Edgeworth is responsible for his dad’s death at all. “I can’t believe he’d kill someone!” Phoenix cries, referring to Miles’s sensitive heart once again. Maya, who less than an hour ago was convinced this was a dream, is now fully on board with Edgeworth committing patricide. She tries to convince Phoenix, using all the information we learned in this scene about his dead dad’s ghost and everything, but Phoenix is not to be deterred. The only way out of this mess is to find out what really happened, which is that Edgeworth didn’t murder anyone! Everyone has completely forgotten the get-out-of-jail-free card that is the conveniently incriminating letter. Nut punches all around.

Grossberg suggests checking out the official police files on the off chance that they might contain something helpful. Oh hooray, I was just thinking I wanted to find out more about the DL-6 case. I feel like the game designers have murdered my brain. When will a hot gay prosecutor fight against a hot gay defense attorney for my sake? I am the real victim here. Unlike me, Phoenix does not need a break from this bullshit, so he charges right over to the near-empty Criminal Affairs Dept. A random officer tells them that Gumshoe isn’t back yet, but Maya wants to know if they can make another visit to the records room. Officer Nobody doesn’t think this is kosher, but since von Karma happens to be in there at the moment, he figures it should be okay as long as the prosecutor is there to supervise them. Well now, that sounds like a completely safe and legitimate situation for all involved. Charging into a room with no backup to confront a man they know is responsible for a murder plot sounds like a great idea! What’s the worst that could happen?

Hee…’pounding.’

Phoenix and Maya enter the records room, but von Karma is nowhere to be found. Since they didn’t pass him on the stairs, he must still be there, even though dumbass Phoenix thinks he left already. A nearby drawer along the wall is conspicuously open and the DL-6 case file (possibly the same as regular old DL-6), which should be stored inside, is missing! But who could have taken it? Surely not von Karma — he’s too perfect to leave a drawer open and messy like that! On cue, von Karma himself shows up and demands to know what the two of them are doing, like they’re the ones committing illegal acts in here. Maybe he thinks they’re having heterosexual sex, which would be even worse than murder. “v-v-von Karma!” Maya squeaks in terror, wondering if he sucks girls’ souls out of their peeholes, too. Von Karma is all, “Who the fuck are you people?” and then I’m subjected to a sequence where von Karma admits he doesn’t recognize them because they are defense attorneys and thus below his notice. I think this is supposed to add to his general assholishness, but it just makes him look unobservant. Really, this supposedly perfect prosecutor can’t remember two people he saw earlier that day? Even Phoenix can manage that. Sometimes.

As von Karma stands there grinning at them — and this looks even creepier in first-person view — Maya takes the opportunity to grill him about Miles Edgeworth. “A romanticist who could never shed that veneer of amateurism,” von Karma scoffs. “Just like his father. Always second rate.” Ouch. Also, Phoenix bristles at the mention of romanticism — this is more evidence that the two prosecutors did have a romantic past with each other. But he pulls himself together long enough to ask about von Karma’s grudge against Edgeworth’s dad. “Me? A grudge against a mere defense attorney? Why?” von Karma wonders, trying just a little too hard here. “Because he dealt a blow to your otherwise perfect trial record?” Phoenix “reminds” him, like von Karma doesn’t cry into his pillow about this incident every night. And now Phoenix gets to the meat of what is actually bothering him about this whole deal: “Why did you take his son under your wing afterwards? The son of your most bitter rival?” I’m not sure he really wants to know the answer to that. And von Karma just fans the flames by saying it’s none of his beeswax.