Twink follows Gonzo and Tetra out of the forest. Across the bridge, Twink spots Maryll Sue waving to him giddily. She’s surrounded by seagulls still, for the love of God. Twink smiles and waves back, as Maryll Sue runs to meet them. Cue the terrible, ironic tragedy that none of us saw coming, honest! Out of nowhere, the Helmaroc Queen swoops between the cliffs and snatches Maryll Sue clean off the bridge. She screams and screams, like a good Mary Sue. Twink, in a moment of blatantly stupid heroism, decides to take a running leap off the ledge and catch her. Predictably, he misses and would fall to his doom, if not for Tetra grabbing his arm. Twink watches in horror, dangling over the cliff, as the Helmaroc Queen takes his sister away. Or maybe he’s staring in open-mouthed admiration at the Queen’s lovely feathers. If only he had that sense of style!
Cut to a little while later, back on the beach in front of the village. “What?!?” Tetra is saying. “You want to come with us on our ship?” Yeah, it’s so unreasonable that Twink would want to save Maryll Sue. Straight out of left field, that. Tetra tells him sternly that they’re bad-ass pirates and they have no desire to let him tag along, since it’s got nothing to do with them. “And how do you figure that…?” a voice to Twink’s left says. They all turn to face the birdman from before. Quill is his name, and delivering mail is his game. Quill stands there with his arms/wings crossed, and patiently explains to Tetra and Gonzo that Maryll Sue’s kidnapping has everything to do with them, as if it weren’t for Tetra being dropped on Outset, the Helmaroc Queen wouldn’t have been looking for prey there in the first place. Exposition!Quill goes on to say that the Helmaroc Queen has been kidnapping girls with long ears from all over the Great Sea, and taking them to the Forsaken Fortress. Hey, he just defeated his own argument! If the Queen wanted girls with long ears, he would have gotten Maryll Sue eventually, anyway! What gives?
“And correct me if I’m wrong,” he continues, “but I believe it was young Twink here who saved you from the monsters of the forest, wasn’t it?” Um…I guess. I’m sure Tetra, being the tough broad she is, could have taken them, and she has a ship full of pirate slaves, too. At any rate, Quill guilts Tetra into letting Twink come along. But he won’t be going anywhere until he can find himself a shield for defending himself. A shield! Where, oh where will Twink find a shield?
WHAT would give her THAT idea?
Twink, like the rest of us, remembers where he saw one, so he runs back home to fetch it. But…dun dun DUN! The shield is now missing from the wall! Twink starts to panic, and gets ready to look around the house for it, until he sees Granny standing with her back to him on the first floor. She’s small and stooped over all the time, but now it looks like she’s extra stooped over, with sadness. Poor Granny knows that Twink has to go save Maryll Sue, but she doesn’t want both her grandchildren to die. I cry for Granny.
As much as she doesn’t want him to leave, Granny gives Twink the family shield, which the Disembodied Item Describer says is rumored to have been used by the Hero of Time himself. Or it’s a cheap replica of that shield that was sold for 20 Rupees in Kakariko Village years and years ago as a souvenir. Whichever. Granny hangs her head and sobs forlornly for her lost grandchild. I cry again, because she’s so sad and endearing, like an old basset hound. But Granny quickly cheers up, and wishes Twink good luck. Aww, you’re the best, Granny!
Twink speaks to Tetra again, and she gapes in incredulity at Twink’s dinky little shield. She again voices her opinion that he would be better off just staying at home. But it’s not like that’s going to happen. Finally, it’s time to leave Outset for the Forsaken Fortress. On the beach, most of the villagers are standing in a loose group as they wave encouragingly at Twink, who’s on the bow of the ship with Tetra. He waves back at everyone, but notices that Granny isn’t there. The ship sets sail, and only at the last second does Twink see Granny, standing sadly on their front porch. Equally sadly, he waves back. Excuse me…I’ve got something in my eye…
Tetra isn’t at all moved, because she is the Bitch!Sue. As Twink waves at Granny, she snits, “Ugh… How much longer is this going to go on, do you think? Do you have an estimate?” He turns around and glares at her in his gayest manner for being so insensitive. One more time, she tells him that he’s going to totally sink away from home, but it’s too late now. He’s committed to saving his Mary Sue sister, and dammit, he’s gonna save his Mary Sue sister.
Tetra tells Twink to go below deck and stay out of the way. But Twink first takes the opportunity to meet all the other pirates. Gonzo is at the wheel next to Tetra, and we already know he’s a huge softie worrywart. Near the central sail’s mast, Twink meets Mako, a short pirate with coke-bottle glasses and a thick book. Hmm, I wonder if he’s the brains of the group! Upon looking him up in the strategy guide, I find that he is “the brains of the pirates’ operation.” Amazing, how I figured that out all by myself! At the top of the mast, manning the lookout position, is Zuko, another short pirate. He’s got heroic muttonchops, and yells at Twink to stay out of the adults’ way, even though Twink is taller than him. Whatever. On the opposite end up the ship is Senza, another big brute man like Gonzo. Though he’s wearing a tight purple shirt and leggings, he rags on Twink’s outfit. I know it’s gay, but that’s the pot calling the kettle black. Or the pot calling the kettle’s outfit really gay.
