Back to the second floor, where Twink uses one of his bland keys on a door to the west, only now accessible thanks to the block floating in front of it. Inside, Twink finds another geyser across the room from a crystal switch. The calculus is pretty obvious here, and Twink has been eager ever since he first saw this dungeon feature to stand on one as it’s rising so he could feel the water tickle his balls. But what he doesn’t account for is the eager hopping mini-Gohma upstairs, which falls through the hole at the exact wrong moment, lands in a tangle of gross insect limbs on top of Twink’s condom-hatted head, and knocks him back to the floor. This dungeon is positively brimming with aggravating creatures–and the worst are yet to come!–but I think the MVP of giving Twink grief in the Water Temple thus far has to be our old pal the mini-Gohma. God, these things. But Twink soldiers on, gets back on the geyser, and lets it gently fellate him all the way up to the next floor. Through a door that locks itself behind him, Twink finds himself in a small nook at the very top of the Water Temple, with another Triforce Goatse on the wall.
Loading ...So Twink raises the water back to its highest level, jumps down, and scrambles to kill the two mini-Gohmas he’s disposed of at least three times already. With that we’ve come full circle, and all Twink has to show for it is a map, a Comp Ass, a reunion with his least favorite beard, and wet tights. I honestly don’t know what he’s actually accomplished. Anyway, from there, he takes the final locked door on the western side, made accessible by the floating block.
This room, though, is a bit of a doozy. First, Twink shoots the two bats sleeping in the corners of the ceiling before they can fly into his hair. Then he takes a look at the rest of the room. It’s dominated by a huge stream of water flowing into a bottomless pit. The room looks like it was the game designers’ homage to the dam scene from The Fugitive. On each side of the room, small platforms on a rail are slowly ratcheting down into the pit. Each platform hovering over the waterfall has a Moneyshot target. Obviously Twink has to make his way up the waterfall and get to the door, but the moving platforms mean he has to be quick about it, and we’ve established the quality of my skills at aiming and firing the Moneyshot under pressure and time constraints. As such, Twink spends an interminable amount of time near literally treading water as he Moneyshots to a platform that is just about where the last one was when he climbed on it. Sigh. I notice a few gray hairs as he uses his final Small Key to enter the next room.
The good news: more Anubis penishead statues! The bad news: ten thousand mini-Gohmas. But they’re in the water, far enough below that Twink can pick them off with arrows before they realize he’s in the room. Not every room in this place can be a Defcon 1 disaster. Once the mini-Gohmas are corpses, Twink shoots the red crystal switch on the pillar in the middle of the room, and simultaneously, the three Anupenises rise, erect and at attention, each one now displaying a Moneyshot target. The water rises with them, like it too is aroused. From here, it’s a simple matter of raising or lowering the statues as needed to either Moneyshot to them or clamber over them. Once he’s standing excitedly on top of the final Anupenis, he shoots the crystal once more and his faithful phallic golem gently carries him up to the next level, where he finds–ugh–more mini-Gohmas, the distended sack of uterine lining known as a Like Like, and a wall of spikes. The latter keeps the Like Like from coming for Twink and ruining his new tunic, so that part’s actually okay. He murders all these terrible things from a distance, Moneyshots over the spikes, and with not enough trepidation, in retrospect, enters the next room.
Somehow, even though this temple is deep underground and underwater, this isn’t really a room at all–it’s a seemingly infinite, gray-skied outdoor space with a puddle for a floor and a lone, leafless tree on a tiny island in between the two doors. It seems like a great place for Twink to settle down with a Moleskine and write terrible existentialist poetry while sipping an Americano as he strokes his new, black-dyed chin beard, but he just doesn’t have time for that today. Unfortunately, the doors in and out are both barred, so he may be stuck here for a while. And look at that–another person has mysteriously joined him! Hello!
Can he persuade them some other way?
This mysterious visitor turns out to be…Twink. Except he’s a dark version of Twink–possibly the evil bearded Twink that would hang out here in Portland and brood about mortality. This may even be his shadow self that he keeps hidden, the one that is secretly worried he might really be straight and that’s why he has girlfriends in every corner of Hyrule.
In a temple and game full of extraordinarily annoying boss fights, Dark Twink may be the most loathsome. Dark Twink mirrors all of Twink’s normal attacks, causing the two of them to smash their wieners swords together with a shriek of metal. And if Twink thrusts with his sword toward his goth self–he can’t help it, that guy is pretty hot–Dark Twink leaps onto his blade and stands there, wagging the familiar bulge beneath his tunic in Twink’s face. In short, this is the most masturbatory thing our hero has ever done, and that includes many, many years of actual masturbation inside his sad little treehouse.
Twink has the weirdest boner.
