Last time, which I was shocked and ashamed to realize was four freaking years ago, Twink finally got all the pieces together for Zelda’s grand plan, which more or less handed Hyrule to Ganondorf in a festive pink gift bag. Worse, as dumb as Zelda’s scheme was, Rauru the Grabby Hands Sage of Light told Twink that, had he just kept his own grabby hands off the Masturbator Sword, Ganondorf couldn’t have even touched it, thanks to evil emanating from his pores. So Twink could have telepathically told Zelda through her Cockarina to fuck off and gone to get a coffee with the Happy Mask Shop Guy, and none of this would have happened. What the fuck was Ganondorf going to do to him, build a puzzle dungeon in his treehouse?

On the bright side, he has this sexy new adult body, and a sexy new adult boyfriend. Speaking of him, Sheik is still standing right in front of the Masturbator Sword’s pedestal. Twink can’t resist the urge to talk to him again, even though he obstinately won’t talk about anything but Twink returning to Cockariko and going to the Forest Temple. Twink swears he can hear Hall and Oates every time he looks into Sheik’s eyes.

Twink doesn’t want to learn about any skills used on girls, thanks.

Well, Twink will do as Sheik bids…eventually. First, he’d like to see what’s happening in Hyrule now that Ganondorf has had an arbitrary seven years to ruin everyone’s shit. As he walks out of the Temple of Time, the first thing he notices is an ominous corona of fire around Death Mountain. I’m sure Naggy will shriek about that at length later. He also sees right away that Hyrule Castle Town has been destroyed. Twink briefly mourns Happy Mask Shop Guy, but can’t feel too much sadness for the shooting gallery dickhead or the ugly dog lady. The raucous crowds have been replaced by a handful of ReDeads, hopefully the zombie versions of all those screaming assholes who used to live here. He freezes them with the Sun’s Song and runs away like a bitch.

Twink chose to run toward the castle rather than out of town, and thus is greeted with a horrible sight: Ganon’s Castle, rising ominously from where the royal castle once stood. Well, it’s actually got some interesting design choices–Ganon(dorf) went for the phallic spire model, and even included phallic spikes on all the walls–but it’s horrible because people probably died and stuff. A giant lake of molten lava stands between Twink and the castle, which Twink promptly falls into and dies while trying to reach a Gold-Assed Spider. He soon realizes he won’t be able to reach it because he can’t use his Boomerwang for no fucking reason, so once he’s back in the land of the living he heads back the way he came.

On the way out of town, Twink notices that the guardhouse is still standing. But inside, rather than finding the bored guard who loved to smash pots and make out with him, he finds a creepy individual who has set up a shop. The drug-induced sitar theme is playing here, so we know this guy is a weirdo, if the single red eye under his cloak and the cage full of ghosts weren’t enough of a clue. One-Eye, a man of taste, immediately starts hitting on Twink. “Oh…you are quite an energetic young man,” he coos. “You’re brave and handsome, too.” Is this what happened to the Happy Mask Shop Guy? He also claims he can read minds and tells Twink his own name as proof. Because I’m sure Twink was sitting there, thinking “My name is Twink!” that whole time.

Holy crap.

This guy does have a purpose in life, other than making Twink feel a little uncomfortable: he buys and sells ghosts. “Because of the great Ganondorf,” he says, “it is a fine time for a business like this…heh heh heh… Oh…I can only hope the world gets even worse!” Twink is definitely creeped out now–it’s one thing to hate Hyrule and tell him he’s handsome (both good things), but talking up Ganondorf? No, that is gross and wrong. Anyway. “The ghosts, called Poes,” One-Eye goes on, are spirits of concentrated hatred that appear in the fields and graveyard. They hate the world!” Well, Twink can relate to that. He may not be dead, but he’s got a gaggle of ladies who want to non-consensually marry him. One-Eye promises to pay Twink “a lot of money” if he can catch a Poe and bring it back here. Twink’s not sure that’s worth being sexually harassed by some Ganondorf apologist, but he’ll keep it in mind.

