And without anyone even agreeing to it, Gant disappears from the stand and Lana appears in his place. “I’d just like to make one simple request, and I’ll be finished,” Lana says. “Your Honor, I’d like you to put an immediate end to this trial.” Again, it is now obvious she is worried about more coming to light about Ema, but given that she didn’t ever think she’d be escaping from this with a not guilty verdict, there’s no reason she couldn’t have spurned Phoenix’s offer of representation and requested this at the outset. “I confess to all charges against me,” she goes on. “On February 21 of this year, I murdered Detective Bruce [Niceguy]…in the underground parking lot of the Prosecutor’s Office.” Phoenix objects, pleads with her to shut up, and when she won’t, he deploys his pointy finger at the judge. “Your Honor,” he cries. “The defendant’s claim does not change the defense’s plea!” Oh, I’m pretty sure it does. Just to make it official, Lana fires Phoenix in front of the whole courtroom. So much for his first paycheck in two months! Edgeworth will be buying dinner, again. To the judge, Lana continues, “The prosecution may lack direct evidence against me, but it has sufficiently proven its case through testimony and circumstantial evidence.” Was this also her standard for the prosecutors in her employ? Maybe von Karma actually liked working for her. Turning away from the judge, Lana requests that he render his verdict, and the judge is inclined to do so, no matter how bad Phoenix’s flop sweat has become. He’s about to declare Lana guilty, when an “Objection!” rings out in the courtroom, followed by the customary whip-’round to see who it was. Except it was Edgeworth’s voice, so this is a waste of time.
“One moment, Your Honor,” Edgeworth asks, while Phoenix probably has hearts in his eyes for his knight in shining fuchsia armor. “The prosecution has not yet proven the defendant guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Any ruling at this stage would certainly be premature.” And nobody in this courtroom wants to finish too early. Gant reappears on the stand to chide “Worthy” for being a stickler about this. “I understand this is a difficult time for you,” Gant says, “but why don’t you just be a good little boy and keep your mouth shut, hmm?” Oh, that is so gross. Phoenix and I are concerned that Edgeworth is going to go all Quasimodo behind his bench and give in to Gant’s demands, but he just taps his forehead with his finger, making Phoenix sweat all over again, and replies, “I don’t think I care for your tone…Chief Gant.” Gant is caught off guard by Edgeworth standing up for himself for once, so Edgeworth presses his advantage. “Creating another fabrication to cover up your past mistakes…” Edgeworth chides him in turn. “Sorry, but I’m no longer the naive little ‘boy’ you would have me be.” I could really do without all this uncomfortable subtext between Edgeworth and Gant.
During punitive organ sessions, Edgeworth is forced to wear his childhood knee socks and bowtie.
Phoenix is all “…” at this exchange because shit is getting real, and Edgeworth is putting his nuts in the guillotine all over again, but this time FOR LOVE. Swoon. Edgeworth goes on, “With this sudden confession from the defendant… It’s obvious to me some kind of deal was struck behind the scenes.” Gant transparently lies that this is not the case, but he can’t bullshit a bullshitter, and Edgeworth says, “Hmph. I thought so. Your Honor. The prosecution would like to change its first witness.” I have no idea whom Edgeworth was going to call before this change, but I’m choosing to believe it was Jake Marshall and that I have been given a great, life-changing gift. Anyway, Edgeworth announces, “As its first witness, the prosecution would like to call…Ms. Ema Skye! I request the court hears her testimony!” Obviously Edgeworth knows to do this because Phoenix gave him the whole sob story of Ema’s arrest in bed last night. Lana reappears and tries to use some boss psychology on Edgeworth, telling him she doesn’t think this is necessary. “I don’t care what you think, Ms. Skye,” Edgeworth responds. Dang! It’s a good thing Lana is almost certainly not going to be chief prosecutor anymore, because Edgeworth is in full-on bridge-burning mode. “The exposure of truth sometimes results in tragedy…” he lectures Lana. “However! No matter how tragic the truth may be, it would be an even greater tragedy…to avert one’s eyes from it.” I am sure Edgeworth has used this same speech, verbatim, to let an ex-boyfriend know his penis is too small.
