Speaking of Lucia, she appears behind Luce and asks Hugo if he’s ready to chat. To the chagrin of perverts everywhere, it’s not that kind of talk. Rather, she tells Hugo that she needs him to deliver a message to the Council in Vinay del Zexay, to further the peace negotiations between the Grassland tribes and the Zexens. Through the questions Hugo is forced to ask, like “The Zexen capital?” and “Why me?” I learn that they want to send Hugo because he is, by birth, perfect to be an official messenger, since sending an actual Clan Chief as a messenger would make the Grasslanders look politically inferior to the Zexen folk. I have a feeling they’ll be treated as political inferiors regardless of who they send. It’s not like the Karayans call them Ironheads for no reason, right? Hugo agrees to go, and Sarge offers his services. I’m sure his incessant quacking will be just the ticket for getting respect out of the Council. To my extreme dismay, Lulu also begs to come along. Luce freaks out that he’ll get in the way or endanger himself, but she leaves the decision up to Hugo. And of course, Hugo can’t refuse. Literally. Ladies and gents, I believe we’ve found this game’s Gremio.

Ha! Even your mom thinks you’re a wanker!

After a good night’s sleep, some words of encouragement, and some embarrassing motherly affection for Hugo and Lulu, our group is off for Ironhead Land. This merry party (plus Fubie) carries all the hope for the future peace of the Grasslands. Uh oh. Jimba meets them at the town entrance to ask a favor of Hugo: to take a pentacle engraving to the Lightfellow family in Vinay del Zexay, as it belonged to a Zexen warrior who “died heroically.” Hmm, think we’ve met any of these Lightfellows? Nah, that’d be way too amazing a coincidence. Jimba says his greatest burden will be lifted by getting rid of the pentacle. He also tells Lulu to keep from doing anything that would sadden their mother. I’m loving all this completely blunt foreshadowing, since all indicators are pointing toward something bad happening to Lulu. Just make it come true, and I won’t bitch about the lack of subtlety.

CRUSH HIM!!!

Outside the village, a nice map lays out in front of a miniature Hugo, and a series of roads start connecting and stretching to the eventual destination, Vinay del Zexay. I’ve heard enough imaginary fanboy screeching for one recap, so let’s just move along past the lack of a random battle-infested world map, shall we? First stop is the Plain Amur, a wholly boring stretch of road and grassy fields with a Journeyman Crystal thrown in for good measure. The only interesting thing is a random monster the party encounters known as a Furrfly. Furrflies, or Furries, as they will now be known, appear in packs of six or seven, in all the colors of the rainbow. They’re easy and fun to kill, giving me cause to shout “DEATH TO FURRIES!!!” every time one is slaughtered. Yes, I’m easily amused.

DIE! Hehehehehe…

Our boys reach the midpoint of their journey, Brass Castle. Duckman gawks like an idiot over what he calls a “mountain of stones.” Please. He’s supposed to be this seasoned warrior and he’s never even been to this joint before? What a backwater hick. After Sarge decides they’ve made sufficient idiots of themselves, they cross the drawbridge and enter the castle town. From the NPCs of Brass Castle I learn two things: 1) everyone thinks Lady Chris is really hot (can you say you’re surprised?), and 2) the captain and vice-captain of the Zexen Knights were killed, but there’s no plan for a funeral. Too bad I already had the latter bit of information. They came this close to giving me some useful exposition. Now it’s time to enter the castle itself.

…Did you eat paint chips as a kid?

Inside the main corridor of Brass Castle, a couple Zexen Knights march toward the group and warn them to get out of the way. Everyone but Lulu does, since Lulu is a braindead putz. One of the knights runs into him, making Lulu get all indignant, even though it was his fault for being in the way. Heading toward them on horseback, meanwhile, are Chris the Ice Queen and Tootie, with Chris’s boy and some other Zexen Knights. Lulu, who had just gotten out of the way, sees the procession and gets back in the way so he can see the Ironheads. What. A. Fucking. Idiot. Chris’s boy is caught off guard by Lulu jumping out and knocks him over. Chris’s boy, whose actual name is Louis, but whose new name is Boy, politely offers to help him up. Chris, from her horse, apologizes for Louis knocking him over. This would be the cue for Lulu to shut up, take Boy’s hand, and shuffle away without making a scene. But we should all know by now that Lulu has no common sense. He instead chooses to say, “Yeah, well, what do you expect from an Ironhead?” Neither Hugo nor Duckman say, “Jesus Christ on a crutch, we can’t take you anywhere!” like I would have said. Boy has no idea what Lulu means by “Ironhead,” but Chris obviously does. She looks Hugo and Lulu up and down and determines that they’re Karayan. She politely (but icily) introduces herself as Chris Lightfellow of the Zexen Knights. Lightfellow. Any idiot would make the connection that I’m sure you all just did, but of course, Hugo isn’t just any idiot. He’s all, “That name sure sounds familiar,” because he has the memory and attention span of a toddler. Another knight, a lavender-haired elf named Roland, steps in to keep Hugo from wasting any more of the Ice Queen’s time. “Get back, young barbarian. Here, WE decide who lives, who dies AND who speaks!” We’ll see later that by “WE” he means “Chris.” Hugo steps to him, but Duckman gets in the way, because it’s obvious the gay elf would destroy our young hero. Boy apologizes again to Lulu, freaking bows to him like he’s actually done something wrong, and hurries after his mistress. And still, after all that, Lulu says, “Everything I heard about Ironheads is true!” What, that they’re polite and mature? I wish pain and pestilence upon Gremio Mark II.

I hate you.

On the west side of the castle, Hugo chats with a few more NPCs, including our favorite ultra-sexy runemaster, Jeane. With nothing more to see or do, our lads make their way out of Brass Castle and into the Zexen Forest. Once there, of course, none of them actually know the way, even though these mapped dungeons and areas are about the most simplistic I’ve ever seen in an RPG, and they all have clear roads and pathways. Is everyone in this game a complete idiot?

About halfway through the forest, Hugo and Co. encounter a Tamahome look-alike in knight armor walking toward them. He calls for his assistant, Rico, a pudgy girl who comes hurtling down the path, huffing and puffing and trying to keep up. The Tamahome clone, Fred, lets us know via his Exposition!Hat that he is a Maximillian Knight. I’m sure there are many of you who assumed, like me, that Max’s “Maximillian Knights” in the first two Suikoden games were a fabricated excuse for the old man to go out and kick some ass. Apparently we were all wrong, as Fred and Rico here are keeping the tradition alive. Well, it’s only because Max is Fred’s grandfather, but still. Sir Fred asks Hugo if he knows about evil knights coming to the Grasslands. Jesus, how many knights are in this game? When Hugo has no clue what he’s talking about, Fred settles for information on any evildoing in the entire country. I roll my eyes in his general direction. Since Hugo is again clueless in these matters, Fred drags Rico off toward the forest entrance, even though she hasn’t caught her breath yet. What a jerk.

Once out of the remarkably easy-to-navigate forest, our boys get ready to enter Vinay del Zexay, and we’ll leave them to it for the moment, since this recap is quite long enough already. Next time we’ll find the answers to questions like “Just how many knights can one country possibly hold?” and “Will Lulu ever stop being a total fucking tool?” Until part two!