The camera pans down to show Flik’s group and a team of archers. “[Adolf Hitler]!!!!” Flik shouts. “I want your head!!!!!!” The contagion is spreading! Killing Adolf is practically a public health concern at this point. At least until Dr. Huan can develop a vaccine. Adolf points his sword at Flik and replies in kind, “Foolish braggard!!!!! You think a weakling like you can stand up against me!!!!!” Well, no, that’s why there’s six of them and one of you, Adolf. With that, the boss battle is on.
First thing to note: Adolf is such a badass that he gets his very own boss battle music, and it’s wonderfully menacing and rousing. It still intimidates me, to this day–both because it is great music, and because Adolf is a bad man and still can put the hurt on these probably over-prepared parties. He attacks three times per round, and can attack a single character, the front row, or a column of two characters, with melee attacks or powerful fire magic. Oh, and he has high enough defense that he can dodge a good number of melee attacks and even counterattack when some bumblefuck like Hix unwisely attempts to engage him in swordplay.
‘May these penises give their protective blessing to all who dwell within their phallic barrier. Amen.’
Also, while we’re here, let’s talk unite attacks. Specifically, ridiculous heterosexual unites. Hix and Tengaar can combine their totally straight forces for the Warriors’ Attack, during which Hix leaps forward to escape Tengaar attack Adolf, while Tengaar charges up a big fireball. But due to her poor aim or exuberance at her man defending her from evil, she ends up hitting both of them with it, engulfing her super straight boyfriend in flames. Yup. Even better is Flik and Nina’s combined attack, the awesomely named Groupie Attack. As in their fake relationship, Flik does nothing and Nina does all the work, hurling herself at Adolf in a whirling dervish of flying book belt. At the last moment, Flik feels bad and steps in to steady her, causing her to basically go “MY HERO, <3” and Flik to cringe with the realization that he just made his life worse. Nina is so overcome by Flik’s display of affection that she has to sit out the next round to masturbate and write in her diary. Nina is the best.
After a few rounds of this nonsense, Adolf ends the battle and attempts to run away from Flik’s Straight Couples Squad (plus a man and his dog). But immediately to the west, Bear and his group emerge from the woods to pick up the ass whooping where Flik left off. “This time I’ll pay you back for sure, [Adolf Hitler]!!!!” Bear cries. Oh, right. His stupid fort. That feels like a million years ago. It doesn’t take long for Bear’s party to take care of Adolf as well, though I am sad to report that Camus and Miklotov’s unite is nowhere near as amusing or noteworthy as the two straight unites just described. They just go hit Adolf with their swords together! I was expecting them to jizz rainbows all over the screen. Color me disappointed.
Viki deploys her cock ring attack.
Shouting defiantly, “…..I won’t be defeated here!!!” Adolf runs off again, only to run into Barry and his party, plus Shu and Apple, to the north. Since dogs know Barry can’t trash talk, Shu yells for him, “[Adolf], your luck has run out!!!! You have no soldiers and you’re wounded. You can’t break out of my trap!!!” Oh, come on, Shu. I love him and all, but we know this wasn’t exactly his master plan, here. Adolf seems to know this as well. “Your ‘trap’???” he sneers. “Wahahahahahahaha!!!!!! All I see is a bunch of squealing pigs!!!!!! Barry, right here, right now.. I’ll separate your puny little head from your puny little body!!” Shu shrieks for Barry to be careful, like Adolf targeting him specifically was not something he could have accounted for. Stop being dumb, Shu. And Barry’s not going to hold back–he is not puny! He’s been working out with Hump! Late into the night! Naked!
Barry’s group has to do almost nothing at all to Adolf, and Luc could probably handle this task on his own with just a female meat shield to protect him (hi, Valeria). After only a couple of rounds of Barry and Luc zapping him with lasers, Adolf falls to his knees. Once the battle is done and everyone’s leveled up, Adolf employs his Ellipses of Near Demise to wonder at what has happened to him. “Y, you…….. H….how……… How could I lose……..” he asks himself. But after three consecutive boss fights with 18 different people and a bunch of randoms who fired arrows at him, he still manages to stagger to his feet and yell at Barry, “You little swine…. Who do you think you are!!!!” And then, in a display that surprises even me, after all these hours, he screams, “Why!!!!!! Barry!!!!!!! Why are you the winner!!!!! Why must I lose!!!!!! Is that my fate!!!!!! I can’t die until all of you swine are wiped off the face of this world!!!!!” Jesus Christ. Good thing he’s about to die and I won’t need it as much anymore, because I think my 1 key is on its last legs.
