Hello, everyone, and welcome to Part 3 of Twink’s Gay Cockarina Adventures. Why, it seems like just yesterday that Sam posted Part 2. In fact, it practically was yesterday, since this recap was completed on time and definitely not more than six months after Part 2. Why, that’s crazy talk — I would never procrastinate! La la la, I can’t hear you! Look over there!
In Part 2, Twink’s shitty day took a turn for the even worse as he ventured out into Hyrule proper. There, he learned the true meaning of sexual harassment as a plethora of girls attached themselves, remora-like, to our green clad hero and forced him to play feminine songs on his phallic instrument. The only saving grace of his adventure turned out to be his encounter with the Goron leader Darunia, who may not be anything special to look at, but at least he — presumably — owns a penis somewhere under that naked beer belly. Twink also learned that there’s a reason why the word “Goron” rhymes with “moron.”
As you might recall, Sam entrusted me with several tasks in her last recap. Not because she was too lazy or forgetful to do them herself, but because only someone of my awesome gaming talents could handle these missions. At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself in order to stave off the crippling depression.
Twink’s first stop after the near escape from the Goron gangrape session is Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch. The trip is made marginally less pleasant by another one of Naggy’s urgent messages. She helpfully reminds Twink that Darunia said something about a fairy on Death Mountain. Did he? Twink was kind of distracted by the giant nude Goron looming over him. Oh, that’s right, he told Twink to visit the Great Fairy who is another girl. Why can’t just one fairy turn out to be a half-naked young man, clad only in vines and maybe some sparkly magical jewels? But Twink has become well-acquainted with the cruelty of the goddesses and the game designers, and knows that something this great will never happen. He’s no fool.
So this undoubtedly lame fairy will have to wait until Twink finishes his other errands. The first one stems from Sam’s mention of the sad, pathetic loser at Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch. I should be more specific — the sad, pathetic man in the horse barn and not one of the other two losers we’ve already met. You might wonder why Twink would bother to go so far out of his way to visit some random NPC. All I can say is that this dude actually figures into the plot at a later point. And with the confusing and intricate plot in this game, I sure wouldn’t want you to miss out on any meaningful subplots because the recappers didn’t give you every tiny detail in advance.
The NPC in question — with his dark mustache, green shirt, and white overalls — resembles Luigi. That is, if Luigi — after gulping down a Fire Flower — turned psychotic and contracted an STD. STD!Luigi’s real name is Ingo, and like many individuals with dead-end jobs, he complains incessantly about working in such a shithole. Although the Lon Lon Non-Dude Ranch doesn’t live up to his lofty standards as a workplace, he doesn’t intend to quit and find a better employment opportunity. Oddly enough, he wishes to be in charge of the crappy ranch. I hate to admit it, but he does make a good point after that — the owner, Talon, is such a lazy, narcoleptic dillhole (and, from what we’ve seen, Malon just stands around swaying and singing out in the field) that Ingo ends up doing all the actual work. Still, from the way Ingo refers to himself as “great” and just generally seems to have an undeserved superiority complex, Twink is not going to support him in his bid for ranch ownership. Plus, his unibrow and sickly complexion hint at a side hobby of surfing for kiddie porn on the Hyrulian internet, and Twink doesn’t want to be carried off on the horse equivalent of a windowless van by this mustachioed freak. Time to go!
Twink doesn’t make it to Kakariko village before the sun sets. You might think that with the Sun’s Song in his arsenal of Cockarina tunes, this might not be a problem, but you would not be taking into account Twink’s random bout with trauma-induced amnesia. All the unfortunate events of the past few days have taken their toll on his memory banks. Alas, he completely forgets he even learned the Sun’s Song — plus, it sucks, so who would want to remember it — and spends the remainder of the night randomly swinging his sword at all the groping, giggling skeleton children that pop out of the ground. Too bad he can’t forget things like his numerous encounters with Blathers or the girls, but even his post-traumatic amnesia takes no mercy on him.
