During our last visit to ye gaye olde lande of Hyrule, Jeanne escorted Twink through the Fire Temple so he could confront Darunia about this young lad of unknown parentage named Twink Jr. Darunia, to Twink’s immense relief, did not ask Rauru to read Twink the paternity test results, and now our hero is back in the sunshine, free to enjoy his unencumbered young adulthood. Thank God–he was not looking forward to carrying Twink Jr. around in a baby björn and pumping rock slurry out of his breasts.
Twink is confident, in his newfound state of optimism, that the next temple on his list will be a delightful romp that presents absolutely no difficulties. But he decides for now to apply his cheerful energy to some other errands on his list. First up is a return trip to Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch. Twink doesn’t really see an upside to visiting Malon and the two hairy men in her thrall, but this is the kind of stuff he has to knock out while he’s in a good mood. Malon once again challenges him to an obstacle course run on Ebona, which he must complete in 50 seconds or less. “If you can beat the record,” she tells him with what I imagine is a sly wink, “I’ll give you a present. Give it your best shot, OK?” Twink is sorely tempted to tank this thing rather than risk a “present” from Malon–what if Darunia and Rauru shared his semen samples with everyone and it’s another Twink Jr.?–but he accepts her challenge.
Calling this an obstacle course is a bit much–it’s just the same course around the corral, but with a series of iron gates of escalating height blocking the path. The only difficulty here is that Twink must use his carrot meter wisely. I say that like it’s not actually a difficulty, but let’s get real, this takes me entirely too many tries–most of them ending with Ebona butting her head into a gate like she can move it with her tiny horse mind–and even then Twink’s final time is a hardly impressive 49 seconds. But fuck it, it’s good enough. As for Twink’s reward? “The present is a little too heavy to give to you here, so I’ll have it delivered to your house,” Malon says, not noticing how Twink visibly shudders at the word “delivered.” Blithely, she brags, “Bet you can’t wait to see it! Hee hee!” I mean, a baby isn’t really that heavy, so Twink’s not that worried. But what if it’s triplets, plus their triplet stroller and giant diaper bag and creepy Baby Bullet? And now Twink is hyperventilating again. He’s going to need therapy for what Darunia pulled on him.
Trying not to freak out and drip flop sweat all over Ebona, Twink returns to his treehouse in Cockiri Forest to see what Malon has given him. And it’s…a cow. It stares at him balefully and lets out a plaintive moo, like it just can’t fucking believe it’s standing here either. But Twink is so relieved it’s not his child–probably–that he can’t even be mad at Malon for filling up half his floor space with a creature even less sexy than Princess Ruto. Supposedly the cow will provide Twink all the free Lon Lon Milk he can drink. But does that mean Malon sent this cow ahead of the real surprise, so he would be prepared with a refrigerator full of baby bottles? Oh God, oh God. Twink gets the fuck out of there.
Oh Christ, and who is your mom?
Next stop is the Cockariko Village graveyard for a short, completely unromantic nighttime ride on a magic bean platform. Inside a wooden crate hidden in an alcove above the graveyard, Twink finds a Piece of Ass. Did someone ride this same bean platform earlier just to hide this crate for Twink to find? Or has it been here all along, inexplicably, and only made accessible via the platform? It’s probably better not to think about this. But thinking about this is infinitely preferable to the main reason for Twink’s visit: another visit to Dampé’s Basement of Horrors.
Unlike the horse race, the bonus version of Dampé’s Basement of Horrors is exactly the same as the version Twink had to complete for the Moneyshot. This is good, because Twink doesn’t have to memorize a new path; and bad, because the path Twink has already memorized fucking sucks, and he’s still embarrassingly terrible at dodging Dampé’s fireballs. It would be so awesome if he could at least mitigate the effects of this by wearing his snazzy fire-resistant scarlet tunic, but life has never been that good to sweet Twink.
Ganondorf Glamour, Inc. originally designed this to be Miles Edgeworth’s sex dungeon.
There’s only so much I can say about this since I’ve already described it in as much detail as I care to, but it’s worth noting that I am really, really bad at this. I’ve seen Twink engulfed in flames so many times it’s only kind of funny to me now! One walkthrough I consulted after several miserable failures suggested rolling a lot to move faster, and in terms of usefulness it may as well have said, “Try sucking less.” Maybe there’s a reason I keep ending up with games that give me a tutorial for walking.
In the middle of what I think is Twink’s fifteenth attempt, though I may have lost count, Naggy stops him dead to ask, “An arctic wind is blowing from Zora’s River…do you feel it?” Okay, first of all, fuck you, Naggy–that one was going well and now Twink is totally thrown off his game and is about to run into a fireball again. Second, “arctic” doesn’t mean anything in Hyrule, you little moron. Third, FUCK YOU, NAGGY.
Finally, finally, Twink manages to get through the entire course without hitting a fireball, rolling into a wall, or listening to Naggy, and clocks an again hardly impressive time of 59 seconds. Dampé doesn’t even give poor Twink a high-five for the agony he endured to achieve this, and says the same fucking thing he said all the other times Twink got to this room. But instead of shitting out a red Rupee, this time he dumps a Piece of Ass on the floor. There is no way one Piece of Ass is a worthwhile reward for–let’s see–over an hour of my time and probably years off my lifespan. I mean, Christ, Twink just got the exact same thing for riding a fucking bean platform.
