Twink does his best to swim around the boulders and the remaining five mini-Gohmas, but it’s all for naught when he attempts to climb out of the water on the other side and they start a five-way leapfrogging relay on his ass. Eventually, he ends up swimming around the pool in a wide lap, leading the mini-Gohmas in a conga line, and getting juuuuuust enough of a lead on them to get onto land before a boulder sweeps his legs out from under him. Silver lining: once he kills the mini-Gohmas with his sword, a couple of them drop arrows! Yay!
The next room starts out great–as soon as he jumps out of the alcove set high in the wall, he is attacked by more of the little stingrays that may as well be bats, especially since they fly out of the fucking water to bite at Twink’s face. But at least they can be killed with the Moneyshot, unlike their asshole buddies in the last room. Once they’re gone, Twink takes the hint that bombs are to be deployed in this room from the obvious bombable walls and the two jars containing bomb refills. Of course, he has a crapload of bombs, so he rather wishes GGI had given him a sliver more credit and put some arrows in those jars. What might have been. Regardless, Twink bombs both walls, which prove to be two ends of one hidden corridor, with a pushable block in its center. Twink has to keep going back and forth between the two ends–hee!–to get the block all the way out and to its destination on top of a floor switch in the water.
I just realized this looks like two stick figures 69ing.
The switch floods the room, like every switch in this mold-ridden pit seems to do, so Twink swims up to the exit. The next room is nearly a clone of one Twink was in earlier where he had to cross a chasm on a geyser, except now there are three. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Next, Twink finds a–gasp–flooded hallway with more rabbit shit boulders and the dungeon’s final Gold-Assed Spider chilling out behind a waterfall. Twink treads down the hallway and drops down to find that he is actually back in the room with boulders and mini-Gohmas, so that means both he and a Gold-Assed Spider were just crawling around inside a rabbit’s leaking asshole. Wonderful. The Reverse Richard Gere was exactly what he needed to round out this day. And better still, he wasn’t supposed to drop down there yet! He was actually supposed to tread over to where the Gold-Assed Spider was, throw on his suicide boots, plummet into a secret hallway in the rabbit’s lower digestive tract, kill Ruto’s Maid of Honor, and use his last Small Key to find the Big Key. But it doesn’t matter, because he is simultaneously struck by a boulder and a mini-Gohma and thrown into a vortex, returning him to the door. MORE SILVER LININGS!
The actual silver lining: that was the last undiscovered room in the Water Temple, and now all Twink has to do to get the fuck out of here and imprison Ruto in the Chamber of the Sages for eternity is go beat some silly boss. No problem! It can’t be as scary as his supposed ally in this venture. The light at the end of the watery tunnel firmly in sight, Twink returns to the top floor and Moneyshots over to one last Anupenis and opens the door. But before he can use the Big Key, Ganondorf Glamour, Inc. decided to throw one more “Fuck you” in Twink’s face, in the form of three blade traps zinging away on a slanted, and apparently buttered, path to the boss door. Naturally, the fairies intended for bottling or shoring up Twink’s health bar were in the last room behind the Anupenis. So Twink either has to navigate this bullshit perfectly or waste one of his bottled fairies before the boss. But like I said, there’s no way Twink’s going to have trouble with this guy, after he’s battled through the ancestral home of the mini-Gohmas! Smooth sailing!
OH COME ON
The final chamber of the Water Temple turns out to be a large swimming pool, and I can’t decide if that’s appropriate or bizarre. Four platforms with helpful ladders also stick out of the pool, in case the Zoras or whoever need a break after a quarter lap. But once Twink takes a tentative step toward the pool, Naggy blurts out, “Twink! Look out! That isn’t normal water over there!” But Naggy, what else could it be?
This freaks me out a little in hindsight, but Twink has to jump into the pool or at least onto one of the platforms to inspect Naggy’s claim further. As soon as he does, we get a Jaws-like first-person view of the…thing in the pool swimming around with a gurgling noise, hunting for its prey. Twink turns around at the last second like a co-ed in a horror movie to find something that looks like an egg surging in a tendril of moving water.
I said earlier, when Twink entered the Water Temple, that he felt like he was death-marching into Ruto’s vagina, but this hardly marks the first time we’ve had the reproductive systems of the races of Hyrule on our minds. Thanks to the open question of Twink Jr.’s paternity, these thoughts have snuck up on us and on poor Twink at the worst times. It has become painstakingly clear that the Chamber of the Sages may as well be the Hero of Time DNA Storage Facility and Recreational Coma Groping Center, but how did access to Twink’s handsome genetic material translate into Twink Jr.? Truly, this was a mystery we would never solve, and Twink was happy to willfully ignore his lingering doubts for the rest of his life.
But now I think we know what’s going on. The Disembodied Boss Describer calls this eldritch abomination “Giant Aquatic Amoeba MORPHA,” but Twink and I are not fooled. That thing is an egg, this weird swimming pool is full of amniotic fluid, and Princess Ruto tricked Twink into traipsing into her frightening proxy uterus so she could extract more of his heroic sperm and create her own litter of baby Zora Twinks. And Twink has never been more terrified in his life.
