Twink tries wearing the bunny hood and running around in front of JAT to get his attention — not an action I recommend for anyone who doesn’t want to end up in the back of a windowless van — but the guy doesn’t even give Twink so much as a hello until daytime is officially over. JAT continues to run for a while longer, graciously allowing Twink to clear out the skeleton children that seem to ignore anyone who is not Twink. Finally, he collapses on the ground, legs splayed in front of him. Twink might normally find this pose rather seductive, but he can tell JAT is just airing out an entire day’s worth of crotch sweat. In a cold and businesslike fashion, Twink offers JAT the stupid bunny hood, hoping to get this transaction over with as quickly as possible. JAT’s legs immediately begin twitching, and he moves his arms around in a rhythmic jacking motion. This is not going to go well.
I have to recap JAT’s response verbatim: “I bet with those long ears you can hear the voices… Oh, these are genuine rabbit ears from the animal of legend! I don’t care how expensive it is! Please sell it to me!” Well, Twink obviously dodged a bullet with this nutjob. Also, I thought this was just a cute little bunny hat — has Twink been wearing dead rabbit ears this whole time? That is gross. And, if rabbits are now “legendary” that means they must be fairly rare or even extinct. How is that even possible for an animal that breeds…well, like a rabbit? Thinking about this further (not that I really want to), I guess it makes sense that heterosexual breeding habits are not really a natural occurrence in Hyrule. Twink agrees to sell the hood to JAT, mostly because he’s afraid of what will happen if he refuses, and then it gets even creepier. JAT doffs the dead rabbit hat and starts rolling around on his back, arms and legs flailing in the air. “My long time dream! Returning to the wild life! Finally, the actor, stage and prop have been united!” he rhapsodizes. I’ll translate from Pretentious Assholese: he’s a fucking furry.
Nothing inappropriate going on here!
Despite every single thing with this entire scene being as unpleasant as possible for poor Twink, one thing does go right. JAT, in his throes of ecstasy, hands over his entire stash of rupees to Twink, completely filling his wallet. Normally, this would happen when Twink’s wallet was already full, but as I mentioned before, he only has 37 rupees to his name. Just the fact that something didn’t completely suck for him causes Twink to weep tears of joy. He briefly considers dumping out all his rupees and rolling around in them naked, but he doesn’t want to do that with JAT touching himself nearby. Plus, rupees are too pointy.
With his sack stuffed full of rupees, Twink flees from that distressing scene, but he has one more stop to make before rushing back into the withholding arms of the Happy Mask Shop Guy. Naturally he gets lost in the process and spends the rest of the night and the following day running around Hyrule field, getting chased by multiple peahats. The universe is back to normal. He eventually finds his destination, the very creatively-named Gerudo Valley. Twink first heard about the Gerudos from Princess Zelda, and all he knows about them at this point is that they live in the desert and Ganondorf is one. Neither of those things appeal to Twink in the slightest. He is not interested in visiting a place that is full of ugly green people with terrible fashion sense, much less a place that will ruin the moisture balance of his skin. Fortunately, he only needs to venture just inside the entrance to kill a Gold-Assed Spider spoiling the view of a lovely waterfall, and then he can leave the rest of this shithole for a future recap.
After all that he’s been through, it’s such a relief for Twink to see the Happy Mask Shop Guy’s welcoming smile and pink-festooned shop. Even better, he only wants Twink to pay back 50 rupees for the bunny hood, meaning that the rest is Twink’s to spend on phallic objects and extra strength skin moisturizer for his inevitable trip to the desert later. Maybe now that Twink has done this man’s bidding for the last several recaps, the Happy Mask Shop Guy will finally agree to go on a date with him. Things look promising when the Happy Mask Shop Guy starts gushing over how well Twink did carrying out that unnecessary fetch quest, and even says he was right to trust Twink. Does this mean they have a deep, trusting relationship? “As a reward…I will lend you this special mask,” the Happy Mask Shop Guy winks. Twink’s eyes grow wide. Is this going to be like one of those kinky masks from the ballroom scene in Labyrinth? Or perhaps a gimp mask?
