The fairy is all business, unfortunately. The Dicku Tree has summoned Twink for an audience, so that takes precedence over any…frivolity. With an impatient sigh, Twink hops off the bed and hopes that the Dicku Tree won’t slap him in the face. Those welts take weeks to heal. When he exits his treehouse, he doesn’t even get to take a step toward the ladder before he spots another figure in green racing toward him like her ass is on fire. Oh, yuck, it’s a girl. Unlike the other female clones in the forest, this girl is obviously special, as she has green hair and wears a long-sleeved green shirt under her green jumper. All the other Kokiri girls are boring dishwater blondes with sleeveless jumpers.
From her overly enthusiastic greeting, we know right away that this girl has a particular fondness for Twink. Since she’s lived her entire life in the forest, you think she’d have an awareness of trees, such as when she’s barking up the wrong one. Attempting to get into Twink’s shorts, she gushes over his new fairy for several boxes worth of text. Her voice actress even giggles flirtatiously. This is so painful to watch. She starts in with the talk about Twink’s status as a true Kokiri, and Twink realizes that this is totally leading up to a proposition. Desperate to remove himself from the situation, he uses his appointment with the Dicku Tree as an excuse to leave. Unfortunately, this only causes Green Girl to jizz herself over this great honor. “I’ll wait for you here. Get going! Go see the Great [Dicku] Tree!” she nags.
This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Twink. First he dreams about some hideous guy with a forehead wart trying to get a piece of him, then finds out that the Great Dicku Tree needs to have a “word” with him, and now he has this clingy girl stalking him at his house. The only bright side to his situation is the existence of his brand new sexy male fairy, even if he does seem a little bit on the shrill side.
Speaking of shrill, one fantastically fun and non-irritating feature of the game is that Navi will periodically chirp, “Hey! Listen!” as a little Navi icon lights up on the upper right corner of the screen. This means that Navi has something “important” to say — 95% of the time it’s something we already know. Case in point, as Twink works his way over a picturesque little stream to reach the Dicku Tree’s meadow, Navi can hardly contain himself. Dutifully, Twink listens to what his new partner just can’t wait to tell him. “The Great [Dicku] Tree has summoned you! Please come with me!” Navi squeaks. Jesus, thanks, Navi for that necessary reminder. Twink had completely forgotten about his task in the ten seconds since you last freaking told him. Twink hopes there are other more desirable features that go along with a fairy companion to offset the nagging of the obvious.
Since this is a video game, and thus must make it as difficult as possible to travel from point A to point B, Twink encounters his first obstacle in the form of a prickish young boy guarding the entrance to the Dicku Tree meadow. The young boy looks like Ron Weasley mated with Peter Pan, and his bitter attitude is likely a result of such a hideous pairing. Plus, he has a mullet, which is never a good thing. Right off, this little fucktard gets all up in Twink’s grill, calling him “Mr. No Fairy” and demanding to know why he’s visiting the Dicku Tree. “Without a fairy, you’re not even a real man!” he hilariously taunts. I’m just going to let that little gem of dialogue stand on its own.
Twink silently yet haughtily informs Jerky Von Assholerstein that this fine specimen of fairyhood is, in fact, his new companion, and on top of that, Daddy specifically sent for Twink. So quit with the PMSing and let him through, or the Dicku Tree might have to teach Jerky a lesson. Jerky takes several boxes of text to get over his shock at these revelations. “Why would he summon you and not the great Mido?” he whines self-importantly. Since we now know his name, I think it’s safe to rename him Midol after the aforementioned PMSing.
Not that he would know.
Twink remains tactful and doesn’t point out that he’s roughly a million times hotter than a mulleted Ron Weasley in a green wifebeater and biker shorts. Even so, Midol continues to hassle Twink, wondering, “How do you think you’re going to help the Great [Dicku] Tree without both a sword and shield ready?” He isn’t deterred when Twink points out that Midol, too, is lacking in the equipment department. And he’s not just talking about weapons. It doesn’t matter — Midol refuses to let Twink pass until he equips a sword and shield. You know, I appreciate that they’re trying to mix things up in the font department a bit, but let’s not go overboard, here.
Twink just shrugs, hoping that the delay will cause the Dicku Tree to take it out of Midol’s ass and not his. Now, this Twink has no granny to provide him with the family’s decorative shield nor an old shirtless guy to provide him with a sword, so he has to think outside the box here. He decides to stop in at the local store to see if they might sell either of these items. Sure, one might think that shields or even a store aren’t necessary in a tiny village of maybe six houses, but this is also the place where fairies symbolize manhood, so we’re not dealing with any sort of earth logic here.
As Twink approaches the store, a girlish giggle from above distracts him, and not in a good way. The Kokiri girl in question sits on top of the store’s awning and orders Twink to look up and talk to her. This day keeps getting worse and worse. The whole purpose of this sequence is to teach me, the player, how to target and speak to an NPC at a distance using Twink’s fairy. Apparently, before Navi came into his life, Twink couldn’t speak to people five feet away from him. “It’s so great that you finally have a fairy partner!” Random Girl gushes. I’m not making this shit up, people.