FERTILIZE MEEEEE TWINK
Well, Twink has no problem with vanquishing this unspeakable menace. But this thing didn’t get to be the brood slime mistress of the Zora race by being easily harmed or delicate, and it goes on the offensive when Twink starts flailing the wrong sword at it. With an increasingly foreboding noise that sounds like a foley artist flapping a saw blade around, Morpha prepares to strike at Twink. If he doesn’t manage to first target the egg with his Moneyshot and pull it out of its protective fluid, the fluid will form into a tentacle and grip him like a boa constrictor, mining precious DNA out of him by osmosis before tossing him into the spike-lined walls like a discarded condom.
Way to help, Naggy.
Even leaving aside Twink’s abject terror, destroying Ruto’s means of consummating their marriage is not a simple task. The egg is constantly in motion and Twink’s timing must be perfect to tear it away from the fluid tentacle, even at close range, and clearly the last thing Twink wants to do is be within close range of this sperm homing missile. And even when he manages to pull it toward him (yikes) with the Moneyshot, it immediately hops away from him, seeking the comfort of its watery womb, so Twink barely has any time to slash at it with his sword.
In short, I consider it a small miracle that Twink only needs to be revived by fairies twice before Morpha succumbs. The egg, after the final strike of the Masturbator Sword, explodes in midair, splattering Twink with Ruto mucus. And with its viable egg gone, the amniotic fluid escapes into the ceiling, leaving the pool a withered, dried-up husk. A single drop falls back down into the pool to form the portal to the Chamber of the Sages, which is the last piece of the puzzle as far as I’m concerned. Twink reluctantly steps into it and is shortly delivered to the Sacred Realm.
As soon as he touches down on the Triforce symbol in the chamber, Ruto rises up out of the blue platform. Putting away the baby pictures she was just sharing with Darunia, she says, “Twink… I would have expected no less from the man I chose to be my husband. Zora’s Domain and its people will eventually return to their original state.” Will the bad news never end? No, as it turns out: “As a reward…” Ruto goes on, “I grant my eternal love to you.” NO. NO, THAT’S REALLY OKAY, RUTO. NO. BUT THANKS.
“Well, that’s what I want to say,” she clarifies, “but I don’t think I can offer that now.” Whew! Bullet dodged. “I have to guard the Water Temple as the Sage of Water…” Oh, like Twink doesn’t know it’s really called the Zora Birthing Center. But her sacred duty as a sage and doula doesn’t stop her from prying into Twink’s business and continuing to bark up the wrong tree. “And you…” she says. “You’re searching for the princess, Zelda? Hah! You can’t hide anything from me!” He hasn’t been trying to, but apparently he has still managed it. God, Ruto, take a hint.
Ruto always knows how to cheer him up!
For what it’s worth, Ruto thinks Zelda is still alive, so even more good news. Sigh. “I can tell that nothing will stop you in your quest for justice and peace…” she says. Ha, good try, Ruto, but hinting about a justice of the peace isn’t going to materialize one who will officiate your wedding. But, as if one is there, she recites, “You must take this Medallion… Take it respectfully!” Twink doesn’t want your wedding medallion, lady! But like the engagement sapphire he received as a child, he has no choice. He now has one more medallion and the power of one more sage. Ruto whispers as he leaves the Sacred Realm, “If you see Sheik, please give him my thanks, OK?” Yeah, no, Twink will not be name-dropping Ruto in front of his boyfriend.
Speaking of Sheik, back outside, he watches as water floods back into Lake Hylia. “As the water rises, the evil is vanishing from the lake…Twink, you did it!” he murmurs to himself. He’s so proud of his man! Twink spots him as he’s teleporting back, and his toes barely touch the ground before he sprints over to cry about what an ordeal he’s endured today. But as usual, Sheik is a tease and keeps a distance. As their love theme plays and the sun playfully bathes them in lens flare, Sheik asks, “Did Ruto want to thank me?” No, Sheik! She’s like Voldemort–saying her name will alert her to your location! Twink sighs and silently conveys what Ruto said. “I see,” Sheik replies. “We have to return peace to Hyrule for her sake, too. Don’t we?” Um…no? Not really?
Sheik invites Twink to take in the view of the restored Lake Hylia, and from his point of view the camera reluctantly pans from Sheik’s beautiful face to the water around them. If Sheik is attempting to be romantic, he ruins it by adding, “Together, you and Princess Ruto destroyed the evil monster! Once again, the lake is filled with pure water. All is as it was here.” First of all, Ruto didn’t do anything unless we’re counting ruining Twink’s life. Second, is Sheik so ignorant of the mood that he’s just going to blather on about fucking Ruto while they’re alone on a grassy island in the middle of a beautiful lake?
Kiss the girl boy, Twink!
Twink and Sheik stand side by side and take in the lovely view, and the camera pans between their expressions, Twink’s expectant and Sheik’s knowing, until Sheik finally backs away and disappears by the time Twink turns around. Son of a bitch. Is he ever going to get any? I don’t know if there’s ever going to be a better opportunity than this. Twink literally runs all over the island, frantically searching for his man, while Naggy bobs in place without a care in the world. But an upward reveals that Sheik is standing on top of a tree, and while Twink still looks to and fro, he dives into the water, and all Twink hears is a splash. The scene fades to black here, but maybe Twink and Sheik got to take a little swim? And make out some? Can’t he just have this?
And on that frustrating and ambiguous note, we will leave Twink for now. Join Jeanne in part seven for the Shadow Temple. She’s not looking forward to it, but let’s just say I’m all out of sympathy for recapping shitty dungeons.