But then she has to go and bust up my sarcasm with a real out-of-the-blue-green question: “Then…then…you wouldn’t happen to have…the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, would you?! That green and shining stone…” Whoa, girl, where did that come from? The camera zooms in waaaaay too close on her exaggerated elfin features so we can see how expectant and hopeful she is as she asks again if Twink has it. Twink is almost afraid to say yes–what if she thinks he bought it for her at Zales or something? He doesn’t need some clingy jewel-whore thinking she’s his girlfriend–what would the Kokiri say? Then again, Daddy did tell Twink to come here and he knows the Kokiri Emerald is part and parcel to that mission. Clearly, the Dicku Tree, as part of some larger prank involving saddling poor Twink with a girl fairy and an ugly princess, meant for this to happen. Well, shit.
Twink reluctantly tells Zelda that yes, he does have the Kokiri Emerald. She giggles and grins and claps her hands in such a way that I expect her to crush Twink in a bear hug and shout, “I will love him and squeeze him and name him George!” She instead opts to explain to Twink how the hell she knew about the jewel. “I had a dream…” she starts, making me worry that she’s going to go all motivational speaker on me. But: “In the dream, dark storm clouds were billowing over the land of Hyrule… But suddenly, a ray of light shot out of the forest, parted the clouds and lit up the ground… The light turned into a figure holding a green and shining stone, followed by a fairy…” Her fantasy man in shining green frock, no doubt. Even this girl’s dreams are delusional. She tells Twink she is sure her dream was a prophecy of someone coming from the forest to save Hyrule. But…from what? What possible evil force could be descending upon this idyllic land? Tell me!!!
Pretty saggy boobs for a 13 year old.
Zelda keeps me further in suspense by stopping her story short to apologize because she hasn’t introduced herself properly. Smiling and blushing (whatever), she says, “I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.” Well, bowl me over with a feather, really? She asks for Twink’s name, and though he maintains his customary silence, she says his name back to him, prettied up with green font. “Strange…it sounds somehow…familiar,” she murmurs, no doubt spurring Legend of Zelda timeline enthusiasts to pen long-winded missives about Zelda’s sense of ancestral déjà vu. Or something.
‘Name’s Not. Not Interested.’
“OK then, Twink…” Zelda says, clapping her hands again, “I’m going to tell you the secret of the Sacred Realm that has been passed down by the Royal Family of Hyrule.” After he promises via pinkie swear to keep this information, like, totally classified, Zelda begins her tale, which basically picks up where the Dicku Tree’s Sunday school lesson left off.
Right. So, previously, Din, Farore, and Nayru created the world and its symbolic components and then left behind the Triforce so the people on this new world would have a physical reminder to spark their telling of this boring-ass story. As we see the goddesses shooting back toward their female heaven, Zelda explains, “The three goddesses hid the Triforce containing the power of the gods somewhere in Hyrule,” adding the sentence fragment, “The power to grant the wish of the one who holds the Triforce in his hands.” The power what, Zelda? Oh, never mind. She goes on, “If someone with a righteous heart makes a wish, it will lead Hyrule to a golden age of prosperity… If someone with an evil mind has his wish granted, the world will be consumed by evil… That is what has been told…” Well, that’s not really accurate, is it? Someone with a righteous heart could still, on a whim, make a really selfish or stupid wish with the Triforce, just as someone evil could idly wish for a land of peaceful hopping bunny rabbits and rivers of milk chocolate. But we all know what they’re getting at, anyway: nice people (Twink and Zelda here) should get to wish on the Triforce because they’re pure and innocent, but mean people (i.e., Ganondorf) should be kept away from the thing unless we want Moblins roaming the land. And there I go, clouding the message with semantics. When will I learn?
Back to the story, Zelda explains, over a view of the Triforce glittering in the rain, that the Temple of Time was built by ancient sages to protect the Triforce from Ganondorf “evil ones.” For no reason, the Triforce now shoots up into the heavens, even though the story is that the Triforce was what was left behind on the land by the goddesses when they left. What, is it too good for Hyrule? Bitch.