In her recap, Sam mentioned something about me taking care of the Kakariko well dungeon during this visit. Well (no pun intended), since said dungeon makes no sense plotwise at this point — I’m going to leave it until later. Once again, purely for plot reasons, not because the dungeon sucks or because I didn’t even know it was available this early in the game. What kind of recapper do you think I am?
Instead, Twink goes to take care of the other task in town that was too time-consuming for Sam. Namely, talking to the redheaded young lady by the Cucco pen. In a strange deviation from the pattern, this chick doesn’t try to grope him or teach him her special Cockarina song, so his luck might be turning around. Well, not entirely, since the lady is one of those fine NPCs who like to make Twink do their basic chores for them. In this case, Cucco Lady is panicking because her Cuccos — or Cuccos, if you want to get nitpicky — have flown out of their pen. To be fair to her, she has Cucco allergies, so it’s not like she’s just a lazy motherfucker like the majority of the NPCs. Then again, I’m assuming that no one held a gun to her head and forced her to work with Cuccos, so she isn’t entirely blameless here. She begs Twink to collect the escaped Cuccos and return them to the pen. Given that they flew off in the first place, any idiot can see that sticking them back in the same pen would be totally pointless. But Twink has pretty much resigned himself to pointless actions by now, so Cucco collecting it is!
I’m sure that’s not the only large white cock Twink has gripped in his hands.
Before he pursues this thrilling minigame, I’d like to take a moment to address the subject at the forefront of everyone’s mind at this point — the abundance of names that look and/or sound very similar to the word “cock.” We have Kokiri, Kakariko, and Cucco. Yet neither of the recappers have done the obvious and renamed these to the more appropriate Cockiri, Cockariko, or Cocko. I wish I could tell you that Sam and I had some intricate reason as to why we’ve foregone the renaming. Unfortunately, the reason is either laziness or the fact that by this time, we see the perverted versions of the names in place of the originals, and simply forget that not everyone views the world in Cockvision like we do. So to fix this issue and to help you, the readers, more thoroughly experience the atmosphere and theme of the game, these words will now be changed. Hopefully you will still be able to follow.
Back to the excitement! Twink must now travel the entire expanse of Cockariko Village to collect the errant Cockos for the stressed-out lady. Clearly, Sam left this task to me because of her generous nature, and not because of the mind-numbing tedium of tracking down Cockos. Because it’s so fun! Twink has found new meaning in his journey around the village, chasing and grabbing Cockos, wrapping his hands around Cockos and using them to glide over tall fences, whipping Cockos to and fro, and throwing them into their pens. One Cocko has even managed to find its way into a box. The first time such a thing has happened in Hyrule, if you follow me. And the incessant screeching that sounds like a donkey getting raped sans lube adds such lovely background music to the whole experience. Why, Twink could go on like this forever! Woo, good times!
As you might guess, I exaggerated just a tad on the enjoyment value of that particular minigame. Cocko collecting is only slightly more fun to Twink than sucking a greasy Moblin schlong. Since there are enough minigames and other tasks in this game alone that are less fun to Twink than sucking a greasy Moblin schlong, I guess it could have been a lot worse. And he gets a glass bottle for his efforts, which he can use for holding fairies and other such healing items. Or lube. Pattern recognition of Twink’s sucky fighting skills would indicate that such items might find copious amounts of use in the future. Except for the lube, the way things are going for Twink. Sigh.
Is it a crackpipe?
This line of thought is making me sad, so I think it’s time to move on before I go drown myself in a vat of chocolate. Twink decides that he’s procrastinated long enough — sure, visiting a fairy is not on his list of things he’d like to accomplish before he dies, but the lengths he’s going to in order to avoid the bitch are getting ridiculous. Best to just bite the bullet and get it over with. My only consolation is that I’m using Quicktime on my Mac to view the video file, and when I fast-forward through the footage, the sound speeds up and all the monsters and Cockos and shit sound like chipmunks. I have to find amusement where I can. Quit judging me!
