This whirlwind allows Twink to get to an even higher level of the room, so for now he abandons Makar like last month’s Playgirl and floats upward to a new room with six Armhos. Killing all of them nets Twink a small, flaccid key. He then returns to the central area and floats down to the alcove with the two Armhos Knights to kill them again. Now it’s time to wait for Makar to arrive.
Easier said than done. Makar must ride the updraft from the fan all the way up to where Twink is. The fan turns on and off at intervals, and if Makar doesn’t time things right he’ll either lose the updraft or run out of magic to power his leaf-propeller, and both scenarios end in Makar tumbling back to the bottom, and occasionally getting chopped up in the blades of the fan. By “occasionally” I mean “there should be nothing left of him by now.” Makar getting grated like a ginger root is basically this dungeon’s answer to chucking Medli into a wall. You laugh and you feel a little dirty for it, but you know everyone else who’s done it is right there with you.
Loading ...Some time later, Makar arrives, battered and cut, at Twink’s side and the two of them continue into the room from before with the Wind God’s Aria tablet in it. Twink has to clear out the room again, because God forbid anything happen to helpless little Makar, but with a minimum of screaming or controller-throwing Twink and Makar get to the tablet and play their little love song. They’re like Captain and Tennille. And I’m not even going to figure out which one of them gets to be Tennille. Anyway, the tablet crumbles and reveals another door.
The door bars itself as Twink and Makar enter, a sign that nothing good can be coming of this. The other sign would be the three Dicknuts standing in a line in the middle of the room. The two on either end are normal enough Dicknuts, but the one in the center looks to be a little more important, because he gets the fabulous jet black armor. Hot. Of course, it doesn’t fight any differently than the other two, so Twink just has to hack and slash his way through them as usual. I would complain, but I know there’s a Triforce Chart still to be found that will require Twink to fight ten of these fuckers at once a few dozen times, so I’ll shut up. Besides, this fight has the added benefit that Makar gets to witness Twink bravely staving off three muscular devil monsters. This will no doubt make Makar swoon for his studly boyfriend. Bonus!
Defeating the Dicknuts opens a side alcove with the Big Key chest in it. This is a much more exciting key than those lame small keys, to be sure. Twink nabs the key, grabs Makar (probably with some ideas on what to do with both of them) and returns to the fan room. Thank God, this dungeon is almost over! And then it’s nothing but gay orgies on a pile of Rupees and Joy Pendants! …Um, for Twink, not for me.
Now Twink and Makar jump together to the area underneath the giant fan. Makar is relieved that his man is here to protect him from bodily harm now, but he doesn’t realize that being carried overhead by Twink puts him at just the right height to be sliced up by the fan again. Oops.
After Makar gets a couple bandaids, it’s on to the next room, which is accessed by a door under the fan. On the map, however, the door appears to be on the same level as the doors above the fan. Those tricksy game designers!
These rooms just keep getting better and better. This one is inhabited by another summoning Jizzrobe and two, count ’em two, Bone Daddies. Nothing like having a two Bone Daddies pound Twink in the backside while he’s trying to send arrows down the Jizzrobe’s throat. The mystery of this game’s E rating continues. After the monsters have been taken care of and the switch opening the doors has been thrown, Twink wastes more time in the name of completionism and moneyshots around the room, pulling down stone heads and killing Bokoblins in order to get a Treasure Chart. This is probably really boring for Makar, but it probably won’t seem so bad after he’s been in the bottom of this dungeon praying to the Masturbator Sword for five hundred years.
Next room. Almost done. Almost done. This room is kind of like a catwalk, with two spiraling wind gusts separating one side of the room from the other. Twink clears out the monsters and then Makar flies over the gusts to plant a tree on the other side. This stops the wind. I wonder how, exactly, planting a tree works as a switch. Does the weight of the trunk trigger a pressure switch? Does the room have a sensor that alerts it to any sprouting phalluses? See, these are the really important questions. Only not.
One more room to go, and it’s a nasty one. There are no monsters–only some blade traps, some metal boxes, and two fans blowing whirlwinds directly at the entrance. Basically the boxes must be arranged to both block the dangerous traps and to create a bridge between this part of the room and the area with the door to the boss chamber. Most importantly, Twink has to carry Makar through this annoying area, and even when I have the crates lined up exactly as they need to be, the first blade trap (the one that must be left unblocked for the setup to work) still cuts into Twink and Makar quite a bit, because Twink is a lard-ass and even without his heavy boots on doesn’t move quickly enough to get past the thing in an expedient manner.
Much frustrated yelling and TV-punching later, Twink and Makar have made it past the fans and now stand before yet another tablet depicting the Wind God’s Aria. Like Jeanne said, I have no idea why they still need to validate the identity of the Wind Sage at this point, but whatever, it’s just an excuse for Twink and Makar to make beautiful music together. Like that.