The judge first clears this with Chief Gant (sigh), who snarls, “Worthy… You’ll live to regret this. Mark my words.” This man has nothing to hide! No shady business going on here! Edgeworth looks this close to telling Gant to suck his dick, but instead asks Ema to take the stand.
A tangent, before I deal with the unholy torment that is Ema’s testimony: if I were the judge, I would be wondering how the hell we got to this point. In yesterday’s trial, as Edgeworth already reminded Phoenix, the one outstanding piece of unexplained evidence was the mystery ID on the evidence room log. So in terms of the progression of the case in court, we were still very much dealing with the present murder of Bruce Niceguy and had barely even touched upon the quagmire of SL-9. And we know that, barring Gant and Lana’s interruption, that was probably going to be brought up in short order. But now that Edgeworth has basically declared martial law and told both the defendant and the chief of police to sit the fuck down, he wants to return to the case by…hearing Ema’s testimony, which will wholly consist of her recollection of Neil Marshall’s murder. There’s a pretty big gap in narrative there! Should Phoenix provide some of his (probably horrible) case notes to the court stenographer?
He’ll be sure to save the bridle for later…use.
Ema appears on the stand, eyes downcast, probably wondering why Chief Gant was so interested in whether she’d ever had a crush on a female classmate. Ema is predictably cooperative with Edgeworth asking for her name and occupation, since she’s in love with him, though she does state her occupation as, “I’m Lana’s little sister, and I want to be a scientific investigator!” No. You are a high school student. Edgeworth cuts to the chase and asks her, despite her trauma, to recall her encounter with Joe Darke two years ago. The judge finally thinks to speak up about this and asks Edgeworth if this testimony is germane to Bruce Niceguy’s murder. Edgeworth is all, “Yup,” and the judge replies, “W-well okay then!” Phoenix, who is really getting his way and somehow doesn’t realize it, sighs that the judge gave in too quickly. But he wipes away his sweat and pulls himself together. “The trip to yesteryear has finally begun…” he thinks. I take it back–he has obviously not pulled himself together if he thinks that is a cool thing to say, even in his head. “It’s bound to lead to the truth behind this trial!” I suppose it’s fitting that it’s this case that provides Phoenix his big epiphany about the truth being more important than the verdict, given that his client is a lady he doesn’t even like, and not a sexy beefcake. Not that he won’t still be a giant baby about the prospect of losing.
Ema’s first testimony (sigh) is an even shorter version of the events she recounted to Phoenix yesterday, but somehow it still manages to over-complicate things. She explains that when she was waiting for her sister in her office, “A man came running in, and took me hostage. Neil Marshall rescued me, but I’ll never forget what I saw that instant!” She flashes back to Darke looming over Marshall again and says, “The man raised up his knife, and…and stabbed Mr. Marshall in the chest…!” Since this is not going to come up, let’s just note that Ema is wrong–Neil Marshall was stabbed in the back. I swear, nobody in this case bothers even skimming the autopsy reports. The judge notes that it was lucky she didn’t come to harm, and here Ema adds that she passed out and her recollection of everything is hazy. Except for the instant burned into her mind that she will never, ever forget, which also could not have happened, and a good thing because she couldn’t have seen it!
‘Can you rate him from 1 to 10? I’m not wasting my cross-examination on a 6 or less.’
The judge asks Edgeworth what any of this has to do with Bruce Niceguy. Edgeworth pauses a moment before busting out his most confident smirk, spreading his arms wide, and saying, “That will soon become apparent, Your Honor.” Phoenix, sweating again, blue-fonts, “You’ve got to admire him for his courage, considering he has no evidence…” Given how often Phoenix has no evidence, he really ought to work on that himself. Maybe Edgeworth has some advice on how not to exhibit dozens of tells every time he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.
