Twink’s next stop is the windmill. The unsettling music has not changed, but the organ grinder creep‘s demeanor has been affected by the last seven years. Before he was dementedly happy go lucky; now he’s on edge and probably in need of blood pressure medication. “Grrrrrrrrr!” he growls at Twink, veins probably bulging in his giant forehead. “I’ll never forget what happened on that day, seven years ago! Grrrrrrrrr!” Of course, nothing happened seven years ago, because Twink was perturbed by this frenzied man and left without doing anything here. But he’s convinced that his life was ruined back then, by “that [Cockarina] kid,” who had the audacity to play a certain song that summoned a violent storm inside the windmill and fucked up its mechanisms. Twink is pretty sure this guy just had a stroke that day and hallucinated all of this, but just to fuck with his head he pulls out the Cockarina of Time. “What?!” he spazzes. “You’ve got a [cockarina]! What the heck! That reminds me of that time, seven years ago!” He states again that back then, “a mean kid came here and played a strange song.” Naturally, the smart thing to do in this situation is to teach the surely unrelated person with a surely unrelated cockarina the same song, and hope it doesn’t screw up anything else. And that’s exactly what he does. Of course, the song, which goes A-down-up, is the same goddamn song that has always been playing in the background here inside the windmill. So if Twink plays it on his gay little wood instrument shit goes crazy, but it can play on loop for eternity in the background with no problems. I mean, I know the Cockarina of Time is magical, but come the fuck on. When Twink repeats the song, called the Song of Storms, a cyclone swirls around him and it begins to rain inside the windmill. The organ grinder is not in love with this turn of events. “Oh, no!” he shouts, grinding on his organ–hee hee–harder than ever. “A storm again!! You played the [Cockarina] again, didn’t you!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!” Well, what the fuck did he think would happen? That teaching him the life-destroying song would make him light his cockarina on fire and leave?
Beyond the organ grinder being kind of an idiot, the causality of this series of events is a little tough to get my head around. I’ll stop playing dumb for a minute and point out what we all know: Twink will eventually travel back in time. More on that later. But when he does, he will at some point return to this windmill as a child and play the Song of Storms, which he learned here as an adult, specifically because the organ grinder was so pissed that the younger Twink played it. I actually got a little bit dizzy typing that out. Basically, by most rules of time travel, this windmill is stuck in an infinite temporal loop and should have been sucked into a black hole.
*slurp*
Twink leaves the windmill because its space-time instability and its music are making his head hurt. Even spiders are preferable to that brain-breaking clusterfuck, so he enters the House of Gold-Assed Spiders. Since he now has exactly 30 of their tokens, two more of the cursed descendants of Gohma have been cured. The first one Twink talks to hands him the Giant Wallet, which can hold up to 500 Rupees. “What a huge wallet!” the Disembodied Item Describer squeals. It should have plenty of room for Twink’s “emergency” condoms that he never gets to use. The other former spiderman hands Twink an item I’d forgotten existed, the Stone of Agony. DID explains, “It causes your Rumble Feature to react to nearby…secrets.” Secrets? Twink is unsure what this means, but figures it’ll become clear soon enough and gets the hell out of the spider den.
In the open grassy area near Mr. Magenta and Mr. Teal, Twink feels a sudden jolt…down there. It is not unpleasant. He pulls the Stone of Agony out of his front pocket and realizes it’s just buzzing away. So beyond making him feel like he’s climbing the rope in gym class, this thing is supposed to reveal secrets? Well, Twink is standing closest to, as noted above, Messrs. Magenta and Teal. Is it revealing their secrets? Because sorry, but those guys are so far out of the closet they could have a show on Bravo. It’s not a secret. On a hunch, Twink drops a bomb at his feet, which reveals a hole in the ground. Inside the hole are two ReDeads and a treasure chest containing a Huge Rupee, which is worth 200 Rupees. Well, this could be the secret that was being revealed, but just in case the money was a coincidence, this thing’s new name is the Stone of Gaydar.