To conclude her tale, Zelda tells Twink that the Temple of Time is the gate to the Sacred Realm and the Triforce–information Twink had already gotten from a random NPC in town. Thanks, Princess. But I suppose she needs this information as a setup for her exclusive scoop, which is, “But the entrance is sealed with a stone wall called the Door of Time. And, in order to open the door, it is said that you need to collect three Spiritual Stones.” Whew, I was going into red text withdrawals. I feel better. Zelda continues, “And another thing you need…is the treasure that the Royal Family keeps along with this legend… The [Cockarina] of Time!” The background music–Zelda’s theme song, FYI–reaches a crescendo of sorts at the mention of the holiest of cockarinas, as if to say, “See? See? We managed to gay up the exposition! Your patience paid off!”
Finally, Zelda pulls a Blathers and asks Twink if he got all that. Well, it’s not like he would have been distracted by her girl assets or anything, so yes. She’s all, “Yay!” and then starts expositing more, for the love of crumb cake. “I forgot to tell you…” she says. “I was spying through this window just now… The other element from my dream…the dark clouds…I believe they symbolize…that man in there!” Twink looks through the window and sees none other than…Midol the Kokiri! Ha! He knew there was something up with that little shithead!
Twink was more checking out his male-pattern baldness.
Kidding. Twink looks past Zelda’s pointing finger through the window and sees Ganondorf (duh duh DUN!!!) kneeling before, presumably, King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. “Can you see the man with the evil eyes?” Zelda asks him. No, he can’t see him, as he left his glasses back in his treehouse and can’t see anything more than three feet away. Idiot. Zelda tells Twink that Ganondorf–that is, Ganondorf–is the leader of the desert-dwelling Gerudos. “Though he swears allegiance to my father, I am sure he is not sincere,” she says. “The dark clouds that covered Hyrule in my dream… They must symbolize that man!” Anyone else think she just doesn’t like Ganondorf for whatever reason (possibly some kind of creepy uncle scenario) and that’s what makes her so sure he’s the evil force of her prophecy? I mean, really, those clouds could mean all sorts of things.
Loading ...A split second after Zelda proclaims the inherent black soulhood of Ganondorf, he glances to his right and gets a good eyeful of Twink. Freaked, Twink stumbles away from the window. “What happened? Did he see you?” Zelda asks, as if there’s any other reason Twink would jump back like that (other than seeing a giant gross spider on the windowsill, but he should be used to that by now). She tells him not to worry even if Ganondorf did totally spot him, because “he doesn’t have any idea what we’re planning…yet!” Okay, assuming he didn’t just overhear this whole conversation (I doubt that wall is soundproof), Zelda isn’t really the sharpest tack in the box, is she, if she’s holding her meetings of the Super-Secret Take Down Ganondorf Society in plain view of the guy.
“………..Yes,” Zelda suddenly says as a response to nothing, “I told my father about my dream… However, he didn’t believe it was a prophecy… But…I can sense that man’s evil intentions!” God, we get it, girl. And even looking past Zelda trying to sell herself as a genius for seeing this when a sock could see it, the bigger issue is that Daddy Daphnes is a fucking bonehead.
Of course, Super Sleuth Zelda has figured out what Ganondorf must be after: the Triforce in the Sacred Realm. And he’s going to use it to fashion the sluttiest dangly earring ever. “Twink…now, we are the only ones who can protect Hyrule!” she cries. I think she’s supposed to have her hands clasped in a moment of sorrowful despair, but she actually has her hands arranged in an unmistakable “Help me or I’m gonna smack a bitch” gesture. Twink, memories of the Dicku Tree’s painful branch lashings still fresh in his mind, immediately agrees to help.