It’s nighttime when Twink emerges onto Hyrule Field, but funnily enough he isn’t assaulted by any skeletons. You’d think such attacks would be more prevalent now, but maybe after Ganondorf’s rise to power all the monsters unionized and they don’t work night shifts anymore. By the time Twink reaches Lon-Lon Non-Dude Ranch, it’s still dark, but he decides to head in anyway. Inside the farmhouse, he finds Ingo in Talon’s bed–ALONE, you guys–and muttering in his sleep about how awesome and hard-working he is. Well, that’s weird, but it’s also what Twink gets for showing up in the middle of the night like a creep. He finds Malon out in the pasture, singing Ebona’s Song because singing by herself in the moonlight is her only hobby. “Please keep it a secret from Mr. Ingo that I sing this song,” she asks, like Twink was about to run and tell on her that second. Instead, hating himself, Twink pulls out the Cockarina of Time and plays the song for her. “You…” she says. “Do you know my mother’s song? Everyone really liked that song… My dad… Even Mr. Ingo…” I can’t imagine you could work at this ranch if you didn’t like it, since it’s playing all the fucking time and Malon won’t stop singing it. I for one would go crazy and murder everyone within a week. “But…” she says, “since Ganondorf appeared, Mr. Ingo has changed completely. I can remember the good old days only while I sing the song.” The good old days when she taught it to a boy in green who had a cockarina, but she somehow has not associated that boy with the seven-years-older version of him standing in front of her. It must be Twink’s slutty hoop earring. “Also…” she says, since she’s required in the script to help me along with things I should remember on my own, “[Ebona] really liked that song… Only I could tame that horse… Even Mr. Ingo had a hard time… Hee hee hee!” Oh, Malon. “Life sucks and my dad is missing and my mom is dead and I’m a slave to Mr. Ingo…hee hee hee!”

The next morning, Twink finds Malon in the stables, acting like they didn’t have a gross gushy heart-to-heart talk the night before. She does mention that if she doesn’t obey Mr. Ingo, he’ll “treat the horses so badly,” so I guess that’s why she hasn’t just fucking left to find her dad after he was kicked out. She adds that “Mr. Ingo is just using the ranch to gain Ganondorf’s favor…” Wait, what? How does the ranch help curry favor with Ganondorf? Did Ganondorf ask Ingo to turn this place into an actual dude ranch? If he did, then what the hell is Malon doing here, other than scaring off the beefcakes?

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Speaking of Ingo, he’s at the entrance to the pasture, which is now gated and locked, so we understand that Ingo is a greedy dick. “There are some people in [Cockariko] spreading rumors that I cheated Talon out of the ranch,” Ingo tells Twink, “but… Don’t be ridiculous! That guy Talon was weak! I, the hard-working Ingo, poured so much energy into this place!” It’s not like he’s wrong about Talon, but what a self-aggrandizing douche. Ingo doesn’t want visitors to the ranch like Twink talking shit about him elsewhere, and confides that there was no foul play–it was just that Ganondorf thought Ingo was so cool that he, in his great wisdom, gave Ingo the ranch and Talon the boot. Ingo, therefore, is dying to “raise a fine horse and win recognition from the great Ganondorf!” Seriously, doesn’t Ganondorf have anything better to do than act as small-claims court judge for a couple of ugly ranchers? It must be boring as fuck to run Hyrule.

Even though he presumably thinks Ganondorf needs every fucking one of these horses, he asks Twink if he would like to ride one. For 10 Rupees, he can ride around the pasture like a little kid bouncing on a pony. But Twink is flush with cash at the moment and hands over the money. At Twink’s prompting, because his invisible controller forgot how to ride horses in this game, Ingo explains how it works: basically, you get a little carrot meter that is depleted as you whip the horse to go faster. Ingo belabors the point that if you want to jump over an obstacle, you must hit it head-on rather than at an angle or the horse will bitch out and not jump it. With that, he lets Twink into the pasture.

Twink doesn’t have any interest in prancing around the enclosure like a chump, but paying was the only way to get to Ebona. She’s the only horse with a white mane, so she’s easy enough to spot. He plays Ebona’s Song to get her to stop fucking running around so he can mount up, and then goes to talk to Ingo. “You’re getting better!” Ingo says, like Twink didn’t get on this horse five seconds ago. “How about a little race with me? One lap around the corral with that horse.” He wants to bet 50 Rupees on this little romp. Ingo is clearly a gambling addict if he wants to race Twink for basically no reason, but Twink is not above taking advantage of that and accepts.