But this kind of thinking is what will drive me to ignore Pieces of Ass from now on, and obviously our bumbling to complete daunting tasks for mind-blowingly shitty rewards is the lifeblood of these recaps, so we can’t have that. Speaking of which, Twink exits Dampé’s Basement of Horrors via the windmill and hops directly over to the shooting gallery, since I haven’t engaged in enough self-loathing for one day. This is yet another thing I’ve already recapped into the ground, so I’ll spare any new details and just say that, obviously, this took me way more tries than last time, since now an actual prize is on the line. Twink accepts the Big Quiver, and will be sure to save some of the extra arrows he can carry for stabbing himself to death. Dampé told him no one in the afterlife asks for child support.
‘Which you’ll need, since you’re so shitty at archery!’
Well, after all that excitement, Twink has still not satisfied his itch for sidequests, for no reason, I assure you. There’s nothing he’s putting off, no sir! In that spirit he returns to his pantsless past and vanquishes the remaining Gold-Assed Spiders haunting Lon Lon Ranch, which get him to the halfway mark with saving the Ginger Spider Family. When he visits their creepy house to check on them, he realizes that all of the family’s creepy teenage boys are no longer afflicted by Gohma’s curse–the last one gives him a Piece of Ass, further confusing the relative value of this reward–leaving only their father horribly deformed. Gohma does not easily forgive men who don’t return her calls. The boys all giggle, “I’m so happy everyone is back to normal!” and blithely ignore their father writhing in pain in the middle of the room. As for Spider Daddy himself, he thanks Twink for saving his shitty, sociopathic children. “What?” he responds when Twink says nothing at all. “Me? Oh, that’s OK… You have already destroyed 50 Spiders of the Curse so far, so…that’s fine…don’t worry about me…” Good to hear. Twink will make sure to worry about someone less passive-aggressive in that case.
Leaving the Ginger Spider Family to hire a goddamn therapist, Twink realizes that, as long as he’s still in Cockariko and still a short stack, he may as well waste hundreds of Rupees on Dampé’s Grave Desecration Jamboree. My favorite part of this complete waste of time and money, by the way, isn’t just wasting the time and money, but that Dampé is apparently very particular about what time of night he’ll rob the dead of their belongings. Playing the Sun’s Song advances the time to midnight, by which time the guy working the literal graveyard shift is inexplicably in bed. So Twink has to run all the way out to Hyrule Field to kill an entire day just so Princess Dampé gets plenty of beauty rest. Oh, and wasting all the fucking Rupees blows too. 320 Rupees later, for the love of crumb cake, Dampé finally wrests that miserable fucking Piece of Ass from a piece of dirt Twink is sure he dug into twice already. Twink was thinking of being nice and warning Dampé to avoid any autoerotic asphyxiation play, but he can just find out in his own time now.
Unfortunately–I mean fortunately!–Twink is now out of fascinating, rewarding sidequests to engage in, so he is now forced to pay heed to Naggy again and take her many, many hints about heading to Zora’s Domain. Contrary to Naggy’s nonsense about the “arctic wind” coming from Zora’s River, the river itself seems fine and more or less exactly the same, but when he hops through the waterfall into Zora’s Domain itself, he finds the entire area frozen solid. What?!?! But this area was all water before! Naggy, a Republican, thinks this was due to evil magic caused by Twink’s impure feelings for Sheik. Twink ignores her, though even he will admit seven years is a little quick for such drastic climate change.
In addition to the frozen pools and waterfalls, some things are encased in a strange red ice, including, Twink discovers, King Zora. Normal fire will not melt this ice, and Twink holds out hope that nothing will, and that he’ll find Ruto encased in it, hopefully in the deepest part of the pond. Twink edges around King Zora’s frozen frog ass and exits to Zora’s Fountain, which, like the river, has not frozen solid. Nonetheless, Jabba is no longer here, having probably migrated to balmier climes with a Zora cabana boy to coat him in suntan lotion. Floating in the pond instead are chunks of ice arrayed just so to lead to a cavern Twink never noticed before. On his way over to the cavern, he follows a branching path of these ice floes to reach another Piece of Ass. Seriously, would it have killed the game designers to make Dampé’s Macabre Obstacle Hell Course worth, say, two Pieces of Ass? Or at least throw in some sample packs of moisturizer and cologne so Twink feels like a valued customer?
Anyway, Twink hops across the icebergs, avoiding the rocks being jizzed in his direction by Octoroks, and enters the Creatively Named Ice Cavern. Though, come to think, it’s pretty unlikely this cave didn’t exist in the past, and it probably wasn’t frozen then, since, per Naggy, the Goddesses only decided recently to punish Hyrule for its sins with bad weather. So was it the Water Cavern? Just the Cavern? The latter sounds vaguely enticing to Twink, so we’ll stick with that. But in the present it is the Ice Cavern, which emphatically does not sound enticing to Twink. And as soon as he walks inside, a phallic stalactite falls on his head. Even the penises in this place are cold and punishing! How terrible.
Even better, Twink enters the first room in the cavern to find several horned ice monsters and a roving blade trap. The ice monsters are called Freezards–one of the lamest and most vaguely rude-sounding portmanteaus I’ve ever heard–and they have the wonderful ability to blow all over Twink and freeze him in ice. Twink would be thinking this is the worst blowjob he’s ever had, but he’s frozen in ice and his brain is probably not working. And since this confrontation takes place on a frozen pond, Twink slips and slides around the ice like a bumbling oaf, alternating endlessly between being a popsicle and being taken out at the knees by the blade trap. Jesus, why is Twink even here? Surely there must be some timed skill challenge mini-game he could be doing.