Pressing on Ema’s statement about being taken hostage makes the entire narrative unravel further. Edgeworth and the judge take this opportunity to “explain” Joe Darke’s escape from interrogation, and Edgeworth once again says, “We were desperate to get anything on him that would lead to an arrest.” Just a reminder that Edgeworth was not part of the SL-9 investigation at the time. Consistent! Anyway, Edgeworth goes on, “Upon fleeing the room, Darke proceeded to take the elevator. He must have been in a panic because the elevator was going up.” That is an amazing level of panic. I so desperately want to give this the benefit of the doubt, so I can conserve my energy for all the other dumb shit about this case, but I just can’t. Did Darke feel the elevator move and go, “Oh shit, that up arrow meant UP?!?!” Maybe try taking the fucking stairs, dingus! Also, I’m still stuck on the idea of him even wanting to escape, let alone the fact that he somehow succeeded–again, he was not under arrest and they had absolutely no evidence against him. Which Darke had to know after six fucking months of not being arrested. Why, these sound like the perfect circumstances to make yourself look guilty as shit by running away from the police!
‘And Barry White started playing.’
Edgeworth continues, “Then he ran into Skye and Gant’s office.” This is the one thing everyone has been consistent on–Darke ran into the office and encountered Ema–but Ema is about to ruin that, too. “There was a lot of noise coming from outside,” she says, “so I…opened up the door to have a look. That’s when I saw…him.” So now Joe Darke didn’t burst in–she opened the door and saw him, and he followed her? Of course, no one comments on this. The next person to recount this story is probably going to say that Ema waved at him and offered him a cup of coffee and a foot rub.
I mean, seriously.
Cutting to the chase, because I cannot even handle Phoenix continuing to blue-font his surprise at details he’s been told, like, five goddamn times, Ema describes the moment of the attack, after Darke grabbed her. The lights went out just as Marshall jumped Darke, but a bolt of lightning illuminated Ema’s “unforgettable” mental image that didn’t actually happen. She adds that she was interviewed by Detective Niceguy, which Phoenix treats as a critical detail but does not actually end up mattering. Ema does say that her connection to Niceguy is “what’s so scary about this trial,” like the fact that it’s her sister facing the chair is pleasant as a spring day. Finally, she mentions again, “At the time, the words just wouldn’t come out. That’s why I drew a picture.” Phoenix, for once, remembers their prior conversation about this, and asks for more details. He insists, not even having seen it, that the picture “has a very important meaning.” Phoenix just wants to see Ema’s rendition of hardcore gay porn. “OBJECTION!” Edgeworth shouts back. “But the list of evidence I was given two years ago didn’t contain a picture…” He too needs to see that hard evidence. The judge makes Ema add to her testimony, “I drew a picture of that scene once…but it seems to have been lost.”
It really is undeniable.
Full disclosure: I could have discussed this picture of Ema’s before now, because Phoenix already has it in his possession: it’s on the back of the evidence list. I just chose not to, because it’s way more fun for everybody to discover it together. After Edgeworth doubles down that he never received such a picture, Phoenix whips out the list–hee–and goes, “Mr. Edgeworth. This little girl put all her heart into drawing that picture…and yet you still insist on denying its existence?” Phoenix, when you whip out evidence and wag it in Edgeworth’s face, you’re not supposed to talk about a little girl’s broken heart. Seriously, how did he get this far with a catch like Edgeworth without being able to sustain the mood? Edgeworth, sighing and zipping up his pants, is like, “Don’t make me out to be the dick here.” Phoenix waves the evidence list around, expecting everyone to just figure out what he means by magic or mind-reading. When this doesn’t happen, he finally gets to say, “Please turn it over, Your Honor.”
The judge does as Phoenix asks and promptly flips his shit, declaring that there is in fact a picture on the back of two men “wrestling.” Ema’s all, “That’s it! My masterpiece!” So, as for the picture itself, it is hardly a realistic boudoir painting of two men in the throes of eroticism. It depicts two identical, blocky stick figures, one standing over the other and holding a crude, rectangular dildo. It has a more than passing resemblance, I think completely by accident, to the art of Keith Haring, and also to the aesthetic stylings of Final Fantasy VII. Edgeworth ignores the image itself for now and levels his pointy finger at Phoenix. “What is the meaning of this!?” he demands. “What are you doing with that list!?” Busted. Edgeworth haughtily insists that only the prosecutor in charge of the case should have access to such a list. Was Phoenix screwing around on him with Neil Marshall’s ghost?