With that orgasmic explosion of punctuation, King Adolf runs off again, and Bear unnecessarily exclaims, “Go after him!!! Barry!!!!! We’ve come this far!!! We can’t let him get away!!!!!” It’s still spreading! It might be too late to stop the punctuitis pandemic! Bear and Flik join Barry’s party, and Barry kicks Valeria and Shin to the curb so he and his five handsome companions can go finish the job and then make out on Adolf’s corpse. Once Barry leaves the screen, Shu orders the archers to follow him to the “prearranged position,” where he’s totally going to spy on Barry’s six-way.
The party fights through a few groups of Adolf’s undoubtedly nerdy fighting force, the White Wolves, before the camera cuts to Adolf, who has reached the end of the path to find a lone tree on the edge of a cliff. “Ugh…….y, you………” Adolf gurgles to no one. “I…..I can’t die….here…….” He keeps walking toward the tree, which has something conspicuously shiny stuck in its trunk. “Have I……really….lost?” he goes on. “Damn!!!!!! You think I’m afraid?!!! You think I fear death?!!!! Fear is a stupid emotion.” Before he can add that it’s the mind-killer or the little-death, he reaches out to the thing stuck in the tree. “A wooden amulet………” he announces. “What’s this doing here?………” A wooden amulet? Why, it couldn’t be this wooden amulet, could it? No way!
Adolf continues to mutter as he screws with the amulet, which he discovers has fairies fireflies stuffed inside. How would one even go about stuffing fireflies inside an amulet? It’s probably better not to think about it. As Adolf releases them into the night, he bitches, “What kind of joke…… Whoever it was, they’ll pay for this……..” He’s not fucking around–the White Wolf who put shaving cream in his hand while he was sleeping and then tickled his face got drawn and quartered.
HEY! ADOLF! LISTEN!
The light from the fireflies alerts Shu and his archers, all of ten feet to Adolf’s right. “Light!!! What’s that!!!!” Shu shouts. “Shoot!!!!!!!” So he sees that tiny bit of light, but he didn’t hear Adolf screaming to himself for five minutes? Okay. The archers do as Shu commands and Adolf gets pelted with yet more arrows. Barry and the gang, now plus Nanami though she could have just joined the party when Bear and Flik did, show up right as he’s screaming in pain. “I’ve caught you, [Adolf Hitler]!!!” Bear yells. Yup! It was all you, buddy. “Now you’re finished!!!!!!!!!” Obviously, Adolf agrees and lets Shu lead him away in chains to await a fair trial by jury of his peers. Kidding! Of course he just jizzes punctuation again.
“Finished…….you say……” he says, not taking note of the fact that he appears to be stuck to a tree by arrows. “Ha…ha ha…… Wahahahahahahaha!!!!!! What are you saying, maggot!!! What are you squealing about, pig! I’ve got the power to take your life, boy!!!!!!!” More White Wolves show up to protect Adolf as part of their LARP campaign, but Shu’s archers take care of them in about two seconds. And Adolf is still not deterred. “My holy war…… Don’t interfere…….. You scum…….” he mutters. Finally, he does the one thing he has left to do, and lunges at Barry, screaming, “Here I come….Barry!!!!!!!!”
This duel with Adolf begins with Adolf, stuck through with arrows and beaten upon as he is, at about 30 percent of his health. That seems generous. And even with that huge handicap, Barry has to be careful to choose correctly or he could still very much lose here. And given that it’s Adolf Hitler, the shoutiest shouter who ever did shout, it’s difficult to determine what each battle cry means. Normally the one with the pile of exclamation points is the wild attack, but you can see how that doesn’t really help here. As a result, Adolf still manages to knock Barry down to about half life before Barry can finish him off. I’m awesome at this.
‘I am so getting some tonight.’
Finally, finally, Adolf flops to the ground. And yet he’s still not dead, for Christ’s sake. He complains that he can’t swing his sword anymore, and then asks, “Barry……….. Why do you fight!!!!!! Why do you wish to destroy me!!!” Barry’s only responses are, “To end this war,” or to use some Chinese ellipses torture. Somehow, “Because you stole my man” is not an option. Barry chooses the former, because maybe then he can get Jowy back, but Adolf disabuses him of that notion. “To end this war? That’s a fairy tale… It’s a foolish child’s dream. Even if you kill me and defeat Highland, you won’t have peace!!!! You’ll have a defeated country screaming for our vengeance!!!” I remain convinced that, when word of his death reaches his homeland, the people of Highland will all join hands and sing “Good Morning Starshine,” but we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
Adolf backs up, spreading his arms wide like he’s Michael fucking Corleone, and giggles, “Hoohahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Hohohohehehehehehahahaha!!!!!!!” God, he is the worst. “Excellent!!!!! Excellent!!!!!! The rumbling in my body!!!!! The thirst that scorched my flesh! It is dissappearing!!!!!!!!!!” Holy bananas, can he just fucking die already? “Hoohoohahahahahahahahahahha!!!!!!! Listen, Barry!!!!!!!! It took hundreds to kill me, but I killed humans by the thousands!!!! Look at me!!!! I am sublime!!!!!! I am the true face of evil!!!!” It suddenly feels wrong to even Godwin this guy. Even Hitler didn’t want to be evil. Also, I would pay Clive like a million potch to shoot Adolf in the face right now.