Don’t want to know, don’t want to know.
Random Girl explains the finer points of L-targeting (or Z-targeting, if you prefer) to Twink, continuing to waste his valuable time since I he already magically knows this shit. When she shuts up, Twink finally enters the store. The proprietor, unfortunately, is not a fine specimen of maleness like Big Gay Beedle. He looks to be a midget, even by Kokiri standards — he has to jump up and down just to see over the counter. I’d suggest that he stand on something, but then I realize that the only standable objects I’ve seen in the village are rocks, and with that rock-humping Kokiri on the loose, I can see why people wouldn’t want to come into contact with any of his…previous dates.
The shop sells a selection of Dicku-themed items: Dicku Sticks, Dicku Nuts, and Dicku Seeds. I feel so lazy, the way these jokes just keep on writing themselves. In addition to these M-rated items, the shop also sells a Dicku Shield. It’s made of — what else? — wood, with a flame-colored swirl painted on it. This is ironic, since fire will destroy the shield in about two seconds. I’m sure this will never happen to me. Unfortunately, Twink spent all his rupees on hawt hawt Dicku-Tree-on-Kokiri porn, so he doesn’t have the required 40 rupees to buy the shield. Shit.
Twink discards his first idea for earning this cash, and decides instead to tour the entire village, plundering as he goes. He starts at the forest exit, where a hunchbacked, redheaded boy blocks his way and tells Twink that Kokiri croak out in the real world. Of course, this is what the Dicku Tree told him, and the Dicku Tree obviously wants to keep all his children close by, so take this with a grain of salt. Er, so to speak.
If only all NPCs were courteous enough to warn me about their verbal diarrhea.
During his rupee-making quest, Twink learns more than he ever wanted to know about the gameplay system, thanks to my thoroughness in talking to every God damn NPC. In particular, the Know-It-All Brothers — who look like they could be Weasley Triplets — fill Twink’s head with all sorts of useful shit. Apparently, Twink has lived his entire life with his head up his ass, never talking to anyone, since he’s just now learning this. Or, alternately, the Weasley Triplets have spent all their time teaching Twink other things they know, and only recently started dispensing gameplay advice. I think that’s the most logical explanation, given what we know about this game.
Twink pretty much zones out during all these explanations, daydreaming about past encounters with these boys. Then he breaks their decorative pots to get rupees. With a seductive wink, he promises to compensate them later. Twink’s next stop is, unfortunately, the circle of rocks where the Kokiri kid is currently having his wicked way with a hot brownish-gray number in the center. I imagine that this kid, who shall now be named Brinco after my male rabbit (do the math), is even more of an outcast than Twink. At least Twink, fairyless though he was, participated in the usual activities of the Kokiri boys. This guy would rather fuck stones. Sadly, though he indulges in his desires right out in the open for all to see, he still feels the need to come up with a lame cover story. According to Brinco, Midol ordered him to pick up the rocks in front of his house. Twink can’t see Brinco’s eyes beneath that mop of hair, but if he could, he’s sure he could read in them the sad truth that even Brinco knows this is a transparent lie.
Everyone needs a fetish.
Twink doesn’t want to converse further with an individual who shuns the pleasures of warm Kokiri flesh, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to touch any of those rocks after Brinco’s undoubtedly humped the crap out of them. Still, he needs cash, and he’s heard rumors that Brinco pays off the rocks he’s screwed. Only one way to find out. One by one, Twink hoists the rocks in the air and hurls them at a nearby wall. Though this Twink seems a bit younger than his Wind Wanker counterpart, he must spend his time working out, because he throws those fuckers, like, twenty feet away. Poor noodle-armed Wind Wanker Twink could never reach such a distance. Then again, Wind Wanker Twink grew up in a village of pig fuckers and girls with jugs, so he probably didn’t have the same experience of bench-pressing other young boys.
Loading ...Twink finds either one rupee or no rupees under all but one of the rocks. The rock in question — undoubtedly one of Brinco’s “special” rocks — hides a whopping three rupees. If Brinco is upset over Twink’s callous destruction of his lovers, he doesn’t show it, instead continuing to pound away at his current amour like he didn’t even notice. Then again, since the rocks reappear in their exact same positions if Twink enters and leaves a building, there’s some weird resurrection thing going on. Twink doesn’t want to know any more about Brinco’s experimentations in bringing back the dead, so he continues on his rupee-finding quest.
The house next to Brinco is, as he said, Midol’s house. The sign near the doorway backs up that particular aspect of his story. It proclaims that Midol is the “Boss of the Kokiri,” which I imagine is a self-created title. I doubt the Dicku Tree would choose that little shithead to watch over the rest of his hos. Regardless, Midol has decorated his house as if he really is some sort of leader — a red carpet leads to a sort of stage, probably used for speeches. To himself, most likely. Lining the red carpet are several brown pots and four treasure chests. Twink feels absolutely no remorse over stealing Midol’s rupees from the chests. He contemplates shitting in the chests as well, just for that extra little “Fuck you!” but then realizes that Midol would probably be into that. Twink shudders, leaving the house before he can start wondering why those pots are brown.