Better–no, BEST OF ALL–Dark Twink’s life, and therefore the length of this fight, is determined by the life meter of Twink himself. So thanks to his invisible controller being a completionist blowhard who can’t resist an opportunity to nab a Piece of Ass–even when it takes a fucking hour of toil in Dampé’s sex dungeon!–Twink must damage Dark Twink thirteen motherfucking times before he is defeated. It’s like the entire game is a trap leading up to this moment.
Fortunately, there are a few actions of Twink’s that Dark Twink cannot imitate. One, and now I feel dumb for maligning them before, is using Dicku Nuts, which at least stun the copycat little shit long enough for Twink to wail on him. The Hammer of Recapper Revenge is also useful, though it requires aim that Twink has never possessed. But the most useful, and satisfying, weapon Twink has at his disposal is Din’s Fire. He can throw it down at his feet and Dark Twink, looking like a fucking doofus, just stands there as he is engulfed in a fireball. Too bad Twink’s puny, unimpressive magic meter doesn’t have thirteen fireballs’ worth of juice, or I might be able to handle this. As it is, I don’t remember about the Dicku Nuts until Twink’s already dropped dead once, so I spend most of the fight trying to shore up the damage Twink needs with the vain hope that Dark Twink will suddenly stop blocking all Twink’s sword thrusts. But I’m pretty sure I never pretended I was good at this.
Ugh. Watching my parents have sex might not be as bad as this. But eventually Twink’s dogged perseverance, or rank stubborn idiocy if you like, win out and Dark Twink is vanquished. When he dissolves into a pile of blue Rupees, the illusion of overcast ennui dissolves as well, revealing that Twink was just in some shitty flooded room this whole time. His ankles are never going to feel dry again. But this is all worth it, because Dark Twink was obviously guarding the Water Temple’s most precious treasure, the amazing artifact he will use to defeat the monster here. He opens the chest, ready to gasp with delight, when he finds…
The Longshot.
Wait, really? That’s it?
“You found the Longshot!” shouts the DID, desperate to impress upon Twink that this is not a shitty reward. “It’s an upgraded [Moneyshot]. It extends twice as far!” OH WOW, TWICE AS FAR? THAT IS CRAZY, TELL ME MORE. Look, Twink really wants to like this thing. It makes his Moneyshot shoot further? That’s hilarious. But Twink fought his way through Ruto’s naked fishtits, vicious bridesmaids, spazzy mini-Gohmas, the insane tedium of removing and putting on his boots five hundred times, his own evil self with an unnecessarily long life bar, and a terrible case of prune skin, and for what? To get a slightly better version of something he already has? That’s a fucking ripoff.
Twink sighs at this intensely disappointing gadget and wonders briefly if he can return to the last room, cover himself in black paint, and spend the rest of his life waiting for a cheerier Hero of Hyrule to come through that door. But once again, he’d be stuck with Naggy in a room with excellent acoustics. No thanks. So he moves on, dissolving a blue block in the floor behind the chest with the Song of Time. But even this can’t be easy, because he has to stand in the precise right spot in front of the block for the song to work properly. After he plays the Song of Time at least five times and I am openly wondering if I’ve lost my marbles, Twink moves his feet a little and the block disappears. Is there something in the fucking water in this place? Oh, right.
Twink leaps through the hole in the floor and finds himself in a cavern at the bottom of a waterfall. It’s impossible to miss the large and obvious vortexes in the river, but Naggy makes sure to leap in Twink’s face and shout, “Twink! Be careful! Don’t get swallowed by the vortexes!” But the vortexes might lead to a quiet, Naggy-free death, or at least out of the goddamn Water Temple. That isn’t sounding too bad. Nonetheless, Twink is careful as he navigates this winding underground river. Behind a grate he finds a Small Key and a corridor that leads back to the room with the throbbing purple dragon. So after being the meat in the massive shit sandwich that was Dark Twink and the Longshot, Twink now navigates back to the central chamber yet again.
After backtracking for a couple Gold-Assed Spiders only attainable with the Longshot because I have issues I need to work through, apparently, Twink puts his glorified Kitchenaid attachment to use to access a hallway behind a grate on the second floor. There, he gets to push at the block he moved way back at the beginning of this exercise in self-loathing, revealing an alcove with a Small Key. Armed with this, he returns to the bottom floor and enters the doorway to the north, which he never bothered checking out earlier, because all that’s in there is a locked door under a Moneyshot target he couldn’t reach before. He nearly guts himself on some floor spikes as he Moneyshots over and opens the door.
Well, this room is dreadful. It features more suicide vortexes, a gaggle of mini-Gohmas, and deadly rabbit shit boulders that rumble out of unholy rabbit asses set in the walls. The guide recommends taking out the six mini-Gohmas in here with arrows first, to ease what will already be a tough passage across. But thanks to some bad resource management (i.e. missing a lot) and the fact that I’ve needed arrows for all manner of shit in the past several rooms, Twink has three arrows in his quiver. That’s enough to kill 1.5 mini-Gohmas, and that’s assuming he doesn’t miss with two of them, which he obviously does.
Fuck.