“Well done, Twink!” Sean Connery booms. “With the shards you have collected, the Triforce of Courage is now complete at last! We must make for Hyrule, quickly!” Hold on a sec. We’ve got all these subtle clues flying around, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the Triforce of Courage is complete, thanks to Twink collecting all eight pieces. I predict this will be the next wacky online fan theory.

Twink wants to visit Hyrule and check on Zelda about as much as I want to invite Rinoa and Shion over for a sexy slumber party. I try to explain to him that while I would just love to sail around endlessly and complete every single asinine sidequest on the entire sea, I need to do something plot-related or I’ll go batshit insane. Not to mention that Sam will kill me. Twink, fearing that if he doesn’t give in to my demands I’ll spend the next six hours forcing him to visit Mrs. Seymour, Samara, the Pig Lady, and Sue-Belle, agrees that he’ll go to Hyrule. But it’s going to be a quick in-and-out operation. Of the castle, that is. Ew, he’s not referring to Zelda there. EW.

With a heavy heart, Twink warps to the Phallus of the Gods. As soon as he enters the scrotum, Sean Connery starts yapping at him again. “You must show the Triforce piece you have assembled to the gods,” he blahs. Twink looks around, not noticing any gods. Either Sean is just lying to him and trying to seem cool, or these are the invisible, ever-present type of gods. In which case, wouldn’t they be able to magically detect the presence of the Triforce? Well, it’s not like Twink has ever been clear on the whats and whys of these particular unnamed gods, so, feeling a bit ridiculous, he reaches into his tunic and pulls out the tiny golden triangle. For some reason I kind of expected it to be bigger, especially since each of the pieces were stored in chests the size of Twink himself.

The Triforce floats magically above his hand, giving off a mystical sound effect. It would have been funnier and less clichéd if it sounded like a slide whistle or a kazoo. And possibly more fitting to this game. But whatever, we get it, it’s magical.

Apparently the gods approve, as the glowing sphincter reappears on the ocean’s surface. Twink is so enthralled by this shiny butthole, it takes him a moment to notice that the Triforce has embedded itself in the back of his hand. Hey, just like in the other games! I never saw that coming! Holy shit!

Sean makes an orgasm sound, noting that, “The Triforce piece now dwells within you!” Not only is that kinky and possibly the basis of Triforce-on-Ganondorf’s-cock-while-he-rapes-Twink fanfiction, but that has to be the most random use of red lettering we’ve seen thus far. “It is the Triforce of Courage–proof that you are indeed the true hero,” Sean duhs. Man, these crazy plot twists are just all over the place. And all this time, I thought that Abe the Pig Fucker was the hero. What will you think of next, game designers?

Sean blathers on some more about how Twink is just that fucking awesome and legendary and shit before bestowing upon him the title of “Hero of Winds.” I get it! It’s because he controlled the winds with the Wind Wanker in the game called Legend of Zelda: Wind Wa[n]ker! Just like Twink controlled time with the Ocarina of Time in the game called Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and was subsequently named the Hero of Time! Cool!

Heil Daphnes!

Thrilling parallels aside, this Twink is a little disappointed in the title. “Hero of Winds” makes it sound like he’s the Fart King rather than someone with impressive powers. There’s no way he could ask Tingle or Lenzo to call him that in the bedroom. Lame. Speaking of lame, while the Triumphant Music of Triumphant Triumph trumpets in the background, Sean cries, “Go forth! To Hyrule! To Zelda’s side!” Not only is that like the world’s biggest DURR, but Twink doesn’t really feel like being reminded of that task. Well, he may as well get it over with.

Twink rides the golden butthole back to the castle courtyard, where he manages to unmount Sean without any extraneous exposition. Right away, he knows something is wrong. The broken Hero of Time statue inside the castle confirms this hunch. Man, it was so sexy, too. Sean did warn him all those hours ago that Ganondorf was plotting something, and maybe if Twink didn’t have to waste all that time hunting charts that tell him where pieces of the Triforce are buried and then dig all the pieces up and show them to the gods so they re-open the shining sphincter to Hyrule, then he could’ve prevented this mess. Son of a bitch.

PENIS!

Though the secret stairs to the basement are now out in plain sight like Yuna’s asscheeks, Twink still hopes against all hope that Zelda hasn’t been kidnapped. He just doesn’t need to deal with that on top of everything else, you know? This wish is the only reason he gets such a huge grin on his face when he spots Zelda standing in the middle of the phallic sword circle. One thing finally went right today, hallelujah!

Except not. As Twink approaches Zelda to give her advice on her hideous makeup job, she turns to face him and disappears in a flash of white light. Oh no, Zelda was actually abducted?! That’s a first. My head is going to explode if they keep breaking all these traditions.

Ganondorf’s disembodied voice speaks up, calling Twink a moron for thinking the castle was safe. At least I think it’s Ganondorf’s voice. It could be the pissed off Dicku Tree for all we know. But we’ll assume it’s Ganondorf, because that’s the most predictable and obvious option. “Now that my power has been restored, there is no safe haven for you!” he gloats. Shit, you mean Twink is going to have to face enemies wherever he goes? Blasphemy! “I have taken your precious Zelda,” Ganondorf continues, both stating the obvious and proving himself completely oblivious at the same time. If not for the fact that Zelda has a piece of the Triforce, Twink would laugh in Ganondorf’s disembodied face and tell him to fuck himself, preferably with no lube. As it stands, Twink has no choice but to save her, but the task doesn’t have the same urgency as if it were, say, Makar or Big Gay Beedle. If Ganondorf’s goal included getting Twink to his lair ASAP, he didn’t exactly pick the right incentive.

