Soon, the two of them emerge into a vast underwater air bubble. Sean continues to drift downward magically through the air, past a stone Triforce statue with wings. The wings represent how the game designers can fly after a few hits of the old bong. The shot changes to a monochromatic castle just bristling with penis-shaped towers. It’s like it was designed especially for Twink! Sean finally comes to rest in a pond which, when the camera pulls out, looks to be in some courtyard in the back. It’s halfway up the damn castle, nestled in among the wangs.
We now see the surrounding countryside, also with the color leeched out of it, like someone got all pretentious with the grayscale mode in Photoshop. More random shots so that we get that, yes, this magical desaturated land is far, far beneath the sea in a magic bubble. Kind of like the game designers when they smoke their crack. Twink gets off Sean Connery, the two of them as bright as painted whores in this drab castle.
“You are probably wondering where we are, aren’t you?” Sean Connery asks. Actually, Twink was wondering whether the gray surroundings make his peaches-and-cream complexion look like a corpse. But sure, knowing where the hell they are would be good, too. Whatever. “Unfortunately, there is not enough time for me to explain it to you now…” Sean pulls out of his ass, being a total tease. He promises to tell Twink that they’re in freaking ancient Hyrule (that’s a SPOILER!!!!!!) just as soon as Twink beats Ganon’s ass using an item retrieved from the castle. Wow, what on earth could Twink possibly use to defeat the King of All Evil? Why, this special item must be really neato. I bet it’s even better than the Master Sword that he obtains in pretty much every God damn game. What is it?!
Twink is pissed off that Sean Connery has to be such a stingy jerk with his information, but the only things he can do right now are a) enter the castle and b) sail around all creation some more. Boy, that second choice sounds very unfabulous. The castle it is!
Twink enters through the back door, immediately noticing that the interior is just as washed out and dull as the exterior. In the center of the room, up on a pedestal, the statue of a young man in gay Legolas clothing holds his sword aloft for the world to see. He looks familiar, but I can’t quite place him. The camera examines every crevice of the room, showing a veritable assload of Moblins and Dicknuts which appear to be frozen in time. Thank God — can you imagine how much that would suck if all those fuckers were alive?
The last couple of “LOOK AT THIS!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!” shots involve two portraits. One is of a kingly fellow in a crown and robes. I am going to go way out on a limb here and guess that he’s the king. This kind of intuitive thinking can only be developed by years of recapping. The other picture shows a young woman in a princess dress, surrounded by an assortment of men in typical foppish court clothing. And in what must be the hugest coincidence ever, these dudes are total doppelgangers of Tetra’s ass pirate crew. And the princess looks like Tetra. Man, Twink is totally going to have to tell those guys about this picture when he sees them next. What a freaky coinkydink!
Oh, and there’s one more shot of the statue, so that we can all swoon over the Hero of Time’s overwhelming gayness. As soon as Twink makes his way down a couple of staircases and ends up on an area in front of the statue with three randomly placed triangular blocks and a Triforce symbol in the center, Sean Connery decides to give Twink more information that he absolutely could not manage to share a minute ago. Except he totally did tell me all the shit in his first sentence: “The item you seek is hidden somewhere in this castle.” Also, water is wet and Tingle is gay. According to Sean, this completely secret and unknown item is actually in the basement of the castle, but it’s up to Twink to find the entrance. Now this is getting ridiculous. “But…that entrance has been blocked by a mighty threshold, firmly sealed to prevent evil from ever gaining access,” Sean says like it’s some kind of magical chastity belt. “Do you know where to search and what you must do to open the hidden way?” he asks retardedly. Twink wonders if a Tingle bomb could blast Sean to pieces and if so, how Twink could get home. Is there a Big Gay Beedle in the vicinity?
Twink bites back a sarcastic reply to Sean’s lame question, allowing Sean to answer it himself: “You will find a clue in the shape of the herald near where we arrived at the castle.” Oh for — it’s the fucking Triforce, Sean. Dogs know it. Just call it the damn Triforce already.