It should be noted that none of the pirates aboard Tetra’s ship, save Tetra herself, are women. Hmm. Could these be pirates of the ass variety?
Loading ...Twink heads downstairs and finds another barrel-chested pirate named Nudge guarding the entrance to Tetra’s private quarters. All the other pirates looked pretty gay, but everything is relative, and Nudge is without question the Elton John of the group. The strategy guide even says that he “loves sewing.” Yeah, that is certainly not a sure sign of gayness, but combined with the page boy haircut and beret, I think we’re beyond all reasonable doubt. Nudge tells Twink that Tetra’s room is off-limits, and he seems to take it really personally, like his “manhood” would be sullied if anyone got in there.
Further below deck Twink meets the last of Tetra’s pirates, a hunchbacked little dillhole named Niko. Apparently Niko has been at the bottom of the pecking order for the longest time, so he’s the one person thrilled to have Twink on board, as it means his days as the Ass Pirates’ Official Bitch are now at an end. Niko has put it upon himself to train Twink in the ways of the pirates, which means another tutorial of sorts for our hero. Niko sets up a series of platforms in the room by stepping on a switch, and the challenge is for Twink to swing to each platform on ropes. Niko demonstrates, and as he cries out every time he jumps, I realize he sounds exactly like Timmy from South Park. Of course, Timmy is his new name.
Timmy, once he is on the other side of the room, tells Twink that it will take him one year to complete this harrowing task. “Of course, if you manage to do it faster, I’ll reward you!” he says. Twink gets excited at this mention of a reward, until he realizes that Timmy’s probably talking about Rupees or something. But a reward is a reward, so Twink starts making his way across the room, Tarzan-style.
The problem is, you have to time your swing differently for each jump, because you can’t just jump at the height of the swing and make it every time. And each time Timmy scolds Twink for landing on the ground and having to start over, I feel like a complete dumbass. On about the third try, Twink successfully lands in front of Timmy.
Timmy takes this diss to his own abilities (presumably, it took him a year to do it) with good grace: “I… I… I’m proud to have you as… As my… As my underling!” I’m really glad he finished that sentence the way he did, because that could have been terrifying otherwise. As a reward for being super-cool and everything, Timmy lets Twink into the pirates’ treasure room. There are a bunch of barrels inside, along with a solitary treasure chest. It holds a Spoils Bag, which looks vaguely like one of those Halloween-themed Happy Meal pails they used to have at McDonald’s when I was younger. Two seconds after Twink finishes raiding the pirates’ booty, he hears Tetra shouting at him from the deck. They’ve arrived at the Forsaken Fortress.
Outside, the sky is dark and foreboding. The pirate ship is pulled up close to a large boulder, hiding it from the view of the spotlights all over the island. Exposition!Tetra informs Twink that this place has gone from deserted to dangerous in a very short time. It’s all dark and creepy and scary, and the nest of the evil Helmaroc Queen is in plain view, so Tetra’s point about not wanting to be here is well-taken. She further explains, quite rightly, that they won’t be able to just go right to the front gate in the ship. But Ingenuity!Tetra has an idea.
For those who still aren’t convinced Twink is gay. (2.5 MB)
From the lookout box, Tetra points out a window in the fortress highlighted by the searchlights. The window is surrounded by even more cawing fucking seagulls. Tetra deduces that Maryll Sue must be in that room, hence the seagulls. Now, to be fair, I know the game has ground the seagull thing into our heads with an earth mover, but Tetra has only seen Maryll Sue anywhere near seagulls one time. So beats the hell out of me how she figures this out. Anyway, Tetra’s plan is to launch Twink over to that window using the ship’s conveniently-acquired catapult. Tetra stuffs Twink into a barrel, in which he sees fit to make all manner of gay grunting noises, and off he goes!
Unfortunately, Tetra’s aim really sucks. Twink ends up hitting a wall, smashing the barrel, losing his sword, and landing with a thud on a stone ledge at the bottom of the fortress. So now he’s in the middle of all the danger, but without his weapon. GREAT. Twink gets up and gets ready to bust in there, but before he can get very far, he hears Tetra’s voice come out of nowhere. She apologizes for landing him in a bad situation. Twink discovers the source of the voice and pulls a necklace chain with a green stone out of his pocket. Tetra explains that she slipped it to him before they launched him, so she and Twink could communicate. Well…okay.
But it won’t be me dealing with Tetra’s “tips” on navigating the fortress, as my time with Twink is over for now. Jeanne is taking on the next hour, in which Twink has to be all sneaky-like and make it through the fortress without a decent weapon. I believe that sound you just heard was Jeanne screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” Oh well, I’m sure she’ll get me back for this somehow. See you in part three!