It gets even better. “This is the Mask of Truth. It is a mysterious mask passed down by the Sheikah.” The Sheikah? Maybe this mask works like x-ray goggles that allow Twink to see Sheik naked. “With this mask, you can see into other people’s minds. It’s useful…but scary!” the Happy Mask Shop Guy continues. Well, that’s not as great, but Twink still might be able to use it to discover Sheik’s deepest desires. That’s the “useful” part. He makes a mental note not to ever, ever wear it around any of his stalker ladies. That would be the “scary” part. Indeed, the Happy Mask Shop Guy vaguely mentions something along these lines. Finally after all that jabbering, the Happy Mask Shop Guy hands over this ultra special scary mask.
As Twink should have expected, this mask does not live up to his sexy dreams. It’s a white mask with a large, staring red eye and a creepy grinning Joker mouth. There’s no way he can get laid with this thing, even if the one-eyed nature does fit in with the overall theme of the game. In addition to loaning Twink the mask, the Happy Mask Shop Guy will also let him borrow any of the other masks for free, like Twink will ever do that. “Just have faith…” Happy Mask Shop Guy finishes, which makes no sense. That’s the last thing he says to Twink, who leaves the shop confused and disappointed. Oh well, at least he still has Sheik. Sheik will always be there for him.
Since Twink went through all that trouble just to end up with this creepy mask and nothing else, he might as well go into Hyrule Castle Town and read a few minds, just for kicks and blackmail fodder. His first stop is Mr. Magenta and Mr. Teal, of course. He finds out quickly enough that all the shit Happy Mask Shop Guy told him about the psychic abilities of the mask was a complete lie. All that happens is that the dialogue of these two flamboyant fellows changes slightly, and not to anything remotely interesting. Although Mr. Teal does tell Twink that if there’s a mask competition going on, Twink totally has his vote. Well, that cheers him up, but only a little. Everyone else just tells him to fuck off. Worst. Mask. Ever.
Fucking hetero assholes.
The One-Eyed Mask does have one ability that the Happy Mask Shop Guy didn’t bother to share with him. In various locations around Hyrule, including the bottom of damp, spidery holes, sit these squat gray statues called gossip stones. The same design from the One-Eyed Mask is carved into the front of them, and until now, Twink thought they just represented penises. They do, but they also will talk to Twink if he wears the One-Eyed Mask in front of them. Even to Twink, there’s something unsettling about talking gray penises. Still, he decides to try it out, just on the off chance that they’ll share the location of the secret all-male Sheikah bathhouse or the best way to visit Gerudo Valley without getting premature wrinkles.
Four gossip penises sit in a line just outside the entrance to the Temple of Time. Still wearing the mask, Twink approaches the first one and, with a bit of trepidation, speaks to it. “They say that Gerudos sometimes come to Hyrule Castle Town to look for boyfriends,” it whispers in what I imagine is a Sassy Gay Friend voice. Well, Twink is a bit intrigued, despite his earlier racist thoughts about their skin color. Maybe Ganondorf is only ugly because he’s evil, and the rest of the Gerudo men are total muscular babes. And they’re looking for boyfriends, you say? Well, maybe Twink will not have to dread his future visit to Gerudo Valley quite so much. The second gossip penis spouts something about glasses being illegal at the Treasure Chest Shop, which seems discriminatory, but totally unrelated to Twink. Hello, does it look like he’s wearing glasses? He’s not a fucking hipster. The third gossip penis has a dire warning for Twink: “They say that Malon of Lon-Lon Ranch hopes a knight in shining armor will come and sweep her off her feet someday.” Well, it’s nothing that Twink didn’t know already, but he appreciates the heads-up nonetheless. The last gossip penis is the annoying dumbass that no one wants to invite to the party, as it only tells him some completely useless crap about Malon setting the record at the Lon-Lon Ranch obstacle course. No one cares, and I don’t think the obstacle course even exists in this time period. This penis can go fuck itself.
Twink should tell them not to bother.