Like Ingo said, it’s just a single lap around the pasture. The key is to keep a steady pace without depleting the carrot bar entirely, and also to try to hold the inside track without getting hung up on the fence. Ingo, of course, jumps the gun and is ahead before the race even begins, because he’s a cheating cocksucker. But to my amazement, Twink beats him on his first try. Ingo is less than pleased. “Sh-shoooot!” he yells as he yanks on his ruffly Shakespeare collar. “If the great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation…” Even if Ganondorf is the most horrifying micromanager ever, I have a hard time seeing him give the slightest of fucks that Ingo lost 50 Rupees on a horse race. But Ingo is sure that daddy Ganondorf is going to hit him in the mouth with his spiked pimp cane, so he doubles down on his terrible impulse to gamble and bets the horse on a rematch.

Naturally, it’s a little bit harder to beat Ingo this time, since he gets himself off to an even faster cheating head start and he’s also magically able to make his horse run faster for longer periods of time. But even so, Twink beats his ass with no trouble. I’m as surprised as you guys. “What’s up with that horse?!” Ingo cries. We’re closer up on his face this time so we can see his bloodshot eyes and his patch of neckbeard that he missed shaving. It’s not a good look. “Is that [Ebona]? How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?!” Turns out Ingo was going to give Ebona to Ganondorf as a special “Thanks for last night” present. Why in the world wouldn’t he take one cursory glance at the horse he was wagering before making the bet to make sure it isn’t the magical Mary Sue horse he planned to give to his boss? Ingo should be in a Bad Idea Jeans commercial.

Ingo composes himself. “As I promised, I’ll give the horse to you…” he says, as he closes the ranch gates. “However…I’ll never let you leave this ranch!” Ohoho, you clever bitch. Whatever will Twink do now? Without a backward glance, he spurs Ebona on toward the eastern wall and leaps right over it into Hyrule Field, flipping off Ingo behind his back the whole way.

Now that it doesn’t take an aggravating amount of running around on foot, Twink proceeds to Cockariko Village. Yes, I realize I would have been there ages ago if I’d just gone straight there, but shut up. Ebona rears up when Twink tries to make her leave Hyrule Field, so he leaves her outside and trusts that her terrifying female parts will keep anyone from trying to ride her. This is one girl he’d like to hang onto.

Inside Cockariko, Twink is dismayed to discover that most of the residents of Hyrule Castle Town survived and relocated here. (Except, of course, Happy Mask Shop Guy, because why keep the one person Twink liked?) The villagers in the past now look like prophets, as Cockariko is indeed now a bigger deal than the destroyed town. Even random jerkoffs like Mr. Magenta and Mr. Teal are here, guffawing in front of a tree. “Wah hah hah hah! Look at this guy!” Mr. Magenta brays in Twink’s direction. “Ever since he escaped from Hyrule Castle Town, he’s become even more timid!” We already know Mr. Teal got violated by castle guards in the past, but apparently he liked his run-in with horny ReDeads even less. Mr. Teal doesn’t want to talk about it, and instead tells Twink about seeing the ghost of Dampé the Gravekeeper flitting around the graveyard, holding “some kind of treasure.” The last time Mr. Teal told him about something, it was a giant anvil about where he was supposed to go, so Twink figures he should sack up and pay a visit to the graveyard.

That is, after he’s done Talking to Everyone. In the nearest house, Twink finds the ugly dog lady shacking up with another similarly unfortunate-looking woman, and to round out the most repulsive alternate cast of Three’s Company ever, Talon is sleeping on their bed. Janet tells Twink, “All people have hardships in their past that they would rather no one found out about.” She’s referring to Talon, who clearly is worn down by the world, and is not simply a lazy sack of shit. Chrissy, née Ugly Dog Lady (look, one of them had to be Chrissy), feels all sorry for him because she heard he got fired, but would rather like it if he stopped snoring all fucking day. Twink can’t do shit about it at the moment and leaves them to their wacky misunderstandings and gay hijinks.

Twink is okay with that.

The bazaar and potion shop have also moved here; neither one has much of interest, but in the back of the potion shop is an establishment that Twink did not have the opportunity to visit when he was a wee lad. The crone behind the counter, who also claims to make potions, isn’t actually selling anything, but she does cryptically tell Twink to bring her a magical something-or-other from the Lost Woods. “I wish I could just once make medicine with some of the strange things I might find there…” she says to him, leading Twink to believe she is offering to make him Cialis or something. She also keeps talking about smells, which may be a subtle hint from her that Twink needs to go find the Cockiri Deodorant. Twink hopes the old bat doesn’t smell his tears as he flees the building.