Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Part 1
"An arachnophobe’s nightmare."
Twink is a budding young boy who wears a green shorts ensemble and enjoys frolicking with the other young boys in the Kokiri Forest. There are girls there, too, but he doesn’t frolick with them. Unlike the other Kokiri, Twink has a special destiny, a destiny decided for him by the Great Deku Tree. But before he gets on with that, he has to fuck around in the spider-infested innards of the damn tree. Lame.
Part 2
"Girls, girls, girls"
Now officially on his quest to become the great Hero of Hyrule, Twink wades through an incomprehensible sea of colored text toward the Spiritual Stone of Fire. Along the way he is assaulted several times by a nightmarish owl and by more horny, grabby-hands preteen girls than he thought could exist in a civilized society. Unfortunately, Hyrule hasn’t invented restraining orders yet. Sigh!
Part 3
"Twink’s reluctant trip to Tuna Town."
Twink does a million things in this recap, not the least of which is obtain the third Spiritual Stone for his jewelry collection. The life of a hero involves sacrifice, and Twink finally realizes the true meaning of this term as he meets the nude fish girl Ruto, Princess of the Zoras, and possibly becomes engaged to her. By accident, of course. Just what he needs to make his heroic journey complete. But his terrible traumas are all worth it in the end, as he magically grows up and meets his dream man. God damn, finally things are starting to look up for him. Emphasis on “up.”
Part 4
"Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I’m-My-Own-Grandpa!"
Twink finally gets to see how Hyrule is holding up after seven years of Ganondorf’s rule, and finds that he rather prefers the future version of things, even with all the monsters and having to flounder his way through the Forest Temple just to save stupid Saria. What has Ganondorf really done that outweighs the benefits of owning a horse and finally having a hot boyfriend? Vive le roi!
Part 5
"Twink, you [are/are not] the father!"
After fiddling around in awful Past Hyrule, Twink goes back to the future to solve yet another Goron problem. This time, Ganondorf has stopped fucking around and has decided to commit Goron genocide via a newly resurrected vagina dragon. Rather than letting nature run its course, Twink has to step in and save the day once again for his past boyfriend Darunia. Complicating matters is Darunia’s young son, suspiciously named after Twink. This is not a good sign. Is there any way Twink can help Ganondorf with the whole genocide thing?
Part 6
"The birds and the fish-ladies."
The dreaded Water Temple is a formative experience for our hero: not only does he experience the kind of enormous character growth that can only come from intense hardship and having his face ripped off by killer clams, but he also learns a little about the facts of life. At least, the facts of life as they pertain to Zora fertility tanks.