But with those final words and misspellings and exclamation points, King Adolf falls on his face and is still. Flik breathes, “So….. It’s finally finished…. Did we……. Did we finally win…….” like he’s afraid that if he talks too loud the son of a bitch will wake up and start yelling at them again. Nanami is silent for once, but Shu, all business, says they should go back and let everybody know they won. As they stand over Adolf’s beautifully silent body, the camera pants down to where Jowy and Leon Silverberg are standing behind a tree. I’m so sure they could be standing here, five feet away from all these people in the opposing army, without anyone spotting them. Leon asks, “Is that what you wanted?” Jowy replies, “Yes…….. It’s what I always hoped for, and I want to believe I’m brave enough to accept fate.” They walk away in full view of anyone who cares to turn around and spot them, but no one does. Instead, they all watch the fireflies from Lassie’s stupid wooden amulet float into the sky.
The next morning, Barry and Nanami walk up the path to the castle, where a bunch of Suikoclones and characters who suck too much to do any fighting are waiting to congratulate him. Cocko calls him “really terrific,” like he could ever get back into Barry’s good graces in twenty lifetimes. And right when Lassie and Andre are dancing and Nanami is telling Lassie how Barry murdered that bad man for her personally, barf, Barry just can’t take the bullshit anymore and faints dead away on the cobblestones. Leona orders Andre to carry him to his room so he can sleep it off and have Camus and Miklotov feed him chicken noodle soup.
And since poor Barry can’t even take a nap without his dream visions showing him how little Jowy cares for him now, we cut from Barry’s exhausted body on the ground to a lovely tiled reception hall in L’Renouille. Lines of Highland clones look on as Jowy, in a fabulous violet cloak with gold trim, stands with Jillia, all in white. Yeah, we were led to believe this ceremony happened well before this, and it’s insane to suggest that Jowy got all the way back to Highland in the time it took Barry to walk back to his castle. But, hey, look over there! “In the name of the ruler who holds the ‘Circle Rune’ and the guardian who holds the ‘Beast Rune’,” the minister proclaims, “we hereby accept a shining new flame into the Blight family. Jowy Blight, Jillia Blight, we are here to record the vows made between you this day.” If there were a split screen right now between L’Renouille and HoYay Castle, we’d see Barry thrashing fitfully beneath his blanket right now. The poor dear. Jowy, with yet another new avatar for the occasion, recites, “By my body and by my soul, as the guardian of this place, as a knight and as a subject, I pledge to serve Jillia Blight.” At least, Barry’s tormented soul reflects, he didn’t say anything about loving her. Jillia, also in a new wedding avatar, responds via ellipses at first, but reluctantly says at the minister’s prodding, “By my body, and by my soul, as successor of the Blight family lineage, I take you…..Jowy Blight…as my husband. Furthermore, I confer upon him the title of King of Highland and I pledge to serve him the rest of my natural days.” Just don’t drink any wine he offers you! A little friendly wedding day advice.
He’s marrying a girl in that outfit?
“I pray that you two shall find happiness as you walk together on your new path in life,” the minister declares, missing the clearly strained and tense sprite body language between them. The Highland clones flash their swords in salute, so the new married couple can walk out under a canopy of shining steel penises. Jowy walks ahead, not even bothering to let Jillia keep up, as he muses, “Happiness on my path, eh…..” Yes, Jowy, the minister just gave you permission to keep Richard and Julia as your concubines.
Barry manages to wake from this horrible nightmare before Jillia shoves cake in Jowy’s mouth or Jowy removes Jillia’s garter belt and throws it at the Prick’s head. Nanami walks in as he’s getting out of bed. “Good morning, Barry. Did you sleep well? I was so scared when you suddenly passed out like that,” she says, probably all in one breath. “But you’ve been resting in bed and drinking my soup for a whole week now.” I hope they at least got a cute boy to feed it to him, even if Nanami cooked it. Let’s just hope she didn’t make it extra creamy. “You must be feeling better now, right?” Not after that horrible dream, he isn’t!
The good news is that the Highland Army has withdrawn, according to the often-wrong Apple. But it’s not like nobody else could check on that information. Could this mean that the war is over? We will have to wait until next time to find out. In part 15, Barry will take a trip to Muse to find out that the war is totally over, Jowy annulled his marriage, and nothing will ever keep them apart again. Until then!