Twink leaves the gossip penises behind and heads back to Zora’s River, where he walks out to the end of a random log to find a bunch of creepy frogs staring at him. Like most other denizens of Hyrule, these frogs become excited when Twink whips out his Cockarina, and all five of them jump up onto a log across from him. Each frog is a different color of the rainbow, to no one’s surprise. Well, Twink isn’t going to be all withholding to this group of gay amphibians, so he gives them what they clearly want. God, I mean a Cockarina song. For fuck’s sake, Twink has Sheik now — he’s not that desperate. Each frog corresponds to a different button on the controller — or note on the Cockarina, if you prefer — and jumps in the air and croaks erotically whenever Twink plays the note. This is a clue for an upcoming minigame. For now, Twink just has to go through his entire repertoire of three-note Cockarina songs. After playing the first song, he gets a Piece of Ass. Wow, an easy Piece of Ass, just for sharing his musical talent? Finally, Twink feels appreciated. After each subsequent song, Twink just gets rupees — which he doesn’t need, but he’s not going to be greedy. The other side effect of playing the Cockarina is that after each song, one of the frogs becomes, well, enlarged, growing to twice its original size. By the end of Twink’s concert, he has successfully engorged all five frogs. Twink isn’t really sure how to feel about that. But he whips out his Cockarina again anyway, because he’s curious about what will happen next. “Look at us, we’re all huge frogs!!” they shriek. “We are the world famous Fabulous Five Frog Tenors!! Rrrribbit!!” Wait, these rainbow colored frogs are all dudes? No way! And I guess they must have returned from a recent visit to Suikoland. Also, Twink is a little skeptical that they are “world famous.” Whatever, now that they are large and impressive, they want to play a minigame with Twink. Each time a butterfly appears over the head of one of the frogs, Twink needs to play the corresponding note on the Cockarina to make that frog jump. The trick is, I have never been able to master the timing of this, and after a couple hours of optional sidequests, neither Twink nor I have the patience to fuck with this shit. Sam might kill me for skipping this Piece of Ass, but I can live with that. Seriously, I really suck at this.
Twink continues upstream to the big waterfall, where he jumps down off the ledge and murders another Gold-Assed Spider and visits another sassy gossip penis. This one tells him that Zelda’s nanny is a Sheikah. Whaaaaaaat?! There’s only one Sheikah Twink cares about, and boy, is he overdue for a visit. Past Hyrule blows goats. Twink plays the Prelude of Booty Calls to warp to the Temple of Time, and desperately whips out the Masturbator Sword. Seven years (and perhaps inches) of penis growth later, Twink is back where he belongs. After narrowly escaping a ReDead rape session, he finds his second favorite ride outside the castle gates. Twink never thought he’d be so happy to climb on top of a girl, but multiple days of running around Hyrule with no pants on have driven him to this.
By now, Twink has almost learned the lay of the land, and manages not to get very lost on the way to Lake Hylia. Since this is Twink’s first visit to the place since Ganondorf took over, the camera helpfully pans over a couple of the landmarks near the shore. Except it’s not really that helpful, since neither the secret entrance to Zora’s Domain nor the laboratory look any different. The only major change, which we can’t see all that well from the camera intro, is that someone completely drained the lake. Well, Ganondorf is just a terrible guy for fucking with the local ecosystem like that. Someone please put an end to his reign of terror.
What a terrible tragedy.
Twink sees this environmental damage for himself once he dismounts Ebona, and doesn’t give a shit. The last time he was here for real, he found the forged note from Princess Ruto which resulted in naked girl parts on his head and a nonconsensual engagement. Oh, and he narrowly escaped a visit to Blathers’s love nest. So fuck Lake Hylia. The only thing Twink cares about in this hellhole is the fishing pond — not that he’s anxious to see Pubey McScratcherson’s future self — and he can get to that with a convenient floating bean leaf. Yup, a bean leaf. After being secretive about the purpose of all that motherfucking bean planting at the beginning of the recap, I can finally describe the payoff. In the past seven years, the bean sprouts matured into magical leafy platforms that float around each area in a predetermined pattern. Conveniently, these allow Twink to access items and areas that were once out of his reach. As I mentioned before, someone thought this through very carefully. In this case, Twink totally misses the Piece of Ass at the top of the laboratory tower, and he doesn’t feel like fishing right now, so I guess that was pretty anticlimactic.