A moment later, Ganondorf makes it clear that he is not, after all, interested in luring Twink into his clutches. Nope, it’s all about “eternal slumber.” That’s death, for those of you without working pretens-o-meters. Okay, so Ganondorf is going to kill Twink to get his third of the Triforce, but he didn’t bother to kill Zelda. Well, that makes no sense — why would a male in this game dispose of the guy but keep the girl? I can only surmise that Ganondorf doesn’t yet know that Twink bears the Triforce of Courage. In that case, he’s too dumb to live. Seriously, hello.

More important than this bit of garbage motivation is Ganondorf’s execution method. This is so awesome and creative, you will hardly believe it. Okay, are you ready? Ganondorf has rigged two Dicknuts to fall through a random hole in the ceiling, plus a circle of fire to prevent Twink’s escape. Good job plugging up that security hole, castle builders. I’d just like to point out that I have already, in this recap alone, fought about sixty million God damn Dicknuts. I know I’ve fought more, say, ChuChus than Dicknuts during that time, but ChuChus don’t regularly violate me in the ass and make me cry. So I’m quite bitter about this turn of events. I wish a thousand Tiduses upon the game designers’ houses. Even that would be too kind.

Twink feels the same way as I do. At one point, he kind of enjoyed the idea of being pursued by large dudes wielding massive phallic objects, but by now, he’d rather see a tiny, limp wang. Yes, that’s how traumatized Twink is by this constant onslaught. He needs the Healing Light of Cock to make it all better. Fanfiction writers, you know what you have to do.

The only good point about the current fight is the downright fabulous attire of these Dicknuts. They aren’t your average gray, gold, or even black Dicknuts. These guys have red decorative armor, complete with elaborate ornamental designs, helmets with large, curving crests, and, best of all, long, flowing capes. Twink is in awe. But still pissed off. Don’t forget that.

In addition to the usual “slash off the armor, flail around madly with sword” technique, Twink must also use his flaming arrows to burn the capes off these fuckers’ backs. What a waste. That’s almost as depressing to Twink as being in a giant fiery sphincter with two grunting asshats who enjoy swinging large penisy objects at his face.

I’m not going to lie and say I’ve actually improved after having to fight the aforementioned sixty million Dicknuts. No, that would imply that I have at least a tiny bit of gaming talent. Let’s not be silly. But Twink manages to defeat them without having to use any healing items or fairies, so it could be worse. Hopefully the game designers won’t show me just how it could be worse. And maybe there won’t be any lesbian innuendo in the next FFX-2 recap.

Twink heads back to the main floor, where the electrical beams that block the front door magically disappear. Just like before when Twink beat all those Moblins and Dicknuts. The presence of those beams must depend on the presence of Dicknuts in the castle. Or else the game designers didn’t want to let me exit the castle and skip that fabulous Dicknut Surprise they had planned. Twink runs across the bridge toward the gatehouse. You’ll remember the giant, homophobic barrier that blocks Twink from the lovely green fields beyond the castle. Now that he has the re-sparklied Masturbator Sword, he can chop through it like it’s a crowd of screeching fangirls.

The barrier can’t just disappear quickly and allow me to end this recap. Nope, there has to be a big ol’ dramatic cut scene where the whole barrier — which surrounds the entire castle, apparently — turns black and shatters. Unlike every other game in the universe, this does not, in fact, signal the start of a random battle.

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Twink finally gets to see what’s beyond the bridge. A beautiful, idyllic path stretches out before him, complete with lovely trees, cliffs, and the aforementioned green fields. But Ganondorf’s vile hand has stained this paradise as well. What, you thought we’d get to the next part without more battles? Not in this game! Three Peahats, two red Chus, two Moblins, two Keese, and ANOTHER GOD DAMN JIZZLICKING DICKNUT GRRRRRRRRRRR fall beneath Twink’s assortment of weapons. Jesus Herbert Christ.

OMG FORESHADOWING

Near the end of the path, Twink encounters a series of spots where the path drops off. Luckily, someone thought ahead and stuck some moneyshot targets on the arches over the path so that Twink can cross these gaps. How considerate! The broken path leads directly into “Ganon’s Tower,” the main room of which is a series of four walkways stretching over a lava pit. A truly daring departure from the usual bad guy lair. You know, I’m not sure why the only road from the front gates of Hyrule Castle leads directly to Ganon’s (or Ganondorf’s) tower. You’d think that might be a problem for the former denizens of Hyrule. And the king, for that matter. Maybe if he and his ancestors had built the road around the stupid tower instead of through it, King Daphnes wouldn’t currently be a talking boat. Just a thought.

And that’s where I’m going to leave you because is that an awesome cliffhanger or what? It’s really up to Sam whether she wants to finish the remaining bazillion sidequests or take on the mind-shattering delights of Ganon’s Tower. If she doesn’t just finish the whole freaking game, then I’ll see you in Part 12!