The Triforce symbol on Ganondorf’s right hand starts glowing, and at the same moment he notices a golden, vaguely Triforce-shaped necklace around Tetra’s neck. Laughing maniacally, he cries, “At long last, I have found you…Princess Zelda!” Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! Tetra plays dumb, except it’s not really playing because she obviously doesn’t realize that she is Zelda. But Ganondorf isn’t buying it, thanks to the Triforce of Wisdom being around her neck and all. Yeah, I have to admit that the evidence is against her here.

Of course the situation doesn’t look like it could be any worse, so this is the cue for the second dramatic rescue attempt. In the blink of an eye, Tetra disappears from Ganondorf’s grasp, as does Twink from the floor. Ganondorf looks out the window, where two Rito–Quill and Prince Gollus–are flying away with the kids in their talons. Even better, Valoo finally got of his fat ass to join the fun, and floats outside Ganondorf’s window, leering at this fellow fat old man. After a moment of contemplation Valoo lets out a great fiery breath and torches the entire love nest. Twink winces. Yeah, the decoration was terrible, but the location had major potential. What a view!

Ganondorf is flaming! /bad joke

Clearly a little fire is not about to kill the king of all evil, so the gang wisely decides to get the hell out of there. They land a long ways away, at the Phallus of the Gods. And what the fuck, Sean Connery is already there. Does he have some bitchin’ motor and he’s just been making Twink use the sail to be an ass? What gives? Twink is sitting inside Sean, looking sadly at his boat companion, unconscious!Tetra. I told you things were about to take a turn for the Mary Sue worst. Gollus, who seems to be not so choady anymore, tells Twink that the pirates and his sister got out of the Forsaken Fucking Fortress all right. Yeah, like he cares about them–he just found out his Masturbator Sword is lacking in sparkliness! Meanwhile, Sean thanks Valoo for showing up when he did, and Valoo responds in his stupid ancient language. He could be saying, “Twink has a tiny pecker and loves girls,” for all we know. After Sean and Valoo converse a little more about getting Twink and Tetra away from “Ganon’s” clutches, Valoo and the Rito leave. Dammit, Sean, enough of that. GanonDORF. Say it with me. GanonDORF.

Sean tells Twink that he’ll explain “later,” but they need to go back to Ancient Hyrule under the sea. Hey, Twink may want some answers, but he still isn’t complaining–his adventures under the sea could be much worse.

Once they’re safely back at Hyrule Castle, Tetra finally wakes up. Twink goggles at her like a weirdo. I guess he knows now that she’s important, so he’s happy she didn’t die or whatever. Tetra wonders the usual waking-up-from-unconsciousness stuff, like where they are, what happened after she blacked out, et cetera. Twink is about to answer, but before he can he gets a sharp pang in his ass. It’s the Emerald of Assitude, and Sean is clearly talking to him through it. Even though they’re sitting in Sean right the fuck now. Sean instructs Twink to bring Tetra to the room from before. Tetra throws a fit that some asshole is using her stone to talk to Twink, and agrees to come along so she can meet this guy and tell him off.

Back in control of Twink, who must lead Tetra to the secret chamber. I figure this is going to be a pain in the ass and she’ll get stuck on corners and stuff, but whoever programmed this did a pretty decent job of letting her walk around things and hop ledges. Snaps to the game designers. For the record, here, Sean Connery now appears to be inanimate, and bobs up and down on the water like a normal, non-talking boat. Okay, then.

Thanks to the aforementioned lack of issues with maneuvering Tetra, the two of them soon reach the secret chamber, and this time Twink doesn’t have to fuck around with block puzzles to open the way. Inside, standing in front of the Masturbator Sword’s pedestal, is a fat old man. Like, we should stop making fun of Ganondorf’s weight now that we’ve seen this guy. He’s wearing a long red coat with too-long sleeves that hide his hands, a ridiculous high white collar, and a clunky golden crown. Tetra grills the guy about using her stone, dammit, like, who does he think he is?! “That stone is an enhanced version of the Gossip Stones long spoken of in the legends of the Hyrulian Royal Family,” the old guy snots, taking the time to tantalize Ocarina of Time lovers with one stupid reference. “I am the one who made it.” Boy, there’s a random use of the red text for you. Tetra bitches some more, because she has no clue what he’s talking about and therefore he must be crazy. She must be the only person in the universe who hasn’t figured out where all this is going.

“Have neither of you heard the tales?” the old dude asks. “Tales of the kingdom spoken of in the legend of the great hero… The place where the power of the gods lies hidden…” He duhs that the place they’re standing now is that ancient kingdom. Like, no fucking WAY, old man. I DO NOT BELIEVE IT. LIAR.

And then the big reveal: this old man, aka Sean Connery the Talking Fucking Boat, is the King of Hyrule: “Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule.” Wait, Sean’s real name is Daphnes? Daphnes? Hee. Heehee. Hee hee hee he ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Okay, I think I’m done. No, wait–

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

There. King Daphnes goes on to explain to Twink–who should have realized this from the second he heard the guy’s voice–that he is indeed Sean Connery. Seriously, Twink is a freaking moron if he didn’t already figure this out. And judging from his gaping blowjob face right now, he is quite a moron, actually. Seriously, King Daphnes even looks like the boat.

“There was no need for me to reveal my true identity to you so long as that blade, the [Masturbator Sword], could defeat Ganon[DORF]…” But that obviously didn’t work out, so it’s time for Plan B. I hope Plan B includes an explanation for why the King of Hyrule would choose to transfigure himself into a talking boat.