Well, the solution to this completely mind-boggling puzzle is for Twink to push the triangular blocks around until they line up with the Triforce symbol in the center of the floor. The biggest challenge here is dealing with the irritating camera as it develops a Twink ass fetish. Obviously, the real reason this kingdom went extinct is that its inhabitants were extraordinarily dumb. I mean, this depressingly easy puzzle managed to keep them out, so what the hell does that say? I’m just kidding of course — our own society has proved that not only does stupidity survive, but it flourishes.
When Twink at last solves this mindbender, there’s some Triforce-y glowing, and then the Hero of Time statue starts vibrating. Wait a minute, the item is actually a giant Twink-shaped vibrator? This game just got good! Oh wait, the pedestal just moves aside, revealing a staircase leading down. Damn it. At the bottom of the stairs, Twink finds a chamber full of stained glass windows which, unfortunately, suck ass because they contain less color than the students at my private Midwestern alma mater. Twink also catches a glimpse of some burly suits of armor surrounding a central dais, but Sean Connery’s jarring voice breaks into his reverie. “Excellent, Twink. To perceive such a puzzle and decipher it is no small feat.” At this point, Sean is officially barred from watching me play Myst, as I would probably drown in the amount of spooge launched forth from this easily impressed asshole. Okay, I realize that I just brought up Myst for the fifty hundredth time this recap, but you have to understand — I haven’t really been doing anything else lately. I have been dreaming of it at night. I can’t get away! Jeez, at least I’m not making Bush jokes. You guys are so hard to please.
Now that Twink is Master Brain of Planet Brainiac, Sean invites Twink to pull out the sword in front of him. No, not that sword, Twink. Put that away. “It is none other than the Master Sword… The blade of evil’s bane,” Sean announces. And that’s not “S Words” in this case. Once I take a split second to get over my non-shock at this non-revelation, I realize that I’m going to have to call it…the Masturbator Sword. I’m sorry folks, I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but…it does. The Masturbator Sword.
Twink approaches the monochrome sword, as always stuck point down in its block of stone. He eyes it uncertainly for a moment, then reaches out a tentative hand to stroke it. Gaining some confidence from this, he wraps both hands around it and tugs like he’s trying to milk the damn thing. He strains and grunts, pulling harder and harder until it comes out with a satisfying glow. At this moment of climax, the suits of armor surrounding the dais lower their massive swords, one by one, honoring Twink as he becomes a man.
PENISES!
A glowing white light appears where the tips of the swords cross in the center, glowing bigger and brighter until Twink has to cover his eyes. The screen goes dark then, probably another one of those tricks to ensure the E rating — although how the previous scene made it through is really beyond me.
The view switches to the upstairs hall. Whew, I got the Masturbator Sword — I am SO outta here! But wait — what’s that creeping slowly over the floor? It looks like someone got out the photo paint. I watch in horror as the entire castle regains its color, coming back to life. That includes every fucking Moblin and Dicknut in the place as well. To add insult to injury, the camera dickheadedly lingers over pretty much every one of them, rubbing my face in my misfortune. Ah well, I should be able to make a run for it at least, right?
Downstairs, Twink still has no idea of all the shit going down. He just thinks the stained glass windows are pretty darn fabulous. Grunting a bit, he takes a moment to ogle the knights with their erect swords. Then, with a huge grin on his face, he holds up his own…less impressive sword. Aw, what the hell — it doesn’t have to be big to receive pleasure, right? Thrusting the sword this way and that, Twink strikes a pose so that the Disembodied Item Describer can give us the lowdown on the Masturbator Sword. Hint: it’s still the same as in every game. Fights evil and all that. More powerful than the first sword Twink gets.
Twink heads upstairs, still basking in the afterglow and unaware of the potential nonconsensual action that awaits him. He finds it odd that the hero statue moves back over the staircase, but just shrugs it off. Until he notices a lusty Dicknut and Moblin clamoring for his ass, pointy weapons extended. Eep! Twink runs up the stairs, hoping to lose them, but when he turns the corner, he just sees more of them. Shit, he’s trapped!
