When I first created VGR, I used Ocarina of Time as an example of a game that I would never recap. After all, who would enjoy reading page after page of klutzy dungeon adventures? Well, as it turns out, you guys. After the success of the Wind Wanker recap, Sam and I realized that we had become hooked on recapping the Gay Adventures of Twink. And where better to continue than with the game that started all the shit for poor Wind Wanker Twink?
In the grand tradition of renaming the game’s title to more closely fit the game’s theme, I now christen it Cockarina of Time. I’m sure that surprises no one.
Without further ado, let us go back in time — before Hyrule was flooded, before all little boys were forced to dress in gay green clothing, and even before Ganondorf was sealed up and lost his svelte figure. This is where it all began. And no, don’t send me your essays on how all the games are related and some other Zelda game is the prequel. I don’t have time for that shit.
I should note right here that I am playing the Gamecube version. I believe Sam will be covering the Nintendo 64 one. Unlike her, I am too lazy to hook up my N64. For all intents and purposes, the versions are the same, so there should be no confusion.
The only reason I bother to bring this up is the opening screen. Now, I’ve played this version of Cockarina before, but I totally don’t remember the existence of Cockarina of Time: Master Quest. In fact, someone mentioned it on the forums, and I was all “Wha?” But there it is on the screen as one of my options. Its description reads, “A new legend arises from the original. Only masters dare enter these dungeons…” Ah, that’s why I don’t remember it. As soon as I saw the implication that only talented gamers need apply, I threw it into my brain’s recycle bin. Regular quest it is!
Title screen. A young man in green rides a horse along the top of a ridge as a ginormous moon hangs in the background (OMG Majora’s Mask foreshadowing!!!!). The game’s title appears after the camera switches to a different view of said horseback riding. Usually I would let the screen time out and see what undoubtedly exciting movie of reused footage awaits us, but I’ve been playing Shadow of the Colossus and I’ve developed an aversion to video game horses.
I start a new game, which brings me to the naming screen. It goes without saying that our hero must be named Twink. After this, our favorite video game device — white text on a black screen — appears, spouting pretentious exposition like we expect. “In the vast, deep forest of Hyrule…” it drones. “Long have I served as the guardian spirit… I am known as the [Dicku] Tree…” Yes, our favorite forest pimp is back. Or his predecessor, rather. I suppose I should reserve judgment — maybe this Dicku Tree is a wholesome forest guardian and not a forest-child-loving pervert like his descendent. Yeah. “The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me,” he continues, as the view changes to an overhead shot of a round, wood-walled room. “Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. However, there is one boy who does not have a fairy…” Ironically, that boy is our very own Twink. We now see him lying in his tiny bed inside the wooden room. I don’t know if we’re seeing him from the Dicku Tree’s point of view, or if the Dicku Tree is just expositing to himself while the camera shows us the details, but I still feel a creepy vibe.
Twink, asleep, tosses and moans. I’m glad we can’t see the Dicku Tree’s reaction to that. The screen goes black and suddenly we’re in Dream Land. A castle drawbridge lowers at night. Just so we know that Something Bad Is Afoot, it’s storming and raining like crazy. Thank God — we might not catch the mood of this sequence if they didn’t throw in obvious clues like that. I don’t want to accidentally assume this is the happy bunnies hopping through fields scene. A number of indecipherable flashes precede a shot of Twink just standing there at the end of the drawbridge, staring into the entrance. Twink, in this case, looks to be about eight years old and pantsless. The less I know about the reasoning for this character design, the better. Twink, in his daze, narrowly misses getting mowed down by a horse. We see a brief shot of the horse’s riders — an eight-year-old Princess Zelda, in the strong, manly arms of an unidentified individual, looks directly at Twink with fear in her eyes.
Twink’s all, “What? Am I wearing the wrong shoes with this outfit?” But then he turns around to see a giant black horse with an eeeeeevil rider. A tense musical motif underscores the badness of this situation. Then we get a close-up on the rider — holy shit, it’s Ganondorf! He still has the same green skin and red hair as his Wind Wanker self, and he’s still obviously evil, but that’s where the similarities end. This Ganondorf has no skeevy facial hair, although his eyebrows appear to grow into his hairline. He should seriously visit a stylist, Twink decides. Also, as I mentioned before, his waistline does not show the effects of centuries of eating chips and drinking beer. And is that some sort of crusty jewel on his forehead, or a hideous growth? Twink hopes to never be close enough to find out. Ganondorf raises his hand in an evil fashion, causing the camera to zoom in on Twink, frozen in place with a blowjob mouth. Luckily for Twink (and us), the dream ends at that moment.
Or at least it cuts away to a new screen, this time with black text on a white screen. I think that just blew my mind. “Navi… Navi, where art thou? Come hither…” our unnamed speaker commands. Fade in on a floating fairy. And I’m not talking about Tingle. This one is pretty much a stereotypical Tinkerbell-style fairy, a glowing bluish-white ball with butterfly-esque wings. The fairy flutters fruitily in place in front of a wooden backdrop. It probably goes without saying that a character such as this is not exactly out-of-place in this game. The fairy jokes practically write themselves.