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Nope, all we get is exposition, of the non-boat variety. Sigh. First, he explains the whole Ganon-takes-over-Hyrule thing, which we have already heard, so moving on. “When the gods heard our pleas, they chose to seal away not only Ganon, but Hyrule itself…and so, with a torrential downpour of rains from the heavens…” So Hyrule was flooded. A truly shocking turn in the story, given that the whole fucking place is underwater.

“Yet all was not lost,” King Daphnes Connery explains. “For the gods knew that to seal the people away with the kingdom would be to grant Ganon’s wish for the destruction of the land.” True. So a few really cool people went up to the mountaintops at the gods’ instructions, and survived on what are now the islands of the Great Sea. “So long as Ganondorf was not revived,” King Daphnes continues, now deciding that it’s Ganondorf again, “Hyrule would remain below, never waking from its slumber.” So how exactly was Ganondorf revived? And why didn’t he just turn himself into a boat, too?

And here’s where things get creepy. “Tetra, come to me,” King Daphnes commands. Oh dear, I really didn’t think he had a taste for the young girls, but it appears I was wrong. If I were Tetra, I’d steer the hell clear of this crazy old pervert, but she walks toward him as if entranced. King Daphnes holds out his hand, and suddenly Tetra’s Triforce necklace materializes in his palm. And now he’s taking her jewelry from her? Creepy, but at least consistent with his and Twink’s obsession with accessories. He explains, “This necklace you wear is part of a sacred treasure called the Triforce of Wisdom, which has been passed down for many ages within the royal family of Hyrule.” He goes on to tell Tetra that it was given to her by her mother, with instructions to protect it and not hand it over to leering old men. Exposition!Daphnes drones on further, “The Triforce of Wisdom is none other than the sacred power of the gods that we have kept from Ganon[DORF!!!]’s clutches for so many long years.” This teensy bit of 24-karat flair has been entrusted to Tetra’s family, meaning that she is someone Very Important. God, I don’t know why King Daphnes is talking this up so much. Ganondorf already told us she’s Zelda. There is no suspense. He’s just boring me now. And annoying me with having to tag up all this red text.

Creeepeee.

The necklace is actually missing one triangle-shaped piece, and with a flourish King Daphnes produces that missing shard. Tetra watches with wide eyes as the two pieces come together to the classic tinkly Triforce theme. Then, out of the Triforce King Daphnes produces a veritable golden shower of light. Twink, awed by this manly display on the part of the King, nonetheless has to shield his eyes. When he looks back again, the light is gone and Princess Zelda is standing where Tetra was just a second ago. She looks all dazed and Mary Sueish, and gazes down with her over-eyeshadowed orbs to check out the Triforce symbol on her own right hand. She gasps aloud like a good Sue and, staring helplessly at Twink, breathes, “My…fate…” I think Tetra has left the building.

King Daphnes tells Tetra/Zelda that she is “the true heir of the royal family of Hyrule…the last link in the bloodline. You are Princess Zelda.” I suppose I’m just questioning untouchable Legend of Zelda canon here, but why exactly does she have to be Zelda? Is Zelda herself some freaky ghost who inhabits the bodies of her descendants every hundred years or so? I think she keeps coming back, again and again, to try to score with Twink. And to fail miserably. The denial, she is timeless.

Tetra/Zelda is very disoriented by all this princess and Triforce business, as is to be expected. King Daphnes turns to Twink. “Twink! I am terribly sorry that you have been caught up in these events,” he says. Caught up my ass, man. You dragged him into it kicking and screaming. Anyway. “Ganon[DORF!!!] will be searching frantically for this child in an attempt to get the power of the gods that she possesses,” he adds. “He will not rest until he has found her.” Oh noes, he might employ another gay bird to kidnap three more girls from the Great Sea. The world is doomed.

King Daphnes therefore asks for Twink’s help in…something. Defeating evil or whatever. He does say, “I have a suspicion about what has caused the [Masturbator Sword] to lose its power.” So it’s not glittery enough, and it’s “lost power”? Way to shrink Twink down there, Daphnes. But happily, the King has a plan to make the Masturbator Sword the hottest phallic weapon around again. Yaaaay!

‘I’m going to save the world! Tee hee!’

Turning to Tetra/Zelda, the King says, “Zelda… It is far too dangerous for you to join us in this task.” And then he asks her to remain in this sealed chamber for them to come back, since apparently Ganondorf can’t get to her here. Now, I’m guessing Tetra would not have any part in this crap, and would insist on coming along, or at least not sitting in the basement of a castle that’s underwater with no company but a bunch of creepy statues and stained glass windows. I mean, I haven’t even addressed the question of how the fuck they’re all breathing down here. But this girl silently complies to do as she’s told. I’m not going to bother with the Tetra/Zelda stuff anymore, because it’s obvious Zelda obliterated Tetra’s bitchy soul when she invaded her body. Yes, I think I just called Princess Zelda a pod person. It works for me.

Before Twink leaves, though, Zelda goes even further in becoming a Mary Sue for the ages, and whines about how everything that’s happened to Twink and his sister is alllllllllllllll her fault. Twink laughs it off with about the gayest little giggle I have ever witnessed, before running back to his boat. Zelda waves at his back, all, “Be careful…I love you…do me…” Poor girl. They didn’t even leave her a vibrator…or a laptop for writing Twink/Zelda fanfic.