Twink enjoys having men after his ass, but this is ridiculous. Not only do these guys have absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever, but they smell like they haven’t showered in weeks. Like, ew. In a horrible turn of events, Twink can’t simply hightail it out the door — some asshole blocked off both entrances with electricy laser things. No fair! Being the wielder of the Masturbator Sword sucks all kinds of rocks.
Twink spends the next fifteen thrilling minutes clearing every last Moblin and Dicknut out of the main chamber. Jesus. I admit I do enjoy hacking and slashing at stuff, but even I have my limits. And…well, there’s really nothing else to recap about that. Sure, I could come up with some creative way of making this part as interesting as the missing Squall/Seifer scene in FFVIII, but I think I exhausted my quota of bullshitting back at the Phallus.
Now that Twink has proven his worth or whatever all those God damn battles were supposed to accomplish, the laser beams disappear. Just for kicks, Twink heads out the front door, running like a spaz across the stone bridge. He makes it about halfway across before colliding with a semi-visible barrier. From what I can tell, the entire castle is surrounded with this anti-homosexual barrier, so Twink can’t go frolicking through the countryside. Alas.
I’m sure all the fascinating exposition about the barrier will be heaped upon Twink at a later time, hopefully not on my recapping turn. Given this reprieve, I steer Twink through the back door, back into the conversational clutches of that jabbermouth Sean Connery. Using four times more words than necessary, he tells Twink to hop on and steer him into the glowy circle in the pond. Which is also quite obvious, as there is nowhere else to go. Shut up, Connery. Go <3 boobs or something.
“The time has come to save your sister from her prison in the Forsaken Fortress! Hurry, Twink!” Sean freaks, like his jibber-jabbering hasn’t been a major delay in the process. Also, Twink’s pees his pants a little bit when he hears the name of that place that metaphorically raped years off his life earlier. Sure, he always knew he’d have to go back to get his sister, but he kind of hoped that maybe by taking his sweet time that the problem would solve itself or something. Like maybe Valoo could get his fat ass over to the fortress and take care of it. Stupid lazy dragon.
Twink heads into the glowy circle aboard Sean and rides the phallic light beam up to the scrotum. Between the phallic light beam underwater and the phallic tower above the water, Twink is surrounded by a smorgasbord of penises. Pardon me for stating the obvious in this game — I’m just trying to be descriptive and stuff.
The glowy circle disappears, meaning that Twink can’t just return to the castle willy-nilly to set up a second base of gay orgiastic operations. Damn it. Even though Sean acted all urgent and shit, he doesn’t have a problem with Twink taking yet another of his famous detours, this time to Eastern Fairy Island. This one also has a shell on it, as obviously lotus blossom goddesses would live inside shells. It all makes sense if you think about it for a while after inhaling some strong substances. Twink has to blow up a rock with his bombs to get into the place, but that’s only because the Bizarro Great Fairy is handing out a bomb bag upgrade and it would be horribly confusing and tragic if Twink showed up without a bomb bag in the first place. The universe would likely implode.
Not everyone’s into watersports, DickFish.
With his new bomb sack, Twink can carry a hefty 60 bombs. This gives me a fighting chance of retaining bombs in spite of my drunken style of shooting them out of Sean’s penis cannon. Hooray!
I think that allowing Sam to recap the second visit to the Forsaken Fucking Fortress would give the advantage of a second viewpoint, making it less redundant than me recapping the whole thing over again. It is in the interest of a varied and interesting recap that I am leaving the FFF to her, and not because I would rather jump naked into a pool full of rusty razor blades than to recap that hellhole again. Seriously, all artistic concerns on my part.
So Twink’s adventures end here for now. Join Sam next time as she braves the sucky fortress and attempts to save Twink’s sister a second time. Will she succeed? Stay tuned!