It would be nice if Twink’s official cooperation were enough to get Zelda to shut up for five seconds. But no. She reiterates that she is afraid Ganondorf is going to ruin her precious Hyrule with all his evil. “He has such terrifying power!” she adds. I’m pretty sure she has absolutely no proof of this, and the most Twink’s even seen of Ganondorf’s “terrifying power” is some evil flowers and spiky rotating rods. He must watch the Evil Do It Yourself Network.
So. Zelda promises to protect the Cockarina of Time with all her power (whatever, future kidnappee) while Twink finds the other two Spiritual Stones. Her plan–get this–is for the two of them to get the Triforce themselves and then defeat Ganondorf with it. Boy, I can’t see how that plan could possibly fail. But who cares? Twink gets more jewelry!
‘Straight to eBay with this baby.’
“One more thing…” Zelda says, signaling the end of this hellishly long chain of text bubbles, “Take this letter…I’m sure it will be helpful to you.” Twink gets Zelda’s Letter, which looks more like a Christmas card than a letter, but whatever. At last, Twink can get the hell out of here. Zelda says her attendant will escort Twink off the grounds so he doesn’t have to get his sneak on all over again. Zelda also says Twink should feel free to talk to “her.” Well, Twink just can’t wait to meet this lady, wherever she is, but in the meantime there’s a hot stud in spandex bicycle shorts at the other end of the courtyard, and he looks lonely. I mean, the face is a little brutal, but he’s freaking George Clooney by Cockarina of Time standards.
The beefcake–sigh–turns out to be Impa, Zelda’s Sheikah bodyguard. And by inference, a woman. And even if he hadn’t heard that pesky pronoun from the princess, up close Twink can now see that this person, while decidedly mannish, does have a huge pair of honkers. Nonetheless, I will still be calling her Himpa. And I am willing to entertain the hermaphrodite possibility.
‘How about some candy for your trip?’
Even if Daddy Daphnes is too stupid to function, at least loyal Himpa believes Zelda’s story. Staring down at Twink between the cleft in her bosom, she creeps, “You are a courageous boy… You are heading out on a big, new adventure, aren’t you?” But instead of offering to help him by giving him a ride in her windowless van, Himpa explains some more about Zelda’s stupid prophecy. “My role in the Princess’s dream was to teach a melody to the one from the forest,” she tells the uninterested Twink. “This is an ancient melody passed down by the Royal Family. I have played this song for Princess Zelda as a lullaby ever since she was a baby…” I am officially calling pedophile shenanigans on this lady.
After tossing some anvils about the “mysterious power” of this song, Himpa raises two sausage-like fingers to her lips and begins to whistle out a song, to the tune of “Leeeeeeeft, Up, Riiiiiiiiiight, Leeeeeeeft, Up, Riiiiiiiiiight.” Catchy. Twink replays it on the Fairy Cockarina, feeling more than a little dirty at sullying his flesh-colored instrument with a song associated with Zelda in bed. Playing it right this first time makes the Cockarina glow and glitter with delight, as it has now absorbed the power of Zelda’s Lullaby. It wouldn’t be so happy if it knew the song’s wily feminine roots.
Back outside the gates of town, Himpa gazes at the scenery and tells Twink they have to protect Hyrule because it’s so beautiful and wonderful and blah. Twink, meanwhile, is checking out her toned, muscular legs and feeling really confused about it. Himpa snaps him out of it by asking him to scope out a mountain to the east. “That is Death Mountain, home of the Gorons. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire.” And another missed opportunity for red text! This game is just not on the ball. My screen should be a veritable rainbow of exposition. Twink walks past Himpa to get a closer look (thereby removing the temptation to gawk at her Adonis-like body), while Himpa explains that the village of her birth, Kakariko Village, is at the foot of the mountain. “You should talk to some of the villagers there before you go up the mountain,” she tells him. Um…why? Is Himpa a mouthpiece for the game designers, and she’s actually saying, “We took the trouble to code in all those villagers, and you damn well better appreciate it!”?