Near the entrance to Death Mountain, Twink finds the sad man from Hyrule Castle Town who desperately wanted to be sold something using Twink’s C buttons. He now specifically wants to be sold something that comes in a bottle. Twink can think of something this guy might like that he could put into a bottle, but after the House of Gold-Assed Spiders he’s not really in the mood to make that happen. Instead, he drops down into a hole behind the potion shop and catches a fish out of a small, stagnant pond. When he presents this unique treasure, the man is just beside himself. He offers Twink the ridiculous sum of 100 Rupees for this tiny, malnourished fish, as long as Twink agrees that all sales are final. Indeed he does. Even better, this colossal mark will continue to pay that much for any other fish Twink brings him. Twink wonders how any man could like fish that much.
Continuing his pointless tour of Future!Cockariko, Twink notices a building with the same bullseye sign as the shooting gallery in Hyrule Castle Town. As much as he’d like to pretend it’s not the same place, we all know it is, and reluctantly he heads inside, at least so he can see if the asshole running the game seven years ago died in the sacking of the castle. Sadly he did not, and is behind the counter, ready to take Twink’s money. In fact, he is willing to let Twink play right now, even though he can’t use his Schlongshot and he doesn’t yet have the Fairy Bow. But after finding the secret hole with the Stone of Gaydar and snookering the fish fetish idiot across town, Twink has more than enough money to indulge a couple of times in this game, if only to get some archery practice in. The game is basically the same, except it now uses a bow and the order of the target Rupees is random.
Holy shitsnacks!
I can’t believe I’m typing this, but Twink hits enough targets for free games on his first two tries, and hits all 10 Rupees on his third. You could have told me before this that the Gamecube version had a secret scene where Twink and Ganondorf have angry, graphic buttsex, and that would be more believable to me than this. There must be a karmic backlash coming for immediately doing so well at both archery and horse racing, and sure as shit, the dickweed behind the counter presents Twink with his prize for a perfect score: a purple motherfucking Rupee. Yup, because Twink doesn’t yet have the bow, the larger quiver is not yet available as a possible prize, so Twink gets money like he’s already won everything available. The purple Rupee is also about 25 Rupees over Twink’s max money limit, just for that little extra kick in the nuts. I bet everyone reading this five dollars that when I have to do this after getting the bow, it will take me at least 20 tries to duplicate this achievement.
Twink would not have believed five minutes ago that he could walk out of the shooting gallery with more money than he walked in with and feel worse, but here we are. He decides to talk to the Cocko girl before heading to the graveyard. Maybe she’ll offer to have sex with him while talking in Naggy’s voice, and then for an encore she’ll light his treehouse on fire and poison his horse.
Instead, she catches him up on her life story, and her decision to breed a new type of Cocko that doesn’t make her break out in hives. I mean, just getting a new fucking job would have been smart too, but good on her, I guess. “I call it the Pocket [Cocko]!” she tells Twink, who now has a totally different mental image of what she’s been developing the past seven years. He wonders if he could combine this Pocket Cocko with the Stone of Gaydar and end his dependence on other men once and for all. Cocko Girl yammers on some more about how great Pocket Cockos are for getting lazy people out of bed, like Twink would ever leave his bed if he had one. Because she can tell he’s so good with them–heh–she gives him an unhatched Pocket Cocko egg. Like the Cocko egg he received from Malon, he needs to wait overnight for this one to hatch.
Is he ever!
Well, while he’s waiting for important shit to happen like an egg hatching, he may as well go spend a pleasant evening in the graveyard. Twink doesn’t see Dampé’s ghost hanging around–or Himpa, as many NPCs in the village exposited he might–but his tried and true method of randomly vandalizing graves until he finds one with a hole under it works pretty well. He only encounters one Poe while doing this, and even manages to capture it in a bottle for One-Eye. That would be super great if he weren’t already at max Rupees with nothing to spend them on. Twink has first-world problems.
