This game uses sprites. Get over it. The very first screen shows a sprite of the main character. Don’t get confused; he’s not a sprite as in the little guy in Secret of Mana. He’s a regular-looking teenager…well, except for the lime green bandana, bright red tunic, bright yellow pants, and pointy-toed shoes. I cower before his extreme manliness.
I decide to name him PUGGY!!!, because every single game needs a character named PUGGY!!!, and there’s only one character in this game, so, you guessed it. PUGGY!!!. The game takes about a year to load.
PUGGY!!! starts out in a castle, talking to some guy named Teo. Well, actually, Teo does all of the talking because PUGGY!!! is the brand of RPG hero that never talks. Except for when I get to choose a response, of course.
After sitting through what must be the slowest scrolling text ever found in a game, I find out more about the story. Teo tells PUGGY!!! not to be nervous, just be himself, when he has his audience with the Emperor. I hope that Teo isn’t PUGGY!!!’s pimp or something, because this game could go wrong very quickly.
Oh, Teo is “Teo McDohl, General of the Imperial Army” and PUGGY!!! is his son. I really hope Teo isn’t PUGGY!!!’s pimp now, because that would add several new levels of wrong. Luckily (or unluckily for me sometimes), game designers generally aren’t as dirty-minded as I am.
Maybe he has TPS.
PUGGY!!! and Teo enter the throne room, and approach the Emperor, who has a…unique character design.. Emperor Barbarosa’s face looks like a big ass. He has the most pronounced ass-chin ever, and he even has an ass-forehead. He scares me. In this scene, we also meet his woman, Windy. She must be somebody important, but she has no impressive dialog thus far.
Emperor Assarosa mentions the “troubling activities” recently and asks General Teo to patrol the border. I suddenly realize that General Teo is going to die before the game is over. How often do RPG Heroes’ parents survive the entire game? That’s what I thought.
Teo has the dubious honor of receiving Assarosa’s sword “Prakk”. Wow, what a fearsome name for a sword. Of course it probably means something really cool in some other language, and everyone knows that but me, and now I look really stupid. I’m sorry, but something that is one letter away from being pronounced “Prick” is not very scary.
Assarosa asks PUGGY!!! to help out the Empire while his father is away. In fanfiction, this would undoubtedly lead to some really disgusting hanky-panky. In this game, though, it just means that PUGGY!!! is going to join the Imperial Army.
I have the choice between replying “Yes, Your Highness” or “I don’t wanna.” As much as I want to choose the latter, I know that there are times in the game where your response matters. So I’m all paranoid.
“You already resemble your father,” Assarosa compliments PUGGY!!!. “At least I don’t resemble a pair of giant asses,” PUGGY!!! replies. I made that last part up, unfortunately.
Someone named “Commander Kraze” will be PUGGY!!!’s superior. He sounds like he should have his own Saturday morning cartoon show. I consulted the experts…well, actually just my husband, John, and he envisioned something along the lines of “Transformers”. Myself, I’m thinking zany superhero, complete with giant “K” on the front of his superhero suit.
Windy and her gigantic ponytail walk over to PUGGY!!! and she basically tells him he’s hot. Gee, female characters finding the main character attractive. I’m so very, very shocked. Just once, I would like to see a totally hot video game female walk over to the main character and go, “Ehhh, you’re not all that.”
Get off my ass, dad.
I finally gain control of the game at this point, only to have Teo following PUGGY!!! way too closely. He looks like he’s a centimeter off of PUGGY!!!’s ass. I’m pretty sure I would be creeped out if my dad were walking behind me like that, but whatever. All I care about is that I can finally change the message speed to something a little less like old people driving.
A nearby servant gives some rather important info on Lady Windy. Turns out that she resembles the Emperor’s dead wife. No, I’m not being sarcastic. It actually is important. Aren’t you glad I have these little psychic insights to help you follow the storyline better?
PUGGY!!! and Touchy Feely Teo talk to some guy named Kasim Hazil. He has his own character portrait, so he must not just be a random scrub. Can you tell I make it a habit to talk to every freakin’ NPC I can find?
Teo takes PUGGY!!! to meet Commander Kraze, who turns out to be a royal ass. Not to be confused with Emperor Assarosa. He must have a big stick up his butt because he is snotty to PUGGY!!! for no good reason. I’ve had bosses like him before, and they’re all making less money than I do now.
PUGGY!!! is supposed to meet back at Commander Kraze’s office tomorrow. Yippee. Hehe! Even Teo thinks Kraze is a dork.
Thankfully, PUGGY!!! is now following Teo, and at an appropriate distance. After leaving the castle, they enter Gregminster town or city or whatever. It’s a nice little place with a jolly tune playing. Although it does become a little annoying after listening to it ten million times through.
Teo and PUGGY!!! enter their house and a young blond man named Gremio runs out to greet PUGGY!!!. He is like an overeager puppy, and has a bit more than a normal friendship feeling going on here, I do believe. He doesn’t even say anything to General Teo except “Oh, I didn’t notice you at all.” To which Teo replies, “Didn’t notice me? Good grief. The only one you seem to care about is PUGGY!!!.” Awwwww…somebody likes somebody.