The fairy, as Darunia mentioned, is located up on Death Mountain. This means that Twink has to retrace his steps past all the mini-Gohmas and such. Between Dodongo’s Cavern and Goron City is a ramp blocked by giant, symmetrical boulders. The rules of physics in Hyrule state that giant, brown, symmetrical boulders can be blown up with bombs. Even though the brown rock ramp which the boulders sit on is not the slightest bit damaged by said bombs. That’s just the way things work. You’ll recall that Sam had difficulty with the timed bomb throwing back in Dodongo’s Cavern. Twink has to do the same shit here, but he has miraculously improved since then. That’s right, Twink manages to perfectly time his bomb throw, without wasting numerous bombs or blowing himself up in the process.
Oh boy, you guys will believe anything. The only miracle involved is that Twink eventually makes it up to the next level without inadvertently Darwinizing himself. At least watching that whole debacle in fast motion erases some of the pain and humiliation. Twink finds another bombable rock, this one covering a dark pit. Twink’s all about sliding into dark holes. Inside, he finds some rupees and a cow. Yes, a cow. Many mysteries surround the presence of this cow, not the least of which is how the thing managed to get into the pit in the first place, given that the opening is barely big enough for Twink. I guess the magical replenishing grass tufts and water pools sustain the poor animal, but how does it manage to keep producing milk? For that is the purpose which the cow serves in this situation — giving Twink as much Lon Lon Milk as he can possibly hold, any time he gets the urge to come back for more.
But more importantly, is this a magical wizard cow? Is the cow someone who pissed off a powerful wizard (like Ganondorf, but with less home dec sense) and ended up cursed to live in a pit, providing bodily fluids to random, bomb-wielding adventurers? I would leave this to you guys as part of a poll, but that would entail me thinking up options for said poll, and I don’t really want to think about the fate of this sad creature any more.
Twink finishes his business in the secret cave — thankfully, he’s full up on replenishing juices at the moment — and continues on up the path. He quickly finds out why the game required him to purchase or grave rob the Hylian Turtle Shell before trekking up Death Mountain. Every so often, a barrage of flaming boulders rain down on Twink, causing third degree burns and crushing his bones. Or maybe just taking away some of his heart meter. The only protection Twink has against this is his magical turtle shell shield. He can hide under it without receiving damage while the mountain takes a fiery dump on him, then quickly run while the volcano pauses to recharge. Now, I haven’t timed this with a stopwatch or anything, but I estimate that the non-fireball phase lasts roughly .00001 seconds to every fifteen seconds of flaming death from above.
Given this information, I could use my fantastic timing and gaming skills to maneuver Twink through this boulder field without any damage whatsoever. But I’m 30 years old now, and I have a mortgage to pay, and quite frankly, I don’t have time for this shit anymore. Or, if you want to nitpick, I’m 12 years old, and that’s at least two whacking off sessions I could complete in that amount of time. Twink barely makes it out of the experience alive, but at least I have an extra couple of minutes that I can waste on something equally unproductive but much more fun. Like playing with the Objection! Generator.
When Twink reaches a wall that is conveniently out of the range of volcanic debris, he thinks he’s in the clear. Obviously, Twink has not learned his lesson. Sure, the wall contains handholds for easy climbing, rather than requiring him to deal with some sort of obnoxious platforming, but like many other climbing walls in this game, it contains several instances of Twink’s archnemesis. No, not Ganondorf — those fucking ass wall spiders. Suddenly, Twink envies that poor, trapped cow. At least there are no spiders in that dank, lonely cave.
The Schlongshot takes care of those three oversized motherfuckers, and this time only one lands on his head. An improvement, Twink must admit. Then he realizes how low his expectations have fallen since starting his adventure, and he wonders if he should end it now. But no! He must continue. Surely, somewhere in the land, he will find his sexy male prince. All of this other creepy, unfortunate bullshit is simply a test, and if he proves himself worthy, he will prevail. He must!