“Oh, Navi the fairy… Listen to my words, the words of the [Dicku] Tree…” the (duh) Dicku Tree awkwardly begins. I mean, I assume Navi already knows who’s talking to him/her. It’s obvious the Dicku Tree just wanted to show off his red text. The Dicku Tree, continuing to speak in his formal dialect, wonders if Navi has noticed the evil presence in Hyrule recently. I haven’t seen enough of the game’s current situation to know if that was totally a DURR question or not. “For so long, the Kokiri Forest, the source of life, has stood as a barrier, deterring outsiders and maintaining the order of the world…” the Dicku Tree explains to us the apparently retarded Navi. Unfortunately for the Dicku Tree, Ganondorf this mysterious evil presence has enough eeeeeevil power to make the Dicku Tree his bitch. “It seems the time has come for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey…” Hey! That’s Twink! I love how the Dicku Tree can’t even refer to Twink by name, just by his unfortunate condition.
Twink fangirls?
“The youth whose destiny it is to lead Hyrule to the path of justice and truth…” Man, I can tell Twink’s just going to love having his life’s journey decided for him by a giant phallic tree. This takes much of the surprise out of things — in Wind Wanker we spent quite a bit of the game glued to the screen, going, “Is Twink going to be the hero or isn’t he?!?!” all suspenseful and shit. But Cockarina of Time just blows its wad right away, telling us right up front that Twink is, in fact, the hero of Hyrule. The entire game is spoiled for me now. Anyway, the Dicku Tree tells Navi to go fetch Twink for him. “I do not have much time left,” he says. What, does he have a hot date with some sexy Kokiri tonight? Wait, I don’t want to know. “Fly, Navi, fly! The fate of the forest, nay, the world, depends upon thee!” the Dicku Tree screams. Fucking drama queen.
We’re fucked.
From such a frantic command, we might expect Navi’s journey to find Twink to have an air of urgency, possibly accompanied by some sort of tense music. Instead, the game designers thought the best way to illustrate this sequence was to show the flight from Navi’s point of view, complete with happy, frolicking music and “comic” collisions with objects. Judging by Navi’s confused, drunken weaving throughout the entire Kokiri Village, it’s fairly obvious that the game designers are using this opportunity to give us a tour of the area. It soon becomes clear that everyone in the village is a child. Boys and girls both — the Dicku Tree doesn’t discriminate. They all dress in the trademark green elven clothing, and in many cases I can’t tell if they’re wearing shorts or going pantsless under a short tunic. And when it comes down to it, I really don’t want to know.
The very thrilling sights include: a close-up on a Kokiri boy’s crotch, a bunch of houses created from massive tree trunks (I’m sure the Dicku Tree punished them severely for that crime against his family), a kid repeatedly thrusting his pelvis against a rock, and, finally, Twink’s humble treehouse. Navi hovers over the still-sleeping Twink and shrills, “Hello, Twink! Wake up!” I should note that while this game is not totally voice-acted, the characters will still vocalize a word here and there. In this case, Navi says “hello” in a squeaky, obnoxious voice that sounds like a prepubescent Tidus on helium. I can tell right away that I’m just going to love Navi.
Navi’s all, “Daddy needs to talk to you” but Twink continues to lie there, shuddering and moaning. It’s a toss-up whether he’s still dreaming scary dreams of the fashion-impaired Ganondorf or erotic dreams of other young Kokiri boys. Navi starts to throw a shitfit, screeching at Twink and bitching, “Can Hyrule’s destiny really depend on such a lazy boy?” Hey, give him a break — he probably had a busy night last night. Judging by that incessant rock-humper outside, it looks like Kokiri can go all night long.
At last Twink awakens with a yawn and rubs his eyes. He promises himself that he’ll get to sleep at a decent time tonight — all these late night encounters are simply disastrous to his complexion. When he notices the fabulous glowing fairy before him, his heart grows about ten sizes — is this it? Has his fairy finally arrived? For years the other Kokiri have ridiculed and degraded him for his lack of this symbol of manhood. If this is truly his very own fairy, it would be his fondest dream come true. Except for maybe that one he had about the rock humper, but that one’s a secret.
Please don’t arrest me, Mr. FBI Man!
Twink seats himself on the edge of the bed with his legs spread and his crotch pointing at the camera. Luckily, some fabric covers his area so I don’t have to worry about FBI agents breaking in and arresting me for kiddie porn. Crisis averted. Twink stares at the fairy — so bright, so delicate, so…so masculine. Now he can find out what goes on at all those fairy-only parties the other boys have once a month.
The fairy talks, breaking into Twink’s reverie. “You finally woke up! I’m Navi the fairy!” So when the Dicku Tree says Navi’s name, it’s in blue, but Navi says his own name in red? I’m so ignorant when it comes to Hyrulian font color rules. “The Great Deku Tree asked me to be your partner from now on!” Navi continues. Twink likes the sound of that word “partner.” Oh, the possibilities inherent in that simple term. Twink blatantly checks out Navi’s ass, hoping the fairy won’t mind.