Under the graveyard, Dampé’s ghost is wafting around inside a rather elaborate temple. Just so we know that this is a ghost and that Dampé didn’t gain the ability to fly in the last seven years, he has a little halo over his head, which just makes him look like Mario after he gets killed by Donkey Kong. “Heh heh heh, young man!” he says by way of greeting. “Are you fast on your feet? I may not look like it, but I’m confident in my speed! Let’s have a race! Follow me if you dare!” Following Dampé into this spooky temple underneath a graveyard sounds like the last thing Twink wants to do, but he knows Sheik will be cross with him and not put out if he doesn’t go through with it.
As soon as he’s done talking, Dampé starts moving and a timer starts. Twink just has to follow him through the corridors and stay close enough that, when Dampé moves through a door, it doesn’t close before he can get through it himself. Dampé likes to make things a little harder by throwing fire from his lamp behind him, but Twink only gets burned horribly, like, once. No problem. There are also wrong turns Twink can take, but as long as he keeps Dampé in sight it’s pretty hard to go the wrong way. Twink reaches the end of the race with a time of 1:08, which is pretty goddamn frustrating because that one fireball probably cost Twink the timed run completion and means he’ll have to come back and run this tedious race all over again.
Yup, this is still funny.
Regardless, Dampé is reasonably impressed with Twink, and conjures a tantalizingly large treasure chest for Twink to open as a reward. But being dead must mean you don’t care about being a buzzkill, because Dampé totally spoils the surprise for Twink and tells him what it is: the Moneyshot. Dampé describes what it does, adding “Doesn’t that sound cool?” You bet it does, Dampé. Also, while this is obviously what Sheik wanted Twink to find here in Cockariko, the Moneyshot is not a skill. Well. Maybe it is. But he knew how to do that already.
Dampé warns him to be careful on the way back before disappearing into the ceiling. After he has the Moneyshot in his hot little hands, he proceeds out the doorway, running right into a giant blue block in front of the exit. A stone slab slams shut behind him, trapping him in a few-foot-square room. Because I’m an idiot, I try grabbing and pushing or pulling this block for what feels like five minutes. I’m beginning to despair and even go so far as to save the game so I can reset and put Twink back at the Temple of Time, but at the last second Twink realizes that Naggy has the block targeted and is frantically trying to get his attention. Now, Twink took a while to notice this because he has, for the sake of his sanity, managed to so forcefully ignore Naggy most of the time that he forgets she’s there unless she jumps in front of his face with unsolicited advice. But Naggy, for once ever, says something that is neither useless nor annoying: “Hey… Isn’t that the same design that’s on the Door of Time?” Why yes, it is. Twink, feeling like a fool, plays the Song of Time and the block disappears. Jesus, Naggy is never going to let him forget this. The exit actually leads to the second floor of the windmill (no, I have no idea, either), allowing Twink to jump across the spokes of the hub shaft and nab the Piece of Ass that’s been teasing him for seven years.
Finally, Twink plays the Sun’s Song to advance to the next morning and hatch his Pocket Cocko. Yes, it’s a rooster, not a crowing baby dildo. Though that would be cute. Sensing some parallelism from his childhood days again, Twink returns to the Three’s Company house and unleashes his Pocket Cocko on Talon. You know what I mean. Predictably, Talon bolts out of bed and mutters a bunch, just like he did seven years ago. Once he’s awake and coherent, Talon magically senses that this young man saved his daughter and made it possible for him to return to his ranch, and promises to do just that. Thankfully, he does not offer Twink Malon’s hand in marriage a second time. Beyond all the other women who want a piece of him, he’s rich now and is going to have to stave off gold diggers as well.
For some reason, Twink still doesn’t feel like going to the Forest Temple and seeing Saria, so he revisits the area around Ganon’s Castle to nab that Gold-Assed Spider with the Moneyshot, the Temple of Time to see if Sheik is in the mood yet (he isn’t), and Lon-Lon Ranch for no real reason. Talon must be the fastest runner in Hyrule because he’s already back at the ranch, pretending that he’s turned over a new leaf and is going to work hard from now on. Ingo has undergone a lobotomy or something because he’s not remotely acting like he was a day ago; in fact, he is serenely happy and grateful to have a job at the ranch. He’s even blushing like a schoolgirl when he talks to Twink. That or he had the shit slapped out of him and that’s a mark from Malon’s hand.