The room beyond the tablet contains the yellow warp jar and a whole lot of pots with Rupees, hearts and fairies. And Twink could sure use all of them, after that ordeal in the last room. Sweet Jesus on a graham cracker. Twink leaves Makar to pass the time with a magazine or something while he deals with the boss.
The lowest chamber in the Wind Temple, for some reason I can’t even begin to comprehend, has been filled with sand. And to Twink’s horror, when he jumps down to the level of the Masturbator Sword’s stone seal, sand begins to pour in from Lord knows where and cover up that seal. Because it is Evil Sand. Evil Sand that has now gotten in poor Twink’s panties boots. And out of that Evil Sand bursts…well, let’s call it a study in contrasts.
The boss, Molgera, is a gargantuan sandworm. “A-ha!” I can hear you all crying. “It is a penis!” Not so fast. Molgera the Penisy Sandworm also has a gaping, flapping mouth. A mouth that resembles something Twink doesn’t dig at all. In fact, it kind of ruins the excitement of facing a penis monster in the first place. Molgera, in short, is one sexually confused denizen of evil.
O-kay!
It gets weirder. Once the boss battle starts, Molgera buries itself in the sand and sticks its mouth out tantalizingly for Twink. Obviously Twink won’t be tempted by this sandy vagina, so it also sticks out its practically anatomically correct penis of a tongue. The tip of it is even a different color, making it look like a head. Twink has to use his penisy Moneyshot to grab this penis-tongue and slash it with his penisy sword, at which point the penis-tongue emits a yellowish-green ooze. Wow. Further, Molgera sends smaller versions of itself–think of them as detached tentacles, if you like–to harm Twink. These must also be slain using the Moneyshot and the Masturbator Sword. In other words, this is a battle rife with phallic imagery, but it is also punctuated by one of the nastier vaginas Twink has had to deal with–a vagina, in fact, that will swallow him if he gets too close. And Twink has no desire to go back to the womb.
When Molgera finally cries out in high-pitched pain for the last time, it flies up out of the sand in a drama queeny fashion and turns back into the Evil Sand whence it sprung. The rest of the Evil Sand recedes with its master, leaving only the Good Sand and a full Ass Container behind. Twink hops up and down in delight, or maybe he’s trying to shake the sand out of his buttcrack.
Makar now enters the room and whips out his fiddle and bow. Twink nods knowingly, and with the Masturbator Sword in the center of the seal, Twink conducts and Makar begins to play. Fabo the Ghost joins in to give the song that extra zing, and I’m surprised the Triforce symbol and the Masturbator Sword don’t just explode with rainbow power right now.
The song completed, Fabo returns to his place deep in Makar’s soul or wherever the hell it is he’s been hiding, and Twink holds up his sword, which is now glowing bright white. Aww, I was hoping the hilt would fan out in an even more fabulous way. Ripoff! The Disembodied Item Describer tries to play this up as a momentous occasion, but the Masturbator Sword, though shining and fabulous, just doesn’t look different enough to make it an event.
Makar, now fully awakened in his Sageness, states the obvious for Twink and announces that the Masturbator Sword is now fully awesome again. “…And my ancestors are most satisfied,” he adds. Someday, when the new hero needs to power up this sword, the Wind God’s Aria will be known as Fabo’s Orgasm. The legend begins here.
Makar sighs in his cute way that he will stay down here in Downerville and keep praying to the gods. Twink really, really does not want to leave him here, but he’s also sick to death of this dungeon and can’t wait to get out. It kills him inside, but he waves goodbye to his bestest boyfriend and steps into the light to return topside. “May the winds of fortune be at your back,” Makar says as a farewell. Oh, what a little tease.
At the shore of Gale Isle, Twink finds Sean Connery deep in conversation with the local DickFish. “…I see,” he’s saying. “So…the Forsaken [Fucking] Fortress has already…” DickFish confirms that the FFF is now completely empty, “like a molting snake that casts off its dead skin!” Wait, that makes no sense. “That place is so empty and quiet…” he adds, “one can almost hear the echo of dead leaves falling to the cold, cracked ground!” I’d say “almost” is right, since, you know, there aren’t any trees at the Forsaken Fucking Fortress. Good job, writers.
Sean, apparently, is having an angst fit over this, and DickFish tells him to be fucking happy already before diving back into the water at Twink’s approach. Sean repeats this information for Twink’s benefit, because he just can’t fucking help repeating everything, and postulates that this eerie silence on Ganondorf’s part could bode badly for Zelda, stuck down in underwater Hyrule. Well, if you wanted to light a fire under Twink’s ass, mentioning a girl in danger probably isn’t the best method. Still, it’s now time to start finding the pieces of the Triforce of Courage, and Twink can very much get into the idea of obtaining the land’s Ultimate Shiny for his collection.
I am completely exhausted from that deadly dull dungeon, so I will be leaving you here. In part ten Jeanne will be back to guide you through the totally fun, engaging and rewarding activity of finding more Triforce charts and spending all Twink’s money